To be so annoyed this kid didn’t say thank you.

[Lennon80]

So my son age 12 been hanging about with a kid who all the other parents don’t let their child hang out with - I’ve let him meet up with him this week and today was taking them to this trampoline type place that was 17 quid per kid. I drove him paid him in and dropped him home and as he got out of the car he didn’t say thank you. I’m now thinking he’s very bad mannered and don’t want my son hanging about with him. So how would you feel - basic manners not observed surely a bad sign? He’s not shy at all so no issue there.

Teacher for 30 plus years here- be wary now that this lad doesn’t have you, and your son pegged as a soft touch. Unfortunately, there some people who take your kindness as weakness and try to take advantage. I am shocked he wanted a slushie and at the backchatting too.

Good for you! Obviously I'm doing something wrong!

We had 22 kids aged 6-8 at a party last week. Only 4 of them said please or thank you. The rest were unmannerly, entitled and grabby.

I found your comment quite offensive too @Popeyeandolive. My eldest child is diagnosed ADHD, my youngest isn't yet but no doubt will be and I suspect it runs down from me.

I quite perfectly well know how to use manners and so do my kids, suggesting that ADHD is the reason people don't use manners is offensive.

It sounds to me that this child may have had a rough upbringing and not been taught basic societal expectations, just remind him when he is with you that you expect please and thank you.

No need to be upset that he asked you for a drink, when other people's kids are with me they are treated as part of the family, as such, they are welcome to ask and I am able to respond yes or no, same as with my own kids.

I also disagree that children can't change, depending on the reason the bullying occurred, the child may well still have a bit of a smart mouth on him but be a kind person inside who just hasn't been raised right.

If the not saying thank you is your sole reason for cutting contact I think it's a silly reason and you should consider it carefully.

Sure I'd be a bit miffed with a child (but mainly parents) if they were rude and probably bitch about it to my DP. But I wouldn't cut my child off from being their friend or not take them anywhere again..bit harsh! Sometimes these are the kids who need 'the village'.
And to the teacher of over 30 years- what a poor view of children you have. I.hope you're no longer teachering. You sound like a dinosaur.

Hopefully the budding friendship is now over, OP?

Or you are plotting ways to end it?

He will drag your child down with him.

I let DS invite one of his mates on holiday once. We had this glorious house right on the beach, and they ate their bodyweight in food for a week.

As I dropped him off afterwards, he said 'Thanks for the lift!'. No mention of the bloody holiday! My first instinct was to be pissed off but in the end I had to laugh... he was obviously just awkward.

This was a 17yo by the way.

The manners of the kid you're describing seem to be part of a pattern of behaviour though.

I think you are being a bit over dramatic, he is 12 not 21!

You are the adult, gently remind him to say please and thank you. Sounds like you dislike him and begrudged paying for a slush puppy.

@StoppinBy sums it up perfectly, some replies on here are horrible, he is still a child .

A 12 yo not saying thank you is beyond rude.
But not rude enough to break your their frienship over.

Omg the pp saying that ADHD is an explanation?!?!?!?god no. Stop hiding behind an excuse. Adhd is a problem but NOT an excuse to not being able to say THANK YOU.

No but you didn't actually read what I said.
Clear you know nothing about executive functioning.
I have ADHD too.and extremely polite. My son struggles with social niceties. He also has ASC..and is 11!
My comment.on parents was more forgetfulness
Politeness is important BUT you don't take a child out to get Thanks. Clearly none of you have any idea how this child or other children might live. Politeness isn't a measure to judge people by. He may not even be English (parents). In England we have an extreme form of Politeness not shared everywhere.
Mumsnet is increasingly full of very petty and bitter people who only.see the world through their very narrow lense. Seriously considering leaving out a CHILD because they didn't say thank you on cue. Honestly?!
I'm done!

It’s rude not to say thank you. But he may be on the spectrum (not necessarily but that might explain it. I’m on the spectrum and I’d say thank you but an awful lot don’t if they haven’t specifically been taught!)

You are certainly under no obligation to pay for him to do expensive activities though!

He also backchatted the woman at the place wouldn’t come off the equipment and she said your band is yellow it’s red now he said ‘well I’m colour blind’ - thought it was funny.

Well… it is a little bit funny, from a kid perspective? In some contexts/families that kind of thing is said and taken in fun. Kids often struggle with appropriateness of jokes, and with hitting the right tone when they make them. Depending on how it was delivered (a cheeky "I know I'm trying my luck and don't actually believe you'll fall for it" versus a more genuine attempt to manipulate or force his way) if I were the staff member I'd probably give back a jovial "Well I'm not and you're yellow band — off!" at least initially. I'd imagine this is something they have a lot of experience with, anyway.

But you know how he was behaving more generally, his tone and manner, so perhaps it wasn't just a cheeky boy trying to have a misjudged bit of fun.

Manage your expectations. If his parents are crap, he won’t have been taught social skills.

I just wanted to apologise for being a bit harsh yesterday. It’s hard being a parent and trying to support your kids and help them be happy whilst also protecting them. I do get it, things aren’t always black and white when you are making decisions. Hopefully your son sees him for what he is too. The kid may not have a great background but it doesn’t oblige your son to be his friend, just civil.

I remember the parents of a friend banned me from their house because I forgot to say thank you after a day out. I had fallen on the day out and was in quite a lot of pain when I got home, but tbh I might have forgotten anyway. Young and thoughtless. Although I felt humiliated at the time, in retrospect I was glad to be banned as it taught me a lesson about manners and the need to remember certain things whatever else is happening, as some adults are quite fragile and need to hear certain words in a certain order to be comfortable.

If your DC wants to continue the friendship I would recommend you deal with it as pleasantly as you are able, you could tell him gently but firmly that when he wants to come out with your family again he must always remember to say x, y and z. Maybe his family don’t do that.

On the other hand this kid sounds a bit challenging and you could just drop the days out. £17! Good grief I wouldn’t just pay that out tbh.

Agreed.

Also if you'd say something to your son if he had backchatted, you should've said it to this kid too.

Why can't it be the opposite and OP's child drag him up with him?

At first I was thinking no big deal, but when you mentioned the wrist band thing and that he was previously nasty to your son, it seemed clearer that this kid sounds a little unpleasant.

Whether that's because he just hasn't had the best parenting/ had things reinforced at home, maybe, but I would have a chat to your son about whether this lad is truly his friend or is it just making him feel good that someone who previously bullied him is now wanting to hang around with him?

I think your son might need some support in figuring out this 'friendship' and whether this is a real friend or not.

Some children need prompting. Some respond to subtle 'is there something you want to say about me taking you out today‘. Others need more blunt 'please say thank you to me as that is the polite thing to do' I would ask him to say that next time he comes round. Also lay down some ground rules. it’s ok to to say I expect please and thank yous' and these are the rules in our house.
Just be aware kids are influenced by their mates.
be careful that out of niceness you don’t turn into the nanny

Talk about giving a dog a bad name and hanging it! The boy who bullied my ds in ks1 was lovely by ks2 and has been fine ever since (they are 18 now). Thanks fuck people round here don't think like you.

I can see why other parents don't allow their children to mix with him and I have to say I would be the same. He's had his chance and he's blown it. He's been horrible to your child. You say your child is lovely, so why are you allowing this friendship?

Many, many children aren't as well brought up as the ones being described on here and that doesn't necessarily mean that they are a bad apple - in my job, I know plenty of lovely children who haven't yet picked up on the social niceties, and who might not have remembered. I'd mention to your own child that you were surprised he didn't say thank you (a lesson for your own DS!). If they become friends, he will mention it, and you'll get a thank you next time.

I'd be more worried that no one else on the street lets their children play with him. That is quite extreme for someone who just doesn't say thank you! If the family are noticeably different it might be snobbery, but it could also be that there is worse to come ...

Get to know him better before you judge.

Yes I’ve got him in groups today and Saturday and three days next week. I’ll have to fill the other days!

I am really big on manners. Instilled it into al my children.

One of my DC would never say thank you. He was painfully shy and hated any communication with adults. Thankfully grew out of it !

Could this be the case with the child ?

Presumably not given the bad attitude at the trampoline centre