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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A lesson learned or AIBU

145 replies

powerofalexa · 22/08/2022 17:23

Suggested that my child and four friends meet up to do an activity before return to school recently.
They are early teens and we are all quite rural so they didn't see one another over the holidays.
All mothers agreeable. I sent the link to them with details of activity and said I'd drive. It was an hour away.
All children turned up.
Had a wonderful morning. Each of them
Ravenous afterwards so I suggested drive through for fast food as we were time
poor.
And here's my AIBU ... not ONE of them had any money for lunch or the activity itself.
Perhaps I should have been more explicit or direct but I'm absolutely shocked especially at three of mothers( other mother is a multi millionaire and is notoriously tight with money)
So more fool me or AIBU to be fuming and shocked?
Did I really need to ask for the money directly and explicitly?

FWIW my child is the youngest of four and down through the years there has never been anything but everyone paying their way when any of the children went or were brought on an activity.
Two thank yous by text, that's been it!
I wouldnt expect anything from multi m mother.she has form for rudeness and lack of manners. Her son is following her footsteps.. ordering the biggest and most expensive meal and sulking when refused a dessert.
My son and he are great friends however so had to keep quiet but today is the very last time he will be invited to anything .

Whole day cost me £30 per child.

OP posts:
Riapia · 22/08/2022 18:08

OP this is AIBU any views expressed on here are not necessarily those of the people posting them.

Pixiedust1234 · 22/08/2022 18:08

TeapotTitties · 22/08/2022 18:01

It's only 5 hours!

Show quote history

Teenage boys are stomachs on hollow legs. Surprised they made it two hours without knawing on the car seats 😂

OP - the way you worded it i can see how the other parents thought you were paying. I always used to send my child with cash but it seems that's not the norm anymore.

MagneticRubberDucks · 22/08/2022 18:11

I am so sick of this type of behaviour.
i would never dream of sending my DCs without money.

i have in the past sent a similar message to this:
“Hi mum, the boys all had a great time but Johnny forgot to bring his money with him, don’t worry it wasn’t an issue as I had enough cash on me to cover him so he didn’t have to miss out,
the activity was £20 and his lunch was £10.
if you could transfer the money this evening that would be great.
My bank details are XX YY”

i would send the same message to every mother.

OiFrogg · 22/08/2022 18:11

I thought your message was totally clear and I'm baffled so many think otherwise. I'd absolutely have expected to pay for my own child.

TeapotTitties · 22/08/2022 18:12

Pixiedust1234 · 22/08/2022 18:08

Teenage boys are stomachs on hollow legs. Surprised they made it two hours without knawing on the car seats 😂

OP - the way you worded it i can see how the other parents thought you were paying. I always used to send my child with cash but it seems that's not the norm anymore.

Show quote history

I have 3 boys, I know they're nearly always hungry.

But equally the OP knew none of the boys had any money and still she chose to take them for lunch. That's on her - not their parents.

But they should definitely have paid for the activity.

SultanOfSwing · 22/08/2022 18:13

I agree with what seems to be the majority, at least so far: YABU. That looks like an invitation to me, and therefore I would have assumed you were planning to pay for the activity and, given the timing, lunch too (though I might have offered to pay in case I misunderstood, but I would have expected a refusal), If it is the sort of activity with a gift shop I would have sent my child with a little bit of money for that.

Lesson learnt, I think. Be clearer next time. (But with luck each of the parents will now be obligated to invite your DC on a lovely outing soon - and be very grateful to you, so all is not lost.

Reebokclassics · 22/08/2022 18:13

You probably should have made it clearer re: everyone paying their way but you could still now send a message along the lines of ‘Hi All, hope the children all had a fab time x day. None of the children seemed to have any spending money with them, so i offered to lend the money for x activity and lunchtime meal. This came to x for each child, my bank details are..’

TooHotToTangoToo · 22/08/2022 18:14

Of course they should have offered to pay. If I was one of the mums I'd have asked, something along the lines of 'let me know how much I owe you and I'll transfer the money across' if you then chose to say you'd pay, then great. But I'd never presume.

Reebokclassics · 22/08/2022 18:15

Can i also just say my mother would never have sent me on a day out witht another parent or family without any money, she wouldnt have just expected them to foot the bill unless explicitly said. And she probs still would have sent me with some pocket money even so, just in case!

Coachwork · 22/08/2022 18:15

If I invite I pay. Even if they bring money I'd refuse. I took three teens to the cinema and Macdonald's recently and often buy them all a takeaway. It does work both ways though, their parents paying if the take DD out. She would always have her card on her if she wanted to buy something herself but I'd be shocked if they didn't pay for food.

mamabear715 · 22/08/2022 18:16

I've had it the other way round - WE will take your child out with ours etc & then asked for money when they returned.. I've always thought if we took the kids' friends out, we paid for them!

Cantbebotheredwithausername · 22/08/2022 18:17

Honestly, I'd assume I had to pay for my own child, and plan accordingly.

In your position I wouldn't hesitate to message the other kids' parents informing them of the cost of tickets and food and ask them to send you the money. I'd assume they didn't mean for you to pay, but just forgot to plan ahead for the payment and left that part of the planning up to you.

sendwineandastraw · 22/08/2022 18:19

I have 3 DD’s and have found it quite interesting over the years the different views and politics that parents have regarding to money with shared activities, parties, play dates that might involve food etc.

If I invite one of DD’s friends to the cinema or day out I would pay for them there would be no discussion, my rule is my invite (or DD’s) my treat. Parties are exactly the same friends wouldn’t need to pay for a thing even if was several meals out activities throughout the day.

If my teen DD’s were to arrange to go to the cinema/Starbucks/lunch with her friend they would both pay for theirselves.

If we had one of DD’s friends over and we decided to go out for dinner or one of us was late home and we opted for a Friday night takeaway friend would always be included in this plan, no questions asked

However…

I now said DC everywhere with money as I know not everyone feels the same, we have had many occasions where I would never considered asking a friend for money that DC have been asked to pay…

The last being a trip to agriculture show that DC had been asked if she’d like to go to with her friends family, I had sent a mum a message to say thank you, so kind etc and she had messaged back to say no probs but just to let toy know it’s £3 entry!!

FawnFrenchieMum · 22/08/2022 18:21

I agree with the others, that if a parent invites them I assume they are organising and paying. If the teens organise it themselves then each kid is paying their own way.

Change123today · 22/08/2022 18:21

It’s a difficult one - I would have sent my daughter with money to cover activity and food. But more often than not it is returned - I would never assume! Strange they didn’t check if they unsure.

This is changing as she is getting older - recently all met at cinema but no parents went (they 12/13) they all paid for themselves.

StridTheKiller · 22/08/2022 18:23

YABU. Use your words. Before the event.

MayThe4th · 22/08/2022 18:23

Sorry my but if you invite a child out and then demand money from their parent after the event that is bloody rude.

If you expect the child to pay for the activity then you make that clear at the point you send out the invite, so that the parents can decide whether or not to send their children. If you don’t stipulate, then the inference is on you to pay.

Berthatydfil · 22/08/2022 18:24

powerofalexa · 22/08/2022 17:43

So to be clear the text read ...

It would be lovely for the boys to meet after the summer holiday.. would anyone be interested in them Going to x activity to catch up ? I'll
Drive.

I think it doesn’t sound as if you are offering to pay for the whole thing myself all you are offering is to facilitate the meet up by doing the transporting.
However maybe next time (if there is a next time)
”it would be lovely for the boys to meet up and do (activity). I can drive them, so if they are interested in coming along can you PayPal /bank transfer/ etc me the £x for the entry before xday I will book the tickets. As it’s over lunch time depending on time they finish up I can pop into x for food on the way home so can you either send me £x to cover lunch or make sure they have the cash on them unless you would prefer to send them with a packed lunch and a drink and we can stop off for a picnic. Let me know and when you send the money I can confirm the arrangements for picking up.

Gandalfsthong · 22/08/2022 18:25

This recently happened to a friend, she messaged the parents individually and said DC turned up with no money and I subbed them, please transfer me X back. I wouldn’t have assumed you were paying, who would want to do that!!

Mumspair1 · 22/08/2022 18:26

You were not very clear about the arrangements so I don't think you can ask for any money now. When you sent the link you should have made it very clear that everyone buys their own tickets . Why didn't you do that?? Your wording was very confusing and sounded like you are hosting them all. So after you knew they turned up with no tickets, then more fool you for then taking them all to lunch.

Mumspair1 · 22/08/2022 18:28

powerofalexa · 22/08/2022 17:56

The parents were aware that their children would not have food from ten am to three pm.

Yes but given the way you phrased your whole arrangement, it came across that you would probably be feeding them too. Don't you think it's odd that all of them, came to the same conclusion? It's you, not them.

FinallyHere · 22/08/2022 18:30

Did I really need to ask for the money directly and explicitly?

As it turned out, the answer is yes.

Sorry.

MummaB22 · 22/08/2022 18:30

I would suggest in future whoever arranges the next activity to discuss prices and food beforehand to make sure it's clear. That's what our group do.

Whoever pays asks there and then to send the cash!

I would send a message and just say apologies for the confusion however this was the price and ask if they can send you the money.

I think it's pretty cheeky and presumptuous of them to assume you're paying!

Don't be a doormat OP. Get your £ xxx

sayanythingelse · 22/08/2022 18:30

I would have definitely sent my DC with money. I wouldn't assume that it was paid for unless it was a birthday party or the organising parent said the activity/lunch was on them.

I've been stung for this before though when much younger BIL and his gf were teens. They both had part time jobs but if we invited them out somewhere, they assumed DH and I were paying for it as we were the adults. After a couple of times of driving, paying for the activity and food, we made a point of telling them to bring money.

WonderingWanda · 22/08/2022 18:31

Unfortunately I think you have to be very explicit / bossy with instructions to other people whether they are parents of friends otherwise they will take liberties. So something like 'I will pick them up at x time, they will need trainers, a water bottle, x £'s to pay for activity and some lunch money'.

For an expensive activity I would always ask what I owed you so if the parents haven't they are clearly hoping you have paid. If you are sure the can afford it you could send a 'I hope they all enjoyed today, here are my bank details, it was xx amount, many thanks!