To not want to change the way I dress?(very exciting first world problem)...

[gaymeanshappy]

Partner and me both in our 40s both female. This isn't a huge deal, I know she'd love me no matter what. But it gets mentioned.

I dress a little quirky. She dresses very 'on trend' (she's very masculine in her presentation anyway, so jeans and 'men's' shirts/T shirts etc).

She loves clothes, is the kind of person who buys new clothes every holiday, every night/day out etc, won't keep anything if It's not still 'new'.

I like clothes too, but I buy a lot second hand, and I have some in my wardrobe older than me, I'll wear things until they've worn out, and I don't mind keeping clothes that have faded, are past their best, with holes in to just to wear to walk the dog or for gardening or such.

Aside from this, my style is a bit quirky/bohemian ish. I like clothes that are a bit different. I'm a bit different (short of sounding like one of those 'oh I am so crayzee' people) and I think it reflects this, I think fashion is about fun and expression, not wearing whatever the latest trend says to.

I also wear my make up a bit different, I'll wear bright colours at appropriate events (I go to gigs and festivals and the like) and I wear false eyelashes.

I don't do this all the time, sometimes I am in scruffy clothes with no make up, I do sport so wear the usual running tights/shorts and sports tops. When I worked in an office I dressed very professionally, but for going out somewhere I like having a bit of my own style.

Partner buys me clothes as gifts (which is lovely of her) and I usually like them, some nice summer dresses and blouses and jeans etc (I very seldom wear jeans but I've worn the ones she's bought).

She hates that I don't throw old things away. Some of my 'going out' things she really dislikes and if we go out anywhere she'd rather I didn't wear-that's fine of course, but I just have the knowledge that if it were up to her, I'd wear minimal make up always and jeans and a shirt/t shirt 'normal' things. She tells me I look better without make up and that she wishes I'd just wear jeans and sportier/more casual clothes if we go to the pub/out to eat/out to see something.

I feel I'd be losing a little part of me if I changed-It's not just about clothes to me, It's just a little thing that's 'me'. If that makes any sense.

WIBU to not change?

YANBU, I bet you look amazing.

Have I missed the point of having a partner somewhere along the line? Isn’t a partner someone you’ve chosen to be with above everyone else; someone who makes your life better by their presence in it?

Because once you start telling someone how to dress and behave, it doesn’t feel like a partnership anymore. It feels like someone has decided they want a partner, ANY partner - and if they can’t get the one they want, they’ll take who they can get and try to mould them into the partner they actually wanted.

Some people talk about being single as if it’s the worst thing that could happen to a person - yet you look at some relationships and wonder why people bother, because they’re clearly more invested in not being single than they are in the actual person.

And of course sometimes people dress differently for work. Work is an essential - so if wearing an ugly uniform or dressing ‘office smart’ is what’s required to get a certain job, most of us do it (although the continuing growth of casual dress environments suggests it’s not a welcome thing for many). But work is something we HAVE to do. A relationship is something you should want. Any job might be better than no job, but it sounds pretty depressing to think of a relationship in those terms.

If we’re making the work comparison, when you get home from work, you can take your uniform off when you get home and wear what feels comfortable. It sounds pretty miserable to have to wear a uniform for your partner too.

It looks sloppy and unkempt 🤷🏻‍♀️ I suppose it depends on the hole and where it is. You can have fashionable holes in cool vintage tshirts or jeans or wtv.

I had this pair of jeans that completely ruined a lot of my tops 😭 I walked around with little holes on my belly for a while. And family would point it out and it looked messy and I was just struggling to let go because I liked those tops! And no, they couldn't be darned, not on the belly, not those fabrics.

Just a perspective that may or may not be in any way relevant. I hate certain clothes because of a phobia I have. I would never wear them, and when other people wear them I don’t want them to touch me as the clothes make me want to bleach myself. I can’t look at people wearing these clothes. This is entirely my issue and I would not ever tell someone else they can’t wear a certain thing, but when my husband wears those things I do not want him near me. I can’t help it it’s a visceral reaction.

as I say might be totally irrelevant but just food for thought.

Because once you start telling someone how to dress and behave, it doesn’t feel like a partnership anymore. It feels like someone has decided they want a partner, ANY partner - and if they can’t get the one they want, they’ll take who they can get and try to mould them into the partner they actually wanted.

This. A partner is not like a house you can do up until you have it the way you want it.

I also think you could try telling her you’d rather she wore dresses like you and wear lots of make up so you could both look similar to gauge her reaction.

Most of the time my dh can’t be bothered to buy his own clothes. I buy them for him but I choose the brand / style he likes in colours, which suit him.

“Sloppy and unkempt” 😄honestly I think that’s silly. My clothes aren’t dirty. I dress smartly/professionally where that’s appropriate. But if I’m doing something casual I don’t think small holes are a problem, wouldn’t care if I noticed them on somebody else, and don’t really care what others think, I’d much rather not be wasteful and just wear stuff until it’s genuinely worn out.

Holes IS worn out! 🤔 if they can't be fixed properly then the clothes aren't looking like they're supposed to, the fabric is damaged.

Ok, what is "worn out" for you?

Btw, I have clothes in my closet that I bought over 20 years ago, I have clothes that were my mum's when she was young or even my grandmother's 🤷🏻‍♀️ old clothes are perfectly fine if the fabric is still good. I have a dress that ripped a little on the back the other day and it was sewn back on and looks fine.

I get the hole thing. I've got a black cardi with slight glitter going through that I love for a chilly night out. It's got a small hole in the back, because I wear black you can't really see it. I'm loathe to part with it because no-one is selling anything similar and being 5'2" well fitting clothes aren't easy to replace.
OP it depends on your style, I think that we all start to change once we hit 40. I still wear similar stuff to my DD'S but it's a different version. It's a shame that you can't put a picture up. Tina Carter on EastEnders was starting to just look stupid.

“Worn out” is holes/rips big enough to be visible from a distance or to mean that the clothing isn’t as warm as it should be I suppose - at that point the fabric is only useful to be cut up and turned into something else

Your attitude to clothes is wasteful.

I bought a lovely scarf from the market but I have noticed it has a small hole in it. I can take the scarf back to the market as I know the lady will replace it. But she would have to throw it away and lose money.

I know (due to the pattern on the scarf and the way I wear it) that the hole won’t be noticeable, so I will happily wear the scarf.

There is nothing wrong with wearing holey clothes if it makes you happy.

Yep controlling. And if anyone on here on in real life said you are in your 40s so dress differently, fuck them. I hate this "you are a certain age so you must lose some of your personality/style"
God I love seeing people with their own style when out and about, doesn't matter if its my personal taste or not.

What would she say if you asked her to change her style because you don't like it and you wish she was a bit more 'different' rather than copying everyone else?

She's controlling you OP. Don't change your style, it is who you are and it doesn't matter how old you are. My DM sounds like you, she's mid 60's, still wears what she wants and it's part of her and I love her for it.

Have you not seen the latest fashion? Everything's got holes in it!

Change the girlfriend, not the style.

Speak to her and tell her you feel her comments are controlling. It may be a shock to her, but hopefully she will see how bad this is and how much she is trying to change your personality

I dress like a kids' TV presenter cos it makes me happy. You do you!

Thank you all, it is really interesting actually to read different perspectives.

She knows I'd be being disingenuous if I told her her start wearing make up/dresses etc, otherwise that would be a great idea! Perhaps I should start telling her I don't like her style though (I don't think I could, it seems so wrong to me, which is a bit of a giveaway)!
I've got some of my grandmothers dresses too. @Ponoka7 that is totally the kind of thing I'd do!

I don't tend to wear things with holes in to go out, but I would in that case.

@GoldenGorilla that is exactly how I think too. It's not a financial thing for me either, I mean I'm not wealthy by any stretch but I do have a lot more than my partner (earn more and had more assets), I could buy new if I wanted to and prioritised it, but I don't. I hate waste and 'throwaway society' elements of which fashion is such a huge part of.

I'm typing this in a rush but I'll come back to the thread later and answer other comments

My husband scrubs up ok when we go out socially- for a meal or family stuff.
The rest of the time he's Shadrack out of Emmerdale as he's working on his various projects..holey trousers and clean but marked and sometimes torn tops..in the middle of all this he might pop out to get stuff he needs and might offer to go to the garden centre for a coffee ..I look at him and despair but usually go. I feel conscious that he looks like a tramp though. He has no perception of how he looks at all and doesn't care. He thinks he looks fine.

Ask her how she'd feel if you started asking her to dress more like you!

If you've always dressed like this since you got together and vice-versa I wonder why she's making an issue about it now? You need to find out if she's unhappy with other aspects of your relationship and when/why your clothes started bothering her. Unless she's extremely shallow (possible) it's maybe not really about the clothes & makeup.

Perhaps I should start telling her I don't like her style though (I don't think I could, it seems so wrong to me, which is a bit of a giveaway)!

That's the point - it is wrong and she shouldn't be doing it to you.

Interesting OP, you say upthread that its "just clothes" she is concerned about. "Just clothes" is a telling expression because it seems to indicate you are trying to minimalize the control, that as many posters have pointed out, is happening here. It's not "just clothes" though is it? How you dress is your personal image to the world, your creative self expression, who you are. If this is compromised (away from work, obviously) who you really are, your authenticity, is affected. The more you compromise, the more your real self is diminished. You sound a real sweetie, OP & not at all confronting, but I would tell your partner this area is non-negotiable, you like how you look & you are not prepared to change - & see how it goes from there. My guess is she will keep on about this as she seems to want her partner to present a certain image to the world. And you may end up having a rethink about whether the relationship is right for you.

Looking at your follow-up posts, it doesn't seem as if your partner is controlling in any other way, so unless you see signs there or it appears that she is trying to break down your self-esteem or make you insecure about the way you look, it does just seem that she simply doesn't like the way you dress much.

Which is fair enough; I mean, we all have different taste. But if she's really nagging you about it and it bothers you, then YANBU to tell her to back off.

I personally would like my DP to wear some different things sometimes, purely because I think he'd look great in certain things that he doesn't have the confidence to wear and it makes me a bit sad sometimes that he's hiding himself away with clothes that don't really suit him. But I wouldn't say 'Why do you dress like that? Why can't you wear the things I like? You look terrible in that.'

If we go shopping I might say 'You'd look really nice in that shirt' or 'Why don't you try that jumper on in this colour as well, I think it will really suit you' or 'If you're trying those jeans on, it might be worth trying these ones on as well, just to compare' to encourage him a little bit. But I wouldn't nag him about it, and if he says 'I'm not trying that on, I wouldn't wear it' I certainly don't push it. Your partner shouldn't be nagging you about it either if you're happy with the way you dress and feel your clothes are an expression of you and who you are.

Whatever you do, don't listen to twats such as this ^ Mutton dressed as lamb is a completely mysogynistic term used by old men who use the phrase 'dolly birds'. Think 70s working men's club.

Wear what you want, when you want and if she doesn't like it, tell her to shut the door on her way out.