My daughter's step mum

[BonnieBobbet]

I don't know where to start with this and may well be being unreasonable but it's really hard for me to see my child upset and I'm after some advice about this.

Basically me and ex-p share one 9 year old DD. He now has a child with his wife too, a 3 year old.

My daughter loves her brother but she's really struggling with how things have changed so much with her stepmum and her family since he came along.

She used to be very invested in my daughter's life, they spent time together going places, she'd help out in the school holidays and things, and yes admittedly she's helped me out on a few occasions too. I've always been very grateful and it was never expected but she's offered in the past and we get on well enough.

Since her son was born is like she never really has time for DD. Never takes her anywhere anymore, doesn't help out ex-p making some logistics difficult.

Her family were really good with her too and she enjoyed their company. They weren't grandparents to her but she really liked them. Now it's the same, she feels they are only interested in her brother, she doesn't really understand why he can go for sleepovers and SMs mum and dad's house but she can't for example.

She no longer bothers buying her things to give him on father's Day or his birthday saying she could buy him something herself with her pocket money. She could of course and she then does but it's just another example of how things have just abruptly stopped for her since SM had her real baby iyswim.

Ex-p has never taken our DD abroad saying they prefer UK holidays anyway and I've never been bothered by this obviously as UK holidays are still great and it's not my business. DD has made comments in the past but I've told her not to be ungrateful. I take her away abroad every year anyway. Except now SM is off what seems like every 6 months on holidays with her son, one of which was Disneyland just before the school hols. They can afford all of this but never prioritise a family holiday including DD.

She's a SAHM and according to DD has just stopped doing anything like helping tidy her room or change or sheets and things leaving them to either her or her dad when he remembers all the while ensuring her son's room is spotless every day.

I know he's her dad and it's his responsibility not hers. But the change is just so obvious and hurtful to DD. She says her brother is all SM cares about now and I don't know what to say or do.

Do I say something or stay out of it? Obviously it's technically none of my business what her family do or where she goes or what she does with or for her child but it's affecting DD and she prefers staying with me now.

I don’t think the SM is doing anything wrong.
You need to manage your daughters expectations.

Shes 8 she's more than old enough to understand. My ds never expected to go out for days out with his father's inlaws they were polite but they were grandparents and they had their granddaughter regularly.

@mynameisbrian But harsh. I can't see anything that suggests bitterness. It's just the unwritten boundaries have shifted.

I won't reply to that viscious comment because it'll get deleted in about 5 minutes. What's to actually suggest 50/50 isn't working other than the SM not doing dad's job for him?

I can't believe the vote on this.

MN can be a very odd place.

Aibu being the pinnacle.

Mumsnet is such a bizarre place. A few days ago a SM posted (similar situation) from her perspective and everyone sympathised and told her she should not be held responsible for her SC. On this thread, many posters are siding with the SC’s mother and basically picking apart her life style and where her money comes from.

She is her fathers responsibility, not her SM. Why are women willing to hold a SM responsible for the lack of the fathers parental responsibility.

@BonnieBobbet everything she was doing, really, was a bonus. These things are all down to your ex, the father, from logistics to tidying her room. Of course it’s distressing to your DD she’s only a child & I can imagine it’s a bit frightening for her that the relationship has changed. But if you’d ex is that lazy with your own DD, can you really imagine he’s any more helpful with her DS? I think try to be kind, she’s a first time mum, likely unsupported by her DH & thrown into the mix is the added responsibility of a little girl HE should be parenting & it really doesn’t sound like he is. Worse than that, her DP’s ex seems to be holding her accountable rather than looking at the problem, your DDs own dad.
I do have sympathy for your little girl though.
I do think though it is entirely reasonable for her to take her own DC on holiday, as you do for yours - you didn’t mention ex DP on holiday with his wife & DS, so I can’t see this in any way as excluding your daughter. Why on earth should she be responsible for taking your DC to another country alone? (Apologies if I’ve misread this & her DH has been with one child & not the other). But just because he doesn’t like holidays abroad doesn’t mean HER dc should miss out if she’s happy to take him herself.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave second wife clubman? I'm not a sm but I have a ds with ex who has a sm. I never expect her to parent him or have him. He has a father. If he was out he would all check it was OK with his partner in a emergency but she was never the default childcare and expectations werent there for her tidying his bedroom etc he does it himself which is what ops dd should be doing. I have a 9 year old she cleans her own bedroom as does my 6 year old. It's down to op to manage expectations and explain the fact her half sibling has a different family to her in the way she has. Why should the sm be having two children in the holidays when her dp the father is at work? When one isn't hers?

This is a hard one and I feel for your DD. It must be veyr upsetting.

the fact is that people will always favour their biological chhildren over stepchildren. This is a fact of human nature. There's a reason why having a step parent statistically significantly increases a child's risk of being abused. And why the evil stepmother is a trope of folktales.

Blended families are rarely as depicted on telly and I guess DD may as well learn it sooner than later.

The SM may think she's trying her best. But she's inevitably going to put her own kid first. Plus, parenting a three year old is a lot of work so thats where her attention will be focussed.

I would start with yourself and try to ensure that you are giving DD plenty of love and reassurance. Then tlak to your ex - he really ought to be doing something. And finally, maybe check that SM is OK? She may well be overwhlmed with the toddler, and it doesn't sound like your ex is a terribly effective parent or partner.

Good luck to you and DD.

The step mum sounds nice, but she has her own child now, and her child will take priority over your daughter. The family dynamics have changed; you can't make it what it was before she had a step-sibling.

May be the step mum doesn't even know that her actions are making your daughter feel left out even though she is doing everything in looking after her.

May be focus strengthening the relationship with your child more. She should want to do more fun things with you, then being upset about the step mum.

I make my DSC feel valued and wanted. But in my own way. I am more of a "aunt" figure. The moment my DH forgets I am not their mother and expects me to do things for them rather than asks me, is the moment resentment is going to fit in.

OP I completely get why this is hard for you, but from what you've written I think you can see that it's DD's expectations which need to change, rather than anybody actually doing anything wrong per se. She needs reassurance from you and her dad.

I'd speak to your ex and just say "Look DD is struggling with the change in dynamic at yours since X has been born, I think we both need to help her understand why some things are different for her now as it's making her upset and she's saying she doesn't want to come to yours".

Most of what you've said she's had issues with can be explained in terms she will understand at 9 and I think this is a better approach than speaking to ex to try and get him to push his wife to do more with DD (not that you have said this, but I imagine this is how he will hear it and try and action it!).

Don't assume your ex is funding the Disney holidays - that could very well be doting gps, her family money etc. SM may only be going to have the one child, may be returning to FT work soon, and be grabbing her motherhood experience with both hands.

Also, don't assume that you are hearing the whole story from your child. She's traumatized from the parental split and less robust when things don't go her way. We all have to fight focusing on the negatives and she is getting an early lesson here. Maybe SM is doing different good stuff with her now, but DD is more bothered by what she has lost?

And remember - your ex is your ex for very good reasons. He won't have had a personality upgrade when he got together with SM, and the honeymoon period is now well and truly over...

She’s not excluding the dd from family holidays. She’s taking her own child away. The dad doesn’t go so it’s not a family holiday. She’s entitled to take her own son away.

and no she shouldn’t have to pick her up from school and look after her. That’s her dads job and she’s in after school care. Either the mum or dad can pick her up if they are bothered.

From your OP the crux of it is that she is less available to your DD for thing like outings and ad hoc childcare.

Rather than thinking this is a problem with your DD, have you considered she may just be very busy with her new baby?

I would be kindly explaining to your DD that having a baby takes up lots of time. My DC were little when I had babies (well they still are) but I got them to repeatedly watch the episode of Daniel Tiger where the mum has a new baby and she explains how things will be different now that there's a baby around.

I would be having a similar conversation that's more age appropriate for a nine year old and certainly not encouraging the narrative that DD has fallen out of favour with her SM.

Really as well, it's her father who the pressure should be on to pick up this slack. It's nice DD has a good relationship with the SM but primarily she is there to see her other parent. It's odd that the focus is on this woman who sounds like she is doing absolutely nothing wrong and is doing her best for both children in her life.

Over on the step-parents forum, step mums that have had their own child regularly start posts about how they are struggling with their step children - it seems to be a thing.
You cannot change the behaviour of step mum. And she’s not responsible for after school care, bed changing, holiday planning etc etc. All that is the responsibility of the actual parents, so, if she has decided she is no longer doing it, that’s her choice.
I feel for your daughter who is confused and hurt. In your shoes I would keep reminding her who her parents are and ensure she knows to ask her dad when she needs something. Depending on your relationship with your ex, it might be worth a conversation with him to explain she needs some extra TLC.

Hardly a blended family is it if you marry someone and refuse to have anything to do with their children and the children are just expected to suck it up?

I don’t think that would be tolerated if it was the other way around and a woman married a man who essentially said “they’re your kids, you deal with them,” which is essentially what people are saying about stepmoms here.

Yeah the difference is though that 99% of stepdads are highly unlikely to have ever started doing anything that the SM was doing here, as it would never be expected.

Not only would they not have been doing the room tidying, the bed changing, the days out etc, but I would also bet they wouldn't be expected to do the lion's share of care for a new baby when one came along too.

Stepdad and stepmum are completely different roles - though they shouldn't be. If SM is still chatting to DD, still being kind etc then she is effectively being a stepdad now!

Very well said.

Half brother getting sleepovers with his grandparents mean more time for DD to have 1 to 1 with her dad. A good thing? She even gets time with just her dad and SM, lucky girl. Likewise extra alone time with her dad when her SM is away with her brother.

If she’s upset it’s your job to give her the positive perspective on what she’s getting instead of not getting.

Don’t get bent out of shape moaning about what you and DD aren’t getting from this woman, it’s a waste of your time and energy and really unhelpful. Try and focus on what you’ve both been getting from her FOR YEARS and no doubt still are. She’s not doing anything wrong.

Regardless of whether step-mum should or should not have been doing these things for op's DD, it is a very unkind way for her to treat a child, ie to suddenly lose interest in the child and stop participating in the child's life. It is really unkind.

And of course you always offer to take their son with you and DD on your yearly abroad holiday…
what? Oh you don’t offer to take him… because he’s not your child… but surely that means he’s missing out on a holiday that your DD is getting to enjoy which can’t be fair can it… oh you think that’s totally fair?

So just to confirm it’s fine for your DD to benefit from two sets of holidays but their DS can’t have any holidays unless your DD is involved?

… you see where this argument falls down don’t you? SC frequently end up with FAR more in terms of holidays, days out, gifts, parties…etc than biological children in the fathers new family home.

You take your own dd abroad on holidays yet you begrudge this lady doing the same with her own son. Would you take him aswell away with you? That's basically what your expecting her to do. Your ex isn't even with them. It could be paid from an inheritance, a birthday gift off a grandparent anything.

Your daughter gets two lots of birthdays two lots of Christmases with two families. Her son gets one lot. There's certain activities where by I took my youngest two to the zoo and made a small trip away whilst the eldest was away with his dad and vice versa its completely normal. She is in no way disadvantaged. Its down to you to explain that to her and at the age of 9 she can understand. The lack of grandparents involvement isn't really up to sm to solve. Its just pot luck.

Read the whole thread and I am surprised only @SpaceshiptoMars has raised it - this is your DD perspective on it, not necessarily the full truth on what is happening. That does not mean she is lying, but often at the age your DD is, as hormones begin to change they can have rather skewed views on what actually happened compared to what they percieve was said and done.

@BonnieBobbet you recognise that DD needs to be taking more responsibility and independence in your home with chores for instance. Is seems more than likely that she resents (probably unintentionally) SM for making her do these things when you don't and could well be playing you off against each other. Children are very astute and see the differences between households or parents and are very quick to try and play each other off against each other. Its normal behaviour, not naughty and is learning dynamics as they become adolescents.

I think the step forward is sitting down with DD, accepting her feelings as they are, but offering the other perspective to try and show the other views. This may make her think and process her feelings. Then once this is done, impartially outline to ex the issues raised and how you've addressed it to show you are balanced and can see both sides. Ex may be responsive or may not and use the information, but you DD will feel validated and listened to.

There has been a lot of projection and assumptions on this thread, alongside some typical attacks on SM and SAHM which detracts from what actually is a good issue to be discussing. As a SM myself (with my own 3 year old and DSC similar age to yours and similar set up) I feel there is a lot of double standards and it really is a minefield working out boundaries etc. Fairness is not the same as equality. Its about equity.

It is harsh if it's the actual case that the SM has completely cut off any relationship with her SD, but don't forget OP's DD was only 6 when the new baby was born.

So how much of it is a case of her SM genuinely completely cutting off from her vs a child's perception of what's going on?

It reads to me like SM is just busy now looking after a young child and just not able to do all that she was doing before.