My daughter's step mum

[BonnieBobbet]

I don't know where to start with this and may well be being unreasonable but it's really hard for me to see my child upset and I'm after some advice about this.

Basically me and ex-p share one 9 year old DD. He now has a child with his wife too, a 3 year old.

My daughter loves her brother but she's really struggling with how things have changed so much with her stepmum and her family since he came along.

She used to be very invested in my daughter's life, they spent time together going places, she'd help out in the school holidays and things, and yes admittedly she's helped me out on a few occasions too. I've always been very grateful and it was never expected but she's offered in the past and we get on well enough.

Since her son was born is like she never really has time for DD. Never takes her anywhere anymore, doesn't help out ex-p making some logistics difficult.

Her family were really good with her too and she enjoyed their company. They weren't grandparents to her but she really liked them. Now it's the same, she feels they are only interested in her brother, she doesn't really understand why he can go for sleepovers and SMs mum and dad's house but she can't for example.

She no longer bothers buying her things to give him on father's Day or his birthday saying she could buy him something herself with her pocket money. She could of course and she then does but it's just another example of how things have just abruptly stopped for her since SM had her real baby iyswim.

Ex-p has never taken our DD abroad saying they prefer UK holidays anyway and I've never been bothered by this obviously as UK holidays are still great and it's not my business. DD has made comments in the past but I've told her not to be ungrateful. I take her away abroad every year anyway. Except now SM is off what seems like every 6 months on holidays with her son, one of which was Disneyland just before the school hols. They can afford all of this but never prioritise a family holiday including DD.

She's a SAHM and according to DD has just stopped doing anything like helping tidy her room or change or sheets and things leaving them to either her or her dad when he remembers all the while ensuring her son's room is spotless every day.

I know he's her dad and it's his responsibility not hers. But the change is just so obvious and hurtful to DD. She says her brother is all SM cares about now and I don't know what to say or do.

Do I say something or stay out of it? Obviously it's technically none of my business what her family do or where she goes or what she does with or for her child but it's affecting DD and she prefers staying with me now.

Absolutely.

OP,

I feel for your child.
Her step mother clearly wasvery involved and now has how own child and has really stepped back.

That is her choice but very hard on your little one.

Her father does not sound great and I wonder is 50/50 in her best interests.

She's coming to an age where her feelings count.

I don't think 9 year olds change their bed sheets but that could be me.

Aftercare at school is a tricky one.
I know my youngest daughter had friends who went and without exception they hated it.
The school day was long enough and they just wanted to go home.
But her SM cannot be forced to take on this role now that she is a SAHP.

Your daughter being an only child is probably feeling this all more acutely.

What sort of bond exactly does she have with her father?

Because if he has left her child rearing to her step mother, it might be better to revisit the arrangements.

Better she is there only one night a week but happy, rather than 3 and unhappy.

Monitor the situation speak to him in a very very non accusatory way and see if things can work better.

Don't mention the holidays at all.
They really are her business, hard as it must be on your daughter when she is there so much.

Does your DD even want to be there as much as she is?

I know your agreement is 50/50 but clearly your ex has outsourced that to his new wife.

I would look into changing the agreement to one that HE can actually live up to. Your DD would be less disappointed.

So how many times have you offered to take her son with you on holiday with your daughter? Zero by any chance?? So why should she be taking your daughter?

How have you tried to maintain the relationship with her? You talk about how she used to send pictures of your daughter etc, what have you done? Have you asked after her son or done anything to nurture the relationship, or is it all her job?

Honestly, who the fuck would be a step mum, held to a higher standard than the child’s own father.

I would have liked to have had a better relationship with my dad and had time with him. But never happened when he moved on and had another DC. Many kids want to spend time with there dad but sadly men seem to think any woman is a suitable replacement and should deal with his kids during his contact time. Until that changes we will always have these threads berating a step mum

Is this actually the case though?? From ops posts the only thing about the dad really is the bit about holidays, which he doesn't actually go on anyway.

I absolutely agree that ops ex should be being an excellent father and taking responsibility for his dd and treating the dc fairly etc but we have no evidence either way whether he is or isn't because the op hasn't mentioned much about him and what he does with their child. Because her point is about her dd being upset about her relationship with her stepmum. Perhaps her dd is also upset about her relationship with her dad as well but op hasn't said this so one would assume that the dd is okay in her relationship with her dad (this obviously may not be the case, but you can't assume it isn't).

Her father is responsible for parenting.

However this woman built up a relationship with a child/person made friends, was supportive etc and is now effectively gaslighting the child. Who unsurprisingly is upset.
The SM is responsible for her relationship with her DSD - no one else. She needs to own that relationship and not be so rude.
Her DF needs to sit with his DW and work out what works for both of them
Poor girl - effectively being dumped by one of the adults she thought cared for her - v hard to explain

You are overall being unreasonable. It's not the step mother's responsibility to do the school runs, tidy your DD's bedroom, take her on holiday or do sleepovers with her parents. I don't think you should raise any of these points with DD's dad.

Their financial situation is none of your business, however SM lives her life and raises their son is also nothing to do with you.

HOWEVER I do think the point that is worth raising with DD's dad is the one about managing her expectations with a new sibling & expectations as she grows up. Someone made a good point earlier that the dynamics change with a sibling whether it's biological or step. Maybe you should both try to get roughly on the same page with her responsibilities now she's older e.g. tidying bedroom, so it's not so uneven between the two households.

I personally believe it's really important that you both encourage DD to keep an open dialogue with BOTH PARENTS, not just you. Encourage her to tell her Dad how she is feeling as well.

Maybe also try to make sure you don't come across as accusatory in any of this, you could go from the angle where you mention that you think DD is struggling with the dynamics, but you've told her to talk to him about it, and just wanted to give them the heads up, and support them/her through the changes.

There have been a couple of threads recently from the other side of this, posted by SMs.

The common thread is universally that the arrival of the new baby exposes how much the step-mother was doing for the step-children and how little the biological father of all of the children has stepped up to support his older children in the transition to having a new half-sibling.

I’ve had a fabulous step dad for about 47 years whose been the only father I’ll ever want. And as luck would have it he remarried after my mum died and his new wife has taken me and my lot on. It’s funny though because they’re in their 70’s and I’m in my 60’s ( my dad was the original toy boy) but he’s my dad and she’s someone who I have a loving relationship with as do my children and grandchildren.

But we know the SM previously did everything, the only reason for this, realistically, is because her actual parent did not.

Those who are saying this thread is made up in response to other threads… I’m sure this one isn’t but SM issues are ripe for trolling as they can easily be designed to cause a ruck. Not too uncommon for step-parenting threads to be deleted for trolling.

OP - I feel sorry for your daughter. I lived with my DSD for 7 years before having my first child, first 50% and then 100% of the time. I developed such a close relationship with my DSD that I couldn’t imagine losing interest in her once had my own. She wasn’t a placeholder child, she was her own person who I loved very much and had a relationship with person to person. She also of course /is my DC’s half-sister.

I think it’s fair enough the SM takes her own SC on holidays by herself however.

But in terms of how your DD feels, I’d speak to your ex gently about it because it’s affecting how she feels about going to his house.

Sad for your DD. Whatever the reasons for this, she is feeling hurt and that's a shame.

I'm a mum and a SM. I suspect, as many other have said, that your ex wasn't doing enough for DD, so SM stepped up. And now, if he's also not doing enough for his toddler then SM will have much less time and headspace.

It's possible that SM's parents can only cope with a 3yo and dont have the energy/confidence to add another child into the mix. Or they're doing favours/childrcare with DGS and assume DD doesn't need this. But I can see how this won't be immediately obvious to a 9yo.

I'd speak to your ex, explain how DD is feeling, ask him to suggest solutions that he can provide. Is he spending enough 1:1 time with DD? Could they do a regular activity together? Ask him if 50:50 is working (be wary of him resisting change to avoid paying maintenance though).

Might be worth trying to understand why your DD needs to stay in after-school club when SM is at home. It may be that collection time clashes with the toddler's routine. But it's something that stood out for me in your examples - it would be good to know more. Even if it still won't change, it may help your DD to understand why.

Sounds like your ex is a lazy dad and she's been picking up the slack and now she's putting boundaries in place. He isn't prioritising his kids having a good time. She's taking her kid on holidays and day trips just like you take yours

Mumsnet has shown me that I’d never be cut out to be a step-parent, there’s no way I’d want to carry the responsibility of another parents child/children.

tbh the only option here is to talk to both DD and your ex (preferably him first for a heads up then both together)

Because despite some of the posts here, there isn't any actual evidence that the SM has suddenly gone cold (this "new baby" is now 3). Maybe SM will go back to work soon? a 9 year old should be helping out in the house. And it is completely normal that a 6 year old can feel pushed out by a new baby. Normally parents (good ones) would be handling this prior to the birth, and at all times afterwards.

Children are very well known for giving their version of events which can seem very very different from other people around them. They are, of course, rightly the centre of their own universe. Our job as parents is to help them navigate learning the harsh truth about that.

@Catfordthefifth I don't see anywhere it saying that the sm previously did everything and dad did nothing.

The op said that sm would previously take dc places and help out in the holidays, help dc buy Father's Day/bday presents (obviously it's not ideal for dcs dad to do the presents), help her tidy her room and change her sheets.

I know the ops just given some examples so I'm sure sm did more than this. But I do a hell of a lot more than this for my dc so the examples certainly don't show sm did 'everything', and there's no evidence to suggest that the dcs dad didn't also help her tidy her room/change her sheets/take her out/look after her in the holidays/buy presents for his new wifes bday/Mother's Day from dc etc.

Again, maybe he doesn't do that stuff, and he deserves to be slammed for it. But without being told that this is the case, it's unreasonable to just assume he doesn't and make it all about that than the fact that ops dd feels hurt and less loved by her sm.

Im not sure anyone needs to "understand the reason why" she's in after-school club. SM not offering to do childcare is a perfectly okay reason. There shouldn't have to be a secondary reason.

It could be the SM's family are paying for the abroad holidays, particularly as DD's dad doesn't go on them?

I think it's a situation where SM isn't doing anything wrong as such, but you DD's feelings are understandable.

I would wonder whether the 50/50 arrangement is still working for DD, though I appreciate that could open up all kinds of other issues.

Utter utter bollocks.

She probably had less time and money, as do most people when they have children. At the end of the day she’s not her child, your child already has 2 parents

It's a really tough one. She is prioritising her child and leaving dd parenting to ex dh. Which is what lost step parents are encouraged to do on here.

@wherearetheturrets

"I really don't get this Mumsnet perspective that sms have NO obligation to scs! If you get into a relationship with someone then you are accepting that they have a child/children whose lives you will be a part of."

she is part of it though? Being part of a child’s life is not the same as being responsible for that child, or being duty bound in taking on a parental role.

she is part of it though? Being part of a child’s life is not the same as being responsible for that child, or being duty bound in taking on a parental role. You believing they have this obligation is not the same as them actually having it.

The ex chose to embark on a relationship with a woman that he was aware wasn’t the mother of his child. If he expected her to work as a nanny for his existing child in perpetuity he should have made it known. Same as OP. Anything she did before was a favour.

a step parent is perfectly entitled to take a hands off approach. If that’s a problem then the actual parent is quite welcome to end the relationship. What they’re not welcome to do is palm off their responsibilities onto someone else.

I am a stepmum to a 13yo and a 10yo – I’ve been in their lives for six years. They spend a lot of time with us but not full time. My partner and I now also have a baby and it has been so important to us to keep things as consistent as possible for the older two. The last thing I wanted was for them to feel I was prioritising the baby over them, or that their dad was too busy with his ‘new family’. We are one family, even if we’re not together all the time.

Sometimes I do miss out on activities now (eg cinema) but only because if I have the baby it means their dad can spend that time with the older two. Tbh this doesn’t happen often as baby can come along to most things with us. It has also always been normal for us that I don’t come along to absolutely everything either. Their dad has always been very hands on with them.

I can only speak from my own experience, but while I am fully invested in my stepkids’ lives and do a lot for them and with them, I am not their mother. They have two excellent parents already. It’s really, really hard to find the right ‘stepmum balance’ for your family. I went through a bit of turbulence with this a few years ago and realised it wasn’t my role to take on too much. Your daughter’s stepmum has perhaps come to a similar realisation, but the change has been too abrupt for your daughter.

At 9 she is still very little – and don’t forget that covid (with lockdowns, home school etc.) has held some children back in learning independence and spreading their wings. We’ve certainly seen this with the 10yo.

Your daughter’s stepmum isn’t balancing things well – regardless of whether she was doing ‘too much’ before, it’s not fair to suddenly change things like this – but ultimately it’s your ex’s responsibility to be your daughter’s main support in their household. It sounds like he perhaps wasn’t taking on enough of this responsibility previously. You can’t change that now, so you need to figure out what will help your daughter from this point onwards.

Life with a new baby is intense – your daughter’s stepmum might not realise how much the balance has shifted or how your daughter is feeling. Same for her dad. Personally, I would want to know if my stepchildren were feeling like this (and their dad would want to know too), but only you know how that conversation would be received in your family. For us, even though it is sometimes difficult and there can be resentment between the adults, open communication about the kids is ALWAYS the best thing for them.

A new sibling is a big adjustment for any child, and there are extra difficulties with blended families. Your daughter needs to know that the adults in her life still love and care for her – through both their words and their actions. Some honest conversation and one-on-one time will go a long way. But don’t assume that what is obvious to you is obvious to the other household! If you can, I would find a non-confrontational way to raise this with your daughter’s dad. Good luck xx