A lesson learned or AIBU

[powerofalexa]

Suggested that my child and four friends meet up to do an activity before return to school recently.
They are early teens and we are all quite rural so they didn't see one another over the holidays.
All mothers agreeable. I sent the link to them with details of activity and said I'd drive. It was an hour away.
All children turned up.
Had a wonderful morning. Each of them
Ravenous afterwards so I suggested drive through for fast food as we were time
poor.
And here's my AIBU ... not ONE of them had any money for lunch or the activity itself.
Perhaps I should have been more explicit or direct but I'm absolutely shocked especially at three of mothers( other mother is a multi millionaire and is notoriously tight with money)
So more fool me or AIBU to be fuming and shocked?
Did I really need to ask for the money directly and explicitly?

FWIW my child is the youngest of four and down through the years there has never been anything but everyone paying their way when any of the children went or were brought on an activity.
Two thank yous by text, that's been it!
I wouldnt expect anything from multi m mother.she has form for rudeness and lack of manners. Her son is following her footsteps.. ordering the biggest and most expensive meal and sulking when refused a dessert.
My son and he are great friends however so had to keep quiet but today is the very last time he will be invited to anything .

Whole day cost me £30 per child.

I'd be really angry about that. I would send a message saying hope you don't mind me saying this but my offer was to drive the kids not to pay for everything! It wasn't to celebrate a birthday or anything like that. Today cost me £30 per person and I just can't do that I'm afraid. Then say absolutely nothing. Don't modify what you said.

Unless I am expecting to pay, I find a way to include the goats up front.
Bit embarrassing until you get to know people, and know how things work.

They should have done, but if you already knew one of them was a tightwad / you can’t afford to pay, it would have been smarter to specify.

There is no way I wouldn't have sent money for my child... if you sent a link then surely normal response is to ask- do we need to book? Shall I transfer you money if you're happy to sort booking for them all?
Or something similar.
My friends and I are not super well off though so perhaps that's the difference... just embarrassing to not offer to pay your or your child's way!

It’s a lesson learned. Chalk it off to a miscommunication and don’t do it again. It’s very expensive being a kind mum !

Absolutely agree with this. Message them all and ask they transfer money over. They are all total CFs imo

Yeah it reads like an invite. Saying that I would give mine £20 to offer toward it if they are invited somewhere

I think your wording re the activity was perfectly clear - you offered to drive, there was nothing there about you paying. First thing I’d have done was asked you whether you wanted me to send DS with cash or whether you were thinking of booking it as one single booking and then I would reimburse you. I would also have sent money for food and drink - this is just standard practice.

It appears that some people still need this all spelled out to them.

I feel bad for you OP as I don’t think your message was implying you were paying. I think it sounds like you were making a suggestion.
I find this sort of thing pretty awkward and send a link so that the person can pay for the ticket online. Which sounds like what you suggested.

Seeing as it ended up being a pretty expensive day out for you I would actually send a message like one of the ones other posters have suggested. I’d ask for the money in such a way as it sounds like they forgot to pay/provide money so you paid for their child to help them out so they wouldn’t miss out on the activity.

OP I feel for you here. You've done a nice thing and people are saying that you invited the kids. You didn't, you facilitated the meeting. I think I would do as a previous poster said and send each parent an individual message saying 'hey, (child's name) seemed to have forgotten to bring cash today to pay for their activity and lunch. I subbed them for the cost but can you transfer it to me as soon as possible please. Details are x. Thank you'
Will make each parent think only their child turned up without cash.

In my kids social circles we are similar to some others described above - if a parent organises something, they also pay for all Eg. I had a sleepover in July for DS1, I took the kids to the local funfair and gave them each spends for rides. One mum has now reciprocated and is taking DS1 to chessington with her son, I will give him £10 for spends on the day but wouldn't have considered offering to pay the park ticket.

The kids are at a prep school with wildly different levels of parental wealth/resources so I think this is the most fair. Means that wealthy parents can easily invite everyone without putting those with less spare cash in an awkward position. And those with less spare cash often host sleepovers which are free (and often the kids enjoy them more anyway!!)

Primary school children - I would think you were offering to pay.

Early teens I would expect to have an allowance and have their bank cards with them, and it not to involve parents paying for anything. But you have muddied the waters by making this a parent organised thing and not a child organised thing. I can't imagine organising something like this for early teens unless it was a party/specific event (in which case I would pay for it).

Tricky! Yes, you should have been more explicit up front. It’s a bit odd none of them even offered to pay - I’d have expected the WhatsApp replies to have included someone asking for your bank details, tbh. And if no one asks at that point, you need to offer them yourself.

I would expect parents to give the kids money for lunch & pay the entrance fee too. Different if it was a birthday party, but for a random day out to do something nice together I’d be expecting to pay my DC’s costs. £30 per child - so you spent £90 on the 3 DC you invited - that’s not a small amount.

Im surprised that none of the parents had the sense to consider the cost nor the social awareness of giving their teenager money to pay.

The problem is it's odd at this age to have parents organising things. I don't ever give my teens money for social events - they have allowances and I assume they have budgeted for what is required. So I'd assume the message was simply a courtesy and costs would have been worked out amongst the teens. Did OP make it clear to her teen that she wasn't paying for everything?

What you can do at this early teens stage is get your own child to message their mates (instead of you messaging the parents) - ‘My mum says she’ll drive us to X on X date, who can come? It’ll cost £X plus lunch at McD’s’
Then the other teens are responsible for tapping their parents for cash if they need to, and it’s very clear you’re just the taxi driver.

Oh I agree! See my x-post. I always make my teens do the organising amongst themselves. But given that OP initiated it all then in that scenario (if I’d got that message) I’d have replied with an offer to pay.

The alternative scenario is that the teens’ parents thought they would pay from their allowances and the teens themselves pulled a fast one!

Going against the grain - if I'd received that text I wouldn't have assumed you were paying AND even if I did I still would have sent DC with enough money to pay for the activity, just in case. I'd rather send them with more than risk them being embarrassed by being the only one without money.

However the fact that ALL of the other kids didn't bring money suggested the other mums interpreted the text the same way.

The fact you knew they didn't have enough money for the activity but then still decided to get them food, knowing you'd have to pay, is completely on you though. Tough luck if they were "ravenous", they weren't going to starve from an hour's wait to eat.

I also agree that it would be fine to send a message now asking for the money - although tbh as you never mentioned the food in your original text I might be a bit annoyed that I then had to pay up for that as well....

Just send a group message and be honest...
My son had a lovely day out with his friends the other day. I'm sorry, as this is a little awkward and I think my original message my have been misunderstood. The day out and lunch cost a total of £x per child. I would love nothing more to pay the total cost but it is more than I can afford right now. Is there any chance of getting a contribution per child? Of course if it's difficult for you to reimburse I totally understand. I may not have made myself clear at the start. Hope you all enjoy the last few weeks of the holidays!

Also I would never dream of not paying or offering to pay!! I can't believe the cheek of some people... but judging by some of the responses it's not unusual....

Answers seem very divided but as a take away, I will be more explicit the next time!
As an aside , I have two mid teen boys who eat at least every two hours . In fairness they are over six feet and growing but constant hunger is not unusual in my experience.

Do your child's friends ever invite your child out and pay for events.

@OiFrogg No

Out of interest what were the replies worded like to your original message. Was it not an activity that needed booking?

Can't you just send a message saying "good fun today, I think the kids all really enjoyed it! Total bill was £xxx so £xx each, bank details below. See you soon"

It surely doesn't have to be more complicated than that? Treat it as if it's just a misunderstanding.