To not pay this back and object to everyone being told that I’m not ?

[WhatAFrog]

A few years ago DM offered me a few things , gifts . The first was a holiday-I declined as it was a lot she kept offering saying she wanted to treat us but I continued to decline as it was a lot of money.

A few months later she offered to help with some renovations we were having-really insisting she wanted to help. Again I declined as we could just about manage.

On another occasion she was offering to pay for a course I wanted to do. Again , I declined.

Anyway about a year after her first offer I suddenly needed some medical treatment and I couldn’t get a referral on the nhs and I was desperate so she offered to pay -as a gift and I accepted.

Approx 18 m ago she decided it wasn’t a gift anymore. She wanted repaying. I was shocked but said ok fine I’ll start repaying what i can. I paid back approx £600 then lost my job and haven’t been able to work since so couldn’t pay any more back and she has told everyone. My siblings are angry. Family friends have had a go at me as DM now pleads poverty and says I borrowed money. It was a gift. Why would she do this ? It was approx £2500 in total.

Im glad I never accepted any of her other gifts tbh. She’s making out like I’m a pisstaker when if I was I’d have accepted all her offers and I only did when I was desperate 😞

That's a good point, the damage is done, so you may as well keep the cash.

It doesn't matter what she or other family members think.

It really truly doesn't. You will never win against someone who will will always throw the lowest blow.

Just block her and other family members and get on with your life.

I've done that and it was hard at first but gets easier with time.

You can't simply say you can't afford to. £50 a month for however long it takes.

I can't believe she's done this tho!

Why though? A gift is a gift. Do you go around asking people to pay you back for gifts?

I would be open about what has happened to your family and tell them that you are cutting contact with your DM. I’d tell them how hurt I am that they’ve taken her side, especially as it was for a medical issue. I would tell them that I will not be replying to any nasty messages but that the door is still open if they begin to understand the situation and would like to remain in contact. I’d tell your mum exactly why you’re cutting contact. It sounds like she has some sort of personality disorder and is very egocentric and doesn’t fully understand the consequences of her actions. She will probably never learn but at least give her the chance to.

My DM isn’t mean in the way that yours is but she has a way of manipulating and wanting to control everyone’s relationships. She knows she’s weird and lacking in social skills so she doesn’t like others talking about her and tries to intervene to stop it. I call her out on everything and she hates it. I’m also very open with everyone else so I have no secrets and there are no complications. But then I don’t think my family would fall for the tearful victim act!

And here’s no way I’d be paying her back. It was a gift and that’s that….if anything she owes you £600.

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation @WhatAFrog .

What I would do is put a message together (either by email or on WhatsApp or text, whatever works best) to get in touch with as many of the doubting family members and say something along these lines in the message:

Hi All - I have recently become aware that Mum is saying that the money spend on X operation for me was not a gift and was in fact a loan. This is untrue. Mum had offered in the past to pay for a holiday for me, for a course for me to attend, for renovations amongst other things. All were to be gifts and all were politely declined.
Mum had offered to pay for the cost of the medical procedure and she said this was a gift. Gifts don't come with strings attached. Gifts also don't come with repayment schedules. Prior to becoming unemployed I have repaid £600 of the cost of this procedure but due to current circumstances, I am no longer able to pay whatever is outstanding back to Mum.
I am very hurt that my family believes that I am lying about this money being a gift. I'm sending this message out so that you can read the truth of the situation. I am now going to take a break from all forms of technology so will not be responding to any texts, email replies etc. about this matter as it has been very upsetting to me.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. All the best, WhatAFrog"

Or something along those lines.

Can I ask how old your mother is.
I don’t wish to offend but it’s an indicator of early onset dementia.
Ive dealt with many people suffering and what you describe isn’t unheard of.

This is exactly what my mother is like and family, it makes their life easier to always side with her and never call her out on her behaviour. Best thing I did was go NC, with other family members too. The ones I do stay in contact with are very LC and her and the rest of the family don’t get discussed. It means me missing out on a lot of “family” events but it’s worth my mental well-being not being around them.

I’ve always known she dislikes me and since I was as young as I can remember it’s made me feel like I have no firm foundation to base my life on as it’s meant to be the automatic thing isn’t it - a mothers love and i don’t have it. It makes me feel so unsure of everything else but maybe I need to see it from a different perspective. She just doesn’t like me 🤷‍♀️ I need to accept it as not place so much worth on the fact that it’s my mother who doesn’t like me and just see her as a random person

I think you're viewing this as "I'm such a rotten worthless person that even my own mother doesn't like me". A more useful perspective is "There is something so deeply wrong with my mother's personality that she dislikes me for no reason". Really, don't think of it as something intrinsically wrong with you, think of it as something wrong with her. She's a lousy parent!

You're right that feeling that your parent despises/dislikes you leaves you feeling without a secure base for your foundations, and generally a bit hopeless and inadequate. But you aren't, you're strong as you have made it this far without the security blanket of parental love and respect.

She's not bringing any positives to your life, so you've nothing to lose by leaving her in the past. Move forward without her, she is a ball and chain dragging you down. You don't need that.

Wow! We went five whole pages before dementia was mentioned. Must be a record!!!

Did you miss the previous posts by the OP where the mother has always been very manipulative and abusive?

My honest response is to feel livid, imagining I was in OP's situation. I'd do something reckless like post the bare story on Facebook. And try to have minimal contact otherwise.

"I thought it was a gift when my mom gave me £2500 for medical treatment but it turns out it was a loan. I paid back £600 already. Today is last day before I get paid £600 to last the next 4 weeks. I now have £21 left in my bank account so I will pay my mom £20 tomorrow as soon as my pay clears. That will take the debt to £1880. Updates to follow."

Yeah I'm afraid the situation would turn me into a total bitch. Anyone who doesn't like the story on FBk can unfriend me. Bonus to lose them.

She’s 65 and in perfect health she’s always been difficult. Prone to shaky anxiety attacks and feels scared if you call her out on anything ….. especially if there’s an audience she can turn it on in an instant I remember once she was right in my face having a go at me when I was about 20 , a relative walked in and she dramatically threw herself down sobbing and crying out how could I say these things to her and how scared she felt

I think i remember you posting about this backw ehn she started saying you had to pay it back?
sounds very manipulative - i am so sorry

You no what we are made up of-love and the need for it.it’s the ultimate.without it it sends our body our souls and emotions all over the place.and it can dig us deep in the heart if we aren’t careful or don’t find the resources to move on.or basically the epic self love in order to go find those worthy of us.that’s what you need to do.everything your doing is because you just want your mums acceptance. You keep forgiving and taking her back because there is a glimmer or hope that one day she will find you worthy of her love. Because we all just want our mums to live us. Our protectors to protect us and love us.to be enough.
we are shrivelled up little beings that grow and inflate with our sense of worth.
often inn li free e the biggest thing to learn is you are worthy.by being a live breathing thing you are worthy. And from their you will be invincible and people will flock to you who deserve you.
what your mums done to you has been cruel.from the other bits you’ve said she has been emotionally abusing you you whole life. This has created those self defeating pathways in your brain.you need to rewrite.this is her fault.her misgiving.her insecurities.her damming wrongness.not yours.break free of her.she has brought you down enough.
you do not deserve how she has made you feel and how little she has made you beleive in yourself or your actions and motives.
there is nothing wrong with you.

This. With mothers like this it’s all about control. Stay away from her and as advised go no contact

I agree with @Cruisebabe1 and simply do not pay her back a penny, else you would seem to admit you are wrong. I hope the 'gift' helped your health and consider it the only good thing you'll get from a mother like that and it is well earned.

Has she also in the past offered your siblings money for holidays/home improvements/rescues or is it just you; are you perceived by her as needing to be rescued?

You are well positioned to warn your siblings that if ever mum offers to ‘pay’, it is not a gift; that having declined her offers in the past, now in your time of medical need she turned the screws demanding repayment when you are not able to work.

She sounds very manipulative and now has everyone on her side. I would write a very short letter saying it was offered as a gift as were the other things which you refused and you only took this as was medical treatment you needed and she did say it was a gift but you wanted to pay it back. 600 you have paid and you will pay the rest when you re-start work or can make weekly payments of say 10 or 20. I would also mention that it is not very nice of her gossiping about you as she offered as a gift. Tell her gently that it is best if low contact as she has just let you down so much and it is very hurtful. Ignore everyone else, if you have a sister write to her also and explain and I would just let the whole damn lot of them get on with it and do not let it take over your thinking and life. Horrible the way she has gaslighted you and treated you and try to let it go or it will do your head in. People can be so cruel and mean and usually pick on the sensitive people who they see as not standing up for themselves, have had it myself. Now I pretty much keep away from lots of those people as all seem to talk about everyone and anyone behind their backs and then nice to their face. Chin up and try not to worry, she has shown her true colours over and over and it is very sad that a mum would treat a daughter like this.

Mrs43s Have you not read what she wrote, that it was offered to her, this has been stated over and over as a gift. The mother had offered her other gifts which she refused but this was for a knee operation that she needed as could not walk and in agony. The daughter paid 600 back as wanted to but now unable to work has not got the funds and the mum is gossiping and being nasty about her daughter. So it was a gift as stated so please read the original post as you sound as bad as her mother trying to change the narrative.

Is she running of out of money? Has she been scammed and doesn't want to admit to it, rather clutching at trying to scramble to get some funds back?

people do weird things when under pressure, esp. financial pressure.