To ask if the second child is always worse?

[sevenoh]

Morning all,

I currently have an 19 month old toddler and honestly he's been a dream baby - he's slept through the night from 12 weeks old, barely cried whilst teething, happy to entertain himself, he's actually still in bed now from half 7 last night (will probably wake up between 7.30-8) etc I mean now he's coming up to two he can throw a cracking tantrum but he's been a pretty easy baby and I know I'm very lucky.

However, when he turns 22 months old we'll be having a baby girl and the amount of people who describe the situation as "brave" is really making me nervous like I understand all babies are different but people are saying things like oh the second is always worse, she'll never sleep, she'll do this, that and the other and basically I'm giving birth to a tiny satan (joking).

Although saying that with my first everyone said I'll never sleep again, I'll never get any free time etc you know all the horrifying things people say to new parents.

So I was just wondering is it really always the case that the second one is "worse" than the first one or is it just all babies are different no matter what order they are born in?

My second slept through the night from birth and breastfeed me for 5 mins every 3 hours.

Easy peasy

All babies are different. My first was a tricky baby, but an easy toddler - my second was a dream baby, but a bit of a pickle when she got to 2. You can’t predict what will happen.

I agree, every child is unique. Looking at people in my family, some second borns were more difficult but then others much easier. Depends so much on the tempermant of the child. I have a 'strong willed' first and honestly I'm put off having another incase the second is just as hard

Whatever the huge variety of what happens in real life, the one thing you can rely on is that people CHAT SHIT.

It’s having two under-2s that’s the brave bit, two in nappies and all that stuff.

My second was very difficult for the first 2 months then a laid back dream of a child.

The first year of having two is the hardest.

For me, completely the opposite. I swapped having one child and a full time job for having two children and being on maternity leave. DC2 was easy-going and slotted in (sleep deprivation notwithstanding), DC1 benefited hugely from having me around more. The easiness of caring for DC2 healed me from the residual self-doubt stemming from DC1's fractious babyhood. I think it was the happiest year of my life.

I found the years either side of that - going right back to DC1's baby years, and up until now when they're both primary school aged - significantly harder.

I imagine if I'd been able to stay off work for another year or more it might have become progressively easier though.

My second was a nightmare but I think more of a combination of being born prematurely and having a bowel condition, me being very stressed , moving back from the other side of the world when he was nine months old which caused total sleep disruption for months etc. He is 21 now and of all 4 of mine , he is a dream and also never caused us any problems through childhood and teens.

First great sleeper, second was the very devil himself, there was a large age gap though. Same has just happened to my friend, her age gap is 19 years though and a very surprise baby at 42. We met when our boys were in primary school.,

I have a 15 month old Son and a 5 week old Daughter.
My Son was exactly as you described, other than a few weeks where we struggled with colicky symptoms (which stopped as soon as we changed his milk) he was the ideal baby and now toddler, I honestly couldn't have asked for better.

I got pregnant again when he was 5 months and I had all the same comments from people about how the second child is a nightmare, it's going to be impossible with two so close, I'll struggle when I'm alone (my Partner works away). Honestly, she's been an absolute dream baby! If possible, she's actually better than my Son was and he was brilliant too. Since night 1 she's only gotten up once a night for a bottle, occasionally slept through a few nights too. She's very chilled out during the day, still sleeping loads. She's really just slotted right in! Obviously she's only 5 weeks old so things may change as she gets older but right now, I'm enjoying it!

My second is a dream. I waited until the first was 5 to have her though as I knew I couldn't do a toddler and a baby like so many do.

People are often arseholes - if a parent had an 'easy' first baby, they delight in saying 'oh wait till you gave number #2, they'll be a nightmare'.

My 2nd was the easiest baby ever. My 3rd was my hardest & my 1st wanted attention all the time.

In truth, nobody knows! Each baby is different & will be challenging / easy in their own way - might be at baby / toddler / teen / adult stage but they all have their moments!

Pity my sister who has 4 (lovely) DC - with each pregnancy she has been told 'this one will be your easy baby!' - each of them is a bloody nightmare re sleep / feeding / general neediness. My DSis is a hero. (They are all gorgeous kids, but my God, they are brutal babies)

In my experience the second as a baby was a walk in the park! But not because I was more relaxed or such (I became a single mum just after she was born) just because it was her baby self.

I had 15 months between the first two.

You learn about parenting and get used to how to handle child 1. You learn what works and what doesn’t and because it’s the first one, that’s fixed in your mind as ‘the way to handle a baby’. Child 2 doesn’t behave or react the same as child 1, so when you use your experience of child 1 to deal with stuff, it doesn’t work. That may make it seem worse. You just need to remember that child 2 is a whole new person. You have to learn what works for child 2 the same way you did when you had child 1. Some things will be easier, some harder.

After the first few months, parenting child 2 is often easier because you are a more confident parent the second time around, so it’s all a bit less stressful. For example, if child 1 was even a bit off colour, I’d rush him to the GP. With child 2, it was more a case of ‘if he hasn’t got a temperature or rash, he’ll probably get over it’. With child 1, I was checking every milestone to make sure he was at least ‘average’, but with child 2, it was more like ‘if he’s not crawling yet, that’s a plus because I don’t have eyes in the back of my head’.

Of course not but if your first was a dream baby, regression to the mean suggests your second won't be as good

DD2 is 3 months old and like a revelation compared to DD1. DD1 howled like a banshee the second she was put down for the first 6 months of her life. Having a baby I can put in a bouncer and chat away to while I cook dinner/have a quick tidy up/go for a wee/get dressed is magical in comparison.

My both were amazing sleepers, both easy as babies, DS quite energetic, DD (2nd) a dream to have. Calm, collected, just great. So no, second child is not always worse.

@ClingyClingy what is your secret??
from someone who is 39+6 weeks pregnant 😂

My second was a better sleeper I think, if I can’t remember, she must have been ok! Neither were perfect, they were different from the womb, but having two close together is great fun, and I would be back there again in a heartbeat!

My second was easier as a baby/toddler.

But oh my god, now they're older..... the tables have definitely switched! My eldest is a dream compared to my youngest. 😂

My 1st was/is a nightmare, they are now 6! Due 2nd at the end of the year, so if they are worse then I am screwed!

All babies are different. Sounds like you possibly had an easier one to start, so you may find the second one more challenging. I think it may also be the age gap people are responding to. 2 under 2 is tricky. I had 5 years between mine and even that had it's challenges, but I think was all around probably easier due to older one having more independence and the affordability of childcare.

I had a friend in my NCT group. Of the 5 of us, she was the only one with an 'easy' baby. The rest of us were completely on our knees and overwhelmed. And she just breezed on through, baby took a bottle of breast milk from her dh at 7pm, slept through, so she was well rested, and baby was super chill. She was very smug about it, telling everyone who would listen how she had her routine and she knew what she was doing and if everyone else would just do the same, we'd all have easy babies. She was the first of us to have a 2nd. Ran into her on a day out and she was completely frazzled and exhausted and overwhelmed. Turned out her 'routine' didn't work with the second one and she was struggling like we all did the first time around.

That said, my 2nd was much easier than my first. You also know what you're doing in a different sort of way.

The issue here appears to be with the people you know, why would having a second child be "brave" and why do they think that there's some kind of universal rule that applies to birth order?

Personally I'd be ignoring these people, they seem a little odd

At the risk of stating the obvious there's no way to predict what a baby will be like, me telling you that my 2nd child for example was no bother isn't going to have any affect on your 2nd child.

My first was like yours. Absolute dream. Life didn't change, she just fell in to place. Had a second with a 14 month age gap and it was the worst thing I've ever done. I'm out of the other side now but I was bordering suicidal it was so hard. Honestly it was horrendous. I can see how in the long run it will be amazing the close gap but fuck me those first 12 month were without any shadow of a doubt the worst 12 months of my life.

Our second baby was infinitely "easier" than our first i.e. self settled, slept through etc. If anything, I would said it was generally true that second babies are easier, though this is totally unscientific. If it is true, I imagine it is to do with parents being more confident second time round and not jumping at every sound or movement as they just don't have time. But of course two children is harder work than one, regardless of how easy they are.

Our age-gap was (unintentionally) 16-17 months. It was pretty full on but there are advantages too, especially as they get old. 22 month gap is not exceptionally small or "brave"!

My youngest is so much more chilled and easy going. Seriously, they just get on with things. They have their moments but for the most part it’s a breeze.

With my eldest, well, everything is just so “difficult”.