for not wanting to be Legal Guardian to my friend's son? *MNHQ title edit as per request*

[TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit]

I have debated on writing this as I feel like an awful person.

And this is long, sorry.

Firstly, we are not in the UK. We live in a country that has no real social housing/help.

Friend's son is 17. He is ADHD, ASD and has various other issues, dyspraxia, dyslexia, dyscalculia, and so on. He plays PC games all day while his mum works. He's a very sweet boy and will do some chores around the house if he is reminded, but is mentally around 7-9, I would say.

They live in a cottage on our property. We barely charge them rent, and despite having a good job, Friend is struggling financially. Son also has to have a fully cooked meal, meat and veg, every night.

I love him, have known him since he was 3 years old, but I don't want to be legally responsible for him if something happens to Friend. Friend has struggled with depression and self harming her whole life and drinks a lot (I do too, so no judgement, just background). She will go through periods where she seriously considers suicide. This is why they now live on our property, so that there is someone around in case things go bad.

She separated from his dad when he was around 6 I think. His dad was in the picture, but never really learned how to deal with the meltdowns and as Son got older and bigger and more aggressive, his dad became aggressive too, until he headbutted Son and gave him a bloody nose. So now they have a restraining order against him. She has no family that can help. Actually, she has a brother and sister but isn't close to either and neither of them is financially well off.

She has not put any money aside for his future. He will not be able to hold a job down. He can't tell time or set an alarm clock.

I know I am a horrible person, but I do judge her a little bit for her choices. I can't help it. She was in a relationship with a very wealthy man for about 5 years. He paid for her to be a SAHM and she didn't put a penny away for the future, just lived it up in the moment. Didn't have a care in the world. And now she's stuck.

I look forward to when my own DC are grown up and leading their own independent lives. We are coming out of a terrible 6 years, where I am now physically disabled and my own son is paralyzed due to a car accident we were in. We are not a high income household, because I can't do the job I did previously, but we are putting money aside for our retirements. We did get a compensation payout since the accident was 100% not my fault, but this money is for our own son to be able to live independently one day. We live frugally and go without luxuries.

I know we are lucky to have only physical disabilities, although that makes life hard enough.

I lie awake at night and worry that we will have to look after her Son for the rest of our lives and we will have to fund it too. I have mentioned this to her and she just said that there is no-one else, so we are it. I think she thinks that since we have 'extra' money, this will not be a problem for us.

Am I horrible for feeling this way?

And it’s a wish in their will agreed with said people like others have said it’s not a legal obligation

her sons life could be very different, not perfect not without a lot of hard work from his father should he come to the UK but he could be getting involved in activity groups, learning skills he is capable of to be more independent maybe even going to college

it sounds as though your friend is just trying to get by and anything more is just too overwhelming for her

But surely that's only if you outlive her, is that looking likely?

She needs to support him to live more independently.

It might not be a bad idea for them to move to UK if they can legally / he's a citizen as it sounds like care would be better here?

@MargotChateau I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend anyone. Thank you for pointing that out x

You can turn down looking after him if she does name you as legal guardian. They will ask you if you are happy to have the child, it's not just her say.

I do actually think that moving to the UK will be better, not perfect, I know, but with more opportunities. The son has a British passport.

I also thought that I would get the dad involved if I needed to, but was worried about the history between them. I don't think the dad is abusive, per se. No-one should ever lay their hands on a child, but I think with help, the dad could learn better coping mechanisms. So many are saying to send him to his dad, but will that be okay? Considering the restraining order.

At least you had the heads up. My friend came back from her solicitor appointment and announced she had named me to have her 2 dc should anything happen to her. One has complex SN and I have many dc of my own!
I just smiled and died a bit inside
.
Haven't been friends for years now.

Maybe I will move.

You won't have to legally take him.

I honestly want to bang my head off the wall at parents who give up and allow the four walls of a bedroom and computer become a child with special needs whole world.

I understand that it is hard I have an ASD with chronic anxiety teenager who is going to end up killing me preventing her from having her way of living in a dark room online.

It is a vicious circle.

Oh god @Creepymanonagoatfarm Sorry about that! I know what you mean with dying a little inside.

If she wants legal guardians for her child she will need an legal agreement drawn up stating who and its signed (think its called a Guardian Consent Agreement).

I have one as I've agreed to be a guardian for my friends children as she's been battling cancer. However it was a request, not an assumption that I'd do it, and it took many hours of conversation and soul searching to agree. If its ever needed i would be responsible for the children legally until they are 18 (I'm not saying I'd be walking away when they turned 18), our agreement has also covered financial side of things - i.e. the age that children will inherit the estate etc.

The father is still responsible for his son, despite the restraining order. If nothing else, he needs to find/fund an independent living facility for his son.

So yes, the lad needs to go back to the UK. He absolutely is not your responsibility, legally or morally. You have to stop thinking that way.

I really appreciate everyone's comments. Thank you.

I would just tell her with your own health and your sons health, you don't feel you're best suited and then go on to say he's a lovely lad DS, maybe you could look into supported housing (if that's a thing over there.)
My eldest has ASD and a full range of disabilities, I would not put that on a friend. I'm disabled myself and really struggle let alone a fully abled body person.
Our plan is when he's ready and wants to transfer his care to supported housing near us and family. So everyone's a winner including him.

I think that you need to be firm in your resolve and tackle this head on, whether she likes it or not. You sit her down and tell her that you cannot agree to take on the responsibility for her son if anything happens to her, full stop. It is not about money, or ability or anything esle - don't get dragged into justifying it or explaining yourself. You tell her that you WILL NOT loo after him so if she cares about him she must start to make proper arrangements NOW. Don't be guilted into anything. And in particular, whilst you may not be willing to chuck him out if he was on his own, would it be any kinder leaving him to struggle alone - I doubt he would survive. And if you feel bad about this, just remember - you may not be there to help him either, and you almost certainly won't be there for the whole of his life, and he's not exactly the sort of "gift" you can just pass on to the next person in line.

She needs to make appropriate arrangements, and if that means taking him to his father and leaving him there, then so be it. Sometimes being a good friend and a kind person means being willing to face realities and force people to be honest. It might make you feel bad, but you are showing how much you care by being willing to be honest. And also, please bear in mind that if the social care in your country is as bad as you say, then he will almost certainly one day end up in it. Is that a good option?

And cruel though it may sound, if she won't accept it and do something for her son, I think you have to tell her to pack her bags and go. You cannot continue to enable her to ignore the realities of her life and her son's future. If she has to start doing things for herself and face up to realities, then she may hopefully also realise that she must take action.

I’m legal guardian to a friend’s child in her will and didn’t have to sign anything, we just had a chat and I agreed. Likewise with my own DC, I didn’t have to get them to agree other than verbally and the lawyers didn’t double check.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. But I do think you need to talk to her and lay it out "I will not be guardian, I will not be responsible. You need to know that naming me guardian might give you peace when you are alive but I am telling you now that naming me guardian will make no difference because I will not accept any responsibility. I will call his father immediately so you need to plan like I am not here, because I will not be. That may be harsh but you are trying to back me into a corner and I do not appreciate it. If you feel you need to move that's fine too but there is absolutely no changing my mind on this" and I would say about not saving when she had the chance etc if need be too

No. You absolutely do not have to take him on. You are not legally obliged to do so and you’re certainly not morally obliged either. Absolutely say no. Your friend is terrible if she expects you to do this.

He is 17 so in a years time won't require a guardian, although he will need someone to advocate for him and maybe live on supported housing.
Your friend won't know what happens in the event she dies. But it may give her peace of mind whilst she's alive.
I would say that saying nothing is the kindest thing to do.

You are calling him a child , at 17 he is nearly an adult . Agree one with complex needs .
If anything were to happen to your friend , you need her next of kins telephone / contact numbers . Or you would be phoning your equivalent social services to inform them that a vulnerable person needs them.
He is not your responsibility.

In England it is not legally enforceable if you simply name someone as a guardian in a will. And I assume it only applies until they are 18

Absolutely this, a godparent is being responsible for their spiritual upbringing. You mean a legal guardian. And of course you can say no.

Have we separated and cleared a few of these points.

1. godparents have no legal standing


2. The friend has massive expectations


3. The OP is rather 'heavily loaded' with her own life and family already.

Therefore I think it is UN-reasonable to expect her to get more involved with this young man's welfare. He will take up much time which OP does not have.
Great sympathy to friend with her problems but overloading OP should not be considered.

OP you’ve clearly been really kind to this friend. But you should consider discussing with them reducing their dependency on you. It will be a difficult conversation to have but probably better in the long run particularly if you do not wish the responsibility for their child with special needs.

You probably don’t know but what is she spending the money from her ‘good job’ on? You may just be inadvertently supporting her dependency on you.

If your friend died but the boy's father is still alive, then his father would be responsible for him. Guardians don't take priority over the other parent.

But it's still not unreasonable to tell your friend that you wouldn't act as his guardian, even in the case where both parents died.

You are all right, thank you. I do think we've enabled her. That is definitely on us.

You guys have made me rethink a lot of things and if I'm honest, I have been re-evaluating the friendship for a while. She has actually taken advantage of us for too long now.

I will have to have some hard conversations with her in the near future.

OP - I agree your friends is expecting too much. It does sound as if neither of them have a particularly rounded existence. Do you have contact details for the Father? Can you encourage her to start a fresh dialogue with him? Look into what services would be available in the UK?

Your friend also needs to start making
her son more independent. He sounds very isolated - they both so. You say he can do some chores, perhaps he can learn to make some basic food, or heat things up. She could take him food shopping anything that can help him move towards supported housing - with his father having responsibility.