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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague with horrendous PND already pregnant again...why?

150 replies

BlueOysterCult · 16/08/2022 20:31

Found out today that my colleague who had HORRENDOUS post natal depression (baby is currently 11 months old) has intentionally got pregnant again. Her PND was so bad that she had to have specialist treatment from various mental health services and relied very very heavily on her parents for support in day to day tasks. Her husband works away for weeks at a time and she's made it really clear she struggles with loneliness and the stress of having to look after her son. I just can't fathom why she'd want to do it all again so soon when she is finding it so tough already.

It is none of my business and I'll be nothing but supportive to her but I just keep thinking what the actual F?! I can't wrap my head around her thought process. Surely give it a year or so until things are calmer and see how you feel about going for number two?

OP posts:
Mariposista · 17/08/2022 07:57

SilverGlitterBaubles · 17/08/2022 07:41

I also don't quite get the idea that because someone wants more children they must absolutely have them. Surely there are other factors to consider, the effects and risk to your health, impact your current child/ children and your relationship.

Absolutely this! ‘I want’ doesn’t mean ‘It’s a good idea’. But sadly we live in an entitled world.

entropynow · 17/08/2022 08:02

loosebutton · 16/08/2022 20:34

This is so nasty.

Rubbish. What about the first child, likely to experience having a severely depressed mother not once but twice? First time could not have been foreseen, however...
Having children is not a sacred right y'know.

BiscuitLover3678 · 17/08/2022 08:06

People on mumsnet are PATHETIC.

The OP is wondering something on a chat forum because she obviously won’t say anything in real life because she’s probably a decent person. Of course you would think the same as her if you heard this!!

People on mumsnet really want to feel superior.

BiscuitLover3678 · 17/08/2022 08:07

And this woman was seriously ill! You don’t get put in psychiatric hospital for nothing.

BiscuitLover3678 · 17/08/2022 08:08

onelittlefrog · 17/08/2022 06:24

I can totally see this looks like I'm being judgemental but it's more that I'm concerned

Then why didn't you title your thread 'How can I support a colleague I'm worried may get PND a second time' rather than questioning her life choices?

That was pretty nasty. It's her choice and none of your business.

A good start with supporting her is to be less judgmental.

Oh for goodness sake 🙄

Eunorition · 17/08/2022 08:10

Crunchymum · 16/08/2022 20:35

You know a lot about your colleague?

I

Colleague is clearly a massive oversharer.

Flubadubba · 17/08/2022 08:13

Respectfully, it is nothing to do with you. She will know about the issues she had, as will her midwife, and support will be put in place for her pregnancy and post-partum period (perhaps a mental health specialist or caseloading midwife, perinatal mental health services etc) PND and PNA can happen to anyone with any pregnancy, and is zero reflection on her parenting skills or her as a person.

As someone who suffered from sever PND and PNA, I would really hate to feel that others were judging me this way. You say that you will be supportive, but the judginess here is strong- which is far from supportive.

Ffsjustltb · 17/08/2022 08:21

Yanbu. First time, lots of support, sympathy etc. Second time, deliberate, with that level of needs, I would just leave them to it.

5128gap · 17/08/2022 08:23

IrenesMuffins · 17/08/2022 07:43

To all those saying 'none of your business', since this woman is a work colleague, the OP will likely have to cover her work when she has to take time off for her pregnancy or mental health (not a criticism, just stating facts), so I'd say it very much IS her business. It also sounds like this woman has told the OP all about her problems, so has effectively made it 'her business'.
That aside, OP I know several women who have gone on to have more children despite their circumstances, after having the first, not being great. In most of these cases, the subsequent pregnancy has been an 'accident', so not exactly 'planned'.
I've never understood it either but I just try to be supportive and not judge.

Still not her business. The law and company policies permit this time off, and its up to the company to then manage staffing to ensure that it doesn't cause undue pressure on colleagues. If the OP is struggling due to the leave, she needs to raise it with her own manager, not place responsibility on any individual person to not be ill.

DottyLittleRainbow · 17/08/2022 08:32

It’s insane that you’re actually this woman’s line manager and posting all of this information about her pregnancies and mental health. Haven’t you heard of the equality act? Yes it’s unfortunate that you'll have to cover another maternity leave but that’s her prerogative and her family planing is none of your business.

YesThisIsMe · 17/08/2022 08:40

I don't think the OP sounds judgemental - just honestly baffled that someone would make a life choice that to them seems completely irrational and fraught with chances of disaster.

My colleagues probably felt like that when I went on holiday to Aberystwyth.

SparrowsNest · 17/08/2022 08:41

StoneColdMedusa · 16/08/2022 20:32

You’re right, it’s none of your business

This!!

SparrowsNest · 17/08/2022 08:45

Just read that you are her line manager - you and totally out of order posting so much personal information about her!

Ragwort · 17/08/2022 08:49

If we can't discuss and debate different points of view on Mumsnet then what is exactly the point of Mumsnet? Confused. Are we just meant to say 'alright hun, love and hugs, do whatever you like, it all works out in the end, have as many babies as you want'. Robust discussion and forthright points of view is what I like about Mumsnet. Of course no one is going to be rude to this women's face ..but sometimes it is good to reflect on different situations.

other sites are available

SweetSakura · 17/08/2022 09:04

My colleagues probably felt like that when I went on holiday to Aberystwyth.

😆

Ffsjustltb · 17/08/2022 09:10

We are all judgemental. Especially Even the sanctimonious posters on here who claim to be so understanding. All I know is, if I had needed to rely on outside help and parents so totally, was unable to even wash and dress, unable to work for most of the pregnancy, leave the house and suicidal to boot; then there's no way I would put people through that again, deliberately, less than a year later. Especially my young one and newborn. I wouldn't be that selfish. No wonder the OP is baffled. And it is her business, as it sounds like the woman relied on her massively, as well.

WeSent500Ravens · 17/08/2022 09:18

All of the comments saying 'none of your business' always make me laugh when anyone hearing a colleague say this would absolutely think 'wtf are you doing'

It's always trotted out on here that it's "none of your business" when it involves women getting pregnant in stupid circumstances. Then when the child is born into stupid circumstances and suffers because of it, it changes to "child welfare is everyone's' business". Weird.

Youdoyoutoday · 17/08/2022 09:22

LaLoba · 16/08/2022 23:24

The posts saying maybe she wants more children and wasn’t going to let illness get in the way - wtf? I doubt this will be a popular opinion around here, but maybe people should think about the impact on the children of their mental illness which they know they’ll have in advance. I’ve got physical scars my mentally ill mother gave me as a baby, and the mental scars are far worse. Sometimes the selfless decision is not to make babies.
I do judge. Too many people putting their wishes to have children above the welfare of the children they will have.

Agreed!!

I think it's crazy to have another child when she's suffering from loneliness when we all know how isolating those early months can be, her husband is working away so much and she heavily reliant on her mother whose own circumstances/health may find it difficult to have another grandchild. Then add on the actual PND, yeah it's selfish.

WhatNoRaisins · 17/08/2022 09:24

Responsible people do tend to consider the impact of additional children on the children they already have. That's not to say accidents never happen or circumstances never change though.

And yes it sounds like the OP has been made a part of this shitshow whether she wanted to be or not.

alotoftutus · 17/08/2022 09:56

J0y · 16/08/2022 21:09

I would find myself worrying about her. I hope her h changes his work role so he's not away for weeks on end. Who goes away for weeks on end for work?!

Absolutely loads of people!

My husband is in the military and goes away for months at a time.

It's really not that unusual

BlueWhaleBay · 17/08/2022 10:14

WhatNoRaisins · 17/08/2022 09:24

Responsible people do tend to consider the impact of additional children on the children they already have. That's not to say accidents never happen or circumstances never change though.

And yes it sounds like the OP has been made a part of this shitshow whether she wanted to be or not.

Why do you suggest the woman has not considered her health 🤔 I mean, you don’t even know her 😂

WhatNoRaisins · 17/08/2022 10:23

I said considered the impact on existing children and I said responsible people in general 🤔

morechocolateneededtoday · 17/08/2022 10:30

It really is none of your business. You know very little about her circumstances other than that she suffered severe PND after the birth of her baby. Voicing judgement like this is exactly why mental health is stigmatised. As a PP said, would you judge those with other conditions during pregnancy such as hyperemesis/gestational diabetes etc? These will all limit the ability to care for the eldest while suffering. GD has the potential to cause harm to unborn if not controlled adequately (which is easier said than done in some cases)...

With PND of that severity, she will have had full support of a perinatal mental health team and most likely still be supported by them. PND is harder first time as mothers often don't realise they have it until it is very severe and then it takes time to get all the right support and/or medication to improve. Second time, they are informed. The team will keep her on their caseload already and be helping her from pregnancy. She knows what medication and input worked for her, there will be psychological support, nursery nurses to help with parenting and a multitude of other professionals to help. It can be easier to do it sooner because of this - she will maintain continuity of care for both pregnancies

Finally, you have no idea how easy or had it was for her to conceive first time. She may well have chosen to do sooner because of previous difficulties, it may not have been planned, there could be any number of reasons. In one of my previous jobs, I remember people would gossip and bitch so much if someone got pregnant soon after moving roles/starting a new one. They were the ones who were lucky enough to pretty much conceive the second they tried and were able to plan their children exactly when they wanted. Their ignorance that everyone was not in the same boat really shocked me (even more so because they themselves were clinicians)

rainbowmilk · 17/08/2022 10:42

YABVU to post this on here as her line manager.

YANBU to be baffled by it. MN is a bizarre site where posters feverishly maintain that children are more important than everyone else, except a woman who wants to have as many babies as she likes. Then she takes priority, including over her children. I have a controlled MN condition that'd rule me out for adoption, but someone can breed as much as they want even with severe, uncontrolled mental illness and we all just have to #bekind and not judge. It's mad.

rightonthyme · 17/08/2022 10:45

"I can't wrap my head around her thought process." Good thing you don't have to, then. Mind your own.