To ask if the second child is always worse?

[sevenoh]

Morning all,

I currently have an 19 month old toddler and honestly he's been a dream baby - he's slept through the night from 12 weeks old, barely cried whilst teething, happy to entertain himself, he's actually still in bed now from half 7 last night (will probably wake up between 7.30-8) etc I mean now he's coming up to two he can throw a cracking tantrum but he's been a pretty easy baby and I know I'm very lucky.

However, when he turns 22 months old we'll be having a baby girl and the amount of people who describe the situation as "brave" is really making me nervous like I understand all babies are different but people are saying things like oh the second is always worse, she'll never sleep, she'll do this, that and the other and basically I'm giving birth to a tiny satan (joking).

Although saying that with my first everyone said I'll never sleep again, I'll never get any free time etc you know all the horrifying things people say to new parents.

So I was just wondering is it really always the case that the second one is "worse" than the first one or is it just all babies are different no matter what order they are born in?

My second was easier than my first! Don’t listen to the horror stories, people always have something to say but they have no idea what your lovely baby will be like.

My second was a better sleeper in the early days. Now as a toddler he's definitely wilder.

Don't worry about the future just deal with what you've got in the present.

My first was very hard work and the second was a doddle. Some people have it the other way round, some people have two nightmares and some people have two easy ones. Luck of the draw!

Please just want to say something for the sake of it, with no actual basis in fact to what they’re spouting !

DC1 hardly slept, fed all the time, nearly destroyed me. DC2 and DC3 a million times more efficient with their feeding and longer sleeping patterns.

Well, my first was an arsehole so god help me if number two is worse…

I think people like to say horrifying things to parents, generally. They just adapt the thing according to the situation.

I think people are saying you're brave for having two close together. I think. I'm not sure! It seems a weird thing to say.

And most people find the second is easier than the first because you're more experienced and more relaxed.

Mine are 20 months apart and the eldest was a happy baby but not a great sleeper. Second was incredibly easy, I felt very lucky!

My 1st was a doddle. 2nd was a nightmare & 3rd was text book. Pot luck.

My 'nightmare' is now the one I'm closest to, so all of those extra hours he needed (that drove me to despair & medication at the time) feel like they were worth it.

It's random I think! Although it seems a lot of people worry less about their second baby which does make it easier in some ways! Mine were pretty similar as babies, and very different as toddlers - not really easier/harder, just different challenges.

You may just be getting comments as it’s quite a small age gap. Maybe it isn’t statistically, I’m not sure. But most people I know waited three years generally because of childcare costs.

I agree that people love to scare other people but I do also think you should prepare yourself for much worse sleep - sleeping through from 12 weeks is fairly unusual. I also think many toddlers regress when a new baby comes along so you may find your perfect eldest isn't like that for a while.

I love having two, it is so lovely to see their bond, there are tons of upsides, but you should be aware your second may well be very different and that your first will change too

My second baby was an absolute dream. Sleep, feeding, never cried… but he was a nightmare from 15m-3 years old. 😅

25 months apart. First baby was also an easy baby and lovely toddler. Always slept, always eaten, plays on his own and although tantrums and gets upset, can navigate his way out of it with some help.

Baby 2 (now six months). Was an even calmer baby. Always smiling, rarely cries, happy to go with the flow. Sleeps well with one wake up-not as well as dc1 but still better than average.

Complete bollox that number 2 is the worst.

Unless the world is psychic, no they will have no idea what your second baby is like. In my personal experience? Yes. But I’ve never claimed that’s the case for everyone. It does make sense that it’s harder though - you have memories of a time your 100% focus could be on your baby. Now that’s not going to be possible this time around, you need to multitask. Your easy going first will likely get jealous and fight for the full time attention they used to get also.
I guess my point is that even if you have an easy going second baby, it will seem harder than first time because you are needed more.

I wouldn’t change anything and even the hard times pass. I love watching my two interact through the ages, it was worth it. Congrats and good luck!

My second was far worse. He's reduced me to tears many times. Still a lovely boy in many ways, but strong willed, didn't sleep, had colic, tantrums are spectacular, didnt settle in any nursery unless it was one of those that throws the doors to the back garden open all day. He has been hard work. He has had hearing issues and he is always on the go and has very delayed speech too. I think he possibly has an intellectual disability too, but getting any kind of help confirming this is difficult. It's like it doesn't exist.

My first wasn't easy either and didn't sleep and has been fussy with food, but as long as his confidence grows he will be fine.

I'm terrified of my youngest starting school due to being so behind developmentally and he really isn't ready. I hope things change in the next year. The good things about him is you don't need to draw up a business proposal to get him to eat fruit and veg.

we had a similar age gap and my second baby was easier than my first in every way.

I think people just feel the need to say something- anything- even if it’s nonsense. I’ve never heard anyone say second babies are harder and it’s not my experience. I think it’s more common that the second baby is easier because they have to fit in with an established routine.

DH and I call this Competitive Misery.

Parents of one child can't help but tell you how you'll ruin your life when your first is born.

Parents of two can't help but tell you how the second is so much worse.

Ignore.

My 2nd was far more laid back, still is in many ways. She had colic and silent reflux though, so until we got that sorted sleep was non-existant. They're differennt people, so were different babies. I think the only trend you can mostly rely on is that second babies startle less when toys go flying, or bigger kids run past. Just because they get used to being bumped/hugged/climbed over while in utero.

I must add to this though that my 2nd was my OHs 4th baby. So that says it all really. He does agree that he was the most difficult by a long way too though.

first ds was a dream baby, slept and was so easy. He turned into a very difficult teenager and it has been tricky. Second ds was a nightmare at sleeping, did not sleep through until he was 5, however he had been a lovely, easy teenager. So you just never know!!

FWIW, I found the addition of DD2 a far easier transition than going from no DC to 1.

My second was far easier than my first, they are individuals you just don't know what they are going to be like

We were told this too. However? It’s not the kids, it’s the circumstance. You’re bringing another dependent person into the family. Depending on age gap, you could be incredibly knackered and not have the same amount of time you did with the first.

my second pushes it as he watches his brother. Thinks he can do the same, despite the four year age gap!

I agree "brave" will be because of the small age gap.

My second child was like your current one, but my first child was a nightmare.

I also know a substantial number of people with hard work first children who never go on and have a second, so I guess statistically it's more likely that the second child will be worse than the first :)

I hate the language of describing children as better/worse/dream/nightmare based on how inconvenient they are to us. </po-faced>

My gap is bigger, but my DC2 was much easier than my DC1 as a baby and toddler. Some of that was just temperament, some was me being more experienced and relaxed, some was that I just didn't have the headspace to overthink and so she just slotted in and we all benefited. I think that's a more typical story than not. But I have certainly known a few families with easy firstborns who were shocked by their more wakeful, grumpy or rambunctious second children!

My DC1 was a "high needs" baby and toddler but mellowed with age. DC2 was a cheerful and agreeable baby and toddler but is growing into her determination at 4 🤣 They're all different. I find having two generally easier than having one though, and I feel that our family is complete now and fits well together.