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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some people are inherently jealous?

84 replies

PoppingBubbbles · 20/08/2022 23:39

Even if they are doing better in life (on paper) they still feel jealous over what’s happening in your life?

OP posts:
DelurkingAJ · 20/08/2022 23:43

I think that if you have grown up in a secure environment (financially, emotionally etc) then you are much less likely to be jealous of others if you yourself have sufficient security because you take it for granted.

If you can’t take it for granted, maybe because you grew up always having to consider the pennies…then I can see that it’s possible that whatever you have might never seem enough, even if on the face of it you are now secure.

Might that be what you’re seeing?

Sometimeswinning · 20/08/2022 23:43

Some people may assume others are jealous of them. Do you have an example?

Forestgate · 20/08/2022 23:45

I agree OP. Grass is greener/ keeping up with Jones' etc

WisteriaHysteria22 · 20/08/2022 23:48

Oh God yes, we have/had a friend like that. I might come back go into detail to give context if I have time but yes OP. I say had as I have slowly distanced my self from her over and since Covid and moving quite far away due to work, I’ve noticed that perhaps others in our wider circle are doing the same.

This person has (on paper) such a great life now but that’s not good enough if you’re also having a great life on your terms. They’re so alpha and just can’t stand anyone else having/doing anything.

MyMumSaysALot · 21/08/2022 00:03

I had a friend who was all-around negative, not only with me. She just couldn’t be happy for anyone.
She criticised my haircuts, clothes, grades, choices in boys - you name it. And still I remained friends with her - I don’t know why.
I left our small town for uni and that was that. I made new friends who never criticised me unless I asked for honest opinions.
She’s still in our home town. I don’t know if she has any friends or whether she’s improved her outlook, but I look back and feel sort of sorry for her. I’ve never reached out, but neither has she.

TypeMite · 21/08/2022 00:04

Well insecurity breeds jealousy

And some people are never able to stop feeling insecure so sure

MummySaidBeKindAlways · 21/08/2022 00:14

This reply has been deleted

The OP is a troll.

milkyaqua · 21/08/2022 01:15

Strictly speaking, you are talking about being envious. Envy is somehow harder to admit to than jealousy, so people will say they are "jealous" of this and that. But it is envy. And envy is quite insidious and often malicious. Hence the evil eye for protection against the envy and ill-will of others...

Sparkleofstsrdust · 21/08/2022 01:17

milkyaqua · 21/08/2022 01:15

Strictly speaking, you are talking about being envious. Envy is somehow harder to admit to than jealousy, so people will say they are "jealous" of this and that. But it is envy. And envy is quite insidious and often malicious. Hence the evil eye for protection against the envy and ill-will of others...

You must be fun at parties.

milkyaqua · 21/08/2022 01:20

Sparkleofstsrdust · 21/08/2022 01:17

You must be fun at parties.

Show quote history

Thank you for your excellent contribution to this thread.

SarahDippity · 21/08/2022 01:24

I think I’m an envious/jealous person. It motivates me to succeed but makes me very hard on myself. I always feel I could be achieving more and secretly compare myself as if it’s a competition, and try to figure out what has made others more successful than me. I’m from a big family and felt somewhat under-recognised as a child. I married a high achiever who was very successful (now divorced.) it’s probably my worst characteristic. I am fairly successful career-wise now (after a deep drop when I was a SAHM and for a few years after) but it’s never really left me. I recognise it as a negative trait.

Googlecanthelpme · 21/08/2022 07:52

Yes. I have a “friend” who cannot really be happy for people. On a surface level she will be, especially if it’s for people she’s not really close to, work colleagues and hobby acquaintances etc. so she makes this public show to others that she’s happy and part of the celebration but it’s all for show.

Anyone she’s close to in her life, she always finds a way to demerit what they are doing, what their successes are, their relationships etc. Its not always outright and direct, she’ll do things like skim over the conversation, not give any real reply, give very blase replies. It’s almost as if she’ll just ignore things which aren’t of interest to her (because she’s jealous and doesn’t want to give it her attention)

She does really enjoy when shit things happen to other people, I don’t think she’s malicious or nasty but I do think insecurity and awareness that her own life is far from rosy stops her being able to celebrate others much.

it must be a sad place to exist. Being so unhappy with one’s self that you see others peoples happiness as a threat.

missbunnyrabbit · 21/08/2022 08:07

I'm a jealous person and it's from deep rooted insecurity in my case. I never say anything bad to people, and wouldn't dream of trying to insult others to make myself feel better! But inside my head, everything is a competition and I wish I was doing better in it!

It's a really sad way to live and means I won't ever be happy!

cormorant5 · 21/08/2022 09:20

Twice in my life I have been driven to extremes about relationships. The first time I had such a feeling of being - left out - of a group. It always seemed that the rest always waited for one of two 'leaders' to decide on which pub or where for a walk...whatever. That hurt.
The second time was a lover who tried two timing me with another. We had such a lovely relationship up to then. Did I rant and rage? Did I cause a fuss? Had to move away from that village.
Never jealous about money or success in career. Easy come, easy go. We have been poor, letter from bank about not paying mortgage. We worked through it.
We have two children who grew into splendid adults.

gunnersgold · 21/08/2022 09:36

Yes 100%! And insecure and paranoid

Insecure women are dangerous in my experience . They pretend to be your friend and then secretly take you down. ! 🙄

KimberleyClark · 21/08/2022 10:08

Sparkleofstsrdust · 21/08/2022 01:17

You must be fun at parties.

Show quote history

milkyaqua is correct though. Envy is the emotion of coveting what someone else has, while jealousy is the emotion related to fear that something you have will be taken away by someone else.

tiger2691 · 21/08/2022 10:10

I've always though jealousy is an inbuilt thing with some people, like depression and anxiety.

anotherpotoftea · 21/08/2022 10:11

I think there’s two parts to this. How you feel, and how you behave towards others.

Whyareyouasking · 21/08/2022 10:13

That’s most posters on MN to be fair. If you’ve a half decent standard of living which you have studied many years for, then you’re terrible and should earn the NMW alongside those who didn’t.

Own a half decent house, take a holiday abroad. Then you must be a Spad or whatever the latest insult is. I would say technically it is envy.

KettrickenSmiled · 21/08/2022 10:17

DelurkingAJ · 20/08/2022 23:43

I think that if you have grown up in a secure environment (financially, emotionally etc) then you are much less likely to be jealous of others if you yourself have sufficient security because you take it for granted.

If you can’t take it for granted, maybe because you grew up always having to consider the pennies…then I can see that it’s possible that whatever you have might never seem enough, even if on the face of it you are now secure.

Might that be what you’re seeing?

That's all based on an assumption that jealously is rational though @DelurkingAJ.

I've known some very wealthy people who were racked with jealousy. Could not bear anyone to 'outdo' them, proper oneupmanship stuff.

I also know plenty of cash-poor people who happily rub shoulders with much better-off chums - without a jot of jealousy.

Also - jealousy isn't confined to material things.
People can be jealous of personal traits, looks, athletic ability ... anything!

EmeraldShamrock1 · 21/08/2022 10:19

Yes it is in their nature.

I have two people who've done very well in life and yet they hate to see anyone doing well or achieving something.

One upgrades her car as soon as a colleague or neighbour buys something flashy she will follow.

The other a family member never has a kind word just for the sake of it, if it isn't it to her standard she won't comment, if it is she wants to know how you done it or where you bought it, so she can have/do the same.

It's annoying as fuck.

LunchBoxPolice · 21/08/2022 10:19

I’m a very envious person and I hate it. I’m naturally insecure and negative and while I do my best to not ever voice my feelings, I can’t stop thinking them. I’ve listened to audiobooks on letting go of negativity etc but still I find myself unhappy.

ThighMistress · 21/08/2022 10:21

A truly jealous (or envious if you like!) nature is a terrible thing. It causes a person to wish others were miserable/unsuccessful and downright unhappy. I have a family member like this: there was no discernible cause, they were like this from the word go.

Sometimes people can mask their jealousy. I had a friend who was always ready with a super-smiley subtle put down. Eg the last time I saw her she said in front of others, “Ooh, Thighs, don’t you look sweet with your matching little accessories!” Now, not on the face of it mean, but after many years I finally was getting it.

Angelinflipflops · 21/08/2022 10:21

It's definitely overused as an insult on mumsnet if you don't agree with a particular lifestyle choice

EmeraldShamrock1 · 21/08/2022 10:24

@LunchBoxPolice At least you're aware of it and trying to understand and change.
Always remember that you have more than many people "Jealously is the thief of joy".