To Leave Holiday After 2 Days Owing to ASD DS Behaviour

[Overdon]

DS has just slammed the bedroom door against a dressing table in temper said door now has a hole in it. The house we are renting is immaculate and I’m terrified what else he will trash. (I did take out insurance when we booked but don’t know if it will be covered)

The door incident occurred I had told him off for barging in the bathroom demanding to know where his football was, he refused to wait til I was finished. He didn’t even want to play with it, but was ‘curious’ to know where it was. FFS.

I told him his behaviour was unreasonable and his response was to scream abuse and bang the door and damaging it.

I can’t face walking on egg shells til next weekend.It’s just me and him in the house, his behaviour was bad yesterday too, took him to a fair and had to bring him out as he was swearing and shouting at me because I didn’t want to go on a particular ride.

Although holidays have been challenging in the past ( hotels are a no no) I thought we would be ok as a) we are staying in an area familiar to him and b) the property we are staying in has a private garden ( we live in flat so he said he was looking forward to this, but he’s only been out in it once.) I didn’t expect it to be plain sailing but think I would be less stressed at home.

I booked an activity’s this afternoon, won’t be going now as I have no idea what he will do next, my anxiety is through the roof. I mean really what’s the point in this ‘holiday’? We are in the UK and only 3 hrs drive from home, should I bail ?

Out of interest I've read loads of threads on here about behavioural issues bringing families to breaking point . What happens if you just can't cope any longer ? do social services take the child into care , not wanting to be tardy but I just don't know how some families can deal with this level of destruction. Is there any last resort residential care offered by the state .

I can't believe people on this thread are acting like that behaviour is ok 'because he's autistic and overwhelmed and needs to express himself'. Does he have learning disabilities? If not, then he can learn what is appropriate behaviour and what is not. People need to stop making excuses for abusive behaviour!!

OP, if I were you I would give myself a pat on the back for trying and go home with your head held high. You tried. It's not your fault what happened.

Having learning disabilities is irrelevant. Autism is a neurological difference. This type of behaviour is not unusual in autistic children of any 'level' (I hate that expression but can't think of another to use right now) who are overwhelmed and out of their routine and environment. Self regulation is much more difficult due to differences in their brain. It is not a choice ffs. 🙄

@missbunnyrabbit it’s not a voluntary behaviour. It’s like saying you can learn not to sneeze or to blink.

All our holidays at the moment with autistic DS are spent at the same place - a farmstay which is specifically designed for autistic/ disabled families. When chaos ensues for the first couple of days after our arrival (or at any point during our stay), no-one bats an eyelid. When we go into town for coffee, everyone knows us - because we always go to the same places. We go 5 times per year, for a week each time, so it's a home away from home. Before finding this place, we used to go to the same B&B in another rural-ish setting. Because community and relationships are so important to DS, who is otherwise quite socially isolated as he cannot attend school, this way of holidaying works on many levels for us.

DS's capacity to manage an environment will determine the quality of our holiday. Lots of families using the farm have autistic and non-autistic siblings. All the kids have a great time.

I don’t think it’s as straightforward as this. What about siblings? And not just NT siblings, many siblings and parents of autistic kids are also neurodiverse themselves. It is a difficult situation if the entire family has to miss out and massively compromise their own happiness and fulfilment for one member all the time.

@Overdon YANBU, and I’m genuinely impressed by your practical approach, dedication to your son and your self-respect. (I work with children with additional needs and their families.) You deserve all the wine.

I sympathise OP as I have 2 ASD DC and as a single parent I’ve had some shockers of holidays.

As a side note, please let the owners/managers of the property know about the door ASAP if you haven’t already. I manage a large holiday let property and at this time of year it’s all same-day changeovers, if me and the cleaners arrived on changeover day to find a smashed up door it would cause some huge issues.

One of my uni lecturers has a son with ASD, they bought a campervan so they could visit friends in the evening.

When their son had had enough he would go into the camper van, make a cup of tea and it was like a second bedroom for him.

If not, then he can learn what is appropriate behaviour and what is not. People need to stop making excuses for abusive behaviour!!

He knows his behaviour is inappropriate, the OP knows that and isn't making excuses.

OP
Can you have a chill day today? Tell your DS you are having a day to just hang about the house and garden. Buy yourself a bottle of wine and just give it one more day. If that's a really stupid thing to say I'm sorry, obviously you know your child.

@octaurpus can I ask where this is? It sounds great!!

Single parent with DD13 with Adhd and ASD.

The best thing someone advised me was about their emotional maturity.

Take a third off their age and act accordingly.

The other thing is I rarely take her anywhere that is too over stimulating. Too much noise and chaos etc although she is really good at getting herself wound down now (dark room, snacks and iPad)

Mine is fine on the beach, outside and swimming etc but struggles with indoor events that are really noisy.

I'm really sorry this hasn't worked out for you. I hope you manage to get some rest when you get home.

Most families have no choice but to get in with it
A friend of mine, s son is in a residential school all year round but it's taken years of fighting to get this kind of funding for him and she has been at breaking point for a long time it's also been an incredibly hard decision, because obviously she loves her child dearly ,and it's a decision she's made in HIS best interests.

There are lots of families who are at absolute breaking point and social services won’t step in. There just aren’t enough places to care for children / families who need it. Most families are just left to struggle on on their own with sporadic visits from social workers.

Agree, you have to get on with it. In principle I am entitled to lots of support. It has been agreed that my dc should have monthly respite care but it has never materialised because there is a shortage of carers.

That’s sounds awful.

My two boys are autistic but thankfully neither have issues with routines changing so holidays are generally fine but day trips can be far worse.

But obviously there are other issues and like you I try to have solid boundaries so I’m with you - a poo without being bathed in on is non negotiable.

What else is going on in his life? Is this is escalation sudden? He sounds like he might be having a hard time in a lot of areas.

Does he have any therapy? OT? SALT?

@Merryoldgoat I am noticing a deterioration in behaviour generally I think it is puberty related. He did have a OT assessment but it was a bit crap tbh, so been thinking I will have fork out for a private one.

A link to another organization that I have personal experience of with my son.
They are fabulous at what they do and I believe LEA will pay for children to be seen here and to undergo DX and courses of OT and various other things including non autism related therapies. We travelled from abroad to see them and attended the clinic for 3 months and they also came to us. They also travel within the Uk and are based in Yorkshire.

www.therapyinpraxisltd.co.uk/about.html

Does his dad literally take him one night a year or does he have him overnight at his place more often?

Just wondering how you can get a little holiday for yourself. It sounds like you really need something to look forward to. I took NT DD up to London for 1 night and we blitzed all the stuff we can't normally manage with DS. £25 West End theatre tickets. It was amazing, a real break. I can imagine that doing it solo could be fun too.

With DS might something like a theme park work? The thrills of fairground rides, but a more orderly and less overwhelming environment.

Hi @DiscoBadgers I'm in Australia, and it's in regional Victoria, on the coast.

@MicksMate unfortunately Ex P/D F lives in Ireland we are in mainland UK..

My sons are generally quite happy when needs are met and can deal with small disruptions. I suspect there is more at play.

Hormones, friendship issues, school work etc. the anxiety underpinning everything needs to be unpicked.

However I would say that there is no chance on earth he’d call me whore without severe consequences.

@octaurpus ah. I think the 24 hour flight to Oz would negate the awesomeness of the farm 🤣

Did you go home OP? If so was DS upset or relieved?

My DS is 6 and not asd but has some very rigid behaviors and has a sensory processing disorder so I have a slight glimpse into some of the issues.

He always struggles to behave well when we are on holiday even though he thinks he likes going on holiday. Too much stimulation and the departure from routine throws him. Sometimes we get over it and it works brilliantly but there is always at least one nightmare day at the start.

If this was us I would have had a frank conversation with him about needing to go home because of his behavior and asked if he wanted to try and turn it around. I appreciate its very different though.

You sound like a brilliant parent. I hope you manage to have a nice week.

We're home. DS is much more relaxed now, we have had the first civilised conversation in days.
Will need to unpick what went wrong over the next few days/weeks. He insists that he wants to go on holiday again, but he is clearly much happier now he is home.

The lady who owns the holiday home was very kind about the door, (although she hasn't seen it yet tbf) ,

Thanks for all your supportive messages, it has really helped me the past two days.

Hi OP I'm so pleased you're happier at home now it sounds like you made the right decision. I don't really have any advice I just wanted to say you sound like a bloody amazing mum, your son is a lucky boy!