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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some people are inherently jealous?

84 replies

PoppingBubbbles · 20/08/2022 23:39

Even if they are doing better in life (on paper) they still feel jealous over what’s happening in your life?

OP posts:
lickenchugget · 21/08/2022 10:24

Absolutely, it’s an intrinsic character trait in some people.

Very hard to be around.

Bananasalad · 21/08/2022 10:29

I think we can all feel envious at some point in our lives to a degree.
I think people that are notably envious ( of everything) have other unmet needs, that are manifesting as envy. Its just easier for them to convince themselves that if they have xyz they will feel happy, it's a distraction from their real pain, that's why they're never happy even when they get what they covet.

caulescens · 21/08/2022 10:30

I've got a colleague like this and I think she's aware of it too and fights it.

I think she is particularly competitive with me (we do get on well and have the most in common in our team), despite being more accomplished than me is practically every way! Once you've seen it, it is hard to un see it. She has to be best. I try to find it amusing.

Jibbajabba1 · 21/08/2022 10:30

It’s sad how it can destroy relationships- have had this as reoccurring issue with my mums very toxic family. Even when going through the most difficult period of my life, endured constant one up man ships, passive aggression and secret competitions (of which they were the only participants). Only way to escape is to go NC, and the weirdest part, I don’t even think they have enough real self awareness to realise it’s all stemmed from their own unprocessed envy, which manifests as covert sabotaging. Whilst it’s plain as day to everyone else, including the wider family (who all avoid them too). And yup to the poster mentioning the prevalence of 🧿 🪬 evil eye protectors across many cultures, people everywhere have always understood how corrosive this trait is to a community as a whole.

TravellingSpoon · 21/08/2022 10:34

Mt Step-Dad is like this. He is jealous of anyone he precieves is doing better than he, and in order to manage those feelings, he becomes critical and mean and will verbally trash anyone and anything in order to 'bring them down'.

He is a twat, and has lost almost all of what is good in his life because of it.

SonSonSon · 21/08/2022 10:44

I’m an envious person. Hate it, I’m very insecure & it means sometimes I can’t be genuinely happy for the people I love who deserve things. Makes me feel like an awful person!!
I don’t show it (or try my hardest not too). It’s a toxic character flaw & I wish I wasn’t like this.
On the plus, I am not judgemental in the slightest & certainly wouldn’t try to tear anybody down!

specialsauce101 · 21/08/2022 10:56

missbunnyrabbit · 21/08/2022 08:07

I'm a jealous person and it's from deep rooted insecurity in my case. I never say anything bad to people, and wouldn't dream of trying to insult others to make myself feel better! But inside my head, everything is a competition and I wish I was doing better in it!

It's a really sad way to live and means I won't ever be happy!

I hear you.

U2HasTheEdge · 21/08/2022 11:19

I'm not that often envious. I love seeing people doing well and being happy etc.

Jealously is different, it is worrying that someone is trying to take what you have (jealously requires 3 parties)

I am prone to jealously. I know why and where it comes from, but it's hard to overcome.

5128gap · 21/08/2022 11:24

Life, particularly family life, can be very hard and disappointing. The 'reward' for this is to feel you are doing it well. People tend to measure how well they're doing by comparison to others, so you get competition and jealousy.
If you are ever lucky enough to reach a point where your life is sufficiently happy and rewarding, these feelings fade.
So no, I wouldn't say its a personality trait, as much as a response to the level of satisfaction you have with your life at the time, which can be circumstantial as much as a mindset.

Oddsocks55 · 21/08/2022 11:28

I once won a voucher in a conpetition. I told my "friend" who told various other people that I hadn't deserved to win it because we have plenty of money and that it should have gone to someone more worthy.
I think she meant herself. Even though she couldn't have entered the competition as it was only open for people who worked in my industry. But she hated that I had won something that she hadn't. She couldn't just be happy for me.
That was one of many, many instances over 8 years.

OhGoodnessItsSoExhausting · 21/08/2022 11:31

I personally don't think you can help feeling jealous. Just like you can't help feeling angry. However, it's how you manage it that's important.

I often feel jealous of my brother. I was raised in a v disfunctional.family in which I was (as the youngest 🤷 and only girl) expected to please my brother's, protect them and put myself last. My brother was the golden boy. He has grown up very selfish and thinking himself superior. However, he also has many many good points. He's loved by everyone, charismatic, has an incredible job (which he's annoyingly modest about!! involves meeting all kinds of celebs), he has a lovely arty wife, a cute arty house in central London, they have a super smart, confident and arty son who he has opened doors for in the show biz world and will be going to some arty expensive private school.

My life is v ordinary. I'm very happy. Wonderful husband and childre, but we are just ordinary. My children go to state school. We aren't quirky or arty or in showbiz. I do get jealous of his showbiz arty life. When I catch myself feeling this way I try and contain it, talk to DH who assures me there is nothing to be jealous of etc...

I don't think jealousy can be helped, but we can try and catch it and manage it. I'd never try and bring others down for example. And with my brother, I try and be happy for him and would never try and ruin things for him. It's great he has this great life, but yes, I do feel jealous. Doesn't make me a bad person.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 21/08/2022 11:31

I have a friend who suffers from envy. I have seen her burst into tears when she heard that another friend had been appointed to a good job. It is horrible for her and she can't stop being like this. Envy is a deep seated trait which causes the sufferer much misery and is not easily overcome.

Grumpypants78 · 21/08/2022 11:32

DelurkingAJ · 20/08/2022 23:43

I think that if you have grown up in a secure environment (financially, emotionally etc) then you are much less likely to be jealous of others if you yourself have sufficient security because you take it for granted.

If you can’t take it for granted, maybe because you grew up always having to consider the pennies…then I can see that it’s possible that whatever you have might never seem enough, even if on the face of it you are now secure.

Might that be what you’re seeing?

This describes my SIL perfectly!

bloodyplanes · 21/08/2022 11:34

Both jealousy and envy are born out of insecurity.

Poptart4 · 21/08/2022 11:37

I think there are alot of unhappy people in this world and if your not happy with your own life then you cant be happy for anyone else.

I know a woman who, on paper, had it all. Big house, good career, husband, kids, financially secure.. but she was a massive bitch for years and poured scorn on everyone elses good news, always a bitchy comment. Afew years ago she divorced her husband and is now happy in another relationship. She recently admitted that she was aware how mean she was but unbeknownst to anyone else she was miserable in her marriage. Seeing other people happy made her jealous so she lashed out. She actually apologised to me for a few things she'd done.

When your genuinely happy with your own life, you've no reason to be jealous of other people.

Sparklypant · 21/08/2022 11:39

I think so yes, it’s very sad for them, I’ve seen it on here a lot, jealousy over looks, figure, job, earnings, children, house, possessions, . The lot.

my take is it’s based on a deep seated unhappiness about one’s own lot and it’s a deeply unpleasant pitiful character trait for all concerned. From the person suffering to those on the receiving end. Those suffering think others don’t know but they do, you can see it from the look on their face, to their words even when trying to hide it.

bloodyplanes · 21/08/2022 11:44

I have a relative who is very jealous and monitors every interaction in the family to ensure that they are not missing out or treated differently in any way. They have to be " perfect" in every single way, perfect house, perfect kids, perfect life etc. They can make life very difficult for others if they perceive that you are in any way receiving more money, attention etc. ultimately though they are the ones that suffer through this behaviour as they are often not told things ( to avoid a massive fuss) or moaned about behind their backs or just generally avoided.

ClottedCreamAndStrawberries · 21/08/2022 11:57

My ex-friend was always like this and it got very wearing. We actually fell out about something else but, looking back, the constant jealousy from her was hard to deal with too.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 21/08/2022 12:04

Agree. And I'm going to sound stealth braggy now but I don't really care. I have one cousin and several other people that I know, (acquaintances and work colleagues et cetera,) - who have sons only - who have been really bitterly jealous that I've got a daughter ...(coz THEY wanted one.) The comments have varied from 'it's not fair why can't I ever get a baby girl?' to really nasty disparaging comments about girls and daughters ....... they're obviously projecting.

Also a couple of my extended-family members were quite scathing and catty because my daughter is the only one out of 13 'second cousins' (children of me and my first cousins,) to go to university. The jealousy was fierce and some comments were pure spite. I think 'how pathetic it's really not that hard to go to university these days.'

I've also got a friend who although she's been quite a good friend for the last 25 years (and she doesn't realise she's doing it) is quite jealous that I live in a little cottage in the countryside. She lives in a new build on a big estate in a big town that she pays almost £1000 a month rent for. Me and DH have got our little cottage in the countryside and it's is paid for ... We got it at a reasonable price and did it up. Pleasant enough person but she makes little snide underhand remarks that makes it clear she's jealous.

Also when I was much younger (and I promise I'm not Samantha brick,) there were a couple of women at work - not much older maybe four to eight years older - who were be really really jealous of me when I was in my 20s/early 30s .. I looked like Samantha Fox blonde hair, big boobs, nice legs et cetera and they didn't like it and I got a lot of attention from men (which I didn't actually enjoy!) but they were so jealous and so spiteful behind my back.

Then there were a couple of work colleagues of my husbands (and mine) they were really jealous when we got our new car a couple of years ago . It was not a freaking Lamborghini - just a Vauxhall Astra - a sporty red one - but the jealousy from a couple of people has been frightful.

I can honestly say I've never actually been jealous of anybody ... a little envious of very rich people who will never EVER have to worry about money... like I think 'I wish I had massive great mansion with 500 acres of land and a couple million pound in bank' but not jealous.

There's a difference ......... envy is thinking 'I wish I had it...' Jealousy is thinking 'I wish you didn't have it.'

I have NEVER been jealous of anyone, as I have always been happy with what I have.

Cam22 · 21/08/2022 12:14

milkyaqua · 21/08/2022 01:20

Thank you for your excellent contribution to this thread.

Show quote history

Sounds like an envious person.

barbrahunter · 21/08/2022 12:17

I used to be friendly-ish with another mother from the school, and her whole life seemed to be about envying other people, specifically other mothers at the school. Maybe she befriended me because I was so obviously poor and struggling. She also decided that she was actually superior to others, and she deserved to be rich and successful in her opinion.

God, she was a pita. Every sentence she uttered contained some scathing comment about some perfectly nice woman who happened to own a nice house or a nice car.

I sort of decided that her jealousy must be to do with her upbringing.

Cam22 · 21/08/2022 12:18

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 21/08/2022 12:04

Agree. And I'm going to sound stealth braggy now but I don't really care. I have one cousin and several other people that I know, (acquaintances and work colleagues et cetera,) - who have sons only - who have been really bitterly jealous that I've got a daughter ...(coz THEY wanted one.) The comments have varied from 'it's not fair why can't I ever get a baby girl?' to really nasty disparaging comments about girls and daughters ....... they're obviously projecting.

Also a couple of my extended-family members were quite scathing and catty because my daughter is the only one out of 13 'second cousins' (children of me and my first cousins,) to go to university. The jealousy was fierce and some comments were pure spite. I think 'how pathetic it's really not that hard to go to university these days.'

I've also got a friend who although she's been quite a good friend for the last 25 years (and she doesn't realise she's doing it) is quite jealous that I live in a little cottage in the countryside. She lives in a new build on a big estate in a big town that she pays almost £1000 a month rent for. Me and DH have got our little cottage in the countryside and it's is paid for ... We got it at a reasonable price and did it up. Pleasant enough person but she makes little snide underhand remarks that makes it clear she's jealous.

Also when I was much younger (and I promise I'm not Samantha brick,) there were a couple of women at work - not much older maybe four to eight years older - who were be really really jealous of me when I was in my 20s/early 30s .. I looked like Samantha Fox blonde hair, big boobs, nice legs et cetera and they didn't like it and I got a lot of attention from men (which I didn't actually enjoy!) but they were so jealous and so spiteful behind my back.

Then there were a couple of work colleagues of my husbands (and mine) they were really jealous when we got our new car a couple of years ago . It was not a freaking Lamborghini - just a Vauxhall Astra - a sporty red one - but the jealousy from a couple of people has been frightful.

I can honestly say I've never actually been jealous of anybody ... a little envious of very rich people who will never EVER have to worry about money... like I think 'I wish I had massive great mansion with 500 acres of land and a couple million pound in bank' but not jealous.

There's a difference ......... envy is thinking 'I wish I had it...' Jealousy is thinking 'I wish you didn't have it.'

I have NEVER been jealous of anyone, as I have always been happy with what I have.

Gosh. Glad you got that off your chest.
😳

PaddleBoardingMomma · 21/08/2022 12:21

I knew someone who was wildly envious of everything and everyone. She had a pretty terrible upbringing and always thought she had to prove herself, but her modus operandi was to bring others down rather than elevate herself, until eventually that didn’t work anymore as people grew wise to her sabotaging those around her.

In the end she tried to make others envious of her life, she got herself into massive amounts of debt by choosing to buy the expensive handbag rather than pay her rent. The weekend luxury hotel break over buying her kids school uniforms, some ridiculous looking designer hat over the fortnightly food shop.

In a lot of ways I was heartbreakingly sad for her, I tried and tried to guide her away from her behaviour. She would post on Instagram on a Friday of being in some fancy restaurant and a photo of the £180 bill. Then she would be voice messaging me on the Monday in tears because her internet direct debit bounced and she has no oil in the heating tank and the kids are cold.

Eventually I gave up and severed ties. It was only afterwards that I heard about the things she would say about me, I was pretentious, I was a show off, and the funniest, it was ME trying to compete with her.

She’s the reason I wear my 🪬 necklace and have the 🧿 suncatcher hanging in my window!

Some people will always be the source of their own crushing feelings of unhappiness.

PaddleBoardingMomma · 21/08/2022 12:23

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 21/08/2022 12:04

Agree. And I'm going to sound stealth braggy now but I don't really care. I have one cousin and several other people that I know, (acquaintances and work colleagues et cetera,) - who have sons only - who have been really bitterly jealous that I've got a daughter ...(coz THEY wanted one.) The comments have varied from 'it's not fair why can't I ever get a baby girl?' to really nasty disparaging comments about girls and daughters ....... they're obviously projecting.

Also a couple of my extended-family members were quite scathing and catty because my daughter is the only one out of 13 'second cousins' (children of me and my first cousins,) to go to university. The jealousy was fierce and some comments were pure spite. I think 'how pathetic it's really not that hard to go to university these days.'

I've also got a friend who although she's been quite a good friend for the last 25 years (and she doesn't realise she's doing it) is quite jealous that I live in a little cottage in the countryside. She lives in a new build on a big estate in a big town that she pays almost £1000 a month rent for. Me and DH have got our little cottage in the countryside and it's is paid for ... We got it at a reasonable price and did it up. Pleasant enough person but she makes little snide underhand remarks that makes it clear she's jealous.

Also when I was much younger (and I promise I'm not Samantha brick,) there were a couple of women at work - not much older maybe four to eight years older - who were be really really jealous of me when I was in my 20s/early 30s .. I looked like Samantha Fox blonde hair, big boobs, nice legs et cetera and they didn't like it and I got a lot of attention from men (which I didn't actually enjoy!) but they were so jealous and so spiteful behind my back.

Then there were a couple of work colleagues of my husbands (and mine) they were really jealous when we got our new car a couple of years ago . It was not a freaking Lamborghini - just a Vauxhall Astra - a sporty red one - but the jealousy from a couple of people has been frightful.

I can honestly say I've never actually been jealous of anybody ... a little envious of very rich people who will never EVER have to worry about money... like I think 'I wish I had massive great mansion with 500 acres of land and a couple million pound in bank' but not jealous.

There's a difference ......... envy is thinking 'I wish I had it...' Jealousy is thinking 'I wish you didn't have it.'

I have NEVER been jealous of anyone, as I have always been happy with what I have.

Erm… ok?

Bit awkward…

barbrahunter · 21/08/2022 12:27

I have felt jealousy when my partner at the time had an affair, and also when my other ex paid more attention to another woman than he did to me. It was a truly terrible feeling, it ate me up each time.
Now, I feel like no man could ever stir jealousy in me again. Not sure if that's a good thing or not.

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