To think divorce is sometimes unfair to the higher earner?

[MirrorM]

I went to see a solicitor and they told me I'm in an awful position. I have worked my arse off, doubled my salary in 4 years and set for another promotion in a few months. I bought a flat years ago, did it up and sold it for a big profit (before meeting DH) and put all the profit into our family home (joint mortgage)

DH has halved his salary in the same time period. He wants to be a 'house husband' and spends a lot of his time telling me to 'push myself' and asking what I can do to earn more.

I didn't mind, thought it could work quite well, but he hasn't picked up any of the house or childcare stuff. And just sleeps and sits around and goes to the pub. We pay for childcare even on his days off so he can 'do house things, find other work, clean' but he doesn't do anything of the sort. I have talked to him about it. he gets grumpy.

Anyway - the solicitor told me that basically he could end up with quite a bit more than 50% of the house because he'd struggle to get mortgage on his salary for a 3 bed house - so will need a much bigger deposit to buy a house suitable for the kids

And lawyer told me that I can expect 50/50 with DC (they are v little) but DH could go for more as the kids get older, he coudl easily argue that I have much less and it makes more sense.

If he got more than 50/50, I could end up losing my house and kids.

I obviously think it's fair if the woman has sacrificed her career to look after kids for her to get a 50% share etc, but what if you're the higher earner AND look after the kids and home. Is it really fair I have invested in my career and our home and he's done FA and I end up worse off than him???

I have to stay with him don't i? There is no abuse. I just don't love him. He's like a lazy difficult teenage son moping around my house while I get on with everything.

It is indeed 'unfair' but that is the law and those saying get a better lawyer are somewhat deluded.
the starting point for any divorce is 50/50 and the needs for each party to be housed etc is taken in to consideration .
Your Dh will no doubt say he gave up his career to facilitate yours...
Frankly IME the judge ( if you end up in court) will not be interested in how your DH behaved as a SAHD, they do not 'judge' parenting standards. IF SS have not had to intervene then it is just a case of you not liking his parenting standards..
Your Dh could get his lawyer to ague that the both of you agreed children go to nursery for children's benefit - socialisation/pre school ect. They could/will argue you agreed to this , so you cannot now say ' he did nothing and sent kids to nursery to laze around '

You can tell a judge your DH sat around gaming went to the pub etc when he should have been cleaning/shopping/cooking and a judge will probably shrug.
Unfortunately divorce settlements , as i said, do not take into account how well some one cleaned the loo.

I would second advice given to just make the cut now, knowing it is going to sting financially.
or you stay until youngest is 18 and divorce then , but have to hand over potentially 50% of pensions and 50% of house ...

In meantime, if you think you would want to be with him if he was a model SAHD with some plan for some kind of wage earning job when kids older etc then it may still be worth a sit down , cards on table conversation...with list /rota of what needs to happen every day/week, include things like kids in clubs/activites/baby group he needs to got instead of nursery all the time.
List out every single thing you expect a SAHP to be doing ...
Remember that he is entitled to some down time same as you so factor in that for both of you too
and tell him 6 months is timeline to improve things..do not say or i will divorce you, cus he may be more savvy than you think and will sit back and let it happen knowing he will come out ok.
Just say this is what has to happen or you will have to leave your well paid job as stress is too much for you and you will all have to downsize to xyz and lose xyz ( make sure this really would impact him).

then use the 6 months to form exit plan.

Also be aware if kids are very little he may go for spousal support too..

many yrs ago i was in similar position, i worked 6-7 days a week , my DexH did a lot less, but he did do most of school runs etc but all life admin fell to me, he wanted nice lifestyle but was inherently coasting along ..when he announced he thought he might give up work to be a sahd when youngest was starting ft school ..i said no way...i said i would divorce him, he and my lawyer at the time both said he would spousal support !

i stayed and we split much later for other reasons

I think you should try talking through his role, first. Tell him you want him to find more paid employment, to put you all in a better position. Say you're not happy that you are doing it all.

When your kids gain school places, his role will be dropping them at school, collecting them at 3pm, and potentially, playing computer games, in between. He will be there to care, whenever they are ill. Your professional commitments will increase, and you might actually need him, to care for the kids, even though he does it in a lazy and uninspiring way. It may look to the courts as though he is the parent they see most of. It depends on how your next promotion affects your schedule.

A second opinion from a really good solicitor will probably be very valuable, as other posters have advised.

It's really, really hard, generally, to understand what kind of emotional support is being given to the kids, as this is hard to quantify.

I have enormous respect for earners who can do a two-hour commute and study at a higher level to additionally improve their professional prospects. However, it does occur to me that intense work schedules must leave limited energy for the children. The stay at home one might be taking the Mickey, but they might be there, emotionally and supportively for the kids. The kids might be happy with them there. If you say "Get a job" - even a low paid one, as you resent them doing little, then is that better for the kids?

I wonder if there is any other way, such as couples counselling and, off the back of that, suggestions as to skills and ideas he can develop to enrich the lives of the kids.

You need to change tact before thinking of divorce. Get him into a properly paid job. The house husband thing is obviously not working.

To be honest, I’d give him merry hell until he prefers work to lazing about at home. 😆

Agree with others, tell him he has to get a job, ensure you have evidence you can submit to the court showing you pay for childcare when he's not at work, that he fails to care for the children adequately & then cut your losses and divorce him now. The longer you stay the more your assets will grow & the more you will lose. Get a better lawyer who can help you get a lived with order where the kids are with you most of the time (this is going to happen anyway with a man like him), buy him out of the house & he can rent.

I can tell you from bitter experience that this type of man's parenting / involvement does not improve on divorce... My ex has never done even one school run & he certainly doesn't look after DD when's she ill (even on his contact time)! DD has almost no relationship with him as demonstrated he's incapable of being ''present'' when she's in his care just like he wasn't capable when we were married... like your ex, he was a big believer in giving her his phone to keep her occupied, or sitting her in front of a TV with a big bag of sweets etc so he could game or have a nap etc.. being physically there doesn't guarantee an emotional connection or support.

It's hard to be a single parent & work a demanding job, but it's doable. I say this 10 years down the line of a 85/15 contact schedule with a very similar ex to your husband. There were no assets when we divorced, so I started again with nothing but a load of debt from legal fees. Since becoming a single Mum I've more than quadrupled my income. Ex has his contact (well most of the time), pays CSA only refusing to contribute to anything else and basically is off ''living his best life'' with his new wife (who earns a sweet fortune)... It's been grueling, required lots of sacrifices on my part, like sleep!, to be there for DD in the way a child needs their parent to be but I don't regret it. Being married to him was like having another child - a stroppy, lazy, self-absorbed, entitled teenager with zero self awareness...

In answer to your question, yes divorce is sometimes unfair.
But no, you don't have to stay with him, and shouldn't, as it seems clear that the relationship is dead and you no longer love him or respect him.

Some things in life are far more important than money.

Get rid of him asap, for you own future happiness.

Throughout the process, be guided by what you genuinely think is in the best interests of the children, including whether they will benefit from an ongoing regular relationship with him.

i'd advise the opposite to be honest. He can't claim he is doing childcare if OP can show that she is paying for it.

speak to another solicitor, he can't expect to carry on like that post divorce, I'd have thought the courts will expect him to work more hours unless there is a valid reason he can't

I’d start to see if I could get any of these snippets as text or email so you can evidence his lack of contribution.
so maybe send him a better job by text, or ask him to do some of the kid admin and see if you can get some on the standard replies documented.
I might also start to keep a diary of of both of your activities for the day

Does he realise divorce is a possibility? Or is it a bolt from the blue in what he thinks his a happy marriage?
Is there scope for some discussion about what he wants? Are you sure he doesn’t actually one a return to the bachelor lifestyle and no responsibility? I know my husband never wants custody in the event of a split. He wants a stable home with me and full access to see the children freely, it’s healthy to have the chat I think.