To want time alone with baby

[tamalams]

My baby is only 2 and a half months old and the weekend just gone we took her away for a mini break with my other half and his 9 year old daughter from previous relationship.

Some back story: we don't live together, we went through a tough time and decided to live apart and trying to rebuild. He has his other daughter half the time.

His other daughter loves my baby to bits and it's lovely to see the baby so well accepted and loved. We all needed a nice break away so went for a weekend.

His 9 year old is an intense character but lovely. However every time I said anything to the baby, she would be there kinda blocking my face. The only time I had alone with the baby where she wasn't in the way was when I was feeding (bottle) and there's no major play / interactive time there otherwise she won't feed.

It was kinda made worse by if I didn't pay the baby any attention she would back off but as soon as I interacted it was as if I wasn't allowed to and she needed to be the baby's centre of attention.

I didn't say anything on the weekend and when I came home I was so relieved to have some time so that the baby could look in my direction without another head in the way.

My partner facetimed earlier so thought I'd speak to him about it - he spent most of the weekend saying the words "just give me 2 minutes with her please!" To his daughter every time he interacted also so i thought he'd understand but he's fuming with me bringing it up.

I began the conversation saying "I'm not saying she's doing anything wrong as such but even you were complaining that she was in the baby's face 247" but he's still fuming saying he can't believe I'm saying this about a 9 year old and I get all the time in the world with the baby where she doesn't.

And I understand where he's coming from but this was our holiday also and it would have been nice to experience the holiday with the baby too without just being the feeder.

AIBU to feel this way?

Your ‘DP’ is responsible for facilitating the time you need alone with your baby. But really this whole arrangement sounds disastrous for the outcome you were hoping for. Please don’t blame a kid who only sees her dad half the time and now needs to share that attention. It’s not her fault.

@thelittleapple I'm not blaming the 9 year old, I think you're right my other half was fine to get annoyed with her when he couldn't even see the babies face but it's not ok for me to want the same - i don't feel like I'm in the position yet where I can ask his 9 year old to give us some space even if I'm just changing her nappy, so I am reliant on him being able to talk to her about this.

He could even say to her, when the baby is being changed that's a great opportunity for some daddy daughter time with his 9 year old? This doesn't need to be a serious discussion but could be put to her in a way that strengthens their bond so it's a plus for her?

Then the issue definitely isn’t the 9YO. She should be taught about personal space and boundaries, consistently, by her dad. He also should have given her some 1:1 attention or taken her out for a bit whilst you dealt with baby. I get your frustrated but she really isn’t the problem.

@GoAround no absolutely not. And he did give her 1:1 time when the baby was sleeping! They played some tennis and I left them to it and sat in our garden bit of our glamping place happily taking in some rest but as soon as the baby was awake it wasn't dealt with.

But this is my point I tried talking to him about it as he's the one that should impliment some boundaries and he's just too angry to have a conversation with.

Sounds a bit doomed when I type it up!

I don't really understand how this happened.

What did you do all weekend? Glamping pod implies countryside, beach, playing cricket / football etc? Baby can't do any of that so presume you were holding or in a sling or similar. Unless the 9yo had literally nothing to do (which wouldn't be her fault!) I can't see how you didn't get plenty time with the baby.

Slings are excellent for keeping babies to yourself by the way. Any allowance freedom to move / walk / carry on real life.

Why didn't you say something to her at the time?

That aside, your OH isn't relationship material. He should have learned by now that slamming the phone down in fury isn't the best way to keep a relationship moving forward. Is this his usual demeanor when he's angry?

I really don’t think being annoyed with her is correct. Her response is quite normal. Calm reiteration of the fact that her love of the baby is welcome and she will have as much time with her dad and the baby as she needs will help, while you tell her that in this moment you need space. But it is your partner letting you down here.

@bumpytrumpy every time the baby slept they played tennis together but if I had the baby up she would be in the baby's face. As discussed with a PP not her fault as partner was ok to tell her to back away from the baby's face during his time but I don't feel like I can say that directly to her so tried to say to him I'd fact liked the time too.

On the Friday day he took his 9 year old for a walk as the baby slept, Friday night we had food around the campfire and the baby was awake, nothing much else to do getting there so late.

Saturday morning same kinda set up they'd do things while the baby slept. We went for a trip to the town near for a coffee and that's when I did use a sling but then she falls asleep in a sling! So again no interactive time seeing her face etc.

That was kinda the pattern I guess...

@mathanxiety I didn't want this to be added in to my description as I didn't want anyone to judge her previous behaviour, I wanted this treated a bit in isolation to see if I was being unreasonable but the reason I can't say anything to her is because the reason we have had to life apart is that she has previously spat multiple times at one of my other children, and it was creating a horrible living situation between my partner and I.

On the back of that I think if I said anything to her about this she would feel like she's in the wrong again so I'm treading carefully and trying to go through him.

‘We went for a trip to the town near for a coffee and that's when I did use a sling but then she falls asleep in a sling! So again no interactive time seeing her face etc.‘

It’s not surprising that on holiday you’ll get less time alone. You don’t live with your partner so it’s not like you don’t see your baby for ‘interactive time’ completely alone.

@thelittleapple I agree it's him letting me down here. I don't really understand how we can both be frustrated with the same thing but he can be annoyed with me that I am. That's unfair

@thelittleapple I agree less time alone is going to happen but I think it's ok to expect us all to enjoy the baby on holiday equally

I thought you said your other children were grown up ? So did she spit at other adults?
You should feel you can tell her to back up a little and give baby a little space etc , I would say that to any child that i felt was too close to my baby

You should be figuring out why she’s doing it and correcting that.
does she want more baby time.
does she want to feel special. Is she feeling insecure about not being your bio child. Does she want your attention.

but also you need to figure out the boundaries with DP and what is ‘acceptable’ for you and DSD.
can you be firm with her or not?
so could you say DSD could I have 10 mins with the baby and then maybe you can hold them after? And then if she doesn’t leave say DSD I’ve asked for a few minutes, please don’t ignore me.
or is that too authoritative? Can you give direction? Are you a parent figure to her or are you just another adult.
Basically figure out your plan going forward and what your relationship is with DSD.
i imagine it’s made harder as you and DP are stepping back, so that distances your relationship with her too, and puts it in a kind of limbo.

About 2 years ago I was you. With my little baby and a really over enthusiastic 10 year old. I would secretly cry when my baby was taken away and fussed over and I also just felt like the feeder.
But...the 10 year old is now 13 and my toddler has the best big sister in the world. They are closer than I ever imaged a toddler and a teenager could be. They adore each other and she's a really vital resource for me at times. Not only that, my DSD respects me and appreciates me as not just her dad's girlfriend but her precious little sisters mum. We thank our lucky stars for her all the time, she's a brilliant kid. I am grateful every day I bit my tongue and let them build a unique and special bond separate from me. I got bags of time with my baby in reality and their bond is really something special.
I understand how you feel but it is important to remember it's her little sister and she doesn't get unlimited access like a sister in normal circumstances. It is hard, just worth baring in mind.

YABU!! She’s a 9 year old.
excited about her baby sibling and potentially insecure about being pushed out . What exactly did you hope to gain by raising it with your partner. You have plenty of time alone with your baby, you don’t even live with DP and 9 year old is only there 50% anyway. You were all on holiday together. Sounds like you just wanted to complain about his child. I’d be furious if I were him too.

That he instil some basic boundaries?
Getting in anyines Face is rude end of.

‘but I think it's ok to expect us all to enjoy the baby on holiday equally’

This sounds like the baby is a sauna. It’s not. These are complicated relationships, and you’re the adult. Sorry.

I don’t get it at all sorry. The way anyone interacts with a small baby is to get close to their face (they can’t see more than a few inches) / cuddle / stroke etc. my elder DD is always “getting in my babies face”, I don’t consider it rude at all. What a bizarre attitude. I love that she loves to play with/ cuddle her sister. The only boundary I set is that she should not be rough and if she upsets the baby she should give her some space. I would never want to shame her/
discourage her from interacting with/ getting up close to her baby sister.

mumsnet orthodoxy on step parenting is absolutely toxic. I find it completely shocking tbh.

It wasn't the baby she was pushing in front of. It was OP. And she's been reminded of this numerous times by her father.

So ot sounds like disciple in servery lacking all around.
This kid isn't the OPs she donedt need to worry about what she wants or anything. She's already shown what a terror she can be.

This kid isn't the OPs she donedt need to worry about what she wants or anything

I rest my case - Absolutely toxic. Of course she has to worry about her- it’s her partner’s child and her baby’s sibling , and they are on holiday together as a family. This girl is 9 years old- a small child. Your attitude is appalling and quite frankly totally immoral. If you can’t be a decent person for god’s sake just don’t partner with a man who has children.

Yeah, she’s such a ‘terror’. 🙄

If you’re not prepared to treat step-kids how you would treat your own, don’t have them.

@thelittleapple this is the problem maybe because I would happily tell my own children to give me and the baby some space, and my partner did tell her during his time with the baby but didn't tell get during my time with the baby. It's not her fault as I've said, but my partner finds it Unreasonable for me to feel this way, when it's not unreasonable for him to feel this way.

She's not her step child. They are semi together. If anything after what that child pulled I would think the man would be working his arse off to mend fences.

Your partner is right on this occasion, once she has spent more time with the baby she will probably calm down anyway. X