Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want time alone with baby

83 replies

tamalams · 21/08/2022 20:49

My baby is only 2 and a half months old and the weekend just gone we took her away for a mini break with my other half and his 9 year old daughter from previous relationship.

Some back story: we don't live together, we went through a tough time and decided to live apart and trying to rebuild. He has his other daughter half the time.

His other daughter loves my baby to bits and it's lovely to see the baby so well accepted and loved. We all needed a nice break away so went for a weekend.

His 9 year old is an intense character but lovely. However every time I said anything to the baby, she would be there kinda blocking my face. The only time I had alone with the baby where she wasn't in the way was when I was feeding (bottle) and there's no major play / interactive time there otherwise she won't feed.

It was kinda made worse by if I didn't pay the baby any attention she would back off but as soon as I interacted it was as if I wasn't allowed to and she needed to be the baby's centre of attention.

I didn't say anything on the weekend and when I came home I was so relieved to have some time so that the baby could look in my direction without another head in the way.

My partner facetimed earlier so thought I'd speak to him about it - he spent most of the weekend saying the words "just give me 2 minutes with her please!" To his daughter every time he interacted also so i thought he'd understand but he's fuming with me bringing it up.

I began the conversation saying "I'm not saying she's doing anything wrong as such but even you were complaining that she was in the baby's face 247" but he's still fuming saying he can't believe I'm saying this about a 9 year old and I get all the time in the world with the baby where she doesn't.

And I understand where he's coming from but this was our holiday also and it would have been nice to experience the holiday with the baby too without just being the feeder.

AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
Original poster
tamalams · 21/08/2022 23:18

@allboysherebutme I totally agree it will calm down I'm sure but AIBU to feel this way, when all weekend he's been telling her off during his interaction with the baby that she needs to give him 2 minutes? He's pissed off with me for wanting the same thing he's been pissed off with himself all weekend.

The dynamic right now means I don't feel like I can ask the child for space so I rely on him to have that conversation - which he can do for himself but finds it Unreasonable for me to feel exactly the same way he does

OP posts:
allboysherebutme · 21/08/2022 23:19

She was maybe more full on too as her sister wasn't there to play with. X

aSofaNearYou · 21/08/2022 23:20

You were all on holiday together. Sounds like you just wanted to complain about his child. I’d be furious if I were him too.

You're calling others toxic, but "furious" is a massively over dramatic way to feel about someone having a normal conversation about behaviour they found frustrating. If you cannot handle this because it is about your child, you are the toxic one.

Original poster
tamalams · 21/08/2022 23:27

@aSofaNearYou absolutely! Tough conversations need to be had when you have blended families which we aren't 100% yet not living together. My biggest problem with this all isn't the child but his invalidation of my feelings when all weekend that's been his gripe during his time with the baby.

How is it OK for him to say all weekend "stop getting in her face" or "let me have 2 minutes with the baby" during his time, but when I say I would have liked the same on the baby's first holiday I'm a monster.

OP posts:
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 21/08/2022 23:28

What did I tell you OP.

MN hates step parents.

Surprised you haven’t been asked if you’re the OW yet.

Nothing wrong at all with educating children about personal space. In fact I think it’s a very valuable lesson and at 9 it’s a lesson she will understand.

Honestly you’d think by these responses you were trying to ban DD from your lives. You just want her to recognise when it’s her time with the baby and when it’s your time! Perfectly reasonable.

Honestly this ‘poor children have been through so much, never ever ever EVER upset them’ attitude is doing a disservice to step kids who probably just want to be treated fucking normally. My parents split when I was a child and I hated the patronising arseholes who thought they needed to tiptoe round me, I just wanted to be considered normal not special and precious.

allboysherebutme · 21/08/2022 23:28

@tamalams he was telling her himself so he wasn't ignoring it, I think he probably just isn't ready for you to bring it up about his Childs behaviour, you don't live together as a family unit, so he's not ready for you to talk about things you feel are negative. X

Original poster
tamalams · 21/08/2022 23:31

@allboysherebutme very true! Although in the pod next to us there was a family with two girls that asked her to play so we were so happy for her! It didn't last very long for some reason and they refused to play with her for the rest of the trip, then mostly all she asked them every time they walked by was "do you want to see the baby?" And they made every excuse not to (why would they, they're not there to see a strangers baby ha!) so that was very short lived.

I thought tonight I could have spoken to my other half and ask him if we go away again if either a chat about personal boundaries could be had in a way that could make it seem all about her eg he could say to her to make it in to a game ok every time the baby needs changing means it's daddy / 9yo time a sort of funny challenge of how many rallies of tennis can they do during a nappy change?

That's all I really wanted was to see my babys face for 5 minutes uninterrupted so I could talk sing or make her smile

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 21/08/2022 23:34

I think this is a really significant event OP. He's showing you that you are not allowed any input to or criticism of his daughter. He may look to you to do some - or all - of the feeding and clothing her when you're together, but don't you dare utter the tiniest criticism. You can do the work, but everything else is on his terms.

the reason we have had to life apart is that she has previously spat multiple times at one of my other children, and it was creating a horrible living situation between my partner and I.

He's saying he will always put his DD first, but not in a good, loving way, rather a she will do as she wants and I expect you to put up with it way. If I were you I'd either dump him or keep him at arms' length with the relationship on a very superficial level.

Original poster
tamalams · 21/08/2022 23:36

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet yup!

My children are also step children (my ex is married to a lovely woman) and they're not hard done by at all. They're very happy children and have parents that get on even if they're separated. So there's no need for this 'step kids have gone through so much" stuff - they're loved by both parents and now step mums family too. Not a bad place to be having more family.

OP posts:
Original poster
tamalams · 21/08/2022 23:38

@Gymnopedie his reaction has been an eye opener because like you've said it's as if I can't say anything. After everything that's happened.

He can feel exactly the same way as I do about the weekend but if I voice that then I'm shut down. That's not a good place to be in I guess.

OP posts:
opalescent · 21/08/2022 23:48

Those of us with dc who go and stay with their dads dread thinking that our children are perceived in this way by new partners 😔.

She's a 9 year old, excited by her new baby sibling, and probably feeling insecure to boot. Try and have some compassion. You'll have plenty of time to interact with your baby 🙄

Also, it sounds like her dad was just defensive of his daughter- for the above reasons, probably.

opalescent · 21/08/2022 23:49

Imagine someone feeling this way about your newborn, 9 years from now? It's just sad.

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 21/08/2022 23:50

opalescent · 21/08/2022 23:49

Imagine someone feeling this way about your newborn, 9 years from now? It's just sad.

I'd be more worried about my child's behaviour..

opalescent · 21/08/2022 23:51

In what way? I'm genuinely baffled. Because the 9 year old was over enthusiastic about being around the baby?

RewildingAmbridge · 22/08/2022 00:05

The problem is attention seeking behaviour often comes from insecurity, so whilst it might be annoying to your DP he might be letting it pass, she may feel pushed out by the new baby, or unsure about what's happening as you two aren't living together anymore. Our doesn't make it less annoying, but he's being empathetic.
I think the row is probably rooted in your wider relationship problems.
Also seems a shame on a camping holiday there weren't more planned activities for the nice treat old and dad, other than tennis when the baby sleeps.
If he'd organised more she would've been busy and getting her wanted adult attention/reassurance.

RewildingAmbridge · 22/08/2022 00:06

*nine year old

Original poster
tamalams · 22/08/2022 00:07

@opalescent I have 2 other children that go to their dads 5050 and have a great Step mum. If one of them came home and said their dad had asked them to give them 5 minutes with their other children (which he has) on holiday I'd back up my ex as he and I always show a united front. The difference is my experience of my own children being step children is a really positive one where I get on with my ex and this would be spoken about between us all. I appreciate not all of MN has positive experiences in this way but my perspective is different I guess.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 22/08/2022 00:08

When you say 'his other daughter' in your OP, what child are you referring to?
The nine year old?
Her younger sister?
Another child?

How many children does this man have apart from the baby?
How many women are mothers to his children?

Gymnopedie · 22/08/2022 00:08

opalescent · 21/08/2022 23:51

In what way? I'm genuinely baffled. Because the 9 year old was over enthusiastic about being around the baby?

Did you miss this bit:

the reason we have had to life apart is that she has previously spat multiple times at one of my other children

This really doesn't sound like a child who is, in your words a 9 year old, excited by her new baby sibling, and probably feeling insecure to boot. Try and have some compassion.

This is a girl who is badly behaved and her father only gets involved when it impacts him.

Original poster
tamalams · 22/08/2022 00:13

@mathanxiety he has his 9 year old and a 6 year old by the same mum. Then the baby with myself

OP posts:
Original poster
tamalams · 22/08/2022 00:15

@Gymnopedie one of my friends said this exact sentence this evening that he only gets involved when it affects him! Word for word!

OP posts:
chocolatemademefat · 22/08/2022 01:42

It’s always better never to criticise someone else’s child because it never goes down well - no matter if it IS true. Enjoy having your baby to yourself at home and be choosy when and where you all spend time together.

Marvellousmadness · 22/08/2022 03:06

Yabu
Break up with the man
So youndont have to deal with his dd anymore

Funkyblues101 · 22/08/2022 03:38

tamalams · 21/08/2022 22:50

@thelittleapple this is the problem maybe because I would happily tell my own children to give me and the baby some space, and my partner did tell her during his time with the baby but didn't tell get during my time with the baby. It's not her fault as I've said, but my partner finds it Unreasonable for me to feel this way, when it's not unreasonable for him to feel this way.

I'm at a loss as to why you feel unable to speak to a 9 year old girl who is on holiday with you in one room accommodation about behaviour. It is totally bizarre.

Funkyblues101 · 22/08/2022 03:41

Oh, and it sounds like an incredibly dull holiday for a 9 year old as well. All focused around the baby.