for not wanting to be Legal Guardian to my friend's son? *MNHQ title edit as per request*

[TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit]

I have debated on writing this as I feel like an awful person.

And this is long, sorry.

Firstly, we are not in the UK. We live in a country that has no real social housing/help.

Friend's son is 17. He is ADHD, ASD and has various other issues, dyspraxia, dyslexia, dyscalculia, and so on. He plays PC games all day while his mum works. He's a very sweet boy and will do some chores around the house if he is reminded, but is mentally around 7-9, I would say.

They live in a cottage on our property. We barely charge them rent, and despite having a good job, Friend is struggling financially. Son also has to have a fully cooked meal, meat and veg, every night.

I love him, have known him since he was 3 years old, but I don't want to be legally responsible for him if something happens to Friend. Friend has struggled with depression and self harming her whole life and drinks a lot (I do too, so no judgement, just background). She will go through periods where she seriously considers suicide. This is why they now live on our property, so that there is someone around in case things go bad.

She separated from his dad when he was around 6 I think. His dad was in the picture, but never really learned how to deal with the meltdowns and as Son got older and bigger and more aggressive, his dad became aggressive too, until he headbutted Son and gave him a bloody nose. So now they have a restraining order against him. She has no family that can help. Actually, she has a brother and sister but isn't close to either and neither of them is financially well off.

She has not put any money aside for his future. He will not be able to hold a job down. He can't tell time or set an alarm clock.

I know I am a horrible person, but I do judge her a little bit for her choices. I can't help it. She was in a relationship with a very wealthy man for about 5 years. He paid for her to be a SAHM and she didn't put a penny away for the future, just lived it up in the moment. Didn't have a care in the world. And now she's stuck.

I look forward to when my own DC are grown up and leading their own independent lives. We are coming out of a terrible 6 years, where I am now physically disabled and my own son is paralyzed due to a car accident we were in. We are not a high income household, because I can't do the job I did previously, but we are putting money aside for our retirements. We did get a compensation payout since the accident was 100% not my fault, but this money is for our own son to be able to live independently one day. We live frugally and go without luxuries.

I know we are lucky to have only physical disabilities, although that makes life hard enough.

I lie awake at night and worry that we will have to look after her Son for the rest of our lives and we will have to fund it too. I have mentioned this to her and she just said that there is no-one else, so we are it. I think she thinks that since we have 'extra' money, this will not be a problem for us.

Am I horrible for feeling this way?

The boy has a father and it is his responsibility to take care of his son.

You have your disability and a paralyzed son to take care off. You cannot take on anymore. It is not being unkind or selfish. Your priority is your own health and mental wellbeing to take care of yourself because no one else will, and to take care of your son.

You have been a great friend and done over and beyond what is required. and in addition to looking out for her child, you are doing suicide watch as well. You are a strong person but everyone needs a break.

Even Jesus couldn't save everyone.

Look after yourself first. Your friend needs help to sort herself out.

Thank you Mumsnet for changing the title. And thank you everyone else (unmumsnetty hug to you all)

If he has a Father then he is next of kin

I haven't read every message so apologies if this has been said before, but I would try and do something now with regards this boy's father. Once he turns 18 he is legally an adult, right now he is a young person with two parents who have legal parental responsibility. I know it might feel wrong but I would contact the boy's father to make him aware of the situation.

OP,

I am so sorry for all that has happened to you and your poor son.

I cannot imagine the grief of seeing him paralysed.

You have endured so much.

Your only responsibility is to him.

Perhaps I am harsh, but I think your friend is a complete cheeky fxxker, conveniently washing her hands of making preparation for her sons care and foisting it on you as fait accompli.

She doesn't get to do that.

You have choices here and she is behaving as if you don't and are obligated to her.

She needs telling very firmly that the ONLY obligation you have is to your child, the ONLY provision that you will be making is for your son........
.......and yes she needs to be looking for alternative accommodation.

There is a huge difference between being a friend to someone and them being a presumptuous CF.

The fact she chose to make zero provision when she had money tells me everything.

Her choices are hers and hers alone.
She does not get to burden you like this, after all you have been through.

Absolutely no true friend would do this.

She is quietly quite ruthless.
You need to be too.

You can decline and should probably do so if yoy aren't in a position to want to do this.

So, this boy's grandfather is from the UK and lives here? And the kid has a British passport?
Does he have any other UK family?

If something happens, put him on a plane to his UK family. They can get him care here if he is British and moves here permanently.

Totally unfair to say you’re responsible because I have no other options… when in fact she does, especially if she is a British passport holder. I am also disabled and can only imagine how hard it is for you already with your ds. She is not considering at all how you would cope.

It sounds like he'd need to travel to the UK if anything was to happen to mum.

Encourage her to seek counselling and help with her suicidal thoughts.

By explaining clearly that you won't be there to take her son, it might help her realise he'll be alone in the world.

By confirming you'll take her DC you're giving her a backup plan and opening the door for emotional string pulling. No way.

Fully agree with this. She's no friend, she's taking advantage of you.

It may be uncomfortable but tell her firmly that you are not taking on the responsibility and she needs to make proper arrangements for her son.

You've already gone above and beyond.

The dad would need to bring him to the UK and apply for social care if he can't care for him. I have a cousin with Downs Syndrome who is in a residential place since he became physically disabled. His father is in his 90s. He loves the residential place. He writes us letters about the activities they do. Maybe something like that would be available

My sister had a similar thing happen when old friends came to visit with their even older father. Said friends left, leaving elderly father behind ‘as she wouldn’t mind looking after him as she was used to looking after our father!’ Sister rang the embassy who arranged for the abandoned man to be repatriated to his own country and into a care home.
You can inform your friend or not, that you will be calling the embassy to arrange for an abandoned vulnerable person to be repatriated should the worst happen. Please don’t lose any more sleep.

Wow. YANBU at all. I have no idea why you describe yourself as being a horrible person when you sound like an extremely nice person. You have enough on your plate with your own life (childreb, disability, child's disability) without taking responsibility for a friend. Your friend's son is her responsibility, not yours. You are one of life's givers and I'm afraid your friend is one of life's takers: always looking for someone else to provide and take responsibility instead of doing so herself. I do feel that you made a mistake letting them live in your cottage at low/no rent. You will struggle to get rid of them now and will end up being responsible for the son by default if you are not careful. Perhaps say that you need the cottage back to convert for your own paralysed child and give her notice. Also cannot fathom that you feel her child has more needs than yours and that you are relatively lucky.

I lie awake at night and worry that we will have to look after her Son for the rest of our lives and we will have to fund it too. I have mentioned this to her and she just said that there is no-one else, so we are it. I think she thinks that since we have 'extra' money, this will not be a problem for us.
Am I horrible for feeling this way?

This is awful. It is so wrong of her to place you in this position. He has a father. I think you need to disabuse her of this idea, and make it clear she needs to make other arrangements for her son's future. You have enough on your plate, but even if you didn't this sort of commitment is voluntary - not imposed.

He has a british passport. If the situation arose could you not contact the british embassy? He could be moved to the UK and looked after by UK SS.

I think in your shoes I would contact the father, if only to find out what financial provision he he's made for his son (and to remind him of his responsibilities).

A terrible position to be in for you. What does happen in your country for people left with no one. Would he be literally out on the streets or is there "something"?

You are physically disabled with a child that needs proper care - unfortunately you're not in a position to take on her son should something happen to her. Recommend that she make her father his legal guardian in the event.

You are a really nice and good person, and have done far too much already. The son absolutely needs to move back to the UK. Your friend has taken advantage of you and emotionally manipulated you.

Please try to focus on your own family going forward. You have plenty on your plate.

OP, you need to talk to her. Under English law being appointed as a guardian in a will is a non-binding statement of who the deceased wants to determine provisions for the child. It can be ignored if there are concerns about the guardian appointed and also the guardian doesn't then have to look after the child - they could agree someone else does, or that the child goes into care.

The law in your country may be different.

As others have said, regardless of whether or not you legally have to take responsibility for the child, it looks like there won't be anyone else and, in a country with no social care system, you will find yourself in a very difficult position. I agree you need to talk to her and make it clear she needs to make proper provisions for her child rather than assume you will take on the burden.

I think you will have to have a serious talk with your friend. You are not a horrible person , you have no responsibility towards her son, she should have been spending time and money looking into future care for her son rather than living in the moment. Is there absolutely no social care in your country?

If she has a good job, and pays a low rent, why hasn't she or her husband put away some money? Cheeky fuckers.

There is no social care in many countries; I am from one such which is why I have spent my life being frugal and putting away money for my DC.

I know we are lucky to have only physical disabilities, although that makes life hard enough.

This sentence of yours really makes me sad. You are clearly a coper, and your friend is taking advantage of that because she is not. But she has to woman up and learn to be one.

I am so, so sorry about the car accident and your son 😭

Re your friend’s son, that is beyond awkward. He’s a British citizen, social care in Britain might kinda help if he was here but I’m not sure sending him to a violent dad would help especially if his mum had died. Maybe suggest she return to UK to get her son into social care system and give him more opportunities?

Basically she needs to not kill herself and sort herself out. (Stopping drinking would help with depression.) If she dies the future looks very bleak for her som.

Telling her you aren’t going to be the legal guardian (and she can’t make you do it no matter what the will says) might actually help keep her alive. If she thinks her son would be sorted, even better off, after her death, that might encourage her suicidal feelings.

I was thinking same as Firty. Also, that she is more likely to commit suicide if she believes that you will care for her son. Big girl pants time and we are all behind you.x