To not want to change the way I dress?(very exciting first world problem)...

[gaymeanshappy]

Partner and me both in our 40s both female. This isn't a huge deal, I know she'd love me no matter what. But it gets mentioned.

I dress a little quirky. She dresses very 'on trend' (she's very masculine in her presentation anyway, so jeans and 'men's' shirts/T shirts etc).

She loves clothes, is the kind of person who buys new clothes every holiday, every night/day out etc, won't keep anything if It's not still 'new'.

I like clothes too, but I buy a lot second hand, and I have some in my wardrobe older than me, I'll wear things until they've worn out, and I don't mind keeping clothes that have faded, are past their best, with holes in to just to wear to walk the dog or for gardening or such.

Aside from this, my style is a bit quirky/bohemian ish. I like clothes that are a bit different. I'm a bit different (short of sounding like one of those 'oh I am so crayzee' people) and I think it reflects this, I think fashion is about fun and expression, not wearing whatever the latest trend says to.

I also wear my make up a bit different, I'll wear bright colours at appropriate events (I go to gigs and festivals and the like) and I wear false eyelashes.

I don't do this all the time, sometimes I am in scruffy clothes with no make up, I do sport so wear the usual running tights/shorts and sports tops. When I worked in an office I dressed very professionally, but for going out somewhere I like having a bit of my own style.

Partner buys me clothes as gifts (which is lovely of her) and I usually like them, some nice summer dresses and blouses and jeans etc (I very seldom wear jeans but I've worn the ones she's bought).

She hates that I don't throw old things away. Some of my 'going out' things she really dislikes and if we go out anywhere she'd rather I didn't wear-that's fine of course, but I just have the knowledge that if it were up to her, I'd wear minimal make up always and jeans and a shirt/t shirt 'normal' things. She tells me I look better without make up and that she wishes I'd just wear jeans and sportier/more casual clothes if we go to the pub/out to eat/out to see something.

I feel I'd be losing a little part of me if I changed-It's not just about clothes to me, It's just a little thing that's 'me'. If that makes any sense.

WIBU to not change?

We’re also gay (40s) and very similar in that my DW wears trendy branded items and I’m more offbeat and colourful. Though she loves me for who I am, I naturally “stand out” in what I wear, which I think makes her feel a bit ‘seen’ by association rather than blending in and I think this aspect scares her a bit as she’s naturally introverted. Could this be the case?

I also love charity shops and dressing up as you can find such bargains whereas my DW had a different upbringing where second hand was not as culturally acceptable. I guess I’m wondering if it is controlling, or rather a need for acceptance or to fit in after feeling “other” at some point in her life? Either way, not your problem if you’re finding it all suffocating.

I hate to say it but it sounds like she is embarrassed about the way you dress? Is she the sort of person who cares what people might think?

either way you can’t make someone change their style against their will and you are much more environmentally friendly than she is which is something everyone should be thinking about and making changes in their buying habits.

Your clothes are an expression of who you are. Don't change that!
It sounds like your partner is trying to morph you into her.
I love that you buy second hand, don't throw away unless needed. I bet you save a lot of money and a lot of waste compared to your partner!

To cut to the chase, are you mutton dressed as lamb? But at the end of the day of course it's your decision. I wouldn't say your partner is controlling to express an opinion if that's the only area of concern either.

I guess one possibility OP is that your sense of what is appropriate is off. My husband suffers from this, and while usually I say nothing, on occasion I do when I think he is really making a faux pas.

But I suspect that is not what is going on. It sounds to me like your partner is strongly motivated to fit in, and do what is socially seen as "normal" and mainstream, and the fact that you are more unusual and artistic makes her feel uncomfortable. She may not really have thought about it much and so doesn't recognize that is what is going on, but that is my guess.

It might be worth having a bit of a chat about it. And the idea that it is a good idea to throw out perfectly good clothes, it's so wasteful!

She…is the kind of person who buys new clothes…won't keep anything if It's not still 'new'.

That’s insane. Her way of doing things sounds terrible. And I agree with pp, she sounds controlling.

Personally OP, I prefer your style of dress. I don’t see why your dress sense her business, you’re not trying to get her to dress quirky

Ask your Partner this; if she had a straight female friend whose male partner was always telling her how to dress, what would she think of him? Because most reasonable people would think he was a dick.

Have you said to her "hey, you seem like you don't really like my style? Could you back off from trying to change my look, tho, as I enjoy playing with my appearance that way, and you did know how I dressed before we got together. "

My husband has opinions on what I wear but he is quiet about them and only offers them when I ask. He has opinions about my hair too (he likes it a bit longer).

I generally ignore him and he expects me to. He gives good feedback on outfits BUT only if I ask. He really likes me in jeans and a nice top kind of outfits for example.

To me this is fine. He has an opinion which he shares when asked but doesn't expect me to embrace if I don't want to. I like that he has a view and a preference and I do consider that on occasion as I like to look nice for him sometimes. If he told me what to wear or suggested I change my style because he wanted me to, I'd tell him to get to fuck.

Importantly he does the same for me. That beard is never coming back.....

Tell her you would like her to wear dresses more and a bit of make up.

how many women buy clothes for their male partner/tell them not to wear the scruffy band t shirt & socks and sandals to the pub with them/ throw away items of their clothes that they hate?

if my real life friends are anything to go by, loads do. I wonder how many people have talked about this being controlling in the OP situation do that to their other half's.

at the end of the day OP, this is upsetting you and you need to tell her this. you shouldn't give up being yourself for anyone. if you are the type to wear incredibly outlandish clothes that garner a lot of attention, and she is embarrassed by that and you are not, then she is embarrassed by you. and that is not a good place to be with a partner - don't let this erode your self confidence away.

perhaps start telling her you would prefer it if she made more of an effort - wore makeup/a dress and see how she feels? see if this changes her? however - you may find it's time to walk away unfortunately.

good luck with this OP - this is tricky territory x

Don't give up on your lovely quirky dress style 😉

But you CAN stop wearing clothes with holes 🤷🏻‍♀️ i say this because I did the same. Just stop. Just do a Marie Kondo, say thank you and throw away. You are worthy of better. You can even wear the jeans and tshirts to walk the dog 😅

nothing wrong with clothes with small holes in. Loads of mine have small holes or visible darning repairs. That’s not financial (we are wealthy), it’s environmental, everybody should be wearing old darned clothes. We could make no new clothes at all for a few hundred years and still clothe the whole planet adequately. Fast fashion is insane.

Sunshine I wouldn't dream of buying clothes for my DH ... in fact in our 33+ years of marriage I think I bought him one shirt which he hated.

OP are you very "out there and look at me" in your dress sense, that would put me off but if you've always dressed like that then surely your DP knows your sense of style?

I have zero interest in fashion and dress in whatever fits me in the charity shops, I would be offended if my DH commented on what I wore ... and I couldn't care less what he wears. But the continual buying of new clothes would offend me, such a waste of money and I hate supporting the fashion industry (I used to work in it).

She loves clothes, is the kind of person who buys new clothes every holiday, every night/day out etc, won't keep anything if It's not still 'new'.

This is not something to aspire to IMO.

Darning is ok 🤷🏻‍♀️ holes are not

I’m curious - why are small holes “not ok”? Big holes that reveal lots of flesh I can see could be an issue. But loads Of my clothes have small holes, I don’t see a problem with it.

I think your dress sense sounds fab. And your partner is wrong to try to get you to change what is essentially a big part of you. Is she insecure? Maybe she thinks you attract attention dressing the way you do. Which you may do, but she should trust you.

She sounds ridiculously controlling but to mention wasteful. Constantly buying new jeans and t shirts? Why? They all pretty much look the same. Why bother?

Two separate comments:
If you have always been like this, style wise surely that was part of you that she was attracted to? So it is she that has changed, Why what brought it on?

As an observer after lockdowns It has been nice to see women out and about confidently wearing colours and nice fabrics that move and flow with the wearers movements.

I used to work with a woman who had a very boho style and it just really didn't suit her. She looked terrible most of the time.

In YOUR opinion. Presumably she was happy with her look - and who knows what she thought about your fashion style.

What would her response be if you asked her to dress your way? I doubt she would like it.

You should dress how you like but equally I don't think she's being controlling either.

She's allowed to have preferences about what you look good in, just as I'm sure you think she looks better in certain styles than in others.

She's not forcing you to change outfits or refusing to be seen in public with you unless you get changed. The way I read it, she's just saying it's fine not to dress up to go to the pub and that's jeans and a t-shirt look just as a good as a more complex/colourful outfit.

Imagine your partner was a man for a minute, would you call that controlling behaviour? Yes you would because it is.

Clamp down on it hard. Clothes are an expression of who we are. You are not an extension of your partner and you do not need to dress like her. She might prefer no make up, but you don’t.

Sit her down and tell her all this. Explain that you have very different styles, and that’s an expression of who you are as people. You don’t want any more of the endless criticism. You also might point out, gently, that endlessly buying new clothes is really bad for the environment.

Obviously, you want to be considerate to your partner, so perhaps recycle the stuff that is really worn out if it bothers her.

This needs to be nipped in the bud.