To think divorce is sometimes unfair to the higher earner?

[MirrorM]

I went to see a solicitor and they told me I'm in an awful position. I have worked my arse off, doubled my salary in 4 years and set for another promotion in a few months. I bought a flat years ago, did it up and sold it for a big profit (before meeting DH) and put all the profit into our family home (joint mortgage)

DH has halved his salary in the same time period. He wants to be a 'house husband' and spends a lot of his time telling me to 'push myself' and asking what I can do to earn more.

I didn't mind, thought it could work quite well, but he hasn't picked up any of the house or childcare stuff. And just sleeps and sits around and goes to the pub. We pay for childcare even on his days off so he can 'do house things, find other work, clean' but he doesn't do anything of the sort. I have talked to him about it. he gets grumpy.

Anyway - the solicitor told me that basically he could end up with quite a bit more than 50% of the house because he'd struggle to get mortgage on his salary for a 3 bed house - so will need a much bigger deposit to buy a house suitable for the kids

And lawyer told me that I can expect 50/50 with DC (they are v little) but DH could go for more as the kids get older, he coudl easily argue that I have much less and it makes more sense.

If he got more than 50/50, I could end up losing my house and kids.

I obviously think it's fair if the woman has sacrificed her career to look after kids for her to get a 50% share etc, but what if you're the higher earner AND look after the kids and home. Is it really fair I have invested in my career and our home and he's done FA and I end up worse off than him???

I have to stay with him don't i? There is no abuse. I just don't love him. He's like a lazy difficult teenage son moping around my house while I get on with everything.

I can’t help with the decision to divorce or not - that has to be your personal decision - but from RIGHT NOW you need to get good advice about your position and how to improve it. You have sleepwalked into this position now - don’t want a year when it’s worse because he has dropped down more days and/or given up work entirely, AND your pension has grown (that you might need to give him a share of) AND your house equity has grown (that he will get a share of).

At a minimum, get him back to 5 days/week working and make sure he has a pension that he is paying into (hopefully this will reduce what he can claim from yours), and start saving a chunk of money in cash slowly withdrawn each week as you
do other things.

And I agree with others as to finding a solicitor who represents high earning women. They will no doubt have other excellent ideas, especially around keeping paperwork etc as to the kids attending nursery when he is home.

Overall, it sounds like it will be a financial hit, but better to do it now and you can recover (especially pensions and home equity) rather than later when you have more in both to lose and less time to make them up. But you have to be certain you want too.

I'm sure it is. No system is perfect.🤷‍♀️

I sounds like you can afford a shit hot lawyer and that it would be worth it. The one you have is extremely pessimistic at least as far as the children are concerned. Everything indicates that you can prove that he hasn't been a SAHD

Well it's not really being a high earner that's the problem. It's having a lazy arse for a husband!

Divorce him OP. Bite the bullet and take the financial hit now. It will probably get worse the longer you leave it. And surely he won't want to have the DC more than 50% of the time if he's so lazy?

Yes, there is a lot of scope in a divorce to screw over the other person, and sometimes it is the higher earning individual who ends up screwed.

Just stop supporting his lifestyle. Make him contribute equally to the house and bills and work as hard as you do. It's not that easy to divorce and win, as you have kids and he's still the dad.

Gather any evidences you can to prove he caused a hostile environment and pushed you into a situation where you are both the primary carer and earner for the children. Get better legal advice and with evidentiary backup and better legal support you could easily go for a more proportional split (if you can prove he does nothing and forced you into that situation) and get primary custody of the children. If you aren't going for primary custody however then expect a 50/50 split until the youngest is 18.

I wasn't accusing you of anything personally, OP. It just struck me that the solicitor's advice/guidance was identical to the advice/guidance given here about marital assets etc. with the sexes reversed. And how often men grumble about similar divorce settlements elsewhere, using similar language.

See another Sols - plenty of divorced women who were stay at home mums have needed to get a job/better paid job post divorce. Why would it be any different for your husband?

Also 50/50 is the starting point for finances, not a given. You need a better solicitor.

I don't think the solicitor was saying this is definitely what would happen but it was that 30 min free advice and she was giving me poss outcomes. She said she thought the hardest thing would be the house...because his salary is low he would need a much bigger chunk of the equity to afford a 3 bed house for both DC and that he would be likely to get that. I understand it is for the kids. Which I get. But it would sting. If Dh was going to be a mature, loving co-parent then absolutely fine but him getting a nice chunk of equity and house so he can have the kids over and then ignore them/cover it in coke and beer cans etc is pretty rubbish.

Think she was just giving me a reality check. I'm trying to be pragmatic and work what best for the kids and me longterm.

I could run this ship by myself and I would love to. But its not as simple as that.

I do feel guilty or weird about him not being able to afford legal advice though. He has no savings and often has 50 quid or so left at the end of the month. He has no family with money.

I sound like a controlling husband. I'm really not. He wants to be like a teenage boy. He even jokes and calls me "the mother".

He wants to be like a teenage boy. He even jokes and calls me "the mother".

shudders

I think you are better off cutting your losses now too. I also think the childcare on his days off works in your favour.

I dont quite understand the legal advice as any women I know who have divorced when kids are young have been expected to work and they havent been given whole houses. They have had one of those, you can stay til the kids are 18 and then we split 50/50. I have seen some get more equity to reflect the fact they cant get a big mortgage though and the children need a home (but also no access to pensions in that case).

I was v naive when I got married. I mean he was different then.

There are two other female directors at work and both have long term partners, kids etc. Neither are married.

I have to say all the Sahms near where I live seem to be taking it pretty seriously. Driving children to hobbies and sports fixtures, supervising homework and getting children ready for 11+ etc etc.

I assume given the local house prices they are married to high earning men or have inherited lots of money or both. The children might actually benefit from a slightly more relaxed approach but you certainly couldn't accuse them of slacking off.

OP it would drive me crazy. Do you still love him? If so and maybe even if you want to divorce later the best plan would be to cajole him back to full time work. It sounds like he will always be useless in the sahp and housekeeper role and the resentment will drive you mad.

If that doesn't work you will just have to cut your losses.

In this specific circumstance, where one person has basically pretended to be the main carer for children/ pretended to keep the house whilst actually just lazing about I agree it can be very unfair. Especially if this is all done without the agreement of the higher earner - ie where they haven’t ageeed for the other person just to have a holiday life (some people might agree to it if they want a “trophy wife” for example).

Usually it’s quite fair to look at the needs of the parties, as it might be one has sacrificed their career to care for the children with everyone agreement, or even been pushed into it.

Double standards.

You've made a rod for your own back really by allowing this to go on - and I don't think your situation is any different to many men experience when their STAHM wives divorce them

FWIW I'm the main earner. Childcare costs far in excess of DH wages but I refused for him to be a STAHD for this very reason

Take control OP. Stop the childcare and set expectations of what you expect to be achieved each day. If he doesn't do it then tell him he needs to go back to work

I can't see him being granted more than 50% of the house TBH - it's a starting point not a given and like anything is negotiable

You need a better solicitor than he can get!

Why does he need a 3 bed house? If the children are small they don’t need separate bedrooms.

To the two people who have said they don’t support SAHD’s getting 50/50 but do for SAHM’s, why? What’s the difference? (I’m talking about if the SAHD is a competent parent.)

Honest post that broadly sums up the accepted view on here tbh

Would it be worth threatening with divorce to see if that scares him into change?

Or perhaps he hopes to get divorced knowing he will get 50% of assets and 50% of child free
Time

The difference here isn't that he's a man, it's that he's not parenting to the point where he literally forgets to feed the kids while he video games. I'm pretty sure OP and others would feel differently if he actually did the job of a SAHP but he's just a total scrub. The flip side of any sexism here is that parenting standards are much lower for men. You think anyone would think a woman who gamed while her kids went hungry was a competent mother?

Well summarised @ReneBumsWombats

yanbu

even when do en become sahm most if they don’t have high earning , well paid careers thdn there’s all this talk of sacrificing career. In my experience those women who had careers kept them and didn’t stop. Those women who did were usually in low paid jobs and divorce gave them access to houses and assets far beyond what they’ve have had if stayed working alone

still that’s what happens. V unfair to higher earners

if you stay with him longer then you’re just deleting this and will end up giving him more the longer you are married!