Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Leave Holiday After 2 Days Owing to ASD DS Behaviour

125 replies

Overdon · 22/08/2022 13:11

DS has just slammed the bedroom door against a dressing table in temper said door now has a hole in it. The house we are renting is immaculate and I’m terrified what else he will trash. (I did take out insurance when we booked but don’t know if it will be covered)

The door incident occurred I had told him off for barging in the bathroom demanding to know where his football was, he refused to wait til I was finished. He didn’t even want to play with it, but was ‘curious’ to know where it was. FFS.

I told him his behaviour was unreasonable and his response was to scream abuse and bang the door and damaging it.

I can’t face walking on egg shells til next weekend.It’s just me and him in the house, his behaviour was bad yesterday too, took him to a fair and had to bring him out as he was swearing and shouting at me because I didn’t want to go on a particular ride.

Although holidays have been challenging in the past ( hotels are a no no) I thought we would be ok as a) we are staying in an area familiar to him and b) the property we are staying in has a private garden ( we live in flat so he said he was looking forward to this, but he’s only been out in it once.) I didn’t expect it to be plain sailing but think I would be less stressed at home.

I booked an activity’s this afternoon, won’t be going now as I have no idea what he will do next, my anxiety is through the roof. I mean really what’s the point in this ‘holiday’? We are in the UK and only 3 hrs drive from home, should I bail ?

OP posts:
Itreallyistimetogo · 22/08/2022 13:15

I bailed on a night away with my autistic son last week. He wasn't coping so we drove home. Sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't. Don't beat yourself up either way.

Original poster
Overdon · 22/08/2022 13:25

im gutted about the wasted ££, and put so much planning / preparation into it, and it’s just all gone to shit, and probably going to have to pay for damages to the property to boot!

When he was much younger he was so bad on holiday he made me ill, I fear the same thing might happen again if I stay the full week

i won’t be bothering next year.

OP posts:
ScootyAlan · 22/08/2022 13:26

My child's issue isn't autism, but she dos act out, and it's usually because she's stressed in some way. Sometimes in situations that I'd never imagine would stress her.
Sometimes the only thing to do is get out of that situation. If you think that he's not going to settle down, I would go home. Don't make a fuss about it, just go bake to your normal environment in an unemotional way and carry on like before.

ScootyAlan · 22/08/2022 13:28

Overdon · 22/08/2022 13:25

im gutted about the wasted ££, and put so much planning / preparation into it, and it’s just all gone to shit, and probably going to have to pay for damages to the property to boot!

When he was much younger he was so bad on holiday he made me ill, I fear the same thing might happen again if I stay the full week

i won’t be bothering next year.

That sounds really stressful for everyone. 😔
I wouldn't go again next year either. There's no point in upsetting yourselves in the name of relaxation.

GoldenGorilla · 22/08/2022 13:30

Yeah we’ve left holidays early before: my autistic 5 year old finds new environments challenging and sometimes the stress and meltdowns just wreck the holiday for everybody. There’s no point sticking around (and prob spending more money eating out/doing activities etc) if you’re not both enjoying it.

how old is he? How is he likely to react to losing the rest of the holiday?

girlmom21 · 22/08/2022 13:31

How old is he?

Mariposista · 22/08/2022 13:37

A holiday is meant to be relaxing, and this is about as relaxing for you having root canal surgery. So sorry that he has ruined it for you with his appalling behaviour - totally don't blame you when you say never again. Cut your losses and go home. Arrange to meet a friend for a coffee and treat yourself to some downtime.

hedgehoglurker · 22/08/2022 13:43

What a difficult position to be in, but I think your gut is right that you should leave. The behaviour is unpredictable and you can't allow him to continue destroying a stranger's property.

I hope insurance covers it, but it may not as it was an intentional act, not an accident. I know it's not your first priority, but please let them know ASAP so they can arrange the repair before the next visitors are due.

I'm sorry your desperately needed break isn't working out as hoped.

Branleuse · 22/08/2022 13:46

lots of ASD people just dont enjoy holidays at all, ever. No point keeping on trying.

Original poster
Overdon · 22/08/2022 13:53

He’s 13, it’s kicking off again niw

OP posts:
Andypandy799 · 22/08/2022 13:59

Sounds awful for you but at least you try your best for your DS.

Obviously it has cost you a lot of time and money planning this so don’t throw in the towel just yet. 3hrs isn’t just round the corner.

Just remind yourself none of this is your fault and you should be proud of having the courage to have taken him away in the first place. Sending virtual hugs

Ac0r4 · 22/08/2022 14:00

As others have said holidays are meant to be about relaxing. Doing something everyday is my daughters idea of hell so she has regular quiet days when on holiday where we hang around the accommodation, otherwise she turns into a grumpy monster.

It sounds like you struggle to understand each other and both struggle with conflict management/managing your emotions so issues escalate rather than being resolved.

You don’t need to put all holidays on hold, you need to prioritise learning to better communicate with each other and understanding each other’s needs

MuggleMe · 22/08/2022 14:15

If he has ASD will he get better once he's adjusted to being away? Are there activities you can do in the garden or free/cheap places you can go where it doesn't matter if he wants to leave? What coping strategies are effective?

NovaDeltas · 22/08/2022 15:09

Leave him with a relative next time? Or tell him he'll have to go into some sort of respite centre next time as he can't behave.

ASD or not, he still needs to learn appropriate behaviour, as all he's looking at now is being excluded from school and unable to get employment if he kicks doors in.

ColettesEarrings · 22/08/2022 15:34

@NovaDeltas · Today 15:09

"Leave him with a relative next time? Or tell him he'll have to go into some sort of respite centre next time as he can't behave."

Hilarious. Do you know anything about parenting a child with autism? Sure, there's residential respite centres in every town where you can just rock up and leave your child... not! If you can even find one within 100 miles they cost money which the OP would have to pay on top of the holiday. And as for relatives, I'd hazard a guess that like many extended families of ASD children, they probably blame the OP and would run a mile given the ds's challenging behaviour.

Your naivety is laughable.

OP - scrap this holiday and try again another time perhaps. We've had some very difficult holidays with our autistic son when he was younger, it's getting much better now he's older, 14 in our case.

Original poster
Overdon · 22/08/2022 16:04

i was reading the thread yesterday about the lady in France who is having a difficult time with their ASD DC, Why do we put ourselves through this!
Defo just day trips only from now on.

Family, friends can’t cope with him for babysitting, never mind a holiday! His Dad takes him away to see his family once a year ( 1 or 2 nights) and I drink my body weight in 🍷.

OP posts:
x2boys · 22/08/2022 16:09

NovaDeltas · 22/08/2022 15:09

Leave him with a relative next time? Or tell him he'll have to go into some sort of respite centre next time as he can't behave.

ASD or not, he still needs to learn appropriate behaviour, as all he's looking at now is being excluded from school and unable to get employment if he kicks doors in.

🤣🤣yeah cos it's that easy to just book into a respite centre for a week!

NanaNelly · 22/08/2022 16:09

Op, what did you do to prepare him for the holiday with regards to change of environment and routine, and did you have a calendar with trips and days out he’d be doing so he could see well in advance what would be going on each day?

Spanisheomellletttes · 22/08/2022 16:11

Sometimes if I wait a day, it gets better, and sometimes not. The thing is, at 13 your DS is probably going through puberty. If you really want to go home, go home. Better for your mental health IME

JenGin · 22/08/2022 16:17

It's so sad for you that you put so much planning into this and, I assume, were excited to have a little break to relax and then end up so upset and stressed.

Is it naive of me to suggesting giving it another day or 2 to see if he adjusts to the new surroundings? I don't have a lot of experience with autism at all so I'm sorry if that's an extremely naive thing to say! I've just heard that sometimes it can be a case of them slowly getting use to something new?

Mahanii · 22/08/2022 16:18

My kids take 2 or 3 days to adjust when on holiday. By the end of the week they're enjoying themselves and so am I and it was worth the first bit of pain. Don't know if it's the same for you?

NanaNelly · 22/08/2022 16:21

NanaNelly · 22/08/2022 16:09

Op, what did you do to prepare him for the holiday with regards to change of environment and routine, and did you have a calendar with trips and days out he’d be doing so he could see well in advance what would be going on each day?

Sorry, this sounds really ‘off’. It wasn’t meant to. So, to put it another way - is your son struggling despite lots of planning and explanation being put in place before the trip and if so could he start to settle down a bit once nice hes acclimatized so to speak.

Should you go home? I think that’s for your son to answer because he could be absolutely miserable and out of his depth and needs to get home. But he could also be ready to try and give things a go if he has tomorrow to get used to the new surroundings and has some say where you go and how his day will run.

Choconut · 22/08/2022 16:32

Maybe it would help to adjust your view? Rather than feeling you have to tip toe on egg shells perhaps see it as having to adjust your behaviour to enable him to be able to cope? His maturity is likely to be a few years below his actual age so you need to parent him like he is a younger child. Lower your expectations, understand his anxiety and meet his needs. He will need considerably more parenting than the average child his age so it does take some effort (mine with ASD is 16).

So if he needs to know where his ball is to feel secure don't make him wait for you to brush your hair or clean your teeth or whatever, just tell him. Literally that whole ordeal could have been avoided if you'd just told him straight away where his ball was.

Have you gone out in the garden with him? He probably doesn't want to be out there by himself or really know how to amuse himself there. Why don't you go out and tell him you'd love to see him show you his football skills or kick a ball around with him?
Before you left the fair did you tell him exactly why you didn't feel you could go on that ride? Did you warn him that he could choose a different ride and you could stay or if he continued that you would be leaving?

Parenting a child with ASD is hard work, no doubt but I wouldn't give up on the holiday just yet. Do some simple things in the garden with him if going out feel like too much, kids with ASD often need a lot of down time. Treat him like he is much younger than he is, lots of preparing him for what is going to happen, explaining why things are the way they are, and try to turn this around and have some fun together. I hope things improve for you both.

Itreallyistimetogo · 22/08/2022 16:40

NovaDeltas · 22/08/2022 15:09

Leave him with a relative next time? Or tell him he'll have to go into some sort of respite centre next time as he can't behave.

ASD or not, he still needs to learn appropriate behaviour, as all he's looking at now is being excluded from school and unable to get employment if he kicks doors in.

Most ridiculous thing I've read today. Relatives all to often become very unavailable to help when it comes to children with additional needs and respite centres are a purple unicorn. My son is non verbal, with challenging behaviour, autistic and has adhd, doesn't sleep and we can't even get one night overnight respite never mind a week. Also I would like to see how you 'teach appropriate behaviour', it really isn't that simple with a child that cannot control their emotions because of a neurological disability.

x2boys · 22/08/2022 16:46

Itreallyistimetogo · 22/08/2022 16:40

Most ridiculous thing I've read today. Relatives all to often become very unavailable to help when it comes to children with additional needs and respite centres are a purple unicorn. My son is non verbal, with challenging behaviour, autistic and has adhd, doesn't sleep and we can't even get one night overnight respite never mind a week. Also I would like to see how you 'teach appropriate behaviour', it really isn't that simple with a child that cannot control their emotions because of a neurological disability.

Show quote history

I hear you ,its like people think there is an abundance of respite for as when you need ,it
My son is 12 severely autistic, non verbal, learning disabilities,challenging behaviour, etc etc at a special school, the only respite we get is one day a week every school holiday in a special needs play scheme ,I would love to be able book a week's respite!