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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what in life has made you saddest and how you ever got over it?

377 replies

Danceswithduck · 17/08/2022 18:32

Something in life hasn’t worked out I hoped / expected it would. It feels a bit like heartbreak - that’s all I can liken it to.
Im so sad and could cry all the time. I cannot say what it is as it is so identifying to me.

What made you the saddest you’ve ever been and how did you get over it? Or learn to live with it?

OP posts:
Ratbagcatbag · 18/08/2022 18:01

@Skethylita sending hugs.

I genuinely thought I'd posted and not realised.

Swap birds for cats and im exactly the same as you.

I generally am fine with life, and find the excitement and happiness. But those moments of loneliness hurt.

For me, getting my new passport and leaving the emergency contact details blank as I have no next of kin or anyone I can really list on it. That made me realise just how lonely my life is.

Mannymoomin · 18/08/2022 18:16

@WagnersFourthSymphony @Friars23 thank you.

I’m one of those that bottles everything up, cry alone, and self harm to take the pain away, the self harming definitely helps, in that the pain I inflict on myself distracts me from everything.
In RL nobody would have a clue anything was wrong, I’m generally the one that turns the room into laughter, I suppose that’s my way of trying to help other people not to feel as shite as I do.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 18/08/2022 19:02

My mum died suddenly when I was 12. It was singularly the worst thing that has happened in my life. One thing I have learned is that nothing (barring something bad happening to DD) will be as bad as that. I can cope with practically anything now.

Gensola · 18/08/2022 19:10

I disagree with PPs saying everyone’s emotions are valid etc - read the room. If someone is telling you about losing a child or a parent or being sexually abused you don’t start whinging about breaking a nail or not getting your dream job. Context is king!

TerriblyNaice · 18/08/2022 20:17

MsRosley · 17/08/2022 23:51

Horrible suffering that people inflict on animals makes me sadder than I can sometimes bear.

Thank you. That's made me feel less alone as I'm the same and sometimes can't bare the pain.

Greenpolkadot · 18/08/2022 20:37

What makes me really sad is how I was treated by my parents when I got pregnant at 15 in 1972.
I wasn't promiscuous at all,it was just a did it once got caught type of thing.
From the very beginning I was told that I would be having the baby adopted.
The wouldn't let me go out during the day incase anyone saw me. I could go out in the garden for some fresh air once it had got dark. They sent me to a mother and baby home which was terrible. The other girls were bitchy and said they couldn't see how id got pregnant ,I was so ugly.
I had no support, nobody to tell me what would happen during labour and delivery.
My mother would look at my bump and shudder with disgust.
After the birth and my son was taken away for adoption,I went home from the hospital and it was e spoken if again.Like it had never happened

Flauralaura · 18/08/2022 20:37

When I was 16, my previously lovely dad started to change in negative ways which were initially hard to identify. Over the next couple of years, he grew into a terrifying and unpredictable stranger who behaved uncharacteristically badly at home and in public. My mum completely fell apart and my little brother and I had to keep all the pieces together. There was almost no recognition of mental health issues then and we tried to keep it all secret within the family. I became a complete wreck, trying to hold down a job, keep my dad's dignity,, support my mum and behave like a normal carefree young person, but I lived in a constant state of panic, confusion and fear. I couldn't sleep, had panic attacks and was even too scared to eat in anyone else's presence because I shook so much I couldn't operate a knife and fork! Eventually he was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive form of dementia which, whilst devastating, at least gave us an understanding of what was going on. He continued to decline until his death four years later. I miss my lovely dad so much. I am so, so sad that he died so young and that his cruel illness had such a terrible effect on the family he loved so much.

Vampirethriller · 18/08/2022 20:47

@Greenpolkadot I'm so so sorry.

TirisfalPumpkin · 18/08/2022 20:53

@Greenpolkadot I want to hug you through my screen.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL · 18/08/2022 20:53

Greenpolkadot · 18/08/2022 20:37

What makes me really sad is how I was treated by my parents when I got pregnant at 15 in 1972.
I wasn't promiscuous at all,it was just a did it once got caught type of thing.
From the very beginning I was told that I would be having the baby adopted.
The wouldn't let me go out during the day incase anyone saw me. I could go out in the garden for some fresh air once it had got dark. They sent me to a mother and baby home which was terrible. The other girls were bitchy and said they couldn't see how id got pregnant ,I was so ugly.
I had no support, nobody to tell me what would happen during labour and delivery.
My mother would look at my bump and shudder with disgust.
After the birth and my son was taken away for adoption,I went home from the hospital and it was e spoken if again.Like it had never happened

I'm so so sorry Flowers

How old would your child be now?

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL · 18/08/2022 20:54

Sorry just seen it was 1972, so they'd be 50? X

Blossomtoes · 18/08/2022 20:56

So sorry @Greenpolkadot. The same thing happened to one of my friends, she’s never recovered. 💐

NotMeekNotObedient · 18/08/2022 21:10

My mother dying.

Time does help but I'll always miss her.

JockTamsonsBairns · 18/08/2022 22:53

@23Elfie that doesn't sound like a "pity party" at all. I absolutely understand what you wrote, and I can completely identify with it.
Never think that your circumstances need to be 'worse' than others' in order to be valid.
I hope life turns out well for you in the long run ❤️

User4223131 · 18/08/2022 22:55

Suetwo · 18/08/2022 14:17

God, these posts are so sad. Reading them, I kept thinking of some lines from a Larkin poem:

"We should be careful
Of each other, we should be kind
While there is still time."

The longer I live, the more convinced I am kindness is the most important thing in life. It's the first thing I look for in someone. If they have a kind heart, I can forgive them almost anything.

@Suetwo I agree with you. Imagine a world without it. We’d have nothing.

Skethylita · 18/08/2022 22:55

For me, getting my new passport and leaving the emergency contact details blank as I have no next of kin or anyone I can really list on it. That made me realise just how lonely my life is.

I had forgotten about that. Yes, that is a stark reminder, and, in the case of filling this in at work, utterly humiliating, too.

User4223131 · 18/08/2022 22:59

@Greenpolkadot I’m so incredibly sorry for what you have been through. Would you like to tell us about your son? What age will he be now?
Have you ever thought about trying to find him? (I apologise if that’s an insensitive question. I’m not sure if records etc make that possible for you to do.)

JockTamsonsBairns · 18/08/2022 23:58

@ColdLasagna99 your post made me feel so sad for you 😢.
Please try to find some peace with your decision. You did what you could in the circumstances, and that's the best you had.
I really feel for you, and hope you're ok 💐

Grapeflavour · 19/08/2022 00:11

My lovely, lovely grandparents (both with early-ish stage dementia) both dying from Covid within a couple of months of each other. We were in full lockdown stage and couldn't visit either of them. They were frightened and alone - I fear they thought we couldn't be bothered to visit them because they didnt really understand Covid. I think about both of them every day and feel desperately sad that I wasn't there for them when they had always been there for me. It's a level of sadness I have never known and feel every single day.

JockTamsonsBairns · 19/08/2022 01:03

TalkSomeSense1 · 18/08/2022 09:58

Not having a mum and dad like everyone else did. Parents who did things with them and for them. It's made me very detached and able to just shut the door on people and events. Not having lots of people round my table for Christmas dinner. It's what I want more than anything - that bustle and joy and laughter and obvious love. I don't know any of either parent's extended family - I have aunties and cousins and uncles but couldn't pick them out of a line up. That makes me cry sometimes.

But I have a wonderful husband. A warm and happy home. You never get over the 'trauma' and belief you are somehow deficient though and it has caused issues throughout my life. Even after being married for so long, I still have the belief I am unlovable and difficult.

@TalkSomeSense1 I could have written this, word for word.
I'm so sorry, I completely get what you're describing.

JockTamsonsBairns · 19/08/2022 01:19

Greenpolkadot · 18/08/2022 20:37

What makes me really sad is how I was treated by my parents when I got pregnant at 15 in 1972.
I wasn't promiscuous at all,it was just a did it once got caught type of thing.
From the very beginning I was told that I would be having the baby adopted.
The wouldn't let me go out during the day incase anyone saw me. I could go out in the garden for some fresh air once it had got dark. They sent me to a mother and baby home which was terrible. The other girls were bitchy and said they couldn't see how id got pregnant ,I was so ugly.
I had no support, nobody to tell me what would happen during labour and delivery.
My mother would look at my bump and shudder with disgust.
After the birth and my son was taken away for adoption,I went home from the hospital and it was e spoken if again.Like it had never happened

@Greenpolkadot I am so sorry. What a horrific experience for you. 💐

Lofari · 19/08/2022 08:00

I have 2. The first was when my youngest was diagnosed with a life limiting muscle wasting condition and the consultant followed up the bombshell with.....oh but now you qualify for Make A Wish.
The second was very recently finding out someone I considered a friend absolutely slated me on social media and people I trusted joined in. The life of a parent of a poorly child is lonely at the best of times so finding out you can't trust your friends was devastating

blackpearwhitelilies · 19/08/2022 12:40

Lofari · 19/08/2022 08:00

I have 2. The first was when my youngest was diagnosed with a life limiting muscle wasting condition and the consultant followed up the bombshell with.....oh but now you qualify for Make A Wish.
The second was very recently finding out someone I considered a friend absolutely slated me on social media and people I trusted joined in. The life of a parent of a poorly child is lonely at the best of times so finding out you can't trust your friends was devastating

That sounds so hurtful. I’m so sorry.

tootiredtoocare · 19/08/2022 14:03

@SomeCleverUsername it's the 'it's not that bad' or 'she could be worse' comments. I know they're trying to be positive, but, actually, it is pretty fckn bad and how much 'worse' do you want her to be? And the, 'special kids are given to special parents' is rubbish too. If we're special, it's because she made us so, but actually, we're not special, we're just parents trying to get by. Sometimes I wish people would let me feel sorry for myself and for us as a family.

SomeCleverUsername · 19/08/2022 14:10

@tootiredtoocare totally agree. Have you seen any of Yvonne Newbold's stuff? I now give myself some time (limited) to feel the sad, disappointed, stressed feelings, wallow in it a little bit then move on rather than just pretending I don't feel like that.