To ask the real reason you turned down that invite

[Noiamnotshe]

Saw another thread about relatives not going to family events and why should they need an excuse or should they go no Contact etc well I have lots of reasons to say no but I dont give reasons, wondering why you turned down that family birthday party/wedding/kids picnic, work event/girls drinks I have turned a relative birthday dinner, friends parties, weddings and work events down without excuses as don't want to tell people the reasons which have varied from

1. husband is being complete twat and don't want to be anywhere near him
2. uncles are total alcoholics and don't want to be bothered with the hassle of hearing tales of their drama and shit behaviour
3. another relative is complete racist and don't want to be in toxic company where I have to bite tongue and not say anything so as not to cause issue
4. too hot
5. feeling too stressed to pretend to be normal and have a happy conversation and not tell them all my worries
6. nothing to wear
7. not been to hairdresser in too long
8. can't really afford it
9. haven't the energy for smalltalk rather watch TV or read
10. it's too cold
11. I want to binge watch something I2) other relatives are very snobby and judgemental can't be bothered
12. it's too far to drive
13. very very tired
14. I do not want to mix with corporate banking people outside of work What's your excuse?

Last proper party invite. I said I couldn't make it. What I really meant was:

I'm single. Being single at a party where you don't know many people is really hard work unless you're incredibly gregarious. I'm not.
The few people I'll know there were friends at university. That was a long time ago, and - based on the last time we met - we don't have a lot in common now.
I'd have to stay for at least one night or stay very very sober and then drive home. Neither really appeals.
If it's like your last party, it will be incredibly glitzy and have cost you a fortune. I'll feel out of place.

And some women on here wonder why they're struggling socially

It's worth pointing out that I'd never dip out of an invite (or not turn up) after having initially accepted it, as that's just rude!

1-big spot
2-haven’t washed hair
3-already eaten
4-want a night to myself
5-nothing to wear
6-don’t want to waste a babysitter on that
7-rainy/cold outside

but if I do go to something I make sure I’m fully in the moment and apparently terribly great fun!

So depressing to read that several don't go because of weight gain. That's me too. There was a mini family reunion of extended family (between us we live in four different deferent countries). I didn't go simply because I knew they'd all be looking at me and thinking one thing: OMG what has happened to her!
I was invited to a wedding back in February taking place in November. I was going to accept even though I barely even know the bride or groom as I thought I'd loose weight - nope and now I'm not going.
There are no photos of me and my kids due to my weight.
I am reluctant to do the retraining I need for career advancement due to my weight.
And don't anyone me say 'just lose it' or 'if you wanted to enough you would lose it'. Not helpful.

It's a bit of a leap to assume that posters on this thread don't know how to socialise and need to "learn". This thread is about reasons people have declined to attend events, but that doesn't mean they never attend any! I've posted a few reasons why I might give some less important social things a miss but for every one I skip there are many more I attend and have a great time. Not feeling obliged to attend every social thing you're invited to doesn't mean you're some sort of hermit with no social skills.

I'm not struggling socially, thanks. But I am really struggling with menopause symptoms and the hot weather made a bad situation worse. So why would I force myself into a situation where I'm going to feel unwell and uncomfortable for no good reason?

That is sad to read. What do you think would help you?

@neverbeenskiing I think the pp might have been commenting on the person who wondered why you wouldn't want to go in the heat - doesn't scream tact!

@Leafy3 it's the same person!

Invited to bbq at SIL house. Told them I was poorly but these were the actual reasons

Your kitchen is absolutely hanging. Dead insects, not been cleaned ever, piles of stuff everywhere. I don't wanna eat a single thing that's come from it

I came to all your kids birthday parties despite being young and childless, now I have my own DC you don't bother with ours. Thanks for that

We have nothing in common and I don't fancy being sat there for 4 hours with no alcohol making painful small talk

Your husbands best mate stares aggressively

I'm allergic to your many animals and you think it's funny when they jump up at me and I come out in white and red welts

I don't like being judged for eating something because I'm fat and people will absolutely make comments or make remarks if I have anything but a salad

Your house smells of wet dog and my children get filthy from sitting on the couch

All very sad really but that was the reason!

Can’t afford to
have nothing to wear (put on a few pounds)
can’t deal with the drama and gossiping
double booked (do that often)
can’t stand their partner
don’t have the energy or time
dont fancy being judged
child with ASD would struggle
childcare issues

Most recently:

because I didn’t want to feel stuck with Jerry and Margot and middle class oneupmanship

My social anxiety makes me work very hard in social settings, so I’m worried that I’ll overdo it and make a tit of myself, and the whole prospect is so utterly exhausting that I really would rather not bother at all. No offence.

I look sociable out and about but it completely exhausts me. I have various chronic conditions and can just about manage doing one thing a day, sometimes.

With one particular relative, it's because the entire time is spent taking the piss out of me and berating me for whatever takes their fancy that day.

Eczema on my face.
You live in the arse end of Essex, I'd rather meet in Central London
I'm fed up of it all being about you a the time.
Villa are on the telly....

I prefer being at home and I only leave the house if it's going to be better than being at home.

Because I discovered that one of the drama queens that used to work for me was also going, and I didn't want to have to pretend anymore that she's not a complete arsehole, thus ruining my own evening.

I won't eat out, celiac and can't be arsed to deal with secret menus.

Luckily only one friend (is she?) who is creepy to my husband. She still keeps asking for us to meet up with our husbands though.

Do enjoy pubs, music and children free events

1. I can't be arsed getting ready
2. By the time i'm ready, I'll want to get into my pyjamas
3. I've been peopling all day at work and I don't want to spend my night doing it too
4. My cat has been on her own all day
5. Your taste in music is shit and I don't want to have to pretend I like it
6. You insist on ordering food platters when I hate sharing food
7. You all sit around talking 'shop' about your shared roles that I can't contribute to
8. Your other topic of conversation is some crappy reality tv program when I don't watch any telly at all
9. I hate oaying extortionate prices for drinks
10. I'm about a stone too heavy for all my nice clothes
11. Quite frankly, I'd rather stay at home and write

I just genuinely can't be arsed having a conversation with people

Sorry to say it but you have a DH problem.

Turned down two "school night" evening-only wedding invitations, neither of which were particularly local because I wasn't going to take time off work for someone when neither of us were that important to each other.

Someone I know blew out her best friend's 50th because her feet hurt.

Because I can’t afford to say yes to everything. Because I feel so fat having put on loads of weight recently. Because I hate drinking and don’t want to give in to it. Because I am tired. Because I would rather play tennis or watch TV. Because I am sick of eating big meals. Because I am a bit phobic about eating food cooked at other people’s houses. Most of this started during lockdown!

if i'm going through a period of being a bit antisocial and not fancying big parties or events, I just say I'm not really in a party mood, would prefer to meet for a meal 1:1.
If I'm feeling really antisocial, that won't happen either . otherwise will follow up and arrange a date to do that.