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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to change the way I dress?(very exciting first world problem)...

85 replies

gaymeanshappy · 22/08/2022 23:50

Partner and me both in our 40s both female. This isn't a huge deal, I know she'd love me no matter what. But it gets mentioned.

I dress a little quirky. She dresses very 'on trend' (she's very masculine in her presentation anyway, so jeans and 'men's' shirts/T shirts etc).

She loves clothes, is the kind of person who buys new clothes every holiday, every night/day out etc, won't keep anything if It's not still 'new'.

I like clothes too, but I buy a lot second hand, and I have some in my wardrobe older than me, I'll wear things until they've worn out, and I don't mind keeping clothes that have faded, are past their best, with holes in to just to wear to walk the dog or for gardening or such.

Aside from this, my style is a bit quirky/bohemian ish. I like clothes that are a bit different. I'm a bit different (short of sounding like one of those 'oh I am so crayzee' people) and I think it reflects this, I think fashion is about fun and expression, not wearing whatever the latest trend says to.

I also wear my make up a bit different, I'll wear bright colours at appropriate events (I go to gigs and festivals and the like) and I wear false eyelashes.

I don't do this all the time, sometimes I am in scruffy clothes with no make up, I do sport so wear the usual running tights/shorts and sports tops. When I worked in an office I dressed very professionally, but for going out somewhere I like having a bit of my own style.

Partner buys me clothes as gifts (which is lovely of her) and I usually like them, some nice summer dresses and blouses and jeans etc (I very seldom wear jeans but I've worn the ones she's bought).

She hates that I don't throw old things away. Some of my 'going out' things she really dislikes and if we go out anywhere she'd rather I didn't wear-that's fine of course, but I just have the knowledge that if it were up to her, I'd wear minimal make up always and jeans and a shirt/t shirt 'normal' things. She tells me I look better without make up and that she wishes I'd just wear jeans and sportier/more casual clothes if we go to the pub/out to eat/out to see something.

I feel I'd be losing a little part of me if I changed-It's not just about clothes to me, It's just a little thing that's 'me'. If that makes any sense.

WIBU to not change?

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 22/08/2022 23:52

She is controlling
Talk to someone eg counsellor for a perspective
Consider splitting up she is not right for you

AlexandriasWindmill · 22/08/2022 23:55

Don't change. Clothes are part of the way you express yourself. I'm sad your DP would try to change that.
My style is a mix between you and your DP's. Quirky older pieces mixed with on-trend quirky pieces. DP is much more classic in his tastes but he's only ever been supportive of my choices.

cestlavielife · 22/08/2022 23:58

See number 9
www.netdoctor.co.uk/healthy-living/a26582123/coercive-control/

SameTimeNextWeek · 22/08/2022 23:59

This doesn't sound like a great match tbh. You seem like really different people. Obviously it's fine for her to have an opinion but this seems like more than that. Your style sounds great.

Notimeforaname · 23/08/2022 00:00

Tell her to stop trying to control you.
Ridiculous carry on.
It's never ever a good thing when a partner tries to control the other in any way.

She's trying to control how you look to the world. The first impression you give. That's terrible.

CactusBlossom · 23/08/2022 00:03

It's one thing for someone to say how nice you look in a particular outfit, or to say they like it, but to instruct you what to wear is not on. Buying things for you doesn't sound like a genuine gift, it's more like "wear this". There are some red flags flying here - control issues! Beware!

Original poster

gaymeanshappy · 23/08/2022 00:15

Thank you all, your replies have surprised me a little if I'm honest. I thought I may get a few telling me to grow up or I'm 40 odd, time to dress more demure or such, I'd braced myself. I do hear the poster about the 'first impression I give the world', that's how I think of it now it has been mentioned.

And I have thought about the fact that my clothes are 'me' and I cant be anyone else, it is quite sad really isn't it?she's not controlling in any other way, very laid back in fact. I've got other gay female friends, I've been to stay with one for a minibreak recently too, no problem.

She doesn't mind what I do in any other sense of things. Its just clothes. Thanks. Definitely food for thought.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 23/08/2022 00:18

Your partner needs a different partner, and so do you.

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 23/08/2022 00:21

Wear whatever you want.
As to your partner...just smile sweetly as you shut the door on her.

bridgetreilly · 23/08/2022 00:25

Your clothes, your choice.

Though on occasion it’s nice to wear something that you know your partner really likes you in, but it sounds like you already do that.

NoSquirrels · 23/08/2022 00:28

How long have you been together?

Not liking particular outfits - meh. I don’t like some stuff my DH wears, or my teens. I have asked my DH not to wear something before - I’m really the least controlling person ever though! So I don’t think that’s terrifically out of the norm.

She tells me I look better without make up
this is fine, if it’s expressed positively e.g. my DH prefers minimal make up, I’m not offended by this, it’s a preference and he’s never negative about makeup if I’m wearing it.

and that she wishes I'd just wear jeans and sportier/more casual clothes if we go to the pub/out to eat/out to see something.
This IS unreasonable though.

Itstrueiagree · 23/08/2022 00:36

Don't give up your quirky dress sense! Let her know she's has to accept your style as you are the way that you accept her style.

milkyaqua · 23/08/2022 00:44

She's the one who should change, buying seasonally, and wearing boring clothes! And throwing out/wasting clothing that isn't "new" is reprehensible in my view. There is no time in a woman's life when she needs to start dressing like a straight dull person - unless it's for work, I suppose. There is certainly no reason in your 40s or indeed 80s to being to dress more "demurely".

Madwife123 · 23/08/2022 00:50

She probably doesn’t realise that you feel like you in your clothes. Maybe suggest to her some clothes that she wouldn’t like and wouldn’t feel like her in so she sees your point.

milkyaqua · 23/08/2022 00:53

*begin

Appleblum · 23/08/2022 01:24

No absolutely don't change! You sound like you really have your own sense of style. That's wonderful!

FunnyBeaux · 23/08/2022 01:25

Welcome to MN where everything is controlling or abusive. The truth of the matter is that people rightly or wrongly (probably rightly) usually feel that their partner reflects on them. Which is why they want their partner to behave in a way that they feel is appropriate.

If you love her and get enough value out of the relationship, perhaps it's worth sometimes compromising. She's not telling you to completely change your entire identity and personality, just to sometimes dress somewhat more conservative.

People modify their dress and behaviour for work, is it so bad to occasionally do that for love?

Phrenologistsfinger · 23/08/2022 01:30

Your dress sense sounds great! Hers sounds a bit dull and superficial, not to mention unsustainable buying/chucking new clothes regularly - this kind of behaviour needs to change and fast - fashion is a huge carbon source and consumer of water. I’d say she needs to adopt your approach to clothing actually, buying second hand and wearing things for a long time.

yellowsmileyface · 23/08/2022 05:58

People modify their dress and behaviour for work, is it so bad to occasionally do that for love?

Yes. You should feel comfortable and able to be 100% yourself with a partner. If you're having to modify any aspect of your personality or behaviour, they're not the one.

OP your dress sense sounds awesome!

I can relate to this a lot. An ex of mine didn't like how I dressed (funny how it didn't bother him when we met...). I love bright colours and funky prints, he wanted me to dress very minimalist and neutral. I remember posting about it to reddit (wasn't on MN at the time) and got similar responses telling me we either needed to compromise or we were inherently incompatible.

It didn't feel like something I could compromise on without sacrificing my sense of identity. It also felt silly to break up over something as trivial as dress sense. However over time it really chipped away at my confidence to be with someone who I knew didn't like how I dress.

How you dress is obviously an important aspect of your identity and self expression, and you deserve to be with someone who appreciates it.

ChloeKellyIsAnIcon · 23/08/2022 06:04

From an environmental perspective your way is much better too.

onlythreenow · 23/08/2022 06:06

No, don't change the way you dress for anyone! I can't stand people who think they can control what another person wears. You sound like you have a real sense of style OP, stay with it and carry on enjoying being you.

ChaToilLeam · 23/08/2022 06:07

I’d be telling her NO, I like my style and have no wish to change it. Have you told her that bluntly? Her reaction might be telling.

Similar to you, I don’t like dressing conservatively, I like second hand and vintage, and spending all my time in jeans and T shirts would make me miserable. It’s not up for negotiation.

TabithaTittlemouse · 23/08/2022 06:13

She must have been attracted to you as you are when you met?
she sounds really controlling.

Nekomata · 23/08/2022 06:14

I don't know. I used to work with a woman who had a very boho style and it just really didn't suit her. She looked terrible most of the time. She was really nice and I would never have said anything to her, but maybe the OP just genuinely doesn't suit the clothes she's wearing. Sometimes, we have to dress to our frame and our coloring. I feel we need Tan France to take a look!

lightcurtains · 23/08/2022 06:19

You have your own style, as does she and I don't think changing that now would make you happy, especially as you feel you'd lose a part of you. That's what dress is about isn't it, it is an expression of who you are, and not everyone does that.

My partner (also female) sometimes makes fun of some of the things I wear and will say "tell me you're not going to wear that". If anything it makes me want to wear it even more! (I'm stubborn sometimes).

Have you spoken to her about how you feel?
I wonder if you described it in the way you've told us, she would hear what you're saying and the impact it could have on you changing a part of who you are.

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