To not want to change the way I dress?(very exciting first world problem)...

[gaymeanshappy]

Partner and me both in our 40s both female. This isn't a huge deal, I know she'd love me no matter what. But it gets mentioned.

I dress a little quirky. She dresses very 'on trend' (she's very masculine in her presentation anyway, so jeans and 'men's' shirts/T shirts etc).

She loves clothes, is the kind of person who buys new clothes every holiday, every night/day out etc, won't keep anything if It's not still 'new'.

I like clothes too, but I buy a lot second hand, and I have some in my wardrobe older than me, I'll wear things until they've worn out, and I don't mind keeping clothes that have faded, are past their best, with holes in to just to wear to walk the dog or for gardening or such.

Aside from this, my style is a bit quirky/bohemian ish. I like clothes that are a bit different. I'm a bit different (short of sounding like one of those 'oh I am so crayzee' people) and I think it reflects this, I think fashion is about fun and expression, not wearing whatever the latest trend says to.

I also wear my make up a bit different, I'll wear bright colours at appropriate events (I go to gigs and festivals and the like) and I wear false eyelashes.

I don't do this all the time, sometimes I am in scruffy clothes with no make up, I do sport so wear the usual running tights/shorts and sports tops. When I worked in an office I dressed very professionally, but for going out somewhere I like having a bit of my own style.

Partner buys me clothes as gifts (which is lovely of her) and I usually like them, some nice summer dresses and blouses and jeans etc (I very seldom wear jeans but I've worn the ones she's bought).

She hates that I don't throw old things away. Some of my 'going out' things she really dislikes and if we go out anywhere she'd rather I didn't wear-that's fine of course, but I just have the knowledge that if it were up to her, I'd wear minimal make up always and jeans and a shirt/t shirt 'normal' things. She tells me I look better without make up and that she wishes I'd just wear jeans and sportier/more casual clothes if we go to the pub/out to eat/out to see something.

I feel I'd be losing a little part of me if I changed-It's not just about clothes to me, It's just a little thing that's 'me'. If that makes any sense.

WIBU to not change?

I mean we’re all ‘a bit different’ aren’t we? Regardless of what we wear. I’ll be honest I’m not a fan of ‘quirky’ dress. I usually find people wear certain clothes, irregular choice shoes being an example, and think it makes them, as you’ve said ‘a bit different’ from everyone else. When really they’re the exact same as anyone else, just in a pair of awful shoes. And I certainly wouldn’t wear holey clothes - I’d mend them. But I also wouldn’t date somebody who dressed ‘quirky’ then try to change them. Either she likes you as you are or doesn’t. And if she doesn’t throw her back and find someone who likes you for you.

maybe there are controlling tendencies?
TBH i think she should look at her environmenal footprint and stop buying so many clothes.

I’m a bit on the shelf about this. I don’t think it’s wrong to tell your partner if they are wearing clothes you really like or don’t like. My DP used to wear this godawful massive orange t-shirt at least 3 sizes too big for him that I called his mumu. I don’t think I was being particularly controlling when I suggested he put on a shirt instead of his mumu when we were going out for a posh meal with friends.

If we’re out shopping we’ll offer each other feedback when trying on clothes - ‘that dress looks better on you than that dress’/‘those jeans don’t do you justice’ sort of thing, or if I spot a lovely shirt or a jumper in a colour that I know he’ll wear I might buy it for him. I think lots of couples are like that and I don’t think that’s a big deal in itself. I actually like getting a bit of support when I’m trying to find something to wear and a quick, ‘Put on the blue top. You look lovely in it’ is helpful to me even if I choose not to wear it in the end.

The problem here really, is that you don’t like it, and you have told your partner you don’t like it, and they are ignoring your requests to drop it. You might need a proper conversation to let them know that you don’t need their fashion advice and that you’re happy with your own style.

Sounds like my sister. She has always been desperate to blend in and be fashionable so that no-one will critise her.
It is totally a low self-esteem issue.

She really struggles that my mum and I don't give a toss what other people think and dress how we please. She can be embarrassed just being with us even though she is now in her late 30's. (I understood when she was a teen). My mum dresses very conventionally, I would say.

The idea of standing out, being noticed for being different or unconventional just scares her.

Maybe your DP is similar.

Honestly OP, it's controlling. I dress a bit 'out there'. I have a pokemon handbag.

My DH doesn't always like what I wear. He will raise an eyebrow at some of my outfit choices or make a comment. But he has never, ever told me not to wear something.

@cestlavielife I have read that now, interesting. I mean I do like to (as a pp has said) ask what I should wear uot of X and Y if we're going out somewhere, I appreciate the input and I want to look nice for her, as she does for me, but I know she basically dislikes my whole usual style, which is different altogether.
@sametimenextweek do you mean in terms of our attitude toward waste etc? I've thought that at times. She's like this with food (I freeze, batch cook, use leftovers whereas she'll make/buy things and chuck them if she decides not to eat them.

I don't like it @milkyaqua qua but I don't see it as my business.I have managed to get her in a few charity shops but she's bought clothes for our nieces and other children in our lives rather than for herself. It's a start though, she'd never been in one before!

@Madwife123 last night I said something like this to her. I said that my clothes are a part of me, I express myself with them, dressing the way she'd prefer would make me feel like I was trying to be somebody else. She didn't say much to that really, just smiled!

@Phrenologistsfinger nger I agree. She says It's as she grew up without much and had a lot of cheap clothes or second hand things so as soon as she had her own money she vowed to always hvae nice, new clothes :(

@yellowsmileyface thank you :)
I love bright colours and prints too. I don't dislike other clothes and I appreciate that everyone should be able to wear what they want, I'd never try to get someone to change what they choose to wear unless It's by helping their confidence. I am glad you got away from that ex!

@ChaToilLeam I think it would make me miserable too. I've dressed that way before just to sort of see what it was like (she approved) but I felt odd, uncomfortable.

You've also reminded me that she isn't the first partner of mine to have an issue with my dress sense.

@TabithaTittlemouse ouse it wasn't mentioned for at least the first year.

@Nekomata ta I'd love to have my colours done actually! I follow 'style me happy' on fb and have been trying to get a slot for ages but not managed yet. Maybe I do look terrible, but I don't feel it. Nobody else seems to have an issue and I get a lot of compliments on appearance, although I'd dress the way I am comfortable without those.

@lightcurtains rtains I am somewhat stubborn too but I also don't like the thought of her not being attracted to me.

I have spoken to her but this thread has helped me word it more coherently. As to how my dress sense is a part of me, not a very important part, but a part that I am happy with. I didn't get much more than a grunt in return, mind.

@gaymeanshappy I understand her reasoning, I grew up in dire poverty too. But to me the sustainability reasons are more important.

Best of luck with it, don’t give up on being who you are :)

I'd tend to repair them whilst still small otherwise they get bigger😁

Ay-MEN. I've bought three pairs of fun printed dungarees in the last year and I adore them. I'm over 60 and sod dressing my age...

@SilverOnToast it definitely could be! She's rather shy and reserved and I am not. I am introverted in the sense I am a bit of a loner, but I am sociable. She is quite body conscious and clothes make her feel good, she'd not dream of 'looking a scruff' as she puts it.

Definitely she's from a different culture in the sense that her whole family/friendship group are like this, despite us
both being from the same culture more broadly speaking. They're very 'throwaway', being on trend, having designer things matters. My family are all bargain hunters-we're a lot better off too! They're all quite the spendthrifts. And second hand is just unheard of. One of her family members gave me piles and piles of clothes recently, many of them not even worn, as they were no longer in season or such.

@Pegasushaswings yes she is :( she's very conscious of what people think.

@GirlOfTudor udor I definitely do! She thinks It's bizarre that I don't throw leftover food away too.

@RedHelenB I will never use that phrase. Baddie Winkle is my style icon .

I quite possibly could be what some people would call 'Mutton Dressed as Lamb' (I actually find that phrase so ugly, even without its meaning)!

And.. What @AlisonDonut said :)

@MangyInseam nseam yes that's quite possibly the case. She isn't one to talk in depth about things. I think she just finds me odd at times.

That's a good point @neverbeenskiing
I used to@category12 be much more extreme when I were younger. I've shown her some old photos, she was horrified. tempted to dig out the old psychodelic skintights

@Sunshineboo thank you for the long post. I am so used to 'me' that I don't expect that I stand out, and the sort of places I would go when I do dress more 'wildly' I definitely do not! She doesn't like my loud prints or bright colours, or that I sometimes wear things a bit 'rock' (lace, leather etc). My friends are either very similar or are used to me so I never thought of it as anything at all until the subject was broached with her.

And you are right,loads of women do that for male partners.
Thinking about it, most
of the things she's bought me have been very classic in style, loose, flowy...
@grey12 12 point taken-I find jeans really uncomfortable though!

@brianixon xon yes I've always been this way. Maybe she didn't realise straight away that it bothered her? I don't know.
It might be that @mountainsunsets . I just like my clothes to be a bit different, I've tried the jeans and T shirt thing, I just didn't feel right. I don't
imagine It's much different for the next person, if one's always in jeans and t shirts and then suddenly started having to wear a dress and heels, for example. Or always had a preference for comfortable, casual clothes and were then required to wear a lot of make up and a suit..

@Luredbyapomegranate omegranete (I love that username, where's it from?!) I do intend to broach it again. I have told her how I find it almost arrogant how wasteful she is, but I cannot really explain why if I am honest.

@RaRaRaspoutine ne thank you :)

@WomanStanleyWoman2 woman2 that's very well put. Thank you. It IS like wearing a uniform for a partner isn't it?

@been and done it. it oh god! I like the sound of your husband and his 'This is me if you don't like it....' attitude. I can just imagine

@morwenna2 thank you. I am sort of swaying between the 'It's just clothes, they're not so important really, to 'actually this is me, you've always known this, I am the same person whatever clothes I have on, why don't you like that part of me?' sort of thing.

@10hailmarys I hear you on that. I mean, sometimes
my partner can be like that. Worried she doesn't look good in things, quite body conscious. I just try to help boost her confidence in various ways but I'd never dictate what she wore. To be fair, she always looks fantastic-she has good fashion sense, I will give her that.

@Kanaloa I don' think my clothes
make me different. I have always been a bit unconventional in various ways, but I also love clothes and wear things I love. I do love irregular choice shoes though. I don't own any, from what people's testimonials are they scuff easily for the price.