What is this DP does?

[rainonme7]

Im really trying to keep this as brief as possible.

I'll be watching a TV series, it might be one I've been watching for a couple of weeks. One day partner will sit and start asking questions about the series such as "so who's that?", "are they together?" Etc ...
before I know it, DP is watching it with me.

Then if I go to watch an episode - DP will say "are you watching it without me? I wanted to watch it with you because I like it".

So I'll suggest us watching it now, DP will say something like "I'm not in the mood to watch it right now". Or something. So then I don't watch it because DP wants us to watch it together.

Time passes and I'll suggest again "do you want to watch X...." and DP will say no. But then doesn't want me to watch it either unless we both are.

This has happened with loads of series/ films etc...

So earlier this week I went back to watching a series where this happened and I haven't returned to watch it in 2 years!
So I've been watching it. DP walks into living room and says "you're watching this? We were watching this together? And now you're watching it without me?"

So I said "we were watching it but then you never felt in the mood to watch it and it's been 2 years now and I want to finish it off!"

So DP says "well I would like to watch it with you again". So I replied "ok shall we watch it now then because I'm watching it".
DP then says "I don't really fancy watching it tonight".
So I carry on watching it and DP says "are you still going to watch it?" And looks sad and disappointed so I just switched it off.

But this happens with so many series, films, etc. it winds me up because I feel like I can't watch a series on my own without this happening.

What's going on?!

DP tries to do this about swimming. When he worked in the office, I used to swim 2--3 times a week. When he started working from home, he suggested it would be nice to go together... which it was, two or three times. Then it would be 'No, I've got a meeting, it'll have to be tomorrow' for ages, followed by 'We don't really use that pool membership, either of us, we should cancel it.'

At which point I realised that his wish to 'go together' meant that I wasn't getting to go at all. Sod that. I now say 'I'm swimming this evening, coming?'

He's now trying the same thing about running -- 'It would be nice if you rejigged your running days so we can both go.'

Nope.

So once he's now decided you can't watch it, and you've turned it off, what do you both do instead? This is what interests me? Do you then find something you genuinely DO both want to watch? Or does he then leave the room and you're supposed to find something else to do? Or does he then insist on watching something HE wants to watch?

We've had similar a few times but we get so little time to watch tv together when we're BOTH up for it that we are agreed that we can only have one programme we want to watch together happening at a time. And if the other one doesn't feel like watching that on a specific day, there are plenty of things that we both want to watch depending on who has control of the remote!

“Yes, I’m watching this now. You’re welcome to join me, but if you don’t want to could you get me a glass of wine and some Pringles before you wander off.”

I’m astounded at some of the responses here . It wouldn’t occur to me to ask anyone to hang fire so we could ‘watch something together’ and I would not respond positively if asked not to watch something so DH could watch it with me at another time? Why on earth are some of you going along with this? If he wants to watch with you he needs to catch up on it in his own time and then join you.

He's got fomo

Some people learn to hide their controlling behaviour behind something that is socially acceptable. Try reading books and see how he reacts.

He's manipulating you (possibly not consciously or intentionally). Don't get sidetracked by that.

It's one thing if he says "Oh, you're starting Malory Towers Series 2? I REALLY want to watch that with you, but I have a cake in the oven and I''m on an emergency call for work and I promised Dave next door I'd help him with his rosebushes at 4; could we watch it tonight after dinner instead?" Then you have a choice of saying no and watching it now alone or waiting a reasonable and finite amount of time and watching it together. What he's offering you, though, is the "choice" of saying no and watching it alone and dealing with his pouting (which was absolutely an option) or never watching it at all. Might as well just go ahead and watch it.

Same 😂

Tell him to watch it himself!

I, as others on here agree it sounds like a control thing rather than him actually wanting to watch it. What do you do when you turn it off? Do you then watch something he is in the mood for?

Just watch it and then watch it again with him if he wants to.

I just watch what I want to watch, when I want to watch it regardless of what my OH wants.
I can't believe people actually let someone else dictate to them.
Why do you accept it? You're not a child!

Me and DH watch a good shot of shows together and I would wait for him but within reason. I have in the past told him I'm sick of waiting for him to watch a particular show so I'm going ahead on my own, he's never bothered though, generally they're ones he's lost interest in anyway and if he did want to finish it he'll just do it on his own because he's not a big baby

This is mad. Just watch what you want. Don't even discuss it with him.

This. Stop pandering to this bollocks.

And I doubt it's the only weirdly manipulative and annoying thing he does.

Why are you allowing this, OP?

The only acceptable thing for him to to say if he happens upon you watching something interesting is 'Do you mind if I join you?' You say Yes or No; he sits down there and then, or leaves quietly. That's it.

Why are you contorting yourself in hopes of some bizarre co-dependent bonding experience, that never actually happens anyway?

Why does he do it? He doesn't like seeing you immersed in your own life, your own interests, your own pleasure, on anything other than him.

I can't believe you switched it off. Your response to him saying 'are you still going to watch it?' Should have been 'yes. You catch up when you're ready and we'll watch the next one together' and repeat if he hasn't caught up.

Sounds controlling/needy/selfish

Could not ne fucked with that and would def not be pandering to it.

The things some women put up with just to have a man.
There is no way this is the only subtle control over what you do thing he has going on.

My Husband and I both do this to each other! We get annoyed and then watch a film together.

Both of us end up binge watching a few episodes when we’re on our own. We never seem to end up watching the same series though, so only one of us watches a whole series of something and not the other. Total madness!

Ooh this reminds me of my ex with the bath. In the morning if we both needed a bath/shower, he'd say he needed to go first because he had to leave for work, so I couldn't go before him. Then he'd sit around and not go. If I said "well I'll nip in before you" he'd say "No! I need to go first, I was just about to!" Then sit around again. And so on 🙄

Agree with PPs it's controlling behaviour, though he might not be consciously trying to be controlling, he's uncomfortable about you having something that interests you that's nothing to do with him, or doing something without his say-so, so he has to muscle in. And he simply doesn't care that he's stopping you from watching what you want to for years!

I'd LTB - because honestly after years of PA shit like this I just can't stand it at all. But otherwise, just say "I'm fed up of waiting so I'm watching that programme, I'm planning to watch it on Tuesday nights [or whatever], watch it with me or don't but I'm not waiting any longer". Then do. If he tries to ruin it for you / have a fight over it then you know he doesn't care about your feelings at all.

Tell him to stop with the mind games and don't switch anything off ! Watch what you want when you want.

He is doing it on purpose, he is enjoying it.

😆 I've been giggling for ages over this!

I think I'm your dp. I keep on intending to watch things but then I find I'm never in the mood. I'd say it's very annoying