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Original poster

Dh says I don’t discipline enough-I say he has zero patience

95 replies

Romcomsonasaturdaynight · 20/08/2022 21:00

Dd is 4 and a very active girl (never stops talking, moving; wanting to play etc. She’s a bright, sweet, fun girl but demands all our attention.
Dh has been awful today…complaining and saying no to her at every little thing.
He put an egg box in the bin she was playing with (he didn’t realise) she got upset and went to get it, he started going nuts at her saying they’d be food all over it etc, he was going on about he was giving up disciplining her. She was doing no harm, got it out and continued to put her squishy toy things in it.
Later on he was on the hammock and she was playing around him, putting twigs and leaves into a water pot…yes, messy and quite annoying, but getting irritated, telling her not to…why couldn’t she just play, it could be tidied later, leave her be.
Later on, *He’d left cigarette papers out, which she’d found and had taken them all out and written little messages on. I told her not to as they were his, but she’d already done it, wasn’t doing any harm in all honesty and he’d left them out!
He went nuts, muttering horrible things about me under his breath, telling Dd off…
It’s his first day off for two weeks from work..already feel uptight and miserable
Am I wrong or is he 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Romcomsonasaturdaynight · 20/08/2022 22:49

@Thinkbiglittleone Sorry two weeks off, he has his two week holiday now

OP posts:
Thatswhyimacat · 20/08/2022 22:53

I actually think the cigarette papers is bad and posters are completely missing the point by saying oh he shouldn't be smoking.

A 4 year old should absolutely know that they can't just write over random things that don't belong to them.

You say you pick your battles but I don't see anything in your OP that suggests you ever discipline your DD or set rules/boundaries. He might well be too far one way but I think it is possible you are too soft with her and won't do her favours if she grows up annoying people with her 'play'.

Original poster
Romcomsonasaturdaynight · 20/08/2022 22:59

@Thatswhyimacat Maybe…but I honestly don’t find the things he finds terrible…that bad at all. Some things she does are and I get strict with her…but these things really aren’t

OP posts:
CoffeeNeeded2019 · 20/08/2022 23:03

@Romcomsonasaturdaynight we’re all short of patience sometimes i sure!
Only human after all 💐
I often think the tricky thing with 4 year olds is they have so much ‘chat’ (and use it!) it’s easy to forget they’ve only been on the planet for 4 years and our expectations of them can be huge!

HelloBunny · 20/08/2022 23:09

I totally get you. DH is the same with our little guy. He has no patience, and “gives out” to him for silly things. Thing is, toddlers are always doing silly things! I’m slot more understanding with DS...
And like you, OP, I know that I can’t just sit down & enjoy myself at the weekend (which DH gets to do far more than me anyway). Yeah, I get annoyed by DS too. But he’s only a kid, I think he even computes the sort of discipline DH often talks about.

HelloBunny · 20/08/2022 23:11

Can’t compute, that is.

TypeMite · 20/08/2022 23:59

Thinkbiglittleone · 20/08/2022 22:32

So, your DH was absolutely out of order for snatching away the box she was drawing on and binning it.

In our house DH would have to go and apologise to her for being so rude.
I would also not allow our DS to take things back out of the bin.
It would be "yes daddy was wrong, but it's gone now, if you want to draw here some more cardboard, paper etc"

If my DH was having his first day off in 2 weeks and was grouchy and tired, I would let him go to bed for a few hours and get up less grouchy. He can then happily okay with DS while I take the same time out. IN our house if someone is overtired and there are the 2 of you, there's no point trying force them to be happy, powernap then swap. Both a bit more refreshed.

Your DD doesn't sound like she is doing much wrong, and your DH sounds grouchy.

Who snatched anything away!?

The OP has clearly said he accidentally threw it away

Original poster
Romcomsonasaturdaynight · 21/08/2022 00:01

Yes, it was an accident, not snatched away

OP posts:
bellac11 · 21/08/2022 00:03

People make stuff up on here all the time.

Several people have said that dad snatched the box away when OP has not said this and specifically said it was an accident

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/08/2022 00:05

If he hasn’t had a day off for two weeks he will be tired and irritable.

And your DD needs to learn that she can’t always have her own way. Sounds like you given in to every whim.

Marvellousmadness · 21/08/2022 00:07

Sounds like dd is your only child and you trest her like a princess. She is 4. Teach her some mindfulness and how to slow/calm down. A child that is always "on" is the worst (for a parent)

Original poster
Romcomsonasaturdaynight · 21/08/2022 00:09

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Not the first day off in two weeks, he works until 5 each day and has every weekend off. He’s off work for two weeks holiday

OP posts:
Original poster
Romcomsonasaturdaynight · 21/08/2022 00:10

@Marvellousmadness She’s definitely not treated like a princess. It’s true she’s always wanting to play/do something though…occasionally a little tv will keep her quiet whilst we just sit, but that’s fairly rare

OP posts:
alexdgr8 · 21/08/2022 00:20

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 21/08/2022 00:05

If he hasn’t had a day off for two weeks he will be tired and irritable.

And your DD needs to learn that she can’t always have her own way. Sounds like you given in to every whim.

agree with this.
you need to lay the foundations now or your life will be very stressful as she gets older.
i agree with your husband.
how can he instil any discipline when you undermine it. you seem to think everything should revolve around her. that is not good.
you could have kept her out of the way until he erected the tent, then she could explore it.
discipline is not punishment, it is order. the alternative is chaos.

abovedecknotbelow · 21/08/2022 00:21

H is like this this, 11 years on we are are looking at divorce.

He is so far removed from where I am (and he'd say vice versa). Kids aren't 'allowed' to do anything. Any play is shut down as messy or just no. It's fucking boring. Anything they ask usually comes back with a no.

They make things out of the recycling, like painting, mixing stuff up in the garden all fine imo but not his. He's a fun sponge.

Goldbar · 21/08/2022 00:51

He sounds like a misery and, although you say your DD adores him now, it won't be long before she notices that life is more fun and less stressful when he's not around. Ask him what sort of relationship he wants with his child and how he thinks his present behaviour will achieve that.

templesit · 21/08/2022 05:47

I'm with you op.

ChloeKellyIsAnIcon · 21/08/2022 06:11

He sounds too harsh and I feel sad for your DD. Maybe a parenting course would help if you can find one locally - you could attend one too, to show that you're willing to learn?

rwalker · 21/08/2022 06:21

In your own word ms you described her as demanding and what she was doing was messy and annoying

sounds like she’s worked out your both not on the same page and plays up to this
it’s not fair on her even if one of you think the others wrong
sort it later undermining each of confuses the kid

the egg box I wouldn’t get it out the bin

there plenty of stuff you leave out and don’t won’t touching at 4 it’s not unreasonable for a kid to have understanding of this

you described sticks as messy and annoying

sounds like u let her do what she wants for a quiet life

AtomicBlondeRose · 21/08/2022 06:28

I’m a right grinch who finds small children often annoying as hell and none of those things would strike me as very bad. I would have let her have her prized box out of the bin if it was clean - it clearly meant something to her so she can have it back. Pottering around with sticks and stuff is irritating but that’s what being a child is for surely? If you can’t do that when you’re 4 when can you do it? And I would have thought the messages were cute and probably kept them! So I think he’s being really unreasonable.

TidyDancer · 21/08/2022 06:32

This sounds like one of those situations where you're seeing the same child but interpreting them in wildly different ways. Like when one person sees a child's behaviour as 'spirited' and another sees it as naughtiness. The truth usually sits somewhere in the middle imo.

I think you need to sit down together (without DD) and figure out where you're at with everything. One parent being too soft and one being too hard does not make for a great set up.

djdkdkddkek · 21/08/2022 06:33

He sounds like a misery

but tbh it does sound a bit like she rules the house and you do as she wants. Maybe he’s a bit tired of that which is making him grumpy

tho he does sound like a grump and wouldnt surprise me if he spends most of his annual leave out of tne house

5128gap · 21/08/2022 06:56

Children should of course be allowed to play and shouldn't be continually snapped at. But they should also do as they're told and accept no for an answer.
I wouldn't tolerate a 4 year old getting something out of the bin when she'd been told no.
Nor would I accept her continuing to make a mess with the inappropriate play things when she'd been told not to.
If she'd been told not to touch the papers ( I hope so given most people keep them with tobacco so children should not be going near them) and did anyway, again this isn't acceptable. Whether he should smoke or not is irrelevant. Children need to learn on principle that some things are out of bounds and 4 is old enough.
If you think it was fine for your DD to ignore an adult's instructions, then IMO you are unreasonable and I agree with your DH that she does need discipline.
However, that is hard work, and an active process for you both to engage in consistently. You need to agree the boundaries you want to impose between you ( and a good place to start is doing as she is told) and agree on how you will enforce them. Being caught between two passive parents, one letting them rule the roost, the other resenting it but making no constructive effort to change things is confusing and unfair on your DD.

turquoisebeanbag · 21/08/2022 06:58

No way I'd be letting my dc play with something from the bin. Your dh is right. And if you work together you can get discipline correct together so that he doesn't feel it's all falling on him and eventually you won't have a older undisciplined dc.
It just sounds like you have a disagreement on the way to discipline and you're not giving your dh space to air his views vs yours as you already believe you're right.

Hiphopopotamus · 21/08/2022 07:09

I’m intrigued as to what you all think has happened to this egg box having sat on the top of the bin for a few minutes? The OP said is wasn’t covered in anything or dirty. So what’s the problem? All this ‘I wouldn’t let my child take anything out of the bin’. Sure, fair enough if it’s covered in food or smelling etc. but if it’s not, why not? Some of you seem to have some really arbitrary rules going on in your house.