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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so annoyed this kid didn’t say thank you.

94 replies

Lennon80 · 18/08/2022 20:20

So my son age 12 been hanging about with a kid who all the other parents don’t let their child hang out with - I’ve let him meet up with him this week and today was taking them to this trampoline type place that was 17 quid per kid. I drove him paid him in and dropped him home and as he got out of the car he didn’t say thank you. I’m now thinking he’s very bad mannered and don’t want my son hanging about with him. So how would you feel - basic manners not observed surely a bad sign? He’s not shy at all so no issue there.

OP posts:
SleeplessInEngland · 18/08/2022 20:23

If your son likes him it’d be stupid to sever the friendship because of that. Just stop taking them to expensive things if it bugs you.

Thefriendlymoth · 18/08/2022 20:24

I wouldn’t hold it against a 12 year old tbh, I’d assume they maybe hadn’t had it reinforced as a child by parents. If there were wider issues with his behaviour whilst out then obviously that would be a consideration but if my kid had enjoyed their time with them, I’d note it but just ignore and maybe just model expected manners myself at future outings. Did your kid say thank you to you for the day out?

Mississipi71 · 18/08/2022 20:24

Now you know why other parents don't take to him?

bubblesandwineandallthingsfine · 18/08/2022 20:24

Why don’t other parents let him hang around with their kids?

doe he even know to say thank you? If he hasn’t been brought up to do it as cf parents he might not understand

Original poster
Lennon80 · 18/08/2022 20:27

Yes this kid previously was quite nasty to my son and he was scared of him but now they are friends? He also backchatted the woman at the place wouldn’t come off the equipment and she said your band is yellow it’s red now he said ‘well I’m colour blind’ - thought it was funny.

OP posts:
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL · 18/08/2022 20:27

Why didn't you discuss payment with his parent?

GetUpAndGone · 18/08/2022 20:28

Could be numerous reasons. They could be embarrassed or just don't know to say it. Also possible they've said thanks casually to your kid rather than you?

I wouldn't get wound up about it if all in all it was a nice day out.

Original poster
Lennon80 · 18/08/2022 20:28

Because I wouldn’t take a kid somewhere and expect them to pay but I would expect the kid to say thank you.

OP posts:
Harridan1981 · 18/08/2022 20:29

Why does no-one play with him?

I would just focus on your child's behaviour and stick to doing what works for him. "I'm glad you guys had a lovely time. I did notice that X didn't say thank you, if you spend time with his family please remember your manners when you leave" etc.

If you can afford it and want to do it for your son then great, otherwise just let them do their own thing. How was he in terms of politeness otherwise?

2pinkginsplease · 18/08/2022 20:29

The not thanking me wouldn’t bother me, he may not have had manners encouraged by his parents and may not be used to saying please or thank you.

however back chatting an adult while out with me would be enough to not involve this child in anything again, I’d be encouraging my child to find a new friend.

Meraas · 18/08/2022 20:30

Don’t take him out again. And if you do, ask his parents if he wants to go and take his ticket money from them, don’t pay for him.

Original poster
Lennon80 · 18/08/2022 20:31

Harridan1981 · 18/08/2022 20:29

Why does no-one play with him?

I would just focus on your child's behaviour and stick to doing what works for him. "I'm glad you guys had a lovely time. I did notice that X didn't say thank you, if you spend time with his family please remember your manners when you leave" etc.

If you can afford it and want to do it for your son then great, otherwise just let them do their own thing. How was he in terms of politeness otherwise?

He asked me to buy him a slush puppy.

OP posts:
HowzAboutIt · 18/08/2022 20:31

Have the parents contacted you to say thank you?
Guessing not, so you see learned behavior in action.

But yanbu. At 12 they know what manners are.

Original poster
Lennon80 · 18/08/2022 20:32

HowzAboutIt · 18/08/2022 20:31

Have the parents contacted you to say thank you?
Guessing not, so you see learned behavior in action.

But yanbu. At 12 they know what manners are.

Nope nothing! And she has my number!

OP posts:
neighboursmustliveon · 18/08/2022 20:37

Some parents don't instil or remind children of manners. It doesn't mean your child can't be friends with them. Maybe your sons manners will run off on this child?

happinessischocolate · 18/08/2022 20:40

I somehow got roped into to giving one of my sons classmates a lift home from school when they were 12/13, he insisted that I dropped him at his door instead of on the corner which would of been easier and then didn't say thank you. So I loudly said it for him. He thanked me the next time when I dropped him at the corner.

So yes lack of manners pisses me off

girlmom21 · 18/08/2022 20:40

Did he ask you to buy a slush puppy because you'd taken them trampolining without refreshments?

He might not have even thought to say thank you. Did your DS?

It's only the backchatting that would have bothered me.

Expecting your son to break off a friendship with him would be unkind.
Reminding your son to use good manners around him is a better idea.

Eunorition · 18/08/2022 20:41

If all the other parents have already cut contact I think his bad manners are the least of your worries.

Eunorition · 18/08/2022 20:42

Lennon80 · 18/08/2022 20:27

Yes this kid previously was quite nasty to my son and he was scared of him but now they are friends? He also backchatted the woman at the place wouldn’t come off the equipment and she said your band is yellow it’s red now he said ‘well I’m colour blind’ - thought it was funny.

Oh, a bully.

Tollystar · 18/08/2022 20:44

My DS at 12 would have thanked you for the lift reflexively (from years of constant drilling) and would have additionally thanked you for the day out as I would have said that morning "Make sure you say a very loud thank you to X's Mum for taking you out - it is really important". But without such drilling, and prompts, (and years of modelling behaviour) I'm not sure a 12 year old would be self-aware enough to do so.

The fact his parents haven't messaged you to thank you for the day out and express how much the boy enjoyed himself says all you need to know.

So no, I would not hold it against the boy, its not his fault he's been raised that way.

Discovereads · 18/08/2022 20:47

Yeah, this child has been raised poorly and then isolated and excluded because of it. So he’s had no positive role models to know to say thank you and such. So I wouldn’t hold it against him.

Popeyeandolive · 18/08/2022 20:49

I know it's quite MN to say SEN, but my son who is 11 has adhd and ASC and can be spectacularly rude in the way you described. His best friend is undiagnosed but I'd say ASC too. He's very rude. I'd never tell his mum as she'd be mortified. Last time he came over he said. Oh not that again. Why do you always feed me that? (Hes 10). He's quite fussy so it was nuggets and chips which I know he eats.
He also doesn't come off things when I ask. I do tell him off a little.
It's not usual for children to be non-compliant unless other things going on. Spoilt behaviour is completely different. I wouldn't throw this one on the scrap heap if he's a good friend to your boy.
Also adhd children are much younger behaving than children of same age in these kind of areas.

Popeyeandolive · 18/08/2022 20:50

Adhd kids often have adhd parents

jumperoozles · 18/08/2022 20:54

If he was a generally well behaved and nice child I think just forgetting to say thank you isn’t s big deal in itself. The other behaviour sounds rude and annoying though so for those reasons I wouldn’t take him out again not just because of a lack of thank you,

mycatisannoying · 18/08/2022 20:56

It takes a village. You could have gently pointed out to him that the right thing to do is to say thank you.
Y'know, as opposed to seethe and start a thread about it on here ...