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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A lesson learned or AIBU

145 replies

powerofalexa · 22/08/2022 17:23

Suggested that my child and four friends meet up to do an activity before return to school recently.
They are early teens and we are all quite rural so they didn't see one another over the holidays.
All mothers agreeable. I sent the link to them with details of activity and said I'd drive. It was an hour away.
All children turned up.
Had a wonderful morning. Each of them
Ravenous afterwards so I suggested drive through for fast food as we were time
poor.
And here's my AIBU ... not ONE of them had any money for lunch or the activity itself.
Perhaps I should have been more explicit or direct but I'm absolutely shocked especially at three of mothers( other mother is a multi millionaire and is notoriously tight with money)
So more fool me or AIBU to be fuming and shocked?
Did I really need to ask for the money directly and explicitly?

FWIW my child is the youngest of four and down through the years there has never been anything but everyone paying their way when any of the children went or were brought on an activity.
Two thank yous by text, that's been it!
I wouldnt expect anything from multi m mother.she has form for rudeness and lack of manners. Her son is following her footsteps.. ordering the biggest and most expensive meal and sulking when refused a dessert.
My son and he are great friends however so had to keep quiet but today is the very last time he will be invited to anything .

Whole day cost me £30 per child.

OP posts:
GiantCheeseMonster · 22/08/2022 17:47

I think it’s the way you said “would anybody be interested in them doing x” - it does imply you’re organising it and therefore paying. In future you need to be more specific. “DS wants to do this activity which is £30. I am happy to take them and bring them back if yours wants to come? If so let me know and I’ll book tickets and send my details for bank transfer”

SparklyLeprechaun · 22/08/2022 17:49

I think they should have paid for the activity (and you can remind the parents with the wording a PP suggested), but the meal was your idea and you already knew by that point they had no money, so that's on you.

TeapotTitties · 22/08/2022 17:50

powerofalexa · 22/08/2022 17:34

The activity was just before lunchtime. It would have been obvious that they would be very hungry as rule, at this time especially after an activity.

Why did you think they'd have money for lunch if they didn't have money for the activity and why didn't you drive them home for their lunch?

I can't help but think you've been a bit of a martyr here.

I mean the activity was one thing but lunch was clearly on you.

powerofalexa · 22/08/2022 17:51

They were ravenous.
It meant they wouldn't have eaten from ten am to three pm if I hadn't got them
Food.

OP posts:
Choconut · 22/08/2022 17:51

Yes I would have expected you to say how much it was per person in the original email if you wanted them to pay. Also the parents wouldn't have known you were going to decide to take them for food after so why would they give them money for that?

alwaysfactor50 · 22/08/2022 17:52

We always pay for this sort of thing. It's just not expected in our group for someone to foot the bill unless it's a birthday thing.

Next time make sure you state how much and how they can pay!!

I would be tempted to send a text to ask for the money though as you're out of pocket by a lot

MuddyBoo · 22/08/2022 17:54

If I'd sent my kid I would have sent them with money for the activity and for lunch (if I knew it was going to go over lunch time). Only time I'd not expect to pay would be a birthday party.

powerofalexa · 22/08/2022 17:56

The parents were aware that their children would not have food from ten am to three pm.

OP posts:
mumda · 22/08/2022 17:57

The other parents should have asked / made sure their kids had money.
You know for next time.

SparrowsNest · 22/08/2022 17:57

Unfortunately I too have learned the hard way to be explicit about the cost and also to ask for money upfront if I am booking. So many takers out there, who on earth would assume another parent would just cough up £30 for their child to do an activity unless it was for a birthday/special occasion and I do not think a pre return to school outing falls into that category!

doilookremotelyinterested · 22/08/2022 17:59

MuddyBoo · 22/08/2022 17:54

If I'd sent my kid I would have sent them with money for the activity and for lunch (if I knew it was going to go over lunch time). Only time I'd not expect to pay would be a birthday party.

This. Even if you think the adult might well be expecting to pay you'd still send money and tell the child to offer it. And as there was no mention by OP of lunch then surely you'd automatically send money for that or snacks etc.

Christonabike37 · 22/08/2022 18:00

That's definitely an offer to pay imo.

TeapotTitties · 22/08/2022 18:00

powerofalexa · 22/08/2022 17:51

They were ravenous.
It meant they wouldn't have eaten from ten am to three pm if I hadn't got them
Food.

So what? They were never going to die on the journey home!

A packet of crisps each would've stopped them turning into cannibals in the back seat.

TeapotTitties · 22/08/2022 18:01

powerofalexa · 22/08/2022 17:56

The parents were aware that their children would not have food from ten am to three pm.

It's only 5 hours!

SillyLittleBiscuit · 22/08/2022 18:01

Can you not email all and say sorry if my original suggestion wasn’t clear but today has cost me £30 pp. any chance you could reimburse me for your

ihatebojo · 22/08/2022 18:02

Your message should have been clearer. A link to activity would just provide information.
I tend to ask what the children need, and always send a little pocket money, but unless clearly stated (which isn't the case here) I would have assumed that was an invitation.
And when I invite, I always cover costs (Inc food).

I think this is a lesson learnt for you.

Thatiswild · 22/08/2022 18:03

I would always expect to pay for my child to do any activity and send them with money for lunch. I think I’d send a message after saying Glad the boys got to catch up - so the activity was £25 and they each had lunch so let’s call it £30 total, as I’m not going to work out who had what. Here are my bank details, thanks.

There is no way we could afford to pay £150 for any of our kids to do an activity never mind the cost of petrol etc and you spending the whole day taking them.

Mortonpup · 22/08/2022 18:04

@powerofalexa I totally think you've been had here. £30 for me per head would be an expensive birthday day out. Not a taxi driver cost and I think poor form especially if parents know there are 4 going.
As for lunch and ordering most expensive things I'd have been cross too. I think you'll have to suck it up now unless you're braver than I am and can say you got lunches in because they were hungry but ask for money. I'd be too chicken though as I hate confrontation

ihatebojo · 22/08/2022 18:04

SillyLittleBiscuit · 22/08/2022 18:01

Can you not email all and say sorry if my original suggestion wasn’t clear but today has cost me £30 pp. any chance you could reimburse me for your

I think this is so rude. It's not their fault the message wasn't clear. The fact that ALL of them interpreted the message to be an invitation strongly suggests that they aren't the ones who should bear responsibility in this instance.

WimpoleHat · 22/08/2022 18:04

powerofalexa · 22/08/2022 17:43

So to be clear the text read ...

It would be lovely for the boys to meet after the summer holiday.. would anyone be interested in them Going to x activity to catch up ? I'll
Drive.

I’m on the fence with this one. It doesn’t scream “it’s a party and we’re inviting you and paying” to me.

Was it on a WhatsApp group or individual texts? If it’s the former, you could send a group reply along the lines of:

”So lovely to see the boys having fun today at activity. Just replying en masse to the requests for bank details for today. Happy to treat the boys to a burger, so just call it £x each.

Alexa
11-11-11
12345668

Hope to see you all soon - enjoy the rest of the summer.”

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 22/08/2022 18:04

They would know that the activity has to be paid for and should have given them at the very least a tenner. Would have never sent my son off with no cash and expect you to pay and feed them. Next time drop kids off without food and go for food after with your own. I would text that rich one and say how much the activity cost and the food but be oh so nice and she should have known better. Not everyone has spare cash. I did always feed kids when they came over to our house though and favour was returned.

SillyLittleBiscuit · 22/08/2022 18:05

I think it’s ruder to not question who was paying.

powerofalexa · 22/08/2022 18:07

I guess in my circle of friends, always ensure we pay out way

OP posts:
ihatebojo · 22/08/2022 18:07

SillyLittleBiscuit · 22/08/2022 18:05

I think it’s ruder to not question who was paying.

I agree, I would always clarify before but that ship has sailed

NanaNelly · 22/08/2022 18:08

Honestly Op, I’d have assumed the day involved lunch but I’d have sent my child with money for that and the activity anyway. But even so, no one I know would have taken the money and I wouldn’t have taken money from anyone either. And yes, it is a silly way of doing things but it’s just the way it is.

Next time suggest a packed lunch but I’ve no idea what you can do about the entry fee if you’ve done the inviting/made the suggestion.

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