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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if the second child is always worse?

87 replies

sevenoh · 17/08/2022 07:24

Morning all,

I currently have an 19 month old toddler and honestly he's been a dream baby - he's slept through the night from 12 weeks old, barely cried whilst teething, happy to entertain himself, he's actually still in bed now from half 7 last night (will probably wake up between 7.30-8) etc I mean now he's coming up to two he can throw a cracking tantrum but he's been a pretty easy baby and I know I'm very lucky.

However, when he turns 22 months old we'll be having a baby girl and the amount of people who describe the situation as "brave" is really making me nervous like I understand all babies are different but people are saying things like oh the second is always worse, she'll never sleep, she'll do this, that and the other and basically I'm giving birth to a tiny satan (joking).

Although saying that with my first everyone said I'll never sleep again, I'll never get any free time etc you know all the horrifying things people say to new parents.

So I was just wondering is it really always the case that the second one is "worse" than the first one or is it just all babies are different no matter what order they are born in?

OP posts:

Milkand2sugarsplease · 17/08/2022 07:50

First was a very "high needs" baby. Cried constantly for 18m, woke angry from every sleep he had, literally nothing pleased him.

Second time round - people said "you never get 2 the same"

They were right, he's even harder!
I love him dearly but at 14m he's definitely still a glass half empty kinda kid!!

You get what you get and you get through - some days great, others you just get through and look forward to bed!! Good luck.

MrsToothyBitch · 17/08/2022 07:54

I think it depends on who you get tbh and it doesn't mean they'll stay that way. DP is the eldest and was apparently quite challenging in many ways until about 3.5 Then he completed all the surgery he needed on his eye and his poor, painful ears and became a much happier, better behaved child. His sister was DC2 and had no such drama; evidently slotted in nicely and was sunny natured as a baby and toddler. She now causes more chaos and problems than anyone. Similarly my dad is the older brother but my uncle was apparently comparably much more easy going from a very early age. I don't think my dad was a "difficult" baby but my uncle was just easier- and a more relaxed, personality in general too. As charming as my dad is, he has a more serious streak than my uncle did. Both turned out fine!

On the flipside, my ex's mum admitted that if she'd had her DS2 first, she might not have had more! She only has the 2. Her DS1 -my ex- had lulled her into a false sense of security by being a very mellow, easy baby. He has stayed that chilled to this day but both her boys are lovely!

Original poster

sevenoh · 17/08/2022 07:59

Thank you for your replies for far everyone! Feeling a bit better haha

I agree that the comment about being brave is the age gap although I'm not too worried about it just because DS is quite independent and can feed and entertain himself. I'm also hoping because he's too young to understand I might avoid the sibling jealousy and he'll just accept the change and they'll be close and as they get older it'll be a bit easier as hopefully they'll like similar things in the sense of if we went to playgroup they'd both enjoy that etc

I've said to DH that I don't want to put labels on a tiny baby already (self fulfilling prophesy and all that) and that we'll just get what we're given and will have to deal with it in the best way we can.

I think with her being due in three months it's starting to feel very real and I panicked a little bit!

OP posts:

Eixample · 17/08/2022 07:59

People just love to tarnish your joy any way they can. We have half your age gap but the second is easier simply because you know what you are doing and you avoid some of the sleep mistakes. The second has to be a little more free range because of your divided attention and that often helps too. My first was a fairly easy baby and my second was really a dream baby. Less compliant when older, though, that seems to be a second child thing.

Yumyumgin · 17/08/2022 08:04

I speak for all 2nd born children, we are absolute delights 😁

alrightfella · 17/08/2022 08:10

I'm sure second babies are usually better as you are more confident as parents. I was so much more relaxed about everything second time round and I didn't have all those fears in the early days about doing stuff wrong.

Second time round I found it easier to understand what ds needed, I also got into a routine better purely because life had to carry on as normal for 3yr old dd.

First time round I spent an awful lot of time in my pjs on the sofa. Second time round dd had to be at preschool, or tumble tots or we'd be meeting friends in the park so ds just came along too. Once DJ went back to work after two weeks, I just picked up dd's routine again just with a baby added in. He had reflux though which could be a bit stressful feeding when out! But you just get on with it and i always had a bag of spare clothes for all of us!

MsChatterbox · 17/08/2022 08:11

My second was easier but my first was mental

Matilda1981 · 17/08/2022 08:13

My first was horrific, second and absolute dream, third was easy too and the fourth was an arsehole!
BUT 1 and 4 were dream toddlers and 2 and 3 were pretty hardcore 🤣. Mine are all girls so can’t compare girls vs boys!

Ragged · 17/08/2022 08:17

2nd was my very best sleeper.
I found adusting to 1st the hardest, but none of mine were terrible sleepers themselves. Just me who doesn't sleep.

mrsbitaly · 17/08/2022 08:17

It genuinely depends on each baby not which order. But in my case my second daughter was more confident strong willed and harder to manage than my first. I hate saying that as she's still only 2.5 years old and it's just a difficult age for them but she most certainly keeps us on our feet and can pull off the most amazing tantrums 🤣 Please don't let it put you off or make you worried they are all individual and I absolutely adore my firecracker

Amichelle84 · 17/08/2022 08:20

I really thought I would never be graced with 2 dream babies and that the 2nd would surely be a devil child but actually he's just as lovely.

WhenDovesFly · 17/08/2022 08:20

Every child is different and has their own good and not-so-good points.

My first baby slept for England. I'd put her down for a nap and had to check she was still alive 3 hours later and rouse her. However, she was awful to feed. Wouldn't breastfeed and when I switched to bottles I was lucky to get 1-2oz at most down her at a time. Still picky eater now in her early 20s. She was painfully shy and introverted as a child up until she reached her late teens.

Second DD was a different story. Put her down for a nap and 2 minutes later - ping! Wide awake and ready to go! She went straight from crawling to climbing and I had to have eyes in the back of my head. DD2 was the opposite to DD1 with regard to feeding - I struggled to get her to stop breastfeeding, and she'll try anything food wise. Very loving, caring and outgoing.

I suppose I did find DD2 a little bit of a shock after DD1, as I'd had it so easy sleep wise, but I wouldn't classify either one as being better or worse than the other.

Katesboy8 · 17/08/2022 08:22

My first and only who is nearly 4 still doesn’t sleep hence not having more. You may be lucky and have another good sleeper or not! If mine had slept like yours I’d have had another but not a risk I was willing to take!!

Ringmaster27 · 17/08/2022 08:23

My 2nd is definitely more boisterous, loud and loopy than my 1st - a way harder physical challenge. I’m exhausted after a day running about after him.
But my 1st is a billion times more difficult to deal with in general - major attitude problem, and treats everyone else in the house with utter disdain for merely existing. A way more taxing mental/emotional challenge.
My 3rd is completely different to both of them. Honestly don’t really know she’s there most of the time. She very rarely get involved in the other two’s fuckery - it’s like the effort involved is just too much 😂

illiterato · 17/08/2022 08:29

DC1 slept well but was unbelievably whiny until he was 2. Hated everything. Cried about everything. Hard work.

DC2 was a terrible sleeper but a very smiley and agreeable baby- could just strap her into the carrier and wander around with her.

if I’d had dc2 first I’d have said she was easier but the lack of sleep broke me when I had a toddler and work to deal with. So all things considered, DC2’s first year was the hardest.

They’re both vaguely tolerable now 🤣.

SatinHeart · 17/08/2022 08:31

My first was really chilled and my second is an absolute non-sleeping whirlwind. But as you can see upthread plenty of people have it here other way round!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 17/08/2022 08:34

As a second child myself I can reassure you that second children are charming, easy going, intelligent and super likeable human beings 😇

ouch12345 · 17/08/2022 08:35

DD1 is amazing but she's a live wire, never sleeps, tantrums daily, the terrible twos and threes were hellish. DD2 also amazing (although also a rubbish sleeper) is much easier, chilled out hardly ever kicks off. It's just a complete luck of the draw.

Timeturnerplease · 17/08/2022 08:47

DD1 (now 3.9) was hard work. Rubbish napper, screamed before every sleep and still can’t entertain herself for more than five minutes. She’s bright and sparky, but a threenager in the truest sense of the word.

DD2 (just turned 1) is an angel baby. Smiles all the time, goes with the flow, plays nicely and happily has one long nap a day. She
is a TERRIBLE night sleeper though, but being adorable makes up for it.

I genuinely think it’s pot luck. The first year of having two is the hardest. Once the second is on the move it’s much easier.

Selfesteem22 · 17/08/2022 08:49

If you have a particularly easy baby first time round and you have what I might say a 'normal'baby 2nd time, it might come as a bit of a shock- but you can't know- people say silly things. But lots of things will be easier - you will be more confident as a parent and I certainly enjoyed a toddler and a new baby more than just a baby.

purplesky18 · 17/08/2022 08:49

My first baby was the devil reincarnated for the first 2 years. My 2nd baby was an absolute dream and so easy, I never struggled to parent him once. I think it’s luck of the draw unfortunately.

Isonthecase · 17/08/2022 08:54

I suspect they're just trying to make sure you don't go into it thinking your second will be as easy as your first and then struggle more than you need to. Brave is usually code for 'I think you're mad' which again probably refers to the age gap and is much more likely to be a reference to their own experience than any reflection on yours 🤣

Stickmansmum · 17/08/2022 08:56

Every child is totally unique.

snowbellsxox · 17/08/2022 08:56

Mine is a dream
It's all to do with child's nature xx

justanothermanicmonday21 · 17/08/2022 09:07

I have four - they all slept well as babies my third actually was the most difficult to settle. It honestly just depends on the babies temperament and I honestly think if your relaxed baby is relaxed.

I had my first three with 2 years between them and can honestly say it's the best age gap in regards to them being close, all getting on and easy to do activities together. I had a 5 year gap with my last and now days out for all are a bit more difficult so close together I found was definitely better!

Not to say you won't have you hard moments but I never found it overwhelming even with 3 4 and under.

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