To not pay this back and object to everyone being told that I’m not ?

[WhatAFrog]

A few years ago DM offered me a few things , gifts . The first was a holiday-I declined as it was a lot she kept offering saying she wanted to treat us but I continued to decline as it was a lot of money.

A few months later she offered to help with some renovations we were having-really insisting she wanted to help. Again I declined as we could just about manage.

On another occasion she was offering to pay for a course I wanted to do. Again , I declined.

Anyway about a year after her first offer I suddenly needed some medical treatment and I couldn’t get a referral on the nhs and I was desperate so she offered to pay -as a gift and I accepted.

Approx 18 m ago she decided it wasn’t a gift anymore. She wanted repaying. I was shocked but said ok fine I’ll start repaying what i can. I paid back approx £600 then lost my job and haven’t been able to work since so couldn’t pay any more back and she has told everyone. My siblings are angry. Family friends have had a go at me as DM now pleads poverty and says I borrowed money. It was a gift. Why would she do this ? It was approx £2500 in total.

Im glad I never accepted any of her other gifts tbh. She’s making out like I’m a pisstaker when if I was I’d have accepted all her offers and I only did when I was desperate 😞

Why don’t your friends and family believe you?

I wonder if this was her plan all along, to make you seem the bad guy?

Do you have anything in writing (text, emails) about her offer of money, and that it wasn't a loan? If yes, I'd be tempted to show it to them and tell them.

No it was all conversations

I think this was your mum's plan all along. What a horrible person.

Because they have chosen to believe her she has gone in total victim mode - tearful and manipulative

ive tried to text about it to get something I writing but she will not respond

I think as well I’ve made myself look guilty as I did repay some

She wanted to be seen as the hero saving the day, swooping in to help but had no intention of it actually being a gift.

I’m just annoyed and upset. She’s never been particularly pleasant and is hard work in general so I think that’s why I had declined offers of things that I didn’t actually need but when desperate I accepted and now wish I hadn’t

OP my mum is exactly the same. I’ve found that what I thought were gifts are things I’ve had to pay back. And all of a sudden she claims she has £3 in her bank account and it’s all my fault because she bought me the thing I didn’t ask for. She doesn’t have just £3 in her bank account BTW

It’s a lesson learnt but be safe in the knowledge that you’re right and nothing bad can happen whilst you’re trying to pay her back. You can’t get balliffs at the door for owing your mum money, pay it back in your own time.

Before the cost of living crisis, perhaps she wanted to be seen as generous, to invoke your gratitude, but now things have changed, she's worried about coming bills and wishes she hadn't done that.

But that's no excuse for her behaviour. I'd be honest with her and others. Tell them that your dm offered the money as a gift to address a health issue but you'll pay her back when you can.

I literally can’t afford to pay her back - she knows this too

I would ignore, cut contact and not give her anymore money back!

Just tell everyone what you’ve told us - matter of factly. It’s up to them what they choose to believe. But don’t grovel or anything. Refuse to feel guilty for the truth and bugger the rest of them if they don’t believe you.

And if all bridges are burnt then definitely don’t pay the rest back. It was a gift!

That's not how gifts work, I don't understand why you even started paying her back to be honest. She gave you the money, you accepted - she can't just ask for it back now.

Set up a direct debit for a quid a week. Tell her that's all you can afford..
Then back away op.

Other family members can be there for her...
Do you really need such abuse in your life?
I am nc with my dm for rubbish treatment..
Been 20 years.

I think it was partly I felt guilty then also I knew if I didn’t it would become the massive issue it has

Pay her back, by any means possible - borrow from a mate if you have too, it’s worth another debt in my opinion. Give her the lump sum, take a pic of her receiving it , then cut all ties. This was a deliberate act of sabotage from someone who is meant to love you. You don’t need this drama in your life, and she needs to know the consequences to her vicious act.

I feel like she will always do anything to have some kind of hold over me? As a child I was emotionally abused, as a teen I was blackmailed by her and I should have realised this was just another way she kept offering and offering till I accepted then she again had something over me

It was a gift so you don't pay it back
She can take you to court and it will look like a loan as you paid some back

Did you put it in writing or would it look like she'd given you a gift and you had given her a small gift back as she said she needed money

I would call your mum out of it, that she insisted and didn't want you to wait in NHS and if she hadn't insisted it was a gift after( repeatedly trying to pay for other things you'd turned down), then you would never have accepted and would have stuck with NHS.

I would be very unhappy with my mum for putting me in that position when she knew I'd lost my job. Except my mum would never do this to me. I'm cross on your behalf

If you've nothing in writing saying you'll pay back or saying is a loan then stop responding to her other than to remind her it was a gift. She can't change terms of if later but you'd happily help her out if you were in financial position to, you're not.

I'd also be upfront in conversation not knowing writing with your siblings.
If your mum has done this to you she may have done same to them or will do, so truth will come out in future.

from a legal stand point you paid £600 back in installments which is acknowledgement of a loan not a gift so if she sues you your screwed.

You point to refuse to pay has been an gone, it was the point when she changed the terms from gift to loan by paying it you accepted the terms that its a loan.

i disagree. If there is no proof the money was a gift, then equally there is no proof that the money was a loan that had to be repaid.

The instalments OP has paid could be gifts to her mother.

I wouldn’t pay her a penny.

Sorry OP. Based on her previous behaviour this sounds like a controlling tactic. How awful.

I'd be inclined to cut contact and block her (and ignore any flying monkeys she deploys). The worst she can do is take you to court but if you can't pay, there's little point - and she has no proof one way or the other about the arrangement.

This is why when I've given significant amounts to one child, the other has known and it's been clearly a gift. My brother was forever 'borrowing' from our mother, 4 figure sums, which he never repaid and when she died her money was split equally between us.

I’m such a doormat she started being weird about it and being how I am I just thought better to have a quiet life, pay it back (begrudgingly as it was a gift) and learn a lesson but then I wasn’t working and wasn’t able to which I didn’t foresee. Just a mess really

I suppose yes, as she hasn’t ever engaged in conversation about it in writing the £600 repaid so far could have been for anything and not in fact any kind of ‘repayment ‘ if it went further