To not pay this back and object to everyone being told that I’m not ?

[WhatAFrog]

A few years ago DM offered me a few things , gifts . The first was a holiday-I declined as it was a lot she kept offering saying she wanted to treat us but I continued to decline as it was a lot of money.

A few months later she offered to help with some renovations we were having-really insisting she wanted to help. Again I declined as we could just about manage.

On another occasion she was offering to pay for a course I wanted to do. Again , I declined.

Anyway about a year after her first offer I suddenly needed some medical treatment and I couldn’t get a referral on the nhs and I was desperate so she offered to pay -as a gift and I accepted.

Approx 18 m ago she decided it wasn’t a gift anymore. She wanted repaying. I was shocked but said ok fine I’ll start repaying what i can. I paid back approx £600 then lost my job and haven’t been able to work since so couldn’t pay any more back and she has told everyone. My siblings are angry. Family friends have had a go at me as DM now pleads poverty and says I borrowed money. It was a gift. Why would she do this ? It was approx £2500 in total.

Im glad I never accepted any of her other gifts tbh. She’s making out like I’m a pisstaker when if I was I’d have accepted all her offers and I only did when I was desperate 😞

It does not show it was a loan not a gift that you have paid her £600. If anyone asks tell them the truth and let them know you've paid her £600 as a goodwill gesture as it's all you can afford and you wouldn't have accepted the money had it been presented as a loan, not a gift. She's a manipulative cow.

Send your family members an email, saying exactly what you’ve said here.

As a PP says, set up a DD for a pound a week or whatever and (moderately) up in when you are back in work.

Consider the matter closed, and carry on as normal. Minimise contact with your mum.

How odd that the rest of your family are siding with her about an operation. It’s hardly a luxury handbag!!

I don't think she's in any position to sue her, how would either of them pay legal fees?

They will side with her partly through habit (siblings - it was a theme growing up - side with her and get treated well, dont- get treated badly like me)
family friends - DM has carefully cultivated an image to outsiders for decades. Calm, reasonable, mild, yet behind closed doors the opposite. Able to switch from perpetrator to victim in a instant

In a way I (wrongly) wondered at some point were all these offers because she felt bad and wanted to make it up to me? I see now it was just to draw me in somehow.

I've voted YABU because of what you reveal much later on about your mother. Readers of your initial post didn't know what sort of person she is; you did. BUT if you'd asked if she were being unreasonable to treat you in this way, I wd have said she was. You are not being unreasonable to feel upset about her behaviour and the consequences. (Is the expression 'tell the truth and shame the devil' perhaps appropriate?) Best wishes..

How odd that the rest of your family are siding with her about an operation. It’s hardly a luxury handbag!!
But it was clearly elective surgery, or else it would have been available on the NHS.

If it’s relevant it was a knee op (I literally couldn’t walk some days ! Nhs said to keep trying physio but even the physio wait was months and physio would make it worse I needed the surgery then physio after if that makes sense ) it wasn’t like it was cosmetic surgery or anything (no judgement to anyone who does have that I’m just clarifying )

Yes, it's sad isn't. My DM used to pull the same sorts of stunts. As everyone else is getting off on you being the bad guy, there is not a lot you can do, though it hurts to have people who know what she's like choosing to believe her false reality. Don't pay the trout any more money back.

You could write a succinct summary of events, and send copies of it to her and all making it their business to be 'concerned' on her behalf (otherwise known as the Abuse Support Network!)... Or just know the truth of the matter yourself. Commiserations. These people are hell. And still one hopes...

I read a great phrase 'help is the soft side of control'.

Chalk this one up, she's a bitch. As a PP suggested pay like £5 a month and just repeat.

'Mum told me it was a gift. I have lost my job so am repaying at the level I can afford. The gift is being repaid. This is not anyone else's business'.

'Sorry Mum I thought it was a gift. I repaid when I could, I will still repay but as I lost my job it's going to take longer. Thank you for your kind gift, shame we didn't work out repayment turns at the time'. Smile and repeat.

I’m sorry you’ve suffered this for so long op.it does not have to continue though.you are in control of your controllables iyswim. So do what you can now .then leave her behind.no shame no guilt no what ifs.don’t ruminate on why she did this or does this.you can’t fathom the whys with abusers and neither should you want to because that would make your thoughts like theees and they aren’t!and that in the end is your superpower.
let’s see what now do you think is your best option?
I think there Deff needs to be around robin message to the family.at lead trhen you’ve aired the truth.your free and had your voice.

I’m just tired of feeling like I have to explain myself. I feel like saying ‘fine f* everyone who chooses to believe her I’m done’

Well she's being horrible, she shouldn't ask for it back, it WAS a gift. Given that she's being so horrid, you'd be justified in going low/no contact, and not paying her back. Just tell her she's not getting it, so she shouldn't expect it. If she keeps hassling, cut contact all together. With other family members, keep repeating your side of the story, they probably care less about it than you think, and will come around eventually.

IME once you are an adult, your parents giving money (to you or your children) is almost always about control. However well intentioned, there will always be that moment when you have to 'pay back' in some way or other.

I think you know this OP, which is why you refused the other 'gifts'.

I would want to pay it back, just to get rid of the obligation, but obviously you can't conjure the money up from nowhere, I would agree to a small weekly payment now, pay back the rest when you are able. And then never take anything from her again.

I’m just tired of feeling like I have to explain myself. I feel like saying ‘fine f everyone who chooses to believe her I’m done’*

Good for you. These antics of hers/theirs may work out to be a good thing for you, ultimately; and good anyway to draw a hard line in your head about them all.

How horrible. Trying to find a positive, use this as a chance to cut yourself free. Tell her you have no idea why she would force you to accept a gift, only to then request reimbursement and bad mouth you when you aren't able to pay it fully back, for now. Tell her it's clear she dislikes you and therefore there is no point in you continuing to have any sort of relationship.

And then celebrate your new found freedom.

Absolute nonsense.

This has always been the point for me where I question everything- I’ve always known she dislikes me and since I was as young as I can remember it’s made me feel like I have no firm foundation to base my life on as it’s meant to be the automatic thing isn’t it - a mothers love and i don’t have it. It makes me feel so unsure of everything else but maybe I need to see it from a different perspective. She just doesn’t like me 🤷‍♀️ I need to accept it as not place so much worth on the fact that it’s my mother who doesn’t like me and just see her as a random person.

Yes. It’s just got ridiculous now I’m just mentally checking out as I will never be able to work her out !

Get another job and pay her back monthly by standing order. Only alternative is for her to take you to a small claims court and to have friends and family treat you like a leper.

I can’t currently work. To be honest if family and friends choose to believe her then that’s their choice I can’t control them and by trying to and shouting my innocence I think it’s just playing the game and giving her the reaction she wants

TBH, if I asked my parent for a large sum of money for specific reason and they gave it to me (and didn't also give my siblings the same amount) I would assume it was a loan not a gift. I'd 100% expect to pay it back.

On what basis did you think it was a gift, and non repayable? Even if repayment wasn't mentioned at the time of borrowing, surely it would be a given that you need to pay it back.

Unless it was expressly stated that the money that you asked for was a gift that didn't need to be repaid at any point, I think you should have assumed it was a loan. It's not really fair for you to get a large sum of money from your mum and your siblings not to be given the same. Unless they are very wealthy (which it doesn't sound like your mum is), parents don't usually hand out large chunks of money to just one child without expectation of repayment.

@WhatAFrog get yourself into therapy. Build your boundaries high and detache.

You’ll never win. Never feel good enough.

This is your mums issue. Don’t play the game. Ignore. Remove flying monkeys too.

My FIL has done exactly the same thing to my husband and had the whole family turn against us without even listening to DHs side. It was 8 years ago the gift was given and FIL recently changed the narrative after coming under financial hardships (a lot to do with his poor decision making). We can afford to help him out but instead of talk to us about it, FIL just shit stirred and manipulated the whole family for years into being so utterly horrible to us that we went no contact with them all. DH says after how much pain he's caused FIL won't ever see us again let alone get a penny from us. Really shocked me how they all turned on us with no warning or reasoning like a pack of mindless hyenas. Gifts are not meant to be repayed that's the whole point of them and I think going back on that is a really horrible thing of your mum to do. Getting other family involved is even worse.