To want time alone with baby

[tamalams]

My baby is only 2 and a half months old and the weekend just gone we took her away for a mini break with my other half and his 9 year old daughter from previous relationship.

Some back story: we don't live together, we went through a tough time and decided to live apart and trying to rebuild. He has his other daughter half the time.

His other daughter loves my baby to bits and it's lovely to see the baby so well accepted and loved. We all needed a nice break away so went for a weekend.

His 9 year old is an intense character but lovely. However every time I said anything to the baby, she would be there kinda blocking my face. The only time I had alone with the baby where she wasn't in the way was when I was feeding (bottle) and there's no major play / interactive time there otherwise she won't feed.

It was kinda made worse by if I didn't pay the baby any attention she would back off but as soon as I interacted it was as if I wasn't allowed to and she needed to be the baby's centre of attention.

I didn't say anything on the weekend and when I came home I was so relieved to have some time so that the baby could look in my direction without another head in the way.

My partner facetimed earlier so thought I'd speak to him about it - he spent most of the weekend saying the words "just give me 2 minutes with her please!" To his daughter every time he interacted also so i thought he'd understand but he's fuming with me bringing it up.

I began the conversation saying "I'm not saying she's doing anything wrong as such but even you were complaining that she was in the baby's face 247" but he's still fuming saying he can't believe I'm saying this about a 9 year old and I get all the time in the world with the baby where she doesn't.

And I understand where he's coming from but this was our holiday also and it would have been nice to experience the holiday with the baby too without just being the feeder.

AIBU to feel this way?

Yes, YABU

You're fine. I'd have taken myself away to another room for a bit.

Yabu
she wants to be a part of the family and is insecure that the new baby is more important and loved than she is.

@fufflecake we were staying in a big camping/glamping pod all kinda one room of a few beds in the middle of nowhere so no other rooms. I did think maybe if it was a cottage or something next time it would be easier to take myself and the baby to another room.

Fingers crossed she is still so loving when you have an exhausting toddler and you want 5 mins peace...

@Crayfishforyou @Kite22 ok please help me understand as he's flew off the handle and put the phone down.

He too kept saying to her "give me 2 minutes on my own" or "give the baby some breathing space/not in her face all the time" so my point is he feels the same frustration but I'm not allowed to voice my same frustration?

I love it that she loves the baby but shouldn't we be teaching her that she can't be in the baby's face as soon as I or her dad speaks to the baby? She has another younger sister (same mum) who couldn't attend as she has a bug, so not her first experience of having a sibling

@Creepymanonagoatfarm I understand what you're saying, I have grown up children of my own so I know what's coming of course, and as she gets in to her teens I'm sure this will die down, I'm more confused I guess. It's ok for her dad to say continuously all weekend "please just give me 2 minutes without your face blocking mine" but not ok for me to feel the same

I don’t think the 9 year old is the issue here. She has now witnessed the break-up (or at least it seems to her) of two families. Her emotional response might be clingy or attention-seeking, but she’s 9. Her needs come first.

You will get a pasting on here OP because I’m MNland all stepchildren are damaged victims of their selfish horrendous parents and must never be told off no matter how horrendous their behaviour.

But back to the real world - she is 9 and it’s absolutely appropriate to let her know about personal space and boundaries. Just because she might be feeling a bit pushed out because of the new baby it doesn’t mean it’s ok for her to be so in-your-face with her sister. Older kids should know when it’s time to step back and let an adult deal with the baby.

The novelty will wear off soon I’m sure. She’s probably just feeling a bit insecure about her place in the family.
Your DP will probably always place his DD’s feelings first which is fine as long as your child is up there with that.

If you were staying in accomodation that was all one room then YABU to expect alone time unless you’re taking baby off somewhere or your DP took his daughter off somewhere, and neither of those things are down to the DC to arrange.

Yes your partner should be doing those things.

Maybe it’s time to take stock of why you aren’t living together - sounds like he a bit of an arse, and hanging up on you for raising a perfectly reasonable issue is a massive red flag

@thelittleapple both her mum and dad have told me she's intense and attention seeking but neither seem to be doing anything about it (I'm not sure what could be done I suppose).

I have two older children and I would have thought nothing about teaching the eldest that everyone is allowed time with the baby, especially on holiday we should all be able to experience the holiday with the baby, something I would have been able to explain to my eldest and I think that's OK to teach. It frustrated him too to the point he repeatedly told her on the weekend so I feel like it's a bit unfair that I can't feel the same frustration

He’s the issue, of course, OP. The 9 YO is doing what little girls sometimes do when a new baby comes into their lives and removes their father’s attention.

But really, it sounds like there are other issues with him.

The overreaction from your partner would really concern me here.

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet oh thanks for the heads up. I guess I'm more about having the same rules for step children as I would my own (because my children are also step children to my exs new wife and they're perfectly fine to set boundaries with so I assume other step children are too).

That's exactly it - i don't believe there's anything wrong in setting some rules for boundaries and personal space, which means everyone enjoys the baby and if nothing else, his 9 year old then gets focused daddy time if I'm going for a walk with the baby?

But I couldn't even change a nappy to have time with the baby without her blocking the baby's face, even those 2 minutes would have been ok with me, some interaction!

9 is still very young especially emotionally, the baby is very new and she’s obviously still figuring it all out. You chose to book a single room for you all ensuring there was no quiet space for anyone, that isn’t her fault. It also sounds like her dad was dealing with it when it became too much and telling her to give baby some space. Not sure what else needs to be said or why you brought it up again as it just sounds overly critical of her.

Stay living apart and decline joint trips. You’re not blended right now so let him focus on him time with his older DD and he can spend time with you and the baby the other half of the week.

His defensive hypocritical attitude would piss me right off. If you can’t be open and honest with him then there’s no future.

@FawnFrenchieMum I will always expect him to put his daughter before me of course as I would my children before him and we understand that fully.

As a PP said it's ok to have some rules around personal space at aged 9? It's not as if she's a toddler unable to fully grasp this.

Plus if I had 5 minutes to change her nappy even without the interruption that means she gets more daddy time too which i would hope help feelings of insecurity the more time she has with her dad

Can you give her age appropriate dc related jobs? Dd was 9 when ds was born and she had been taught how to make me a cuppa for when I was bf!! Younger dc tidied baby box and kept nappy bag full etc. All really close now as teens...

But I couldn't even change a nappy to have time with the baby without her blocking the baby's face, even those 2 minutes would have been ok with me, some interaction!

I think it's really strange for anyone to not expect you to find this a bit much.

@AnneLovesGilbert I've thought this this evening. That I should be able to voice concerns and ask if we can just set some rules around personal space. I would have done that with my other two children no problem but maybe coming from an outsider he's got a little defensive, even though he felt the same.

I know it's difficult to speak about the other children as we both have children from previous but getting so angry with me over a frustration he himself had I think it's unfair and doesn't bode well for open honest communication in future

YANBU. She's 9 not a toddler. She is absolutly at an age where he should be able to firmly remind her of boundaries.

You genuinely sound like you're fine on your own. I wouldn't invite that drama into your life. Let him manage the two of them and you have some peace.

This! 👏

@GoAround he was dealing with it when it annoyed him but he didn't deal with it when I was trying to interact with baby or when I was changing baby etc. Only his time.