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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

August babies shouldn't be allowed to move down a year

972 replies

SapphosRock · 17/08/2022 07:53

My DD has a late August birthday, she is 6 nearly 7 and about to go into Year 3.

A friend in her class (let's call her Lucy) has an early August birthday but was allowed to move down a year. She is already 8.

No special needs, her mum just decided she would prefer her DD to be the oldest in the class rather than one of the youngest.

This has impacted my DD in a few ways. She is good at sports but being the youngest means she doesn't often win. On Sports Day Lucy came first in the year 2 running race. My DD came 4th so missed out on a medal.

Lucy had a sleepover for her 8th birthday and invited the girls in DD's class. Most went but I didn't think DD was ready for a sleepover as she's still only 6 so she missed out on a fun party.

Lucy got the biggest speaking part in the Christmas play as she is the most confident and articulate.

AIBU and precious to think Lucy should have been kept in the correct year group?

OP posts:
Plumbear2 · 18/08/2022 10:27

SapphosRock · 18/08/2022 10:17

I'm focusing on my DD and her welfare, that's not the 'wrong thing'

Thats good. Now all you have to do is allow Lucys parents to do the same for their child.

CoffeeWithNiles · 18/08/2022 10:28

SapphosRock · 18/08/2022 10:18

That's a good point @CoffeeWithNiles hadn't thought of it that way

The reality is that we all make decisions for our children. Sometimes they are right and sometimes not. I’ve got 3 boys and with hindsight I would have made very different decisions for number 2, but I don’t have a time machine and have to accept that we are where we are and get on with it - interestingly he’s my only summer born and I rejected holding him back a year on entry to secondary school (private school so possible) - it was a mistake with life long implications.

Ponygirl00 · 18/08/2022 10:28

Massively unreasonable. You just sound like you’re having a massive winge because you didn’t take advantage of the summer born legislation. This is not ‘Lucy’s or Lucy’s mums fault or problem - it’s yours, get over it, concentrate on your own child. You will realise how ridiculous you’re being when your child is older.

Original poster
SapphosRock · 18/08/2022 10:31

So tell me how has Lucy being in the class disadvantaged your child? Please don’t use 4th place in a running race or your decision that she was too young for a sleepover.

These things matter to a six year old.

Having an alpha female in the class will always be a challenge for girls who are less confident.
In Lucy's case she is taller, stronger, more confident and more articulate which highlights the 13 month age gap between her and my DD.

OP posts:
Plumbear2 · 18/08/2022 10:35

SapphosRock · 18/08/2022 10:31

So tell me how has Lucy being in the class disadvantaged your child? Please don’t use 4th place in a running race or your decision that she was too young for a sleepover.

These things matter to a six year old.

Having an alpha female in the class will always be a challenge for girls who are less confident.
In Lucy's case she is taller, stronger, more confident and more articulate which highlights the 13 month age gap between her and my DD.

But your child won't always be 6. But not delaying Lucy's entry to school could very well have disrupted her entire education right through to GCSE. Your job is to support your child deal with 6 year old issues. Its Lucy's parents job to do what's right for her child educationally right though school.

MichelleScarn · 18/08/2022 10:37

Describing a 6 yo who happened to win a p1 sports race as an 'alpha female' 🤔

TheKeatingFive · 18/08/2022 10:37

Having an alpha female in the class will always be a challenge for girls who are less confident.

Alpha females exist. They'll always be something your daughter needs to navigate. Getting het up about Lucy being 13 months older rather than 12 comes across as a bit ridiculous.

Concentrate on your own child rather than situations out of your control and not really your business.

TheKeatingFive · 18/08/2022 10:39

Describing a 6 yo who happened to win a p1 sports race as an 'alpha female'

😂

To be fair, I remember queen bee types existing in reception. It was nothing to do with age though, the most prominent was one of the younger kids in the class,

TheKeatingFive · 18/08/2022 10:42

Thing is, you don't actually have any gripe with Lucy's mum. Everything she's doing is above board and legit. If you think this is wrong your issue is with the school. And I'm sure I can imagine what response you'd get if you took this to the head.

Scottishskifun · 18/08/2022 10:42

You sound more and more bitter as your posts go on OP.
This has nothing to do with Lucy or the age gap it would be 11 months and 30 days for a Sept 1st child potentially.

You decided to not defer your child that's what you saw in her best interests it was in Lucys to defer.

I really don't get why you have such a bee in your bonnet as other posters have said this is pretty norm in scotland and mine will be deferred due to emotional and social no one bats an eyelid to this.

Get over it and concentrate on supporting your Dd if she is emotionally behind.

Original poster
SapphosRock · 18/08/2022 10:43

Lucy was 7 almost 8 when she won the race. It's DD who is 6.

I have definitely known 8 year old alpha females!

OP posts:
TheKeatingFive · 18/08/2022 10:44

I have definitely known 8 year old alpha females!

And 4,5,6,7 year old AF. Their age isn't terribly relevant to your child learning to deal with them

DreamToNightmare · 18/08/2022 10:45

SapphosRock · 18/08/2022 10:31

So tell me how has Lucy being in the class disadvantaged your child? Please don’t use 4th place in a running race or your decision that she was too young for a sleepover.

These things matter to a six year old.

Having an alpha female in the class will always be a challenge for girls who are less confident.
In Lucy's case she is taller, stronger, more confident and more articulate which highlights the 13 month age gap between her and my DD.

Alpha Female 😀

If I had sent my son to school at just turned four there would be children in his class who were 11-12 months older than him and that’s perfectly okay in yours eyes but God Forbid there is someone in your child’s year who is 13 months older than her and it’s scandalous!!

Open your eyes and see the hypocrisy of what you are saying.

There is a child who is in my eldest son’s class who is 14 months older than him and it’s very clear to see by the size of the other child. Does it bother me? Of course not! His presence in the class don’t not impact on my child’s educational or physical abilities at all.

My son is who he is, he can do some things better than others and I’m proud of all he is capable of - I certainly don’t spend my time worrying about what the 9 year old can do and how this makes my son ‘look’ in comparison.

Plumbear2 · 18/08/2022 10:46

SapphosRock · 18/08/2022 10:43

Lucy was 7 almost 8 when she won the race. It's DD who is 6.

I have definitely known 8 year old alpha females!

And your dd was 6 almost 7. Stop trying to make out it's a 2 year age gap. Its not.

Namenic · 18/08/2022 10:47

I’m sure alpha queen bee females can be sept-Mar or jul-aug kids too. Your dd could have met them in a different area and could meet them in the future. Just try to prepare her for how to deal with them. Focus on self improvement rather than comparison to others. Or maybe hold her back a year if you’re concerned.

DreamToNightmare · 18/08/2022 10:47

SapphosRock · 18/08/2022 10:43

Lucy was 7 almost 8 when she won the race. It's DD who is 6.

I have definitely known 8 year old alpha females!

Stop trying to imply there is a 2 year age gap. You’ve don’t it lots of time through the thread and you’re just making yourself look silly.

Usernamehell · 18/08/2022 10:59

SapphosRock · 18/08/2022 10:43

Lucy was 7 almost 8 when she won the race. It's DD who is 6.

I have definitely known 8 year old alpha females!

If she was 7 almost 8, your DD was 6 almost 7.

Because DD was in a mixed age nursery, she has always enjoyed playing with older children and regularly plays with children in years older than her during playtime at school. They all have different personalities and the majority are more confident and articulate than her. This isn't a bad thing, she picks up some skills from them. You're making negatives out of things that are not a problem

Jellycatspyjamas · 18/08/2022 11:03

*Having an alpha female in the class will always be a challenge for girls who are less confident.

In Lucy's case she is taller, stronger, more confident and more articulate which highlights the 13 month age gap between her and my DD.*

There will always be brighter, more articulate kids. If you were focused on your own child’s welfare you’d be building her confidence, working on her resilience and focussing on the things that make her a fantastic human being.

As it is you’re ascribing her success or otherwise to another child, putting her self esteem in the hands of others and frankly sounding bitter towards a child who is simply turning up to school and doing her best.

Comparison is the thief of joy, stop comparing your child and take pleasure in her achievements and her qualities.

What are you going to do when she reaches high school and there are many, many children who excel in areas she doesn’t?

88milesanhour · 18/08/2022 11:05

SapphosRock · 18/08/2022 09:13

I think sports is a good example as it illustrates the unfairness,

Of course a girl 13 months older than my DD will be taller, stronger and faster so when they compete with one another in sports my DD will lose.

As a consequence My DD doesn't believe she is good at sport. Who knows how this will affect her future self esteem or participation in sports?

And yes I know this would happen anyway with a child 12 months older but why should it be made worse?

So you tell her repeatedly what a good acheivement it is and if it's important to her that she's better you look at ways she can do better eg joining an athletics club. Point out that the winner was older if you must but dwell on how great she already is and how to improve not how 'unfair' the world is when the perceived advantage is probably more negligiable than you think. That's how you help a child be resilient

Plumbear2 · 18/08/2022 11:07

I think you should move on from this. There will always be children who are bigger then your child, better at sports, other subjects. Your child will be better that things than others. This will happen all the more at secondary. This will happen to children in the correct year group aswell. As a parent you are going to need to toughen up because other parents will always make decisions about there children which you may not agree with, that's their right.

timeforfunfunfun · 18/08/2022 11:07

I actually agree with OP.

there needs to be point where children just join the year group they’re meant to join.

im in Scotland and my friend’s son is turning 5 in september and they’ve deferred him. No issues with him just that they want him at nursery for another year.

that means a child born in September 2017 can be in a class with a child born in February 2019. That almost 18 months difference will be huge when it comes to cognitive awareness and abilities.

not to mention he’ll be nearly 19 when he finishes school - a man ffs not a child 😂

Yumtr · 18/08/2022 11:10

Timeforfunfunfun yes this is exactly the issue where we are too.

Jellycatspyjamas · 18/08/2022 11:12

there needs to be point where children just join the year group they’re meant to join.

There is a cut off point though, in Scotland if they aren’t 5 at the start of the school year they can defer. So September born won’t be 5 so parents can defer. It may not be the choice you’d make but it’s consistent with legislation.

TheKeatingFive · 18/08/2022 11:17

not to mention he’ll be nearly 19 when he finishes school - a man ffs not a child

I can't understand why anyone would give the slightest shit about this. It's not like 19 year olds are known for their searing maturity.

His working life will probably be longer than previous generations, leaving school at 19 is neither here nor there

Katerpillaer · 18/08/2022 11:17

SapphosRock · 18/08/2022 09:51

Can someone please explain why an 11 month age gap between Lucy and her oldest peer is so unacceptable she has to move year groups but a 13 month age gap between Lucy and my DD is completely acceptable?

Both children are developmentally normal in every way.

You keep misunderstanding the disadvantage/advantage in this situation. It is not about the age gap, it is about individual children. Children are disadvantaged by starting school aged 4 if they are not ready. They gain an advantage over themselves by starting aged 5. Not over the other children in the class. Lucy's parents wanted to give her the best chance she could have by starting her aged 5 instead of 4, it wasn't about avoiding the age gap.