To Leave Holiday After 2 Days Owing to ASD DS Behaviour

[Overdon]

DS has just slammed the bedroom door against a dressing table in temper said door now has a hole in it. The house we are renting is immaculate and I’m terrified what else he will trash. (I did take out insurance when we booked but don’t know if it will be covered)

The door incident occurred I had told him off for barging in the bathroom demanding to know where his football was, he refused to wait til I was finished. He didn’t even want to play with it, but was ‘curious’ to know where it was. FFS.

I told him his behaviour was unreasonable and his response was to scream abuse and bang the door and damaging it.

I can’t face walking on egg shells til next weekend.It’s just me and him in the house, his behaviour was bad yesterday too, took him to a fair and had to bring him out as he was swearing and shouting at me because I didn’t want to go on a particular ride.

Although holidays have been challenging in the past ( hotels are a no no) I thought we would be ok as a) we are staying in an area familiar to him and b) the property we are staying in has a private garden ( we live in flat so he said he was looking forward to this, but he’s only been out in it once.) I didn’t expect it to be plain sailing but think I would be less stressed at home.

I booked an activity’s this afternoon, won’t be going now as I have no idea what he will do next, my anxiety is through the roof. I mean really what’s the point in this ‘holiday’? We are in the UK and only 3 hrs drive from home, should I bail ?

We have two DS with ASD and damaging things is definitely becoming more of an issue now they are older. So far it's not been in temper but more a case of tugging on a curtain and it coming down for example. Holidays are very stressful and tiring with some nice moments in between. When they were little, although sleep was worse, at least we could pick them up one under each arm!!

Treat your time that he is with his dad as your 'holiday' time. Go to a spa with a friend, or a theatre trip, overnight if you can afford it, eat in some nice restaurants. Forget about 'family fun holidays' - you will end up disappointed, stressed and sad.

Thank you to all who have posted kind messages.
The baffling thing about it all is that this years holiday is very similar to last years ( location, repeat visits to activities), and last years trip went much better.
To the PP who suggested I ‘change my mindset’ I didn’t know where his ball was and I was having a poo at the time he knows it is wrong to walk in on people in the bathroom. So yes I will pull him up on it he is 13 after all .
He knows it is wrong to call me a ‘fucking who’re’ and was down to his final warning before we left the fair.
I have brought his football equipment and put it in the garden, but only managed to engage him with this once.

Going home tomorrow, completely drained.

Yeah I hate advice that is essentially “just give him what he wants! Tell him where the ball is!”. No. He’s 13. You’re allowed to insist on privacy when you are on the loo, he’s not a toddler that gets to come in the room with you! You have needs of your own which have to be respected.

And hahahaha there is absolutely fuck all respite available even for the most disabled children, no chance of finding any.

i hope you have a peaceful night and an ok trip home.

@GoldenGorilla ,yes In my darker moments I have though about going to prison for a break! It’s tricky though, as I have no ‘previous ‘ I might just end up with community service, and I feel I am already doing that!

I didn’t know where his ball was and I was having a poo at the time he knows it is wrong to walk in on people in the bathroom. So yes I will pull him up on it he is 13 after all.

I would just say that yes, he’s 13. But is he really?

Also his hormones will be running rampant and this can take an even greater toll on our children than it does on the NT.

My son is in his 30’s now and requires 2-1 round the clock care with a third person always in the vicinity. We can still have him at home because of what we’ve personally put into place for him but even so it’s full on.

Re the bathroom - I have a sign that I put my bedroom door that says mama is busy in the bathroom, so he knows that even though I’m inside I can’t come to the door. I’ve also heard of other parents who use a traffic light kind of system to let the children know if they are able to open or not. You could even take the sign further and say on it, I’ll be out at 7.45 etc.

So am I just never going to get a holiday again because my ASD DD doesn't like them? We away atm, and despite doing everything we can to make it bearable for her, she's been a nightmare.

The rest of us love a holiday, are we just suppose to not go away until she's old enough to not have to join?

We just booked a holiday to a quiet cottage near the sea. The last holiday was an absolute disaster. We nearly didn’t stay but in the end we lasted it out. I feel a bit more mentally prepared this time but im still very nervous!!!

Sending you a big hug

@GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal - it’s hard. My autistic 5 year old basically doesn’t want to go on holiday, but does enjoy parts of it with a lot of support, reassurance and down time. But my NT extrovert adventurous 7 year old loves holidays.

So I guess like everything else in a family were compromising. Fewer holidays than DS1 wants, more than DS2 wants. DS1 getting to do exciting things with one of us while DS2 chills out at the hotel with the other. DS1 is going on a weekend away just with his dad shortly, DS2 was delighted to learn he doesn’t have to go. So we are finding ways to still holiday, it just all has to be adapted to DS2’s needs.

Honestly, I always worked holidays around my son and prepared him for them starting months in advance. Everyone else still had there holiday but with alternative ways of working things.

I watch an Australian mum on YouTube who has a child with autism (she only shows him when he wants to be show) more talking about the trials and tribulations, and what has worked for their family.

They were never able to go on holiday until they rented a motor home, the child was able to take all of his important things with him and was comfortable with the home itself as they got the same layout one each year. Took their own bedding, crockery etc. I'm not saying it would definitely work but might be worth a try.

I can’t take my dc on holiday for the same reason. I don’t even contemplate it any more and I don’t expect to sit on a beach ever again.

I would take him home if it’s safe to do so.

I went away with my autistic teen in July, he was excited to go but it was still extremely challenging. On day 3 I just walked around the corner & cried.
It is extremely hard, but we keep trying as a relaxing holiday would be an amazing thing.
The smallest things can act as a trigger, one of ours was the fact the shower was a wet room, who knew not me 😥but also found just not being in his space very uncomfortable which led to challenges.
You need to do the best for you as well as him & if it’s too much, then go home, big hugs

Hugs OP. So hard. Some people really don’t get it.

Can his Dad step up more? 1/2 nights a year seems extremely unfair… how would he like to do that in reverse?!

What in the name of 25p energy drink is this sort of bollocks???

GoldenGorilla · Today 17:31

Yeah I hate advice that is essentially “just give him what he wants! Tell him where the ball is!”. No. He’s 13. You’re allowed to insist on privacy when you are on the loo, he’s not a toddler that gets to come in the room with you! You have needs of your own which have to
Expectations that may be reasonable in a routine home environment may not be reasonable in a new and highly stressful situation. It's not pandering, it's making suitable accommodations for the circumstances.

@UggyPow well done for sticking it out! I must confess this isint even the worst holiday we've had. When he was much younger (pre diagnosis) we went to a 'Family Friendly ' hotel, in Spain, of course I understand now he was overstimulated by the unfamiliar place, animation team, etc. It completely freaked him out, , I ended up being quite ill from the stress of it all. I am not going to get ill from a family "holiday'"again.
@Greengreengrassbluebluesky I know it's sad, I am in this beautiful place that I love and cant enjoy it.
@inflationhorror his dad is a waster, he has been told to step up by various parties he always has a lame excuse. I think he has a gambling problem, it's his mum who pays for the DS visiting trip once a year.

*So am I just never going to get a holiday again because my ASD DD doesn't like them? We away atm, and despite doing everything we can to make it bearable for her, she's been a nightmare.

The rest of us love a holiday, are we just suppose to not go away until she's old enough to not have to join?*

Well, yeah. That’s part of what being a parent is. Making sacrifices for your kids emotional and mental well-being. Neurotypical ‘wants’ shouldn’t always trump neurodiverse needs. The whole bloody world is made for neurotypical people that neurodiverse people are constantly forced to try and fit into. Don’t add to that by forcing them into a situation that is going to distress them just to satisfy your want for a holiday, then moaning about it/them when they don’t cope well with it.

Electronics are my friend. Over stimulated dc in dark room with snacks and ipad (me in garden with chocolate). Quite often how holidays go in holiday homes

Woah.

Neurotypical ‘wants’ shouldn’t always trump neurodiverse needs.

Sounds like they never do tbh. Have you seen the numbers of threads on here of mums terrified of their violent and aggressive autistic sons?

Im sorry but the world works for the majority, that’s the way it is, that’s the way it should be.

Blaming OP’s son’s behaviour on the OP because she desperately wants a break after parenting him 24/7 for years is massively out of order.

Tell me you have no knowledge of ASD without telling me you have no knowledge of ASD….

We had some awful times on holiday. I have brought my son home before and we had a few years where the others when with their dad and I stayed home with ds. As the years went by and he got older we got it down to a fine art (by staying in the same area for 13 years), so we stayed in specific accommodation, in an area he liked and we ran to a schedule. He's an adult now so we can vary things a bit now but we have to pace things, build in plenty of time for him to chill out, give him the option to opt out, have takeaways rather than eating out some days etc. It's very much like being at home in a different house tbh but we are so used to it now. I'm so sorry it's not turned out as you hoped, you should go home if you think he won't settle down.

@LosingTheWill2022
My DS knows it is wrong to barge into the bathroom when someone is in there, we are in a private and very pleasant holiday home which I do not consider to be a "highly stressful situation " which would excuse such behaviour.
I absolutely deserve privacy in certain situations, and DS has to be told when he is being inappropriate.

I don’t have knowledge of ASD personally and I know I will be criticised for this comment but I find it hard that so many posters seem to think having an autistic child means you can no longer expect to go on holiday or do anything enjoyable, and should just accept the rest of your days will be stopping them from attacking you or breaking things. OP is a human being there is only so much she can take.

No one has said that. But asd can be anything from someone being affected so severely they smear poo across their bedroom walls every night, don’t speak and cannot communicate at all (I have personal experience of this, my friends son) to someone who to all extents and purposes has a fairly “normal” life - I hate the term high and low functioning as it suggests asd is linear and actually it really isn’t (my son can’t wipe his own bum at 10 for example but has encyclopaedic knowledge of owls and frogs).

No two people with autism are the same, although there might be similarities. Every situation is different and it’s not possible to - for example- except certain types of behaviour from certain individuals.