Colleague with horrendous PND already pregnant again...why?

[BlueOysterCult]

Found out today that my colleague who had HORRENDOUS post natal depression (baby is currently 11 months old) has intentionally got pregnant again. Her PND was so bad that she had to have specialist treatment from various mental health services and relied very very heavily on her parents for support in day to day tasks. Her husband works away for weeks at a time and she's made it really clear she struggles with loneliness and the stress of having to look after her son. I just can't fathom why she'd want to do it all again so soon when she is finding it so tough already.

It is none of my business and I'll be nothing but supportive to her but I just keep thinking what the actual F?! I can't wrap my head around her thought process. Surely give it a year or so until things are calmer and see how you feel about going for number two?

My DM was in and out of hospital for years with PND after having me. Many years later, she finally had a second DC and was completely fine. Not even a hint of it.

All you are doing is speculating because you wont ever know the reason.

So on that basis YABU.

You don't know if it's fully intentional or not she may had a momentary lapse of judgment. She may say it was planned but who knows! or may be feeling guilt and pressure to not leave her child as an only. I don't think it's a bad thing to be an only child but I recognise that some people make comments about; when you gonna give them a sister or brother?
She probably already feels a lot of guilt about many things.
I don't think mental ill health is taken as seriously (depression, anxiety and PND more specifically) to be a reason for not having any, or more, children when it is absolutely serious. I would have compassion for her and wish her and her family all the best. People are not one thing (PND) there are many sides and facets to her life not everything is known to you so yes in the end, butt out.

No, it’s called minding your own business and not being judgmental.

Having been in the boat your colleague is in, its much better to have the kids closer together and get the miserable baby stage out of the way in one hit. I also coped better second time around because I knew what shit show I was signing up for and put things in place to help. My kids also have little to no memory of me being bonkers and almost having a nervous breakdown which has got to be a bonus.

How do you know she's not better now? You talk about things settling but an 11 month old is probably easier to look after than a toddler or a jealous 4 year old especially one who gets no attention from mum because she's suddenly depressed. There's never really a perfect time to have a second child, every age gap has its pros and cons.

@BlueWhaleBay

This entire website would cease to exist if everyone on here stopped being judgemental and started minding their own business

Maybe she didn't actually choose to have another pregnancy, maybe she mental health struggles stem from the fact that she doesn't have agency over her fertility and her husband made the choice for her.

You can have PND with your first, and not at all with your second. You never know so if she's fine now, it's a 50:50 risk like for any other woman.

And there are 101 reasons to get pregnant... so just keep your options to yourself.

She might have just decided to have a second one quickly and then focus on recovery. I know a couple of people who waited 3-4 years between kids due to hyperemesis or PND and it didn’t really seem to make a lot of difference. It just meant the first child was older/more aware and in some ways more demanding.

Some people take comfort in feeling like they are in control of their lives, others are ok with the knowledge that some things can’t be controlled.

I can totally see this looks like I'm being judgemental but it's more that I'm concerned

Then why didn't you title your thread 'How can I support a colleague I'm worried may get PND a second time' rather than questioning her life choices?

That was pretty nasty. It's her choice and none of your business.

A good start with supporting her is to be less judgmental.

I don't think that's true. Forums do exist online where people are almost always supportive and helpful. It's a shame that our biggest UK site 'for parents by parents' isn't one of them.

Of course it's no one else's business but I agree with the OP and I would (privately) wonder 'why?'. Just like I (privately) don't understand why women have DC they can't afford, or with a useless DP, or if they experienced a horrendous birth injury, or when their other DC have been taken into care etc etc.

For me, having a DC (and I stopped, by choice, at one) was a huge, life changing decision... it took me 12 years after getting married to decide to have a baby - no medical issues. I never felt a 'biological need' to reproduce.

And I feel really uncomfortable about the expression 'getting it over with' when referring to having two DC close together as if it is some sort of chore or obligation.

YANBU. Maybe she’s still unwell.

putting her need to have another baby over her existing one, knowing how her illness impacted other family members.

Theres nothing for you to wrap your head around. Your too emotionally invested and judgemental. Wouldn’t want you as a line mamager. None of your business.

Perhaps she has discussed it with her medical advisers and family, carried out her own risk analysis, has mitigation in place, and weighed up the costs and benefits, before coming to an informed decision?
It would be sad to think that a temporary health problem led to a blanket embargo on a woman having a second child. Let's hope she is receiving the support she is entitled to keep well.

Maybe she wants a couple of children and thought she’d get the second over and done with sooner rather than later?

Maybe she feels a “failure” for being so I’ll and wants to prove something to herself?

Darker possibilities might be around being coerced … which might be a cause of the he PND.

If uoh know her well enough you might open up a supportive conversation. But I agree it is puzzling.

I had very bad pnd with my first,
didn’t happen with my second

A DF did something similar, her mindset was that she wanted to 'do it all again but do it right' she felt she was a failure for what had happened after she had DC1. Sadly it was also horrendous for her second and after lots of support she has come through it but her marriage ended with the strain of it all.

I also don't quite get the idea that because someone wants more children they must absolutely have them. Surely there are other factors to consider, the effects and risk to your health, impact your current child/ children and your relationship.

To all those saying 'none of your business', since this woman is a work colleague, the OP will likely have to cover her work when she has to take time off for her pregnancy or mental health (not a criticism, just stating facts), so I'd say it very much IS her business. It also sounds like this woman has told the OP all about her problems, so has effectively made it 'her business'.
That aside, OP I know several women who have gone on to have more children despite their circumstances, after having the first, not being great. In most of these cases, the subsequent pregnancy has been an 'accident', so not exactly 'planned'.
I've never understood it either but I just try to be supportive and not judge.

She wants two children and probably wants to get all the shit over with in a one-er, rather than get her life back to how it was and then risk throwing a hand grenade into it. She may not suffer so badly or at all this time, and she’ll likely have the MH support already lined up.

The tone of this thread is ignorant and judgmental.

You think the OP gets a say over whether this woman has another child because she might have to cover some of her work?

Imagine your line manager coming on to mumsnet to judge the most vulnerable time of your life.

Agree and find myself out of patience with people who self-inflict such situations.