To think divorce is sometimes unfair to the higher earner?

[MirrorM]

I went to see a solicitor and they told me I'm in an awful position. I have worked my arse off, doubled my salary in 4 years and set for another promotion in a few months. I bought a flat years ago, did it up and sold it for a big profit (before meeting DH) and put all the profit into our family home (joint mortgage)

DH has halved his salary in the same time period. He wants to be a 'house husband' and spends a lot of his time telling me to 'push myself' and asking what I can do to earn more.

I didn't mind, thought it could work quite well, but he hasn't picked up any of the house or childcare stuff. And just sleeps and sits around and goes to the pub. We pay for childcare even on his days off so he can 'do house things, find other work, clean' but he doesn't do anything of the sort. I have talked to him about it. he gets grumpy.

Anyway - the solicitor told me that basically he could end up with quite a bit more than 50% of the house because he'd struggle to get mortgage on his salary for a 3 bed house - so will need a much bigger deposit to buy a house suitable for the kids

And lawyer told me that I can expect 50/50 with DC (they are v little) but DH could go for more as the kids get older, he coudl easily argue that I have much less and it makes more sense.

If he got more than 50/50, I could end up losing my house and kids.

I obviously think it's fair if the woman has sacrificed her career to look after kids for her to get a 50% share etc, but what if you're the higher earner AND look after the kids and home. Is it really fair I have invested in my career and our home and he's done FA and I end up worse off than him???

I have to stay with him don't i? There is no abuse. I just don't love him. He's like a lazy difficult teenage son moping around my house while I get on with everything.

I have no legal knowledge but could you do a few things like maybe buy a 3 bed property to rent near by while your assets are combined. Then when things are split it's reasonable to ask him to move in there.

it's fair if either one of you has sacrificed their career to look after kids for them to get a 50% share etc, but he is royally taking the piss.

I'd pay a solicitor who specialises in this area to advise. You need a second opinion I think.

If he is not in fact doing the child care and you can prove this with childcare expenses then he'd have a hard time claiming to be a sahp surely?

Stop paying for childcare on his days off then.

Paperwork is your friend.

I don’t get it, why would he get more that 50/50 custody?

You need a better solicitor. Get a second opinion and plough on. It sounds like your life with be infinitely for the better with him out of it, you have to hold on to that. We only get to live once.

You pay for childcare, so that should prove he is not a stay at home parent reliant on your income

I definitely agree with see more than one solicitor I had some absolutely shit advice off one, The one I ended up representing me wasn’t a lot better but they were slightly.

you don’t actually need them to do the paperwork or even represent you in court but you do need to take their advice write everything down and follow it.

The problem is not that you are the higher earned. It’s that your H Is not contributing in a meaningful way to the relationship.

The solicitor has given you a “what could happen” scenario. My view from what you have written is that your H will have no interest in being a parent and you will have the DC all the time within a year of your divorce.
Yes he will get a substantial portion of the joint assets. But the assets will continue to grow over time.

In your shoes I’d get on with the divorce now. If the kids are only little then he’s less likely to want to care for them. Your pension is a marital asset. Better off losing part of it now rather than in 10 years. Ending it now gives you time to rebuild your life.

Perhaps seek a few other opinions from solicitors and also ask about the scenario in 10 years time do you can compare.

I knew someone in your position - the woman wasn't a high earner by MN standards but he got residence of their child and she had to pay to support him. Despite the fact that he'd been a waster his whole life.

This sounds very similar to what blokes post online when grumbling about the likely outcomes of an impending divorce.

Does it actually though because I don’t know any women who are stay at home moms and don’t actually do the cleaning or indeed the childcare, do you ?

That’s what marriage is. If you don’t want that risk then don’t marry.

It does indeed.

I don’t know any women who are stay at home moms and don’t actually do the cleaning or indeed the childcare, do you ?

Actually, yes, similar accusations about laziness, leaving the kids with her Mum, the state of the house etc. It's often irrelevant to the divorce, except perhaps in judging who is the primary carer.

My useless alcoholic uncle still enjoys a share of my lovely aunts civil service pension. Yup, divorce is great if you are a useless waster, sucks if you are a worker.

Yes definitely, and especially if the higher earner is a woman but has maintained the more traditional gender role of housekeeper/default carer of children, at least when around, which is often the case.

I was in a very similar position to you except, to be fair to my ex, he was quite a decent sahd when the dc were very little. However, he had not given up any career to do that and was making it very clear he had no intention of bringing money in once the dc were at school.

I was quite lucky in that when we split (his decision - affair) we had very little in the way of assets as we'd just moved to a bigger house so there wasn't much equity. The only other asset was my pension, which he didn't want. My solicitor said that as there was so little equity a judge wouldn't force a sale as ex would have had no chance of getting a mortgage due to lack of job/terrible credit history. However, had there been loads of equity we'd probably have had to sell, which would have been a nightmare. As it was I bought him out with the maximum I could borrow at the time and have to give him a further £10k for his share when ds2 is 21 in 8 years. That's fine, but what does piss me off is that he has paid no CMS by not working/doing ad hoc shit since we split, so I feel I will subsidise him forever, really.

He could have gone for rp or whatever it's called now but he didn't want to. He did try and insist on having them 50% of all holidays despite me being a teacher and having agreed to work f/t while they were babies knowing I would have the holidays. He had me in tears at the mediator over that one but in reality has never had them in the holidays any more than he does in term time, except for 2 weeks away his dm has paid for in an 8 year period. I expect it will be the same for you as if he can't be arsed now it's not likely he will change. I think the system is set up to imply that whoever is the breadwinner must have had a slightly lesser role in the home and when that's not the case it can feel really unfair. Really unfair.

You won't lose your kids - you do everything for them and they will realise that easily as they grow older. Definitely see another solicitor and get rid of him. Even if you do end up out of pocket, which you will, and have to go through some tough times, it will be so worth it not to be dragging that dead weight around the dc will be able to see a clear contrast between the two of you, rather than maybe wondering why you enabled him when they are older.

I think this pretty sums up marriage. It's all about trust & sacrifice. I were in your very same situation if we decided to get a divorce early on in our marriage. Now my dh is taking home 7 figures
Marriage is a risk but for most people the best thing ever happened to them

I'm so sorry that it has not worked out for you but don't ever give up your search for happiness

I were in your very same situation if we decided to get a divorce early on in our marriage. Now my dh is taking home 7 figures

Your husband halved his salary in four years, wanted to be a househusband, did absolutely nothing around the house, used childcare on his days off and is now earning a million a year?

You may lose out in the short-term but you're a grafter, have a high income and are looking at promotion. There's no reason you can't divorce and put yourself back into a great position financially. Might be worth holding off on accepting the promotion if that's possible until you divorce.

You'd be silly to stay just because he will take some of the assets - which he will need to give the kids a decent time when they're with him.

I think you need to think of it as what the CHILDREN need. He gets money for a house yes, but that's because the children need somewhere to stay when they're with him.

The paid childcare surely means he can't argue he's a SAHD when he's not actually looking after them. And would be even want >50% if he can't be arsed to look after them now? That's what I'd fight for, the children to not be with him more than needed.

Divorce, suck up the split, and you can move on free of this lazy gobshite.

I have to stay with him don't i?
No you do not, YABU to think you do. Cut your losses. 50/50 now is much less than what 50/50 will be in x years time. After divorce, he will be expected to find work and support himself. No judge is going to rule that you have to keep him in the lap of luxury for life. To be fair, many women didn’t “sacrifice their career” plenty of them have sat at home and done nothing but run up credit cards. Yes divorce is unfair to the higher earner, but the sooner you make a clean break the better off you will be.

@houseonthehill I do cleaning and kid admin in between meetings. The kids go to nursery more than they need to because he is verging on the neglectful (forgetting dinner, getting absorbed in computer games), he forwards me emails from his own mother in the hope I'll reply. We agreed he take more of a house husband role and go down to a couple of days a week and yet he barely goes into work, and chills the rest of the time. I promise this isn't like some entitled husband complaining his wife hasn't done the dusting.

You might not.

But he sees himself as a "modern man" and modern dad because he "supports his wife to pursue her dreams"

Supporting his wife = telling me to get promoted so we can afford this and that while still expecting me to clean the loo.