To not pay this back and object to everyone being told that I’m not ?

[WhatAFrog]

A few years ago DM offered me a few things , gifts . The first was a holiday-I declined as it was a lot she kept offering saying she wanted to treat us but I continued to decline as it was a lot of money.

A few months later she offered to help with some renovations we were having-really insisting she wanted to help. Again I declined as we could just about manage.

On another occasion she was offering to pay for a course I wanted to do. Again , I declined.

Anyway about a year after her first offer I suddenly needed some medical treatment and I couldn’t get a referral on the nhs and I was desperate so she offered to pay -as a gift and I accepted.

Approx 18 m ago she decided it wasn’t a gift anymore. She wanted repaying. I was shocked but said ok fine I’ll start repaying what i can. I paid back approx £600 then lost my job and haven’t been able to work since so couldn’t pay any more back and she has told everyone. My siblings are angry. Family friends have had a go at me as DM now pleads poverty and says I borrowed money. It was a gift. Why would she do this ? It was approx £2500 in total.

Im glad I never accepted any of her other gifts tbh. She’s making out like I’m a pisstaker when if I was I’d have accepted all her offers and I only did when I was desperate 😞

She told me it was a gift. The offers before were ‘let me treat you’, ‘let me get you this as a present’ ‘let me pay as I can afford it’ etc. i declined those but when I was struggling health wise she said ‘look up how much it’ll be going private - I’ll pay’
It was 100% a gift

Go NC and don’t pay back any more. Life is too short, this is financial abuse, if she offered as a gift and is now trying to manipulate you and pressure money out of you when you’re financially vulnerable.

I'm so sorry OP. What a horrible thing to happen to you. You will feel free if you cut contact. For your DM (or not, in this case!), it's all about control but if you don't allow her into your life any more she loses that power. You can do it! 💪🏽

I think I'd send an email to all the people who don't believe you, setting out what you've said here. I'd tell them it's up to them who they choose to believe, but you just want to put your side, since everyone has jumped to attack you without allowing you to do so.

And no, since it was a gift, I wouldn't be paying her back.

How old is your mum and does she still have all her marbles?

Do you think she remembers this conversation where she said it was a gift? How long ago was it?

I'm just wondering if she has genuinely forgotten that she said this and now you have no record of it you both believe you are in the right.

In that situation, there's not a lot you can do other than arrange to pay it back or damage your relationship with your mum.

If she is actually lying and just being nasty, do you actually care about having a relationship with her? If not, you could just cut her off and not pay her back.

Grrrrr.......my mum did similar. Invited me to go on holiday with them, I said straight away, in person, that I couldn't afford the flight. She immediately said "I can. I'll pay." I accepted gratefully - then was bombarded with messages after the holiday asking me when I could pay it back. I don't know whether I got the wrong end of the stick but it certainly wasn't phrased like it was a loan.

My DH had almost identical situation with his mother.
we went NC because of the abuse. 20 years later, still NC

I think this is exactly what you needed to get to. She’s cast you as the loser whatever you do. You can’t win

she Wants a reaction, give her NOTHING, say nothing and tell your family that they know her and they know you and if they choose to side with her, crack on. You won’t miss any of them.

If I hadn't read numerous other threads from posters describing how their DM behaves towards them, I would find it difficult to believe such heinous behaviour, but clearly there is something about how some mothers behave so wickedly towards their daughters. It is really dreadful how she entrapped you and led you to believe she cared.

All you can do is completely block all contact.

Also look up the practice of Self-Differentiation, the ability to stand alone without any need for approval. Build up your emotional muscle and that will give you the resilience to not care what others' judgements are towards you.

Standing alone doesn't mean being lonely it just means not having any need for validation. Not least of all from a mother who would pull a stunt like this, especially as the money was for medical costs. Hopefully she will have the rest of her life to stew in her own poisonous juices when you completely block her from your life.

She didn't ask for the money, her mother offered.

Why would siblings expect to get the same? If my sister could be bumped up for health treatment she couldn't otherwise afford by my parents I wouldn't be waiting in line to receive the equivalent cash gift that I don't need.

If you can find her a way to pay her back, I would. If not, tough luck for her. I don't often think this but I really would go NC in this case- your 'D'M sounds deeply unpleasant and defo someone you don't need in your life

OP are you British? I only ask because my MIL is very much like this. There is a cultural element to her behaviour. There is much more a feeling of "family money" and family will always help out. But what that means is they may give you a gift, but don't be surprised if in a couple of years they turn round and say "oh I need you to repay that". If I said to my DH's relatives isn't that outrageous they would very much take MIL side.

I can't deal with this so we don't accept any financial gifts and my MIL really struggles to understand.

My dm once gave me some money towards an urgent repair, she said I needn't pay it back.
About a year later I had some spare money and paid the £600 back in full.
6 months after i repaid her my db got engaged and dm was furious with me for paying her the money back.
Apparently she had spent the money and if I hadn't paid her back she could have asked for it for her to give to my db towards his wedding.
I ruined her magnanimous gesture.
Some families are totally bizarre!

At the time I would have offered to pay her back in instalments (via text message).

If she replied that no she doesn’t want the money back, then you’d have your proof.

She’s either a very nasty person or more likely you both got the wrong end of the stick.

Can your DH not pay her £5 a week even?
You can explain that you’ve lost your job and so the payments will have to be reduced but once you’ve got a job you’ll increase then again.

Most people would be happy that you’re paying something back even if it is small.

My mum does this all the time. Offers stuff as a gift then decides after the event is was a loan. I actually video her now (with her consent, she admits her memory is going) every time she offers me anything now!

Understand this can be difficult to do with an in law though!

This.
You and your mum both know it was a gift. You’ve paid some back but you are out of work. Don’t pay any more back. Don’t respond to her messages, don’t visit her. If your family members comment, decline to discuss it. Either don’t respond to messages or change the subject.
She wants control over you. Don’t give it to her. Give it a month and then decide if you want to permanently go NC. Doesn’t sound like she enriches your life..

I don't think your family and friends believe your mum at all. They know exactly what she is like and they are happy for you to be the scapegoat as it means that she leaves them alone. I'd cut out the lot of them. Do you have anyone else such as friends or partner?

Sorry I thought you said MIL so thought your DH could help out.

As a single, unemployed person it’s really shitty of her to think you can afford to pay her back.

I would give a token amount of £1 a week and tell her you’ll start paying her back more once you’re earning more.

Cut her and anyone who harasses you out.

Block them on phones, email, social media. Ignore them in the street.

Life is too short to allow yourself to be treated like this. Don’t pay her a penny unless you can afford to and want to

In some ways the loan/gift doesn't matter.

It could have been a misunderstanding & you started to pay back as soon as you realised.

Atm you can't pay back & she needs to wait.

Your siblings are absolute shits not to see that.

Any chance that they take everything she offers & aren't asked to pay back?

Its an awful situation to be in. You don't know what has been said to who, and how its been presented.. Ask your DM..to tell you outright.
Make her discuss this. Calmly.

If she has something to say, she can say it to your face instead of whispering behind your back.

Remind her you've turned down "gifts", remind her this was a medical issue, and that you paid her back when working but now are not working. If you couldn't afford the lump sum for emergencies when you were working, how does she expect it when you are not working?
She has completely gone back on her promise and you should tell her how hurtful this is.
To get her off your back, I would probably offer to pay her back but only when you are once again in a position to do so.

and take a giant giant step back from her and the other "angry" family members.

They are not doing you any good.

If your siblings have a go at you again. Ask them to be specific about why they are so angry. If they are specific, you can address it bit by bit and put the untruths straight. If all they want is general condemnation, then leave. I agree with what you've said about being tired of having to justify yourself to them. You haven't done anything wrong.

Have they said something directly and you were shocked and didn't say what you could have there and then. Was that a one off discussion? Is this usual for them? Is there even one of them who might listen to your side ? Maybe have some phrases worked out in advance as I understand that emotions get in the way and its hard to defend yourself. Family friends can get lost frankly.

I can understand that this is so hurtful, but if that is how they all behave, and have done so before then its probably the time to recognise this is an ongoing situation and if it wasn't the money, it would be something else. Lower your expectations of them. They are probably never going to be the ideal family that you'd like to have had. Vow to spend more of your time with people who are kind to you and don't make you feel like crap, and if they are stupid enough not to recognise your mother's behaviour - leave them all to it.

Often wonder why people don't see right through this kind of thing (ie family, friends taking her side) and I think often it's just level of effort/engagement - they just take the first thing they hear at face value and don't really put any more thought into it. It's not necessarily they reject OP's (more likely) version of events, they just aren't bothered enough to interrogate the evidence.

Sorry, OP. It is financial abuse. I think the 'moral high ground' thing of repaying the money doesn't apply when you were deceived in the first place. You've described a history of money being used to control you, so if you're not ready to break off contact immediately - suggest you severely limit the amount of information your mother gets about you and your doings (so she can't swoop in again with cash offers - because they are incredibly tempting in the moment), and do whatever you can to foster your financial independence. Are you claiming everything you're entitled to, if unable to work?

Good luck. I am familiar with the gratitude-to-fear yank of the financial not-really-a-gift and it's not pleasant.

Wait till you have something wrong with you that requires surgery and see how the NHS behaves then

Dh you could say had elected surgery when he went private for his cancer treatment.

He elected that he wanted to live where as the NHS wanted him dead.

If you decide to pay her back at £1 per month. Make sure the transfer is entitled Loan.

That will confuse anyone she shows the statement to.

Well you may as well not bother then repaying the outstanding £1900! She has shot herself in the foot by telling everyone you owe it and aren't repaying it, as you may as well do what she has accused you of!