To think divorce is sometimes unfair to the higher earner?

[MirrorM]

I went to see a solicitor and they told me I'm in an awful position. I have worked my arse off, doubled my salary in 4 years and set for another promotion in a few months. I bought a flat years ago, did it up and sold it for a big profit (before meeting DH) and put all the profit into our family home (joint mortgage)

DH has halved his salary in the same time period. He wants to be a 'house husband' and spends a lot of his time telling me to 'push myself' and asking what I can do to earn more.

I didn't mind, thought it could work quite well, but he hasn't picked up any of the house or childcare stuff. And just sleeps and sits around and goes to the pub. We pay for childcare even on his days off so he can 'do house things, find other work, clean' but he doesn't do anything of the sort. I have talked to him about it. he gets grumpy.

Anyway - the solicitor told me that basically he could end up with quite a bit more than 50% of the house because he'd struggle to get mortgage on his salary for a 3 bed house - so will need a much bigger deposit to buy a house suitable for the kids

And lawyer told me that I can expect 50/50 with DC (they are v little) but DH could go for more as the kids get older, he coudl easily argue that I have much less and it makes more sense.

If he got more than 50/50, I could end up losing my house and kids.

I obviously think it's fair if the woman has sacrificed her career to look after kids for her to get a 50% share etc, but what if you're the higher earner AND look after the kids and home. Is it really fair I have invested in my career and our home and he's done FA and I end up worse off than him???

I have to stay with him don't i? There is no abuse. I just don't love him. He's like a lazy difficult teenage son moping around my house while I get on with everything.

He won’t want them 50-50.

Do not stay with him.

In your scenario I’d just offer him 10 grand to sling his hook. If he’s not working you’ll be able to do to him exactly what my ex did to me and utilise the fact that he won’t be able to afford to Solicitor.

honestly I advise every women to marry to protect themselves except high earners/rich woman. In order to protect yourself don't marry.

I'm also a bit hypocritical as I have no problem with a SAHM getting 50/50 in the divorce but if I was the high earner & the SAHD wanted 50/50 they can feck right off.

he is verging on the neglectful (forgetting dinner, getting absorbed in computer games)

IANAL but surely this counts against him in awarding custody? If he's forgetting to feed them? How old are they, are they safe while he's absorbed in gaming?

Agree with PP that it's better to split the assets before they grow any bigger...and before harm is done to the children.

Never mind his personal narrative. Ignore it, means nothing, not your problem. Look to what's best for you and your kids. This isn't it.

This happened to my MIL. She raised 4 kids while working and her ex did FA (didn't work and was in bed all day) for maybe 15 years (supposed to be raising the kids after losing his job but my MIL did the earning, cooking, cleaning and childcare). In the end, she remortgaged her house and gave him £110k (this was over 10 years ago before the prices of London terraces really exploded and the house was probably undervalued too). She said that while it was painful as she was on a low income, she felt it was worth it in the long run as it was 1 payout rather than her having to support him for the rest of her life

She kept the house (he wanted her to sell it and downsize with 4 kids in local schools!). He never paid a penny in child support despite the youngest being 10; my DH was 18 when the divorce came through. He has moved overseas with the 110k and now has a new wife. Didn't come to any of his kids' weddings. I have only met him once and so have his children since he left.. he only came back as his parents paid for him to see his mum one last time. He didn't want to pay for youngest daughter to visit him either

I think it was really unfair.

He’s a disrespectful lazy twat

get a good lawyer and leave

it’s annoying but leave now while they’re small, he’ll be expected to work and the longer you leave it the worse it’ll be

You are better off divorcing in the long run OP. However, get your ducks in a row - stop paying for childcare and make life less comfortable for him. This may encourage a return to full time work.

Could you drop down a day for a period of time to reduce the disparity in incomes until after the divorce? So you are both part time?

@ReneBumsWombats I did say this to the solicitor and he said I could get social services involved if I thought they're in danger. I don't really. He does bare minium parenting. He will give them his phoen so he can play video games but he will keep a vague eye on them. with dinner...I finish work and ask what they've had for dinner and he says "oh I haven't done that yet" and it's 6.30pm and they need to go to bed in 30 mins. But he'd do it if I wasn't coming home. I bloody hope he would anyway. So it's not dangerous, but they're better off at nursery

No, OP shouldn't stop the childcare if she wants the dc 50/50 or more - she doesn't want him to actually provably be looking after the dc more than she does.

If anything, she should start doing more of the pick-ups, but definitely keep the childcare going.

Your solicitor sounds a bit shit if she's telling you to give him 50% of everything. I think you need to find a solicitor that will emphasise the fact that you are doing everything and his contribution is minimal. He hasn't really supported you in your career and unless it's been a particularly long marriage 50% of everything is a big ask.

The way I would try to negotiate this would be to say that he can have 50% of the house as a clean break settlement. Given that you both have jobs he shouldn't need his ex-wife's money.

Hypocritical but honest. You are rare, but that isn’t due to your fundamental position.

Get a new solicitor who is ruthless to get rid of this cocklodger. Personally I wouldn’t rock the boat with him, I’d smile and put up with his shit then smack him in the face with a ton of bricks legally, just like I did with my ex husband. Meanwhile smile and nod, be extremely pleasant to him (although I know it’s fucking hard), play the long game ☺️

Reading this thread I’m starting to wonder. Was my ex a fanny lodger? I don’t know if the term exists but she certainly displayed all the symptoms.

She could well have been!

Of course you shouldn't stay. Sunk costs fallacy. You're better off paying what you have to and ditching him asap.

I agree OP it’s not fair to you.

same as when women walk away with lots of a man’s financial benefit because they raised the kids when in reality they were just never interested in careers or high earnings to begin with (not a criticism).

Did you ring fence your deposit for family home? Does your dh work?

It is a terribly unfair system when it comes to cocklodgers, which is what your H seemingly is.

I'd start taking responsibility for the children and the house away from him completely. That way you can prove that he hasn't gone part time or 'given up his career' to raise the children when he tries to use that to get the house and/or be the resident parent. You can already evidence that as you're paying for childcare on his days off. Make sure it can't be disputed. Don't tell him what you're doing obviously.
Make it clear to him that you expect him to work full time, just like you do. That way he can't say you agreed to the arrangement.

Another option if you can afford it, and your employer allows, is to flip things so you work part time and take on the bulk of the child caring and household responsibilities, even just for a while to see things through.

There's no way you won't lose financially while he gains, but you can try to minimise the impact.
When it comes to the children try to think about what is best for them, not either of you.

I looked at all this when being the only earner in the household on a very good salary. Because I basically did everything household and child related, paid for everything, etc. while he lay around on the sofa all day, and I could evidence that I was entitled to the greater share of everything, and would be resident parent and have the greater amount of time with our child. He had no intention of taking on even 50% of the child caring responsibilities though, but the fact I could prove I did it all, and paid for everything while he contributed nothing financial or practical was what swung things my way.

YANBU. And while I'm not quite in the same position (not contemplating divorce but am getting ticked off at the basic lack of any proactive, well, anything, from husband) this would definitely be the case should we divorce. He's been a SAHD for years now, and while the mortgage is in both our names, it was all my money that was put down. And obviously he has not contributed financially at all while he's been out of work.

Definitely find a different solicitor. Preferably one who is both female and successful (like you) and who specialises in divorce

Get a better solicitor and get rid. My DSIS didn’t do this and she is still working herself into the ground while he DH does the bare minimum and is the opposite of supportive. She still has a nanny with two secondary age kids and one off to uni as he can’t be trusted to be sober enough around the kids. He is in and out of work. Don’t do it to yourself. Good luck OP.

I was in a similar position. Ex(d)h and i were both hardworking, worked for others initially and then self employed - earned similar amounts & had a good lifestyle. We sold one business, kept the other and went back to being employed due to the lengthy unsociable hours and having a young child. Business profits went into house equity.

Ex(d)h became extremely lazy, dropped to part time hours (ok, as we still had one business) but then out of the blue & with no discussion quit input into the business. Without his input the business could not work & so it had to be parked. I worked hard, took several promotions, 2 hours commute per day, did a masters degree on top of full time working and did all the child admin and most of the housework. He chose to work part-time at just above minimum wage and continually turned down offers of promotion and opportunities to undertake qualifications which would improve his earning potential. He chose not to pay into a pension, despite receiving sound financial advice, until the latter years of our marriage when he paid a small amount into a private pension.

When it came to divorce, I was given the same advice as you were about likely asset split due to a) his comparative lack of earnings; b) his age (11 yrs older than me; c) length of marriage (27 years) d) his claim that he needed to be home for childcare reasons (albeit our child was then 17!). Don’t forget he will also have claim on your pension as well as the house and any assets!! Mediation was a non starter. The legal advice was to agree a 50/50 split of everything (including pensions) as going to court to settle would be costly & may well result in him being awarded more than 50%.

I was happy with 50/50 of house equity & assets - but devastated that in this situation he had a claim on my pension funds. I offered him more than 50% house equity in recognition that he would find it harder than me to get a mortgage if he would leave my pensions alone -but he followed his solicitor’s advice to go for my pensions, not realising that while the £s sounded high, he wouldn’t be able to access the cash without a heavy tax penalty. So now he has little prospect of a mortgage (it dragged on for years), house prices have rocketed and he cant just cash in the pension pots he’s acquired - So he’s a bit stuffed really! 🙄

I agree with this.

I agree with the advice previous posters have given to divorce him now, take the inevitable financial hit, and reclaim your future. You'll still have your ability to earn well and rebuild your savings and pension. He's not going to improve and you'll lose more if you wait.

I had something similar happen in my first marriage. Handing over a large chunk of assets to the layabout my XH had become stung at the time, but I've never regretted divorcing him.