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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague with horrendous PND already pregnant again...why?

150 replies

BlueOysterCult · 16/08/2022 20:31

Found out today that my colleague who had HORRENDOUS post natal depression (baby is currently 11 months old) has intentionally got pregnant again. Her PND was so bad that she had to have specialist treatment from various mental health services and relied very very heavily on her parents for support in day to day tasks. Her husband works away for weeks at a time and she's made it really clear she struggles with loneliness and the stress of having to look after her son. I just can't fathom why she'd want to do it all again so soon when she is finding it so tough already.

It is none of my business and I'll be nothing but supportive to her but I just keep thinking what the actual F?! I can't wrap my head around her thought process. Surely give it a year or so until things are calmer and see how you feel about going for number two?

OP posts:
popapoppadum · 16/08/2022 21:26

SweetSakura · 16/08/2022 21:25

Also I had awful hyperemesis with my first pregnancy. Do you judge me for having a second? Or is it only mental illness that you apply this too?

Because I know plenty of people with gestational diabetes/SPD/ complex births etc who go on to have more children too.

This 👏🏻

Dinodigger · 16/08/2022 21:27

Keep your nose out ffs

Outlyingtrout · 16/08/2022 21:32

As everyone else has said, it's absolutely nothing to do with you and you don't need to form an opinion on it. You're her colleague. You don't know the ins and outs of her life, her medical situation, her treatment etc.

I will say, I definitely made all my best life decisions when I had raging PND 👍🙄

Try some empathy. And less sticky beaking.

maddy68 · 16/08/2022 21:33

Non of your business

LostForWordsagain · 16/08/2022 21:33

Wtf has it got to do with you ? Unless you’re planning to offer some support to her ?

SunnyD44 · 16/08/2022 21:40

Because I know plenty of people with gestational diabetes/SPD/ complex births etc who go on to have more children too.

I would hope that they heal from these before going on to have another one though, knowing it will make the illness much worse and will affect your ability to take care of your children.

Zezet · 16/08/2022 21:44

MaChienEstUnDick · 16/08/2022 20:36

My DF who had similarly awful PND wanted more than one child and wanted them close together and didn't see why a temporary, hormone induced mental illness would stop her.

This

YourLipsMyLipsApocalypse · 16/08/2022 21:50

I suppose it's similar to women with HG having multiple babies; it's a temporary sacrifice to their health, which they choose to make to build the family they want.

surreygirl1987 · 16/08/2022 21:51

Not your business at all.

I had bad PND with my first. Got pregnant again when he was a year old. Not a smidge of PND with my second and am SO glad I had two close together in age!

surreygirl1987 · 16/08/2022 21:52

My DF who had similarly awful PND wanted more than one child and wanted them close together and didn't see why a temporary, hormone induced mental illness would stop her.

Exactly.

NCHammer2022 · 16/08/2022 21:52

You’re right, it is none of your business. That said, this seems massively unfair on her existing child.

NCHammer2022 · 16/08/2022 21:53

SweetSakura · 16/08/2022 21:25

Also I had awful hyperemesis with my first pregnancy. Do you judge me for having a second? Or is it only mental illness that you apply this too?

Because I know plenty of people with gestational diabetes/SPD/ complex births etc who go on to have more children too.

How is gestational diabetes anything like severe PND?

queenatom · 16/08/2022 21:58

NCHammer2022 · 16/08/2022 21:53

How is gestational diabetes anything like severe PND?

Show quote history

They’re both illnesses triggered by pregnancy and the associated hormonal changes associated with pregnancy?

queenatom · 16/08/2022 22:01

I had pretty bad PND with my first and I’m seriously considering not having a second for this exact reason, but I would never judge someone for choosing to go again. Whilst hideous, PND doesn’t last forever and if you know you’re at risk of it you can try and introduce as many support measures as possible going into it. Choosing not to have the family you wanted because of it is a major decision and I can see why people might go ahead despite the risks.

NCHammer2022 · 16/08/2022 22:03

queenatom · 16/08/2022 21:58

They’re both illnesses triggered by pregnancy and the associated hormonal changes associated with pregnancy?

Show quote history

GD has no impact at all on a mother’s ability to care for a baby. In the vast majority of cases it disappears virtually immediately after the birth. There’s no comparison.

supersonicginandtonic · 16/08/2022 22:10

I had severe PND with my first. My second was born 17 months after her.
I got pregnant whilst on the contraceptive pill. I enjoyed being close to my partner.
My mental state was too fragile to deal with an abortion.
My advice is to mind your own business.

MargaretThursday · 16/08/2022 22:10

I know someone who had horrendous PND and got pregnant again very quickly. In her world at the time her logic went "I didn't feel like this while I was pregnant, therefore if I get pregnant again I will feel better."
She admits it wasn't really logical thinking, and she hadn't really thought through having 2 dc who were 11 months apart. But she didn't get PND the second time, even though naturally you might think it would be worse with two babies to look after.

So firstly, it may not have been a rational thought. And secondly she may not get PND this time.

NotAnEmmit · 16/08/2022 22:12

I had terrible pnd and pna after DC1 and at the time I thought I’d never want another baby. But as soon as I started to feel better I started feeling that actually I would like a second. And I didn’t have any pnd at all with dc2.

maybe she just feels ready now?

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 16/08/2022 22:14

PollyRockets · 16/08/2022 20:34

YANBU to wonder what the fuck she is thinking

I'd guess it's a trauma response, and she is still struggling and wants to try and have a 'better' experience this time around

Have seen it before with friends and family. Doesn't often end well

I agree with this

She will unfortunately get a shock when she realises how much harder the day to day is with 2 under 2.

Having said that I had PND with my first but not my second

Original poster
BlueOysterCult · 16/08/2022 22:14

I absolutely agree that it's none of my business and I will be nothing but kind and supportive to her (I'm her line manager so will be very involved if last time is anything to go by as she was in regular contact about how things were going. I had to go without her for the last 6 months of her pregnancy because she was too anxious to work but she still wanted the social interaction of work so we chatted lots). I'm just a bit perplexed really. Last time around she was literally suicidal for months on end and got to the point she didn't cook or clean (all these were done for her by parents or friends) and didn't leave the house at all in the weeks her husband was away at work. I worry a bit about how she'll cope with two and the impact it'll have on her son.

I can totally see this looks like I'm being judgemental but it's more that I'm concerned. She was really, deeply unwell for over a year. We're all different, I suppose. I'll just do what I can to support her (whilst being slightly baffled by the choice she's made).

OP posts:
veggiemonster · 16/08/2022 22:23

All of the comments saying 'none of your business' always make me laugh when anyone hearing a colleague say this would absolutely think 'wtf are you doing'.

It's very odd to me, I agree with you OP.

Maybe she's hoping to get both baby stages 'out of the way' in quick succession, who knows.

MorrisZapp · 16/08/2022 22:24

I don't get this at all, but motherhood is a mystery to me. After my own awful pnd I'd honestly rather die than have another baby (sorry if that sounds harsh but it's how I feel).

I'd never dream of voicing my thoughts of course but I can't help my own brain from thinking them. Motherhood isn't rational. My best friend is on two kinds of medication for anxiety and depression relating to her hectic life with two kids. Her doctor has warned her about her alcohol consumption, and she is pre diabetic (had gd with both pregnancies). She's also resentful of her husband because he put his foot down about having a third child.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 16/08/2022 22:29

Let's hope she doesn't use MN because this could be very difficult for her if she does.

PollyRockets · 16/08/2022 22:30

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 16/08/2022 22:29

Let's hope she doesn't use MN because this could be very difficult for her if she does.

How would she know it's about her?

Nothing identifying in the OPs post

Tigofigo · 16/08/2022 22:31

Wish I'd done this tbh. My eldest really struggled with the age gap and it made having no2 much harder dealing with a tantrumming 3yo and newborn. He was pretty chill age 1.