Dh says I don’t discipline enough-I say he has zero patience

[Romcomsonasaturdaynight]

Dd is 4 and a very active girl (never stops talking, moving; wanting to play etc. She’s a bright, sweet, fun girl but demands all our attention.
Dh has been awful today…complaining and saying no to her at every little thing.
He put an egg box in the bin she was playing with (he didn’t realise) she got upset and went to get it, he started going nuts at her saying they’d be food all over it etc, he was going on about he was giving up disciplining her. She was doing no harm, got it out and continued to put her squishy toy things in it.
Later on he was on the hammock and she was playing around him, putting twigs and leaves into a water pot…yes, messy and quite annoying, but getting irritated, telling her not to…why couldn’t she just play, it could be tidied later, leave her be.
Later on, *He’d left cigarette papers out, which she’d found and had taken them all out and written little messages on. I told her not to as they were his, but she’d already done it, wasn’t doing any harm in all honesty and he’d left them out!
He went nuts, muttering horrible things about me under his breath, telling Dd off…
It’s his first day off for two weeks from work..already feel uptight and miserable
Am I wrong or is he 🤷🏻‍♀️

People focusing on whether OP's approach or her DH's approach are the right one are missing the point. Neither of them are awful, there is a range of decent/acceptable parenting and both of them are within it. The problem is that the range of generally acceptable parenting is much wider than any single person's range of what feels like good parenting to them, and it sounds like they're teetering on the edge of each other's circle. You can tolerate some difference in approach if you both generally feel that the other is competent.

The problem is the fact OP feels worried about dealing with two weeks of disagreement and the fact they both clearly feel that the other parent is doing things wrong which will continue to cause ongoing irritation/conflict/pushing the other way (exacerbating the issue).

Anxiety may be worth looking into if it's an ongoing problem. But mainly you should just talk to each other. Did you feel like a team before and you've lost it because of the fug that is the baby/toddler years? Or have you never felt like a team and so going into parenting that's something new you're figuring out too?

I don't think any of those examples sound like things that needed disciplining. They weren't naughty! If your dd was annoying him, his options were go somewhere else like upstairs, or play with his daughter. It is unreasonable to expect to be able to sit in a hammock drinking wine in the day on his own, imo. And I don't think he should be smoking. He needs to have a think about how he's coming off to his daughter, picking at her all the time. She'll end up saying she hates him. And you'll end up backing your Dd up, he'll say you're undermining him, and you'll fall out too. I speak from experience. Would he read a parenting book or blog? How to talk so kids will listen gets a good rep.

Sounds like DD would have liked some attention from DP as he has been working, and presumably not available, for 2 weeks - she's too young to think - Dad might be tired, I'll stay away from him. Maybe he could have walked to the park with her, then said he needs some peace.
Poor DD imv

I don't think 'We don't take anything out of the bin' is arbitrary.
It's a clear and reasonable rule.
Surely a lot less confusing for a child than
'We don't take anything out of the bin that's become dirty. By dirty I mean if there's food on it. By food i mean messy food. Crumbs are OK because we can brush them off. And a few splashes from the tea bag are OK too, but not if the thing has got really soggy. Also, the top of the bin might be ok, but not the bottom because there might be bin juice at the bottom.
Oh, and then we have to sniff it too... '

Well you don't have to directly involve the child in the decision making process. You can just say "Let me see if it's OK or not" and decide for yourself. It's not like taking things out of the bin is a daily request or anything.

I’m pretty authoritarian in style as that’s what I was brought up with and with 3 of them, it doesn’t take long before it is all chaos if they can just do anything. I think kids have to learn that sometimes they can’t get stuff out of the bin or draw on things. Like - if she started drawing on the wall, furniture or letters - then it’s not good. I’d hand her some paper and say - if you want to draw, draw on this. The egg carton - I’d say - sorry I didn’t know it was the one you are playing with, I’ll try and get another one for you but you have to wait.

I'm fairly strict but I also know that parenting involves telling kids what to do as often as telling them not to do things. Your 4yo sounds better than average at pottering around and entertaining herself and he's still stropping over her presence.

If he wants a bit of space, he shouldn't say "go away" he should say "your sticks and flowers would look lovely arranged on that table over there, and daddy won't knock them over by accident." He needs to be a little bit more proactive with what he does want and not just what he doesn't, a 4yo does not have the experience to fill these gaps.

So he didn’t notice that she had been played with the egg box for several days, had decorated it and loved putting her squashy toys in it? He picked it up and put it in the bin without a second thought? Didn’t ask her if she’d finished with it? Didn’t have a conversation about it when he realised he’d made a mistake and apologise and said let’s have a look and see if it’s still clean enough to play with ? Didn’t treat her like an actual person who lives in his house with him?
Didn’t offer any alternatives to any of the things that irritated him?
What parenting skills does he have?

I just spoke to him and he said he’s absolutely exhausted after a stressful month of trying to get work finished on time to finish for the holidays and all he wanted to do was sleep.
I said I understand but he should’ve just said and gone upstairs, not said horrible things etc

Too tired and exhausted to have basic good manners.

What horrible things did he say?

You are seriously over reacting and every post you put makes your DH sound even more correct with his assessment of your parenting

I wouldn't be impressed by the way he handled things. The egg box warranted an apology from him (but not restoration from the bin, offer alternatives instead). Sticks in water pots and making potions is completely normal behaviour and healthy play for small children, he's being an arse about this. And he should not have left his cigarette papers lying around, that is 100% on him. He needs to stop being a grumpy git around his child.

@TypeMite Huh 🤷🏻‍♀️
He was muttering under his breath, swearing and saying how he’s going to take days off from work to rest and things

Those things are all completely normal 4-year old things. He was wrong.

The problem is that he doesn't understand childcare is work. I'm guessing he's one of those men where you're supposed to do all the housework at the same time as childcare (because you "don't work"), but he can't be bothered even doing a day of childcare himself (because it's too much work)?

The egg box - he threw away her thing. Why did he throw it away when it was clearly decorated? And once he realised, he needed to apologise and come up with a solution (buy a new egg box that he helps her redecorate, engage her in a different game). But that's effort, easier to claim she was being naughty when she was upset.

The sticks - it's just a game, what was the harm? If he doesn't want to clean up the mess later, he needs to engage her in a different game at the time. But again, that's effort, isn't it...

Cigarette papers - his fault for leaving them out. And they weren't ruined. Of course she draws on tiny bits of paper, my kids used to love that sort of thing.

He needs to stop taking out his tiredness on her, take a half day to go sleep if he needs it, and put some effort into parenting his child. She's probably excited to see him if he's not normally at home much.

She sounds like a very normal busy child and yes I most definitely would have retrieved the box as it was clean and on top of the bin.

He sounds really awful and negative.

Bottom line is protect her.
If he spends very little time with her and that time is negative it really isn't good.

Bullet proof your contraception.

She sounds lovely and he sounds horrid. With the detail that he almost never looks after her alone I suspect he is just a shit father rather than a stressed parent struggling to manage his needs. Think carefully op.

tbh you’re even starting to annoy me
you undermine him and just keep going on and on and on
im sure he’s grumpy, and annoying too but bloody hell

He sounds awful. One of the lovely things about kids is their playfulness. She’s still a baby.

The cigarette paper thing is just cute.

@djdkdkddkek 🤣 Ok.

Who snatched anything away!?

The OP has clearly said he accidentally threw it away

Even more reason then for DD to just get on with her drawing on some paper instead Mistakes happen.
My DH would still apologise, we apologise even if we accidentally do things that upset others. It's good practice around little ones IMO.