for not wanting to be Legal Guardian to my friend's son? *MNHQ title edit as per request*

[TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit]

I have debated on writing this as I feel like an awful person.

And this is long, sorry.

Firstly, we are not in the UK. We live in a country that has no real social housing/help.

Friend's son is 17. He is ADHD, ASD and has various other issues, dyspraxia, dyslexia, dyscalculia, and so on. He plays PC games all day while his mum works. He's a very sweet boy and will do some chores around the house if he is reminded, but is mentally around 7-9, I would say.

They live in a cottage on our property. We barely charge them rent, and despite having a good job, Friend is struggling financially. Son also has to have a fully cooked meal, meat and veg, every night.

I love him, have known him since he was 3 years old, but I don't want to be legally responsible for him if something happens to Friend. Friend has struggled with depression and self harming her whole life and drinks a lot (I do too, so no judgement, just background). She will go through periods where she seriously considers suicide. This is why they now live on our property, so that there is someone around in case things go bad.

She separated from his dad when he was around 6 I think. His dad was in the picture, but never really learned how to deal with the meltdowns and as Son got older and bigger and more aggressive, his dad became aggressive too, until he headbutted Son and gave him a bloody nose. So now they have a restraining order against him. She has no family that can help. Actually, she has a brother and sister but isn't close to either and neither of them is financially well off.

She has not put any money aside for his future. He will not be able to hold a job down. He can't tell time or set an alarm clock.

I know I am a horrible person, but I do judge her a little bit for her choices. I can't help it. She was in a relationship with a very wealthy man for about 5 years. He paid for her to be a SAHM and she didn't put a penny away for the future, just lived it up in the moment. Didn't have a care in the world. And now she's stuck.

I look forward to when my own DC are grown up and leading their own independent lives. We are coming out of a terrible 6 years, where I am now physically disabled and my own son is paralyzed due to a car accident we were in. We are not a high income household, because I can't do the job I did previously, but we are putting money aside for our retirements. We did get a compensation payout since the accident was 100% not my fault, but this money is for our own son to be able to live independently one day. We live frugally and go without luxuries.

I know we are lucky to have only physical disabilities, although that makes life hard enough.

I lie awake at night and worry that we will have to look after her Son for the rest of our lives and we will have to fund it too. I have mentioned this to her and she just said that there is no-one else, so we are it. I think she thinks that since we have 'extra' money, this will not be a problem for us.

Am I horrible for feeling this way?

Honestly if the Dad can get him into the U.K. care system I feel that would be best for eveyone. Living with an alcohol dependent mother who self harms and is at risk of suicide is not an ideal situation. I’d be contacting the boys father and explain the situation. You can’t be emotionally blackmailed into this as you have more than enough going on.

She needs to take him to the U.K.
she needs to speak to the father. The DS will be provided with care here.

Agree with this to the extent that I too have dyscalculia, dyspraxia and ASD. I also have three degrees (cue music), own my own house and have always worked. So these difficulties in themselves do not mean that someone cannot work, be independent and needs care.

From the OP's description, it does sound as though the 17 year in question has more severe difficulties but the fact remains that he is not her responsibility. His mother sounds like she is very manipulative and uses threats of suicide to make other people take on her responsibilities. She would be better returning to the UK.

Still cannot fathom why the OP thinks that the 17 year old's needs are greater than her own disabled child's. My sister was/is paralysed following a car accident and she cannot stay ay home all day on her own without care.

I know I keep saying it but thank you, everyone.

Son also has to have a fully cooked meal, meat and veg, every night.

Seems like a learned behavioyr
He may prefer
But he wont die withiut this

Alnyway
You took on this mum and son
But time to tell her you xannot do so the rest of your life
He needs an arrangement independent of you be cause you will not be aroun d anyway if he needs lifelong care

depends where you are.

in some countries being a godparent gives you guardianship.

I know you said the move to the UK with his father fell through but surely if his mother were to die, his father would have to step up and be responsible for his son. Do you know why this arrangement fell through? surely moving to a country (UK) which would give him a better quality of care is the way forward. I really think, as hard as it is, you need to make it clear that you aren't in a financial or even emotional position to take care of her son going forward... your future priority has got to be your disabled child end of...it's going to put a tremendous strain on you physically and mentally it's just not acceptable and she is incredibly selfish and manipulative IMO.. sorry.

@neilyoungismyhero

The UK family member isnt the boys father. He is the woman's father; the boy's grandfather.
He isnt and wouldnt automatically become his legal guardian.

I would still send him to the UK because he can be put into residential care if his mental age is 7 to 9 so hopefully some family member in the UK could facilitate that.

Hi OP, is the country South Africa by any chance?

Agree with others, it should not be incumbent upon you to be named legal guardian of your friend's DS, and to face all the worries and responsibilities for the future that come with it, especially given your own circumstances.

What's more, it sounds as if the boy's current existence is doing nothing to prepare him for any level of independent, dignified living. He needs specialist education and support to give him a chance to be the best he can be.

You need to have a good sit-down with your friend, saying you need to talk about his long-term future. Her manipulating you into being his guardian is not the solution. She needs to consider all options and what's best for him.

If the DS has a British passport and relatives (by the sound of it his father?) in the UK, the most sensible thing would be for him to come to the UK where he can get the support he needs. She may be entitled to a visa.

Alternatively, she should look into supported living / specialist residential care for her son in her home country. But that might cost. Either way, she can't just make his future your problem.

If he’s exclusively a British national this may work. If he has dual citizenship with the place he lives now, I don’t believe theBritish embassy would intervene.

It really looks like manipulation. Very little friendship there.

on board with all of those suggesting to get him a UK passport and get him to UK if necessary. He doesn’t need to go there to be with dad, he would go into the system there. Not ideal, but not many other options, are there? I’d rule out taking care of him, specially cause it’s all cause by mom’s manipulation

But his Dad is still around?! Bizarre that you feel this obligation, really.

“Much as we love him, we have our own disabled ds to worry about in the future and this will impact significantly on our retirement as it is. We won’t be able to commit to having x. It will be too much for us and too big a commitment.
You need to organise things so that he goes to the Uk. Please don’t try and change our minds. We’ve given this a lot of thought. It’s just not going to happen.”

He really needs to go to his father and then it’s his job to get him the care he needs, regardless of their relationship or the lack of it. You do not have the mental or physical resources to cope.

She will go through periods where she seriously considers suicide. This is why they now live on our property, so that there is someone around in case things go bad.
This is a bit odd, though. Have you always agreed to take on his care?
You seem to have given her good grounds for believing so. Why?

I would be having another look at the living arrangement too. She obviously sees you (and her son) as responsible for her.

You know what I mean, sees you as responsible for her and her son.

Why is she so broke if she barely pays rent? If you have contact details for dad, I think that’s the way forward if anything happens to her.

You need to have a Frank discussion with your friend that is likely to, at best, change the nature of your friendship.
She needs to know that you will NOT be a guardian to her child, that it is up to her to A: look after herself better so she can take care of him and B: make contingency arrangements so that if /when something does happen to her, the boy's father is responsible for repatriating him to the UK and arranging his care within our systems.

Your priority needs to be your self and your own son.

@TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit can you move? Without her?

This is a good point. Also if his Dad were to get support/help for him to learn independent liviing, it might be easier to do this if he is under 18. It sounds like there are more opportunities for both your friend and her son back in the UK.

He is not a piece of property so he cannot be left to you in her will. Plus he would be classed as an adult unless there are laws in the country that says otherwise.

check/look up the local authority website wrt social services or similar.

next of kin and child services can work very differently in 'forrin' lands.

is there an expact group who might be able to advise?

tbh ideally the biological father takes custody.

Yes, the country is South Africa.

The dad lives here, around the corner, and has a British passport as well as the son. I also believe that the UK will be a better option for him as a special needs adult.

I know people are surprised that I was worried about all of this when he still has his dad around, but it was the restraining order against the dad, that made me question whether I had a moral obligation to take him on.

Right, so I had a long chat with my DH last night. He also agrees with me that we've enabled her too much. So, IF anything happens to her, we will get the dad back involved. She's in a much better headspace than she's been in years, so I'm positive she'll be around for a long time and I will stop worrying about it.

I think I also feel guilty that we have a little money to spare from our compensation and she has nothing and it's all I hear from her all the time, that she has no money. My DH put me straight on that one. He says he does not feel guilty since we have been to hell and back as a family and we deserve some relief, even if just in a financial way. He is an amazing man.

We will also start working towards getting her out of the cottage. This may take a while, but at least we have a plan.

And I've taken on board everyone's suggestions about her getting more help for her son to adjust to adult life better. She is due an okay-ish inheritance soon (although these things can take some time) and I will suggest that she puts that money away for his future.

You have all made me see sense and I thank you. I really appreciate everyone that has taken time to reply x

No good deed goes unpunished. As I get older, I am really beginning to believe this :(