To Leave Holiday After 2 Days Owing to ASD DS Behaviour

[Overdon]

DS has just slammed the bedroom door against a dressing table in temper said door now has a hole in it. The house we are renting is immaculate and I’m terrified what else he will trash. (I did take out insurance when we booked but don’t know if it will be covered)

The door incident occurred I had told him off for barging in the bathroom demanding to know where his football was, he refused to wait til I was finished. He didn’t even want to play with it, but was ‘curious’ to know where it was. FFS.

I told him his behaviour was unreasonable and his response was to scream abuse and bang the door and damaging it.

I can’t face walking on egg shells til next weekend.It’s just me and him in the house, his behaviour was bad yesterday too, took him to a fair and had to bring him out as he was swearing and shouting at me because I didn’t want to go on a particular ride.

Although holidays have been challenging in the past ( hotels are a no no) I thought we would be ok as a) we are staying in an area familiar to him and b) the property we are staying in has a private garden ( we live in flat so he said he was looking forward to this, but he’s only been out in it once.) I didn’t expect it to be plain sailing but think I would be less stressed at home.

I booked an activity’s this afternoon, won’t be going now as I have no idea what he will do next, my anxiety is through the roof. I mean really what’s the point in this ‘holiday’? We are in the UK and only 3 hrs drive from home, should I bail ?

Today is either the first time it happened and it can be addressed - I’ve explained how we’ve handled it as well as other people have.

Or it’s happened before and it hasn’t been addressed. And it’s only being addressed because the door is broken.

@NovaDeltas where I live, there is a 4 year waiting list for holiday club for SEN. Our local respite centre is so under pressure that they had to decline respite for a family where the dad had just had a heart attack. What planet are you living on?!

And kids with ASD can’t just decide to behave - they aren’t misbehaving, they’re overwhelmed and don’t know how else to express it.

They were never able to go on holiday until they rented a motor home, the child was able to take all of his important things with him and was comfortable with the home itself as they got the same layout one each year. Took their own bedding, crockery etc. I'm not saying it would definitely work but might be worth a try

This is what we've done this year. I was so sick of paying £££ for nice accommodation, and then wanting to come home. We bought an affordable, older camper van and spent some time making it lovely- DS3 (10) having input- and travelled around this year for 9 days. It wasn't stress free, but much, much better as he has his own space and things and routine (to an extent). He could chill if he wanted whilst one of us had a walk/ coffee/ swim. We also took only him- he's much better without fighting with NT DS1 and DS2. We're lucky as they were with exH (their dad and are older teens, so understand).

I then went abroad with older NT teens for a 5 day break. DS3 stayed home with DH. He's an angel as he knows how stressful school holidays are for me (I'm a teacher, so off all summer). He'll go on some weekend breaks in the Camper with DS1 and 2 mountain biking/ climbing, which suits him far better than a beach in Greece!

It's definitely divide and conquer when you can.

That'll tell him 🤦‍♀️

@NanaNelly

Your attitude on this thread has been frankly heartless - towards a woman who's been called a fucking whore and had the bathroom door kicked in when being in there.
Actually, so heartless as to be frankly mysoginistic, despicable and worthless.

Are you fecking kidding? Are you?!

Many of us here know EXACTLY what OP is going through. Sometimes kids with ASD are totally illogical, no matter how well you try to communicate- exactly like NT kids, ie my 15yoNT DS who can be a nightmare.

Who are you to come on here and judge the OP with your textbook 'you need to communicate ' . Give us all a break!

I really couldn’t care less what you think of me.

My thoughts/empathy/sympathy are with the lad who’s in a situation where he’s not coping.

That's what I said so - mysoginistic.
The "poor lad"...but no thought for the woman he abuses.

You can carry on with your misogynistic nonsense and anything else you want to add to it. You are nothing but predictable b

And I will say it again - my thoughts are with the lad. And my posts on any of these threads will always be about how to try and improve on a situation and perhaps prevent it from happening again.

My reading of the OP is that the hole in the door was caused by the door being banged against the dressing table. The dressing table shouldn't have been behind the door so that it could be hit, that's an accident waiting to happen.

Holidays are tough when you have kids with autism. There's no point talking about whether parents/siblings "deserve" a holiday, you need to deal with the reality you are in, that might mean going home or it might mean having a relaxing bath and starting with a clean slate tomorrow.

I've just come back from holiday with my ND kids, I had my head slammed with a door at one point. But I thought the holiday was quite successful.

I'm not suggesting that hurting people, swearing or slamming doors are ok, they aren't, but all you can do is deal with the world as it is. There's no point saying he's 13 and he should know not to barge into the bathroom. I expect he doesn't have the impulse control to stop himself.

The motorhome scenario is interesting, are the showers ok on them? He would NEvER use communal shower block..

@Overdon all I can add is you did your best to provide your son with a holiday. It must be really disappointing that it hasn’t worked out, do what is best for you. And plan a big glass of wine for when you get home.

Motorhome showers work well, either on hook up electric on a campsite or on the bottled gas BUT there is limited water. Usually it’s stand in, drench, turn off, shampoo, lather body, rinse. It’s not like a home shower where you leave it running. You can but you’d have to refill the water tank daily.
And if your ds did have a meltdown damage can be very expensive, though motorhome S are pretty tough things like the fridge, oven wall or ceiling damage can be mega bucks.

Thank you@Agadoodoododont your very kind.
The negative comments on here are water off a ducks back as I know how much effort I put in to planning the holiday withDS and I always fight for my DS to get the support he needs including fighting the LA at tribunal.

However as a single parent with little support I also have to manage my own mental health, so this why I have elected to leave tomorrow.

agh I'm sorry OP. It's very hard to call it a day and go home.

This is still your holiday week so the next question is how do you salvage as much of a break and rest as you can? Some structure for DS at home maybe and some takeaways and films lined up for you perhaps? It is particularly hard at this age I think, when they've outgrown a lot of the stuff that used to work.

Don't give up trying. SC in the UK is particularly challenging with our DS and we do other things instead that work better for us. Even just one trip that works out can be the starting point of things getting easier for you both.

Yanbu @Overdon frankly the best feeling I get these days is the relief I feel when we get back home, taking them out, for holidays etc is so stressful. Hope you get some peace at home.

The showers in motor homes depend on th type of motor home. The smaller ones don’t tend to have a shower or a toilet
The bigger ones do, they are about as big as a caravan shower cubicle.
We have a caravan with a washroom, (shower, basin and a loo)My 6’2” 14 st DH manages just fine. I’m smaller but have more hair so I wash my hair first then quickly body wash before the hot water runs out. The water soon heats up again though for the next person.

@MicksMate I think you have hit the nail on the head, the things that used to work have stopped working.
I think I am so gutted as I thought last year I found a location that ‘fit’ for us, but now apparently it doesn’t, perhaps it’s a teen thing.
Will try and salvage something for the rest of the week when we get home.

There’s some very good information regarding challenging behavior (from all aspects) on this link. The fact it’s mostly aimed at those with learning difficulties shouldn’t put people off as it’s easily adapted to suit others. People can also access advice by calling the organization.

www.challengingbehaviour.org.uk/

This other link is also a good one and covers the ‘low arousal’ approach to ‘the reduction of stress, fear and frustration and seeks to prevent aggression and crisis situations’

www.lowarousal.com/

Both come with personal recommendation.

Sorry, the low arousal approach is not just for use in professional settings. It’s for anyone anywhere.

PP are correct. We have a Mazda Bongo and it's too small for a shower (DS3 is fine with the odd communal shower/ going swimming so has a shower there) but other, bigger motorhomes have decent showers. My friend's VW has one.

I'm sorry things have been so bad. We have had the most successful on holiday when we go to somewhere set up for autistic families. The place we enjoy the most is called the Thomas Centre www.thethomascentre.co.uk/

The couple who run it set it up because they could never go on holiday with their autistic son. On our first visit the owners showed us around and told us the only rule was don't apologise! It was such a relief!

@Thinkingblonde @Puffalicious thanks for the heads up .

@Loopylou555 wow that place looks amazing, thanks!

It's been a difficult holiday, but the next summer holidays may be fine. Don't be too upset about the next time.
Thirteen can be a difficult age with the hormones. I had similar, in terms of breakages, with my son who has ASD when he was that age. It's so difficult on holiday as the things they want are not just 'there' and the shops and cafes which sell what they like are not there either. You almost need to take three of all the things they like: footballs, tee shirts, etc. It's just many times more expensive than it ought to be - and including paying for breakages. I ended up thinking that day trips and lots of activities can be as good.