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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husbands inheritance

335 replies

lisaloves · 22/08/2022 22:17

DH has inherited 15k from an Aunt who sadly passed.

We are very happily married with 2 DCs. Comfortable financially but certainly not loaded. Huge mortgage and things we need to do to the house etc.

DH wants to put the entire amount in to Bitcoin. He's reluctantly agreed to just put half in to Bitcoin and the other half in to our joint ISA.

AIBU to think this is selfish?

For reference I am the bread winner by a country mile and we share all of our income. I never question this so it now feels unfair that his money is 'his' money - when for a long time I've earned much more and it's all been shared money.

I don't know much about Bitcoin but from what I've read it's very risky business.

OP posts:
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5
rookiemere · 23/08/2022 07:51

DH invested a lump sum - with my reluctant approval- into Bitcoin a couple of years ago. However it took it out when it had doubled as was worried about it tanking, which it subsequently did.

We're due a worldwide economic recession, it's not the time for risky investments, I'd be upset about this as it's basically throwing the money away.

He could sign up to buy a new Porsche instead. DH did this and ended up selling it within a month for £13k more than he paid for it.

Fluffycloudland77 · 23/08/2022 07:52

Surely it’s more pertinent for op to ask to see this joint isa as you can’t get a joint isa.

It would a jsa if you could.

Herejustforthisone · 23/08/2022 07:52

He’s totally missed the boat on bitcoin.

What an idiot. A selfish one.

chillipenguin · 23/08/2022 07:53

Fluffycloudland77 · 23/08/2022 07:52

Surely it’s more pertinent for op to ask to see this joint isa as you can’t get a joint isa.

It would a jsa if you could.

Yeah I'm thinking he's squirrelled away stuff OP doesn't know a out in his name.

redskyatnight · 23/08/2022 07:56

Take away the fact that this is BitCoin. If he was, say, a cyclist and wanted to spend half the money on cycling stuff, would you still think it was a waste?

(I'm trying to wonder if it's BitCoin itself you object to, or him spending it on something that he wants to do).

Endlesslypatient82 · 23/08/2022 07:56

We are very happily married

doubt it

Soontobe60 · 23/08/2022 07:56

Thisbastardcomputer · 22/08/2022 23:06

Auntie probably struggled for years to leave an inheritance, nephew wants to flush it down the pan by investing in bitcoin

Not necessarily - Auntie may never have worked, lived with her parents, got left their house which shot through the roof in value then died owning a £1m property she hadn’t paid a penny into!

Phineyj · 23/08/2022 07:57

I can see both sides here - in that no I wouldn't invest in Bitcoin if my name was on a big mortgage, with interest rates going up - but that I have become more selfish over how I invest money (I also inherited some). When I was on mat leave I realised DH had no desire to pool our finances and given that that's been inconvenient at best, stressul at worst for me at times, I started to question having unthinkingly used the inheritance to pay off the mortgage and treat him to something he wanted.

Basically I realised he wouldn't have done the same for me, so I've made future decisions accordingly.

I think the personality of the aunt is a little relevant. When I inherited from my grandad, I did give a little thought to how he would have wanted me to use the money.

Summergirl5 · 23/08/2022 07:57

Selfish man
your supporting him ,sharing your money ,to makeup for his lack of earning
and he is not putting the whole lot in to the home

I’d be rethinking my marriage
this tells u who he is ,what his priorities are
and they are not his family and u

scintilla87 · 23/08/2022 07:58

As someone who is also the breadwinner and whose DH invested in BitCoin then lost the lot, please do not allow him to do that!!!!

It’s a Ponzi scheme. The crypto market has also taken a turn for the worse so he’s more likely to lose money than gain anything. Most crypto investments are hot air and not based on any solid business, it’s not the same as investing in stocks / shares which provide capital for real businesses.

CaptainMerica · 23/08/2022 07:58

I don't think he is being selfish - he doesn't want to blow it on a cycling holiday or a motorbike. He wants to save it, presumably for the benefit of the full family. He realises that you won't want to risk the full amount, and so is suggesting splitting it 50/50 between very high risk and very low risk savings.

That seems like a perfect compromise position to me! Just because OP is the higher earner, it doesn't mean they get to make every financial decision. Sharing money doesn't mean handing it over for the higher earner to control.

Obviously, there is a lot of arguments against bitcoin. But I think this should be a financial discussion about different investment options, not framed as an argument about whether he gets a say on how to invest the money.

Phineyj · 23/08/2022 07:59

@Summergirl5 put it better than my waffle.

"When someone shows you who they are: believe them."

Zilla1 · 23/08/2022 08:01

Perhaps ask him to show a graph of bitcoin prices then show why he would have known to sell before the last reduction of 1/2 - 2/3 this Summer? In investment terms, the price of Bitcoin now looks linked to the price of other investments some which at least have the benefits of having an underlying link to substantive businesses.

Good luck.

rookiemere · 23/08/2022 08:02

Sorry I misread the amount. £7k isn't going to buy much of a Porsche Blush.
I think it's the vanity of it that would really wind me up. Anyone with half a brain knows now is not the time for get rich quick schemes and Bitcoin is over. I think I'd prefer it if he bought cycling gear or whatever as at least he'd get some enjoyment from those and they would retain some value for resale.

He could use it for solar panels - that would help with the winter bills and increase the value of the property.

DilemmaDelilah · 23/08/2022 08:03

We have had a couple of inheritances over the past ten years, from my mum and DH's mum. While we both kind of agreed they were personal inheritance they were both large enough to be too much to keep to ourselves, if you know what I mean. Mine was spent on paying off our mortgage, his went on a new kitchen. We both had a nice sum left over, I believe around the same amount. I haven't asked what he has done with his, he hasn't asked what I have done with mine (it's in a savings account). So between us we both spent most of our individual inheritances on our shared home.

MrsOwainGlyndŵr · 23/08/2022 08:06

Bitcoin has lost a lot of its value recently. The only way is back up or further down.
Talk him out of it.

perimenofertility · 23/08/2022 08:07

How utterly selfish of him! You've shared finances all this time and then he decides the inheritance is his to choose what to do with. If my DH did this it would completely change how I felt about him.

goldfinchonthelawn · 23/08/2022 08:07

A friend of my adult DS put his inheritance into Bitcoin a few years ago. After years of stress as it soars and plummets he now has pretty much what he started with. There are loads of very hard sell tactics that promise the earth for a few quid, but he needs to talk to real investors, not ones he accesses through the money for nothing chatrooms. Does he know anyone who has invested?

It's very hard to get money out. As soon as you try to sell, it seems to plummet, so basically you are paper rich but have no access to your theoretical funds.

I wouldn't touch it, but I'm very risk averse.

Why not suggest he puts a grand in to see how it does and puts the rest in an ISA which he could easily move into the bitcoin fund if it does well?

Isthisit22 · 23/08/2022 08:12

Discovereads · 22/08/2022 22:55

I think YABU because inheritance isn’t earned.

I think inheritance belongs 100% to whoever inherited it and their wife/husband has no say over it, nor should they accuse them of “being selfish” if they don’t want to spend it the way the husband/wife thinks they should.

It doesn’t matter that you’re the breadwinner and have contributed more, you earn more so of course your contribution is higher. He’s not in debt bondage to you because he earns less than you.

That said, I think Bitcoin is risky, but it is at a low currently and many are hoping for a repeat of the 2018 to 2021 rise. But as you say, you can afford for him to lose all the cash if it goes the other way. So, I’d just let him as it’s his inheritance and £15k isn’t very much anyway. It’s not a life changing sum that would make or break your pensioner years. If he’d bought a motorcycle, he’d spend just as much..so I say keep your beak out.

What??
She earns the money so she must share it but he inherits it so can blast it on what he wants.
Total bollocks

BuildersTeaMaker · 23/08/2022 08:13

I had the same issue. My ex had mental health problems that meant he didn’t work at all for the last 13 years of our marriage. Not even a paper round ! I worked stupid hours and was, due to his issues, effectively single parent and sole carer for him as well as that job. I earnt good money and had been main bread winner by far for a further 7 years on top of that

He inherited after his parents died. He decided to keep their flat and rent out - but invested a stack of money in refurb to do that, that took 5 years to then turn a profit . When he switched the deeds he did so into his sole name. And always referred to it as “my” house. The cash he inherited went into accounts in his sole name.

we used a chunk of cash to pay off last of mortgage and he always said “I paid off mortgage”.

now there was some logic to him holding cash in his name, as he was a non tax payer,, so it really would have made no sense to move some to my name and me pay 40% tax on interest etc.

however, when he spoke about it, it was always “my house” , “my savings”. We never saved any of my income as it all went on paying the bills, mortgage, 2 kids etc- that was always referred to as “our income”.

most of the time I’d brush it off- we were married and legally it was all “ours”. And when we did divorce that’s how it was treated.

But it was the attitude - the miserlinesses and grabby attitude …the lack of recognition that whilst he paid a good slug of mortgage capital off with the inheritance , I’d been paying all the interest and even more capital on that mortgage solely for years and years (e.g, 27) He had no appreciation of where my earnings and “my” money had gone vs what he had contributed and then sat on, counting ”his” beans

it wasn’t the reason I divorced him though. Just one of his less attractive traits, 🤣🙄. I think it was his way of trying to gain some control and self esteem- it never sat comfortably with him that I earnt all the money despite that not being a choice of my making or wanting, and him not being able to hold down any job .

Op, there could be an element of that going on. That his self esteem is impacted by you earning more, and this is his way of trying to be more in control of your financial picture. Not saying it’s ok..but might help you approach the situation.

Might also want to point it that if you divorce that inheritance most certainly is a joint marriageable asset, and therefore it’s a joint decision where it goes.

Isthisit22 · 23/08/2022 08:15

He has shown you how he truly feels about what's his now. Act accordingly by starting to keep a percentage of your wages for yourself.
Awful to find out how he would put himself first rather than the family.

Batfastard22 · 23/08/2022 08:16

Interesting responses. My thoughts are without knowing income specifics, what if he didn't have OP subsidising him and received this money? Would he be wanting to do something so risky or would he be more sensible?

It seems like he feels he can do this because your joint income is high enough anyway - and that's because of you.

Yes, it's his money. But there's something that feels incredibly selfish about what he's choosing to do. OP pays most of the bills, he gets his fun money. We don't know what they both do for a living. Perhaps he is a low earner but works incredibly hard, but perhaps he is cruising along comfortably on OPs income. There's a lot of factors to consider but ultimately I do think he's being selfish.

Discovereads · 23/08/2022 08:22

Isthisit22 · 23/08/2022 08:12

What??
She earns the money so she must share it but he inherits it so can blast it on what he wants.
Total bollocks

He earns money too that he also shares. They both share their earned money.
Inherited money isn’t earned and isn’t a matrimonial asset. It doesn’t have to be a share everything or share nothing choice.

BuildersTeaMaker · 23/08/2022 08:24

MayThe4th · 23/08/2022 07:48

A lot of double standards on this thread.

There are often threads on here by women who are SAHP who have had an inheritance, and whose dh’s feel that is family money. And almost always they are told that although some might choose to put it into the family pot, it is their inheritance to do with as they please.

The desire to invest in bitcoin is an entirely separate discussion, but inheritance is not family money and isn’t a marital asset.

As to PP saying that most marriages are just friends with benefits, how incredibly offensive. While some people do get married for their own protection, especially if they have DC, most people do actually marry for love and not just for money. In fact I think society does still have a pretty strong view on people who only marry for money.

This so simply not true under English law, if you get an inheritance after you are married it most certainly is seen by divorce courts at joint marriageable asset. Only in some specific circumstances would cost “ring fence” it. Usually if inheritance was before a short marriage, or shortly after a short marriage. Or where it’s tied into trust etc. In the majority of cases it only is “kept” when the 10 or so criteria about “fair” settlement have been satisfied and there is money to spare.
it’s like people who spout that 50:50 split is default- it’s not. The 10 or so criteria are used. It may well be 50:50 will get to that “fair” outcome but it may not be, and the “fair” settlement criteria will alway take precedent.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL · 23/08/2022 08:24

You don't have a joint isa!

It's an individual account, so not sure whose name it's in, you should check?