My daughter's step mum

[BonnieBobbet]

I don't know where to start with this and may well be being unreasonable but it's really hard for me to see my child upset and I'm after some advice about this.

Basically me and ex-p share one 9 year old DD. He now has a child with his wife too, a 3 year old.

My daughter loves her brother but she's really struggling with how things have changed so much with her stepmum and her family since he came along.

She used to be very invested in my daughter's life, they spent time together going places, she'd help out in the school holidays and things, and yes admittedly she's helped me out on a few occasions too. I've always been very grateful and it was never expected but she's offered in the past and we get on well enough.

Since her son was born is like she never really has time for DD. Never takes her anywhere anymore, doesn't help out ex-p making some logistics difficult.

Her family were really good with her too and she enjoyed their company. They weren't grandparents to her but she really liked them. Now it's the same, she feels they are only interested in her brother, she doesn't really understand why he can go for sleepovers and SMs mum and dad's house but she can't for example.

She no longer bothers buying her things to give him on father's Day or his birthday saying she could buy him something herself with her pocket money. She could of course and she then does but it's just another example of how things have just abruptly stopped for her since SM had her real baby iyswim.

Ex-p has never taken our DD abroad saying they prefer UK holidays anyway and I've never been bothered by this obviously as UK holidays are still great and it's not my business. DD has made comments in the past but I've told her not to be ungrateful. I take her away abroad every year anyway. Except now SM is off what seems like every 6 months on holidays with her son, one of which was Disneyland just before the school hols. They can afford all of this but never prioritise a family holiday including DD.

She's a SAHM and according to DD has just stopped doing anything like helping tidy her room or change or sheets and things leaving them to either her or her dad when he remembers all the while ensuring her son's room is spotless every day.

I know he's her dad and it's his responsibility not hers. But the change is just so obvious and hurtful to DD. She says her brother is all SM cares about now and I don't know what to say or do.

Do I say something or stay out of it? Obviously it's technically none of my business what her family do or where she goes or what she does with or for her child but it's affecting DD and she prefers staying with me now.

Of course its a thing...if you have a child living you for 50% of the time, you have to parent that child. You can't just opt out.

You can!

This is another one of those situations with a lazy man at the centre of it leaving the "wife work" to the nearest woman.

I don't think SM is doing anything wrong. It sounds like before her child was born she had more mental/energy capacity to do things for your DD that your ex should have been doing, and indeed it sounds like she went above and beyond for your DD.

She now has far less capacity to do that, and probably thinks your ex should step up more for your DD. Which he isn't doing, and she's getting the blame for.

Shouldn't your ex be doing these things for your DD? Taking her on holiday, helping her tidy her room? Why does he get a free pass and the responsibility is landed on the SM?

With step parenting it's whatever works works for the family. My dh has been a hands on step dad but that did not change when we had ds. I think it's great that you were generous enough to be comfortable with her being a hands on step mum. With regards to holidays, days out etc children should be treated equally. So if dd goes abroad with u it's not unreasonable that they take ds abroard separately. Although it would be nice to include her. But it's the change that dd is struggling with, you need to speak to your ex and explain she needs more from him. Obviously they are more stretched now and a toddler requires more attention but it's important he makes dd feel like part of the family.

You can, but you should never have become a stepparent if that was what you wanted.

Only on MN is it acceptable to have a child living with you for half their lives and do nothing for them, care nothing for him. Only on MN is "not my child, I don't have to do a thing for the kid" an acceptable notion. #

In the real world, thats called neglect

Dont talk shit. It’s not neglect. What a load of rubbish.

I would put my heart and soul into being a stepmum and I don’t think your DD’s stepmum was doing anything but the right thing for a new blended family.

I’m sorry things have petered out and Id have to say something. Not in an accusatory or combative way. Just say it how it is - that your DD misses her stepmum and how things used to be. Granted things change for children when a sibling comes along but this situation comes across as being a bit extreme.

The reality is she's probably not doing nothing or not caring.

Its not neglect at all, how utterly ridiculous.

Presumably her dad was neglecting her previously then? Since all of these things seemed to fall to her stepmother.

Your ex doesn't sound engaged in family life, did he want 50:50?
I know you probably have commitments too but would you be in a position to collect on the after school club days and he collect from you, or do you work outside of the home? It doesn't sound like they will be put out about that I'm sure they love her but he's not available and she's actively choosing not to (her choice of course).
with regards to the holidays I agree with others that it's more similar to your daughters holidays abroad with you, she's just confused because this lady has been stepping in for so long and I don't doubt that it suited her before she had a child.

I think it's worth allowing the distance to naturally happen between DD and SM because it sounds like she is parenting her Son quite separately from him too and you don't know if any couple will last forever. Your daughters relationship with this woman is hinged on the fact that she is married to her Dad and if he ever wasn't anymore then she would be gone completely which would hurt more than her suddenly not tidying her room.

I really struggle with this attitude...IMO (as a SM to 2 and DM to 2) if you are in a relationship with someone who has children you need to parent that child/ren exactly as if they are your own....even if you don't feel it, even when it means many personal compromises - you SC should know like they are equal priority.

OP I think it is appalling that this small child has been cast aside in favour of a "real" baby and very hurtful. Shocking behaviour. I guess all you can do is a) speak to your ex and explain the impact on your DD and what he should do about it and b) do what you can to help your daughter understand that this is not a reflection on her but on a change of circumstances.

OP I feel for you seeing your daughter upset.

You haven't addressed on here the issue of your ex's role in all this. It looks to me like once the baby came along then SM didn't have the time or energy to do all the little things she used to do for DD.

Plus as you will have seen on here she is probably resenting the fact that your ex isn't doing his fair share. He needs to step up. This is something I would address with him when you talk.

If you haven't had more DC, then it's a hard lesson for her aged 9 to have to start to share attention with Dad.

I think you need to just remind her that it's not that they love her less, it's just that they have to consider her half brother now at times. And if you get on well with Dad, then gently mention that she's feeling a little pushed out by the change.

And let her know that she's still the absolute centre of your world.

Why not? It makes for lovely family relations. It sounds like she was a loving SM before. There’s nothing to say she should not have been doing those things if she wanted to do them. The issue is, if she was doing them before, she should have the good sense to continue them. If she didn’t want to keep it up, she shouldn’t have started and created a false impression in the first place - imo.

OP, you’re not being unreasonable. At all. I would raise this in a non-confrontational way. Have a think about what to say, try and find words that would make it difficult for them to become defensive. You don’t want to give rise to a family fallout and make things worse. I do think it needs to be addressed, for your daughter. Her father should be mortified that she feels this way.

The grandparents thing is tough my dc had to experience similar and it's really hard on them. To them it reads I'm not good enough any more.

This.

I really don't get this Mumsnet perspective that sms have NO obligation to scs! If you get into a relationship with someone then you are accepting that they have a child/children whose lives you will be a part of. Personally I think that you should give it your all to treat dc as much like your own dc as possible. You don't have to love them as much as your own dc because you can't control that, but you can control your actions and how you treat them.

In this situation it's also clear that sm previously treated sd 'better'. Had she always been a hands off stepmum then this situation probably wouldn't have arisen and there would be no issue. But she wasn't and a little girl is hurt by it and that matters.

Op, I'd speak to your ex and see what he says. Honestly I don't know what you could possibly say to your daughter because I don't think there's any valid excuse to give. Yeah I'm sure sm's busier and more tired etc, but I don't think that's a good enough reason for why she no longer gives your dd much love and attention (perhaps less love and attention would be understandable but from your posts it seems beyond 'less' as it's very obvious to her).

It is hard work parenting a baby/ toddler/ 3 yo. Often the advice given to stepmothers on here is that the Dad should be responsible for his children. Rather than be unpaid childminder/ house elf.

I’d explain it to your daughter in biological family terms it’s not like her little brother has sleepovers at your house because he’s not your family.

Is there only your 9yo’s word for all of this? As children can have skewed perceptions. New siblings are an adjustment for all children. Things change.

Ultimately she is her DF’s responsibility and it’s sad how much people seem to think it’s the woman’s responsibility to cover his shortfalls as if he just can’t help it.

Hello OP. I’m writing this from the perspective of having been a stepchild. Some of the responses to you on this thread are just awful. In fact it’s likely from today I will stop reading these topics because I do find them so sad.
Anyway this is just my opinion, your DD is older and so there will be changes, tidying her own room for example, getting a present with her pocket money. I really think those things are reasonable.
But perhaps this isn’t really about things like that but rather how your DD now feels when she goes there. From what you describe your DD had a lovely relationship with her DSM. As a child we can love adults who are not related biologically, they can mean as much as blood relatives, sometimes more. I think that’s why I get so depressed when I read these threads. Such a lack of compassion and empathy i.e it’s not the DSM place, it’s not their responsibility etc
However at the end of the day they’re right, lawfully it isn’t the responsibility of the DSM to fill that gap or responsibility. But it’s alway difficult when you’ve had something and then it changes in a way you don’t understand. And very very hard for a nine year old to understand.
Perhaps your ex DH is unaware but if you spoke to him, he would hopefully step up? Perhaps it might be better if you had her a bit more of the time at the moment if that was possible. And what of her relationship with her sibling? Being a big sister is an important job :) that could be a relationship that could be built upon, one with unconditional love and that will always be constant.

I hope things improve for your DD. Good luck OP.

OP I think it is appalling that this small child has been cast aside in favour of a "real" baby and very hurtful.

As an adult though, do you really believe this is the case? That SM was loving playing mum until her 'real baby' came along?

Surely the most obvious and likely explanation is that SM used to have time and energy pre-baby that she now doesn't have, so she is leaving some things for her SD's dad to handle instead now.

SD, through child's eyes, is understandably feeling confused about this, so the adults in her life need to help her understand by explaining why certain things have changed.

Why not? It makes for lovely family relations. It sounds like she was a loving SM before. There’s nothing to say she should not have been doing those things if she wanted to do them. The issue is, if she was doing them before, she should have the good sense to continue them. If she didn’t want to keep it up, she shouldn’t have started and created a false impression in the first place - imo.

You could say that about starting off with a happy relationship with your child's other parent, and then separating.

Sometimes adults do change their approach when things no longer suit them and they are not being treated well. Perhaps she started off doing a lot but her DH took the piss. She is entitled to pull back.

So so many people completely ignoring the fact that this child has a dad who should step up and just expecting the new SM to do everything because "treat them like your own"

Why does nobody give a shit that dad isn't treating probably BOTH children well?

Do we really expect that little of men?

Yup that's why people get up in arms when the person he has outsourced his parenting to doesn't want to play ball

About the Disney holiday, one more perspective. As an SM, I would really not want to take my 9yr old DSD to Disneyland and then reap all the princess and evil stepmother consequences! Disney really is a bit of a facer for SMs, and the source of much pain. It's bizarre that most adults can see through the schmalz and know it's fantasy except for this one thing... stepmothers. Stepmothers are no more likely to harm their DSCs than the DSCs' own grandparents are - according to the statistics.

Probably not helpful. But my parents adore my step-children. And did see them independently when they were little for weekends etc. And still see them independently now they are adults.

Presumably that's unusual. And all families are different.

Poor little girl. It must be hard for her if she feels everything has changed. She's entitled to those feelings. I hope things get better for her.