Dh says I don’t discipline enough-I say he has zero patience

[Romcomsonasaturdaynight]

Dd is 4 and a very active girl (never stops talking, moving; wanting to play etc. She’s a bright, sweet, fun girl but demands all our attention.
Dh has been awful today…complaining and saying no to her at every little thing.
He put an egg box in the bin she was playing with (he didn’t realise) she got upset and went to get it, he started going nuts at her saying they’d be food all over it etc, he was going on about he was giving up disciplining her. She was doing no harm, got it out and continued to put her squishy toy things in it.
Later on he was on the hammock and she was playing around him, putting twigs and leaves into a water pot…yes, messy and quite annoying, but getting irritated, telling her not to…why couldn’t she just play, it could be tidied later, leave her be.
Later on, *He’d left cigarette papers out, which she’d found and had taken them all out and written little messages on. I told her not to as they were his, but she’d already done it, wasn’t doing any harm in all honesty and he’d left them out!
He went nuts, muttering horrible things about me under his breath, telling Dd off…
It’s his first day off for two weeks from work..already feel uptight and miserable
Am I wrong or is he 🤷🏻‍♀️

Tbh I'd say he is more than entitled to feel pissed off by these little annoyances

Sometimes kids get under your skin and that seems to have been the case today.

The egg box id have done the same as him, if it was in the bin I'd not let mine get it out as it would be a bit gross

The papers though YANBU on that one - totally his fault for leaving them out

He sounds like a bully. If he doesn’t like how she’s playing he should redirect her to something else and actually engage with her properly. She’s looking for attention and she’ll look for the negative kind if he refuses to give her the positive kind. She’s 4, they can be annoying. How old is and what’s his excuse?

Ask him once she’s asleep why he makes so many complaints and criticisms of his very young child and if it might be possible to find, appreciate and vocalise some good things about her every now and then.

His critical voice will become something she internalises if he keeps it up for too long. Children remember this stuff and it can be so damaging.

does he have any good qualities because it doesn’t sound like it

I think the first day of annual leave can be a bit of a flash point sometimes.

You build it up in your head that you're going to enjoy yourself, relax etc. but obviously with an energetic 4yo, things are not going to happen the way you plan!

I wonder if he's just tired and a bit stressed from work and was looking forward to some peace and quiet.

@TypeMite But she was quite happily playing with it, then it was gone, she’s gonna want it back, it would piss me off too if I had something that wasn’t causing any problems and then was just removed. She just wanted it back, I agree not nice to go in the bin, but it was just right on top with nothing on it…no harm done!

@AnneLovesGilbert This is what worries me…I mean, I get it, she is demanding at times and it’s so hard but doesn’t need the constant negative talk

I'm with your dh, it sounds like she gets her way too often. I wouldn't let her get the box out of the garbage. And she should understand that if she is told not to write on something she shouldn't.

This is where I think your DH might have a point

It doesn't matter if she wanted it back, it was in the bin.

She is 4, more than old enough to start understanding life is sometimes unfair

Children do need help to understand that sometimes they cant have something.

She just needs it explained that we know you feel upset about the egg box but its now dirty because its in the bin, lets play with this

You back each other up, I wonder how much you view her as a little person rather than a child, saying 'shes going to want it back, it would piss me off too'.

Are you a unit with your partner?

He should have apologised for throwing it away, if he did so without realising she was playing with it.
But I also wouldn't have let her get out of the bin.

@mountainsunsets Maybe, but we don’t really get a break with her, she’s 4…we just don’t.
He also drank wine…I get it, but I can’t just drink wine in the middle of the day and go on the hammock and not expect her to not come and play etc.
She loves him so much and the novelty of him at weekends and after work means she does always want to play with and be around him. But my heart breaks a little for her each time he shows this impatience with her

@bellac11 I am, but it’s like I said to him, if we were going to tell her off for everything she does, we’d have the whole day so raking negatively to her…I often feel I tell her off too much. So I choose my battles…these things weren’t *That bad, they didn’t warrant all the fuss in my opinion.

The example I gave is not 'telling her off'. Its helping children regulate. Its helping children undertand that sometimes we feel sad or angry about something we cant have, but still you cant have it

Its ok to say, I threw it away by accident but now that its in the bin we cant get it back out. Then just keep repeating that through the crying/screaming. Remind her that you can hear her, we know you're upset and keep calm

Its not telling her off.

And if you saw her writing on the fag papers you should have removed them from her. You cant put everything away that she shouldnt touch, she needs to learn that some things are not to be touched (obviously not dangerous things, they should be away)

this

Maybe you need to set things up so you both get a break, then.

She's four, not a tiny baby, so it might be worth sitting down with DH and working out a way for you both to get some child-free time while he's off work.

I don't think it's realistic to expect someone to never get a break from work or parenting just because they have a 4yo at home.

He sounds like a misery tbh.

If it was on top of the bin it’s unlikely to be dirty, and why did he throw it away in the first place? That’s just mean.

As for the cig papers. He shouldn’t have left them out. It’s what kids do, and what she did was cute.

He sounds horrible.

@bellac11 I thought it was unfair, she’d had this egg box house for ages, had drawn on it and decorated it. It had just literally been thrown in the bin, it did no harm to pick it quickly off the top.

Mistakes happen, parents are not perfect, things go missing or get broken or whatever

If you're happy to teach her to disagree with what her dad tells her (or happy for him to undermine you when you discipline her) or you're happy for her to go rootling in the bin when she wants, then carry on. Because that's what you would teach her

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow Tbf he threw it away by accident, he wouldn’t just deliberately do that…but, yeah, no food or mess on the box at all, just a huge fuss and telling off that wasn’t needed

He leaves cigarette stuff out, drinks in the middle of the day while she's around, gets rid of the stuff she's playing with and whines about her?

I'm on my first day of annual leave today too (dh has been off with the kids all summer) - I had a nice lie in, then we all cracked on with nice stuff together as a family.

What's he like on weekends and evenings with her? How often do you go out alone / go away overnight and they are alone together?

@bellac11 I didn’t undermine him as said nothing at the time, only to him in private

Why would it matter if his cigarette papers have writing on them? He's going to burn them anyway?!

@TootsAtOwls I suppose they were crumpled up/messed up a bit

Relating to little kids can be difficult for someone without any professional background (child care teaching etc). But I've seen real difficulties caused by a) contrasting parenting styles b) constant negativity. Your DH needs to handle his relationship with his daughter in a more positive way. Am I picking up a competitive edge here? Does he behave like a child who wants more attention from you rather than you giving it to your DD?
My first husband (clue there).was very negative with our first daughter but the second, born much later could do no wrong in his eyes. On reflection I wish I had confronted him mere about it. (My elder daughter has been wonderful to him as he has become very needy, lonely and vulnerable in his old age, helping him deal with all sorts of health and welfare issues. I don't know if he feels guilty about how he was with her as a little girl, but he should do).
Has he experienced very negative parenting himself? Sometimes people reproduce what they have experienced. Could you suggest he gets some guidance on parenting? Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz They’re barely ever alone, I’ve never been out overnight.
He's great sometimes and plays but often all I hear is ‘I’m sitting down now’ said to her…again, I get it, it is full on..but isn’t that having kids