Dh says I don’t discipline enough-I say he has zero patience

[Romcomsonasaturdaynight]

Dd is 4 and a very active girl (never stops talking, moving; wanting to play etc. She’s a bright, sweet, fun girl but demands all our attention.
Dh has been awful today…complaining and saying no to her at every little thing.
He put an egg box in the bin she was playing with (he didn’t realise) she got upset and went to get it, he started going nuts at her saying they’d be food all over it etc, he was going on about he was giving up disciplining her. She was doing no harm, got it out and continued to put her squishy toy things in it.
Later on he was on the hammock and she was playing around him, putting twigs and leaves into a water pot…yes, messy and quite annoying, but getting irritated, telling her not to…why couldn’t she just play, it could be tidied later, leave her be.
Later on, *He’d left cigarette papers out, which she’d found and had taken them all out and written little messages on. I told her not to as they were his, but she’d already done it, wasn’t doing any harm in all honesty and he’d left them out!
He went nuts, muttering horrible things about me under his breath, telling Dd off…
It’s his first day off for two weeks from work..already feel uptight and miserable
Am I wrong or is he 🤷🏻‍♀️

Tbh if I was busy on with something and someone came along and threw it in the bin I’d be mightily upset and would probably go and get it and if it wasn’t covered in food I’d carry on. So yeah I’d get the egg box out the bin if this had happened accidentally in my house.

She sounds like a normal 4 year old and he sounds like a misery. He should be excited about having time off with his daughter.

@Wigginsbottom Thank you 🙏
No definitely not competing for my attention, nothing like that and don’t think his upbringing was negative at all.
He just doesn’t seem to have patience with her at times and it’s like his default is to just go with the negative, just so uptight. Like today we were putting up our new tent to see how it was, she was v excited and wanted to help, I told her we need to wait etc, then we can do it (he was huffing and puffing doing it-whereas it was his idea!) He kept getting short with her…instead of just trying to make it a more positive experience and recognising she’s excited and wants to help..he could’ve given her a small job or asked her to help with something…she thrives on that

@Abouttimemum This is it, that wasn’t her being *Naughty surely, she was just in the middle of something and loved the bloody egg box and had put work into it

He sounds a right old misery guts. She sounds like a normal four year old girl have fun and playing creatively. It's not as if she was cutting down the hammock while he was in it (tempting though that might have been).

My view is he shouldn't have cigarette papers at all, in the sense that he shouldn't be smoking anywhere near DD. He doesn't have to "discipline" her for the things you described. He could have apologised for throwing away the egg box she was playing with, he could have offered to play with her later if he wanted a nap in the hammock. He doesn't sound like he wants to play with her at all. It seems he is from the "children should be seen and not heard" school of thought. I say, you haven't found you accidentally married Jacob Rees-Mogg, have you? 😉

If you said nothing, that wont have helped her and might have made him feel you werent backing him up

You might have said 'daddy didnt meant to throw it away but now that its in the bin its dirty so lets play with this instead, I know you feel very sad about it'

What does he smoke?

A child is a little person They don't lack personhood by being a child. It's a good thing to see children as people.

However, it sounds like you could do with being more of a team - you both seem quite separate. I think as you can see from this thread that either of your responses is pretty much OK - neither of you are far out on a scale of terrible parenting.

Do you find that you worry about the effect of what you perceive as his strictness/unfairness/rigidness, and respond by being extra accommodating, extra lenient, extra sympathetic to make up for it? And he sees that as you being too soft? Do you think possibly he is then getting this impression of you being too soft/permissive, worries about that, and his over-strictness may even be an attempt to correct from that? I think if you both lean in these ways, and you don't make an effort to unite, you can end up in this kind of parenting dance/circle. You both think your way is right and you're trying to pull the overall cart in your preferred direction, hoping to bring your co-parent along with you. You might even try to persuade each other that your way is right. But the actual result is that you get nowhere and you're pulling apart from each other. If you actually leaned in a bit and you try to see where he is coming from having boundaries that you think are meaningless, and he tries to see where you are coming from looking at your DD's POV a bit more, you'll probably both end up somewhere closer to the middle and in a fairly harmonious place, and also understand/respect each other more. If you just let yourself get annoyed because you assume he's going off on a power trip, and he lets himself get annoyed because he assumes you don't want to be a parent you only want to be a friend, it is unhelpful for your relationship and it makes your parenting more extreme, which is unhelpful for your DD.

IME, 4 is a real sticking point on this kind of thing because they are in quite a juxtaposition of being mature/intelligent enough to understand and follow or challenge rules, but immature enough to still be quite emotionally led as well. When you have oppoisite parenting leans, then, you can find you clash a bit. Other common clash points are around 18-24 months and preteens. (Baby sleep commonly features as well).

Do you ever discuss parenting style/strategy, household rules or how you plan to deal with certain things? Do you get time as a couple, not necessarily talking about parenting, seeing each other as competent adults? IME this is a totally common relationship issue rather than a parenting one and is likely to be fixable if you look to get that connection and team feeling back, rather than trying to persuade one another to do things your way.

@Geppili Just roll ups occasionally but usually packet cigarettes, he doesn’t smoke near her or ever inside etc

@bellac11 I’m not going to get involved when I didn’t agree with what he was saying/doing

If he is a smoker and daytime drinker, he is possibly highly anxious. Anxiety creates irritability. Have you ever talked to him about this?

@BertieBotts A child is a little person…perhaps I do over compensate as I see this negativity and think ‘Just give her a break!’ It’s really hard but I’m sick of it now, can’t help not saying it to him.

@Geppili He doesn’t regularly drink in the day, he’s on holiday so probably thought he’d have a couple. He is anxious a lot though

@Geppili Well, not exactly anxious…can never relax but doesn’t stop drinking coffee all day etc etc

I think it was me that wrote 'little person', I meant to say 'little adult'

No edit possible on these posts

It sounds like he expects better behaviour from his four year old than he does from himself. He snatches what she was playing with, and puts it in the bin (!) and expects her to just shrug her shoulders. But when she writes in his cigarette papers (they're still usable, right?) he throws a tantrum.

Kids copy their parents. Modelling the behaviour you want to see is a million times more powerful than "discipline".

@FallOutPloy Exactly. She has no patience these days either

Shouldn't the egg box be going in the recycling?

It must be difficult if you both have different approaches to parenting. Fortunately my wife and I are pretty aligned with it so was a lot easier with young kids.

In defence of your husband, I was very much the same when my daughters were young. A lot of it was down to inexperience, my own upbringing and temperament. The first day of any holiday was just as you've described, minus the cursing about my wife, and it would drive her potty. At the age of 4 we're still learning and it did take me time before I turned into the Fonz (and to choose my battles). Most of the time I don't think any of these things matter as long as they're not being spoilt and over indulged. But it took me a while and to learn that every year would bring new levels of everything!

If he has good days where he's chilled, is it possible he's going through something similar?

I totally get the tent thing. I'd be thinking of assembling the whole thing and the process I'd have to go through, pole by pole. Giving that up and being flexible needs to be learnt with a large does of patience. I didn't always have it but got there eventually. I'm glad I did as my 18 YO daughter changed my exhaust last week, all on her own with a lot of encouragement, direction and no shouting/complaining!

4 yr olds are lovely.. but demanding little wotsits sometimes! But they can easily work out which parent will let them get away with more... May be worth sitting down with your husband and agreeing on a way to discipline in the future? And agreeing what is a complete no-no (something belonging to your husband being scribbled on if he feels that way) and what is a reasonable request from a 4 yr old... And how to redirect if necessary. Parenting is tricky but having both parents agreeing makes it a lot easier IMO!

So, your DH was absolutely out of order for snatching away the box she was drawing on and binning it.

In our house DH would have to go and apologise to her for being so rude.
I would also not allow our DS to take things back out of the bin.
It would be "yes daddy was wrong, but it's gone now, if you want to draw here some more cardboard, paper etc"

If my DH was having his first day off in 2 weeks and was grouchy and tired, I would let him go to bed for a few hours and get up less grouchy. He can then happily okay with DS while I take the same time out. IN our house if someone is overtired and there are the 2 of you, there's no point trying force them to be happy, powernap then swap. Both a bit more refreshed.

Your DD doesn't sound like she is doing much wrong, and your DH sounds grouchy.

Op I just wanted to comment to say you sound like a really lovely Mum, really focussing on understanding your daughter and what makes her tick. You sound like you’ve learned the tricks to getting stuff done with her around, eg finding her a little job to do when you have a bigger one- I wonder if perhaps her Dad hasn’t spent enough time alone with her to have honed his technique in the same way?
no excuse for being negative and grumpy with her; that’s unnecessary and potentially damaging long term; but perhaps he needs some help to work out how to enjoy being around her?
i hope the rest of his time off goes more smoothly

@Thinkbiglittleone It’s not his first day off in two weeks, he’s got two days off
He could’ve gone upstairs if he wanted 🤷🏻‍♀️

@CoffeeNeeded2019 Thank you, that’s so kind 🙏I don’t often feel I’m getting it right as feel short of patience too at times
I just hope he’s able to relax a bit so we can actually have a nice time

Agree with this. He could have handled it better but still without pandering to her. like oh dear silly daddy! and got her to give him a silly ‘punishment’ like death by tickles or 10 ear pulls, whatever. And ‘never mind, next time we go shopping we can get some more eggs and I’ll save you the box’. No need for big dramas and sulks.

It’s his first day off for two weeks from work..already feel uptight and miserable

Sorry I read this as it was his first day off in the last 2 weeks.

Maybe that's something to talk about then, when one of you or both of you are overtired or need a break, take it out the way of your DC. Providing it works both ways obviously, he can't always be the one nipping up for some space or time out,

Some days kids can just get on top of you and annoy you. Obviously you should always have patience and be kind etc etc, but the reality is that's not always the case, so maybe put some plans in place for when you feel like that.
Then come down and play positively with your DD.