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AIBU?

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Original poster

Colleague with horrendous PND already pregnant again...why?

150 replies

BlueOysterCult · 16/08/2022 20:31

Found out today that my colleague who had HORRENDOUS post natal depression (baby is currently 11 months old) has intentionally got pregnant again. Her PND was so bad that she had to have specialist treatment from various mental health services and relied very very heavily on her parents for support in day to day tasks. Her husband works away for weeks at a time and she's made it really clear she struggles with loneliness and the stress of having to look after her son. I just can't fathom why she'd want to do it all again so soon when she is finding it so tough already.

It is none of my business and I'll be nothing but supportive to her but I just keep thinking what the actual F?! I can't wrap my head around her thought process. Surely give it a year or so until things are calmer and see how you feel about going for number two?

OP posts:
PhatPaws · 16/08/2022 22:36

Maybe it was an accident but can't bring herself to admit it.

Maybe she somewhat got over the PND and blocked it out and can't remember how bad it was.

Maybe she had a very fixed idea of how her life pans out, married at a certain age, first and second child at a certy age and if she moves away from that she sees it as a failure.

Maybe she feels it was so bad and that she defonwants a second so just wants to get it out of the way.

atrainerandadeckchair · 16/08/2022 22:45

With my first I had puerperal psychosis. I ended up in a mother and baby unit. It was a very, very dark time and I remember very little of my baby's first few months. I then went on to have another baby. Although PP has a 50% reoccurrence rate, I didn't get it again.

If you've experienced mental ill health with one baby, everyone is on high alert for the second and subsequent babies. There was a lot of support available to us as a family when I was pregnant with my second. Prevention being better than cure and all of that. You have no idea of the amount of support your colleague is receiving, if things have changed the second time around, or what her mental health status is at the moment.

Why don't you butt out instead? It's none of your business, neither can you control how many children she has and when she has them.

BlueWhaleBay · 16/08/2022 23:00

Ok so you “won’t be judgmental”, you’ll just indulge in a shit load of negative judgment 🤔

You sound very unpleasant. Absolutely none of your business. As for the “had to do without her”, just have a word with yourself. You’re not God, you’re a lowly line manager. If she transgresses work policy, deal with it professionally. You have no right to stand in judgment of the severity of her illness or whether it may recur. Employment law is designed exactly to protect normal people from jumped up busy bodies like you.

PollyRockets · 16/08/2022 23:01

BlueWhaleBay · 16/08/2022 23:00

Ok so you “won’t be judgmental”, you’ll just indulge in a shit load of negative judgment 🤔

You sound very unpleasant. Absolutely none of your business. As for the “had to do without her”, just have a word with yourself. You’re not God, you’re a lowly line manager. If she transgresses work policy, deal with it professionally. You have no right to stand in judgment of the severity of her illness or whether it may recur. Employment law is designed exactly to protect normal people from jumped up busy bodies like you.

Wowzers

Projection much?

frozenorangejuice · 16/08/2022 23:03

SO not your business. Can’t imagine why you’ve posted this really. Perhaps your energy is better spent providing your colleague with a listening ear and just I don’t know, being kind to them and not totally judgemental.

Mythreefavouritethings · 16/08/2022 23:04

BlueWhaleBay · 16/08/2022 23:00

Ok so you “won’t be judgmental”, you’ll just indulge in a shit load of negative judgment 🤔

You sound very unpleasant. Absolutely none of your business. As for the “had to do without her”, just have a word with yourself. You’re not God, you’re a lowly line manager. If she transgresses work policy, deal with it professionally. You have no right to stand in judgment of the severity of her illness or whether it may recur. Employment law is designed exactly to protect normal people from jumped up busy bodies like you.

Well that escalated rapidly

drpet49 · 16/08/2022 23:07

”I agree it's fucking mad how some women seem keen to have more and more babies when the circumstances of their first or subsequent children are often totally dreadful.”

^This. I agree with you OP

Luredbyapomegranate · 16/08/2022 23:07

Getting it done and dusted I’d assume

Or she’s been told not to leave it for medical reasons

PurplePansy05 · 16/08/2022 23:11

Your post doesn't indicate you are "concerned" about her, it indicates you're a judgmental person who really shouldn't have this approach to an individual reporting to you. It's unprofessional and unsupportive and she will know this, even if you're trying to hide it. If you were genuinely concerned, you would have asked how best to support her this time round to make things easier for her.

I think it's really poor form to comment the way you did, OP. Her circumstances may have changed, maybe her and her DH made plans to change their lifestyles upon the arrival of their second baby, maybe she will have more support in place, maybe she is on medication or has planned to be on it after giving birth. There are so many variables here. Her second baby will be different to her first and PND may not necessarily strike her again or be as severe. No one knows. But why would you judge a woman for having another child as her boss? This has nothing to do with you. A manager with this attitude will not help with her potential PND, that's for sure.

Fleur405 · 16/08/2022 23:16

SunnyD44 · 16/08/2022 21:40

Because I know plenty of people with gestational diabetes/SPD/ complex births etc who go on to have more children too.

I would hope that they heal from these before going on to have another one though, knowing it will make the illness much worse and will affect your ability to take care of your children.

I had gestational diabetes. I “healed from it” the day after my son was born. You don’t have gestational diabetes when you’re not pregnant…

BabyDreamers · 16/08/2022 23:20

Yanbu. Just making things intentionally harder for herself. Unless she is magically better now in which case, what great news.

PurplePansy05 · 16/08/2022 23:21

NCHammer2022 · 16/08/2022 21:53

How is gestational diabetes anything like severe PND?

Show quote history

It is most definitely comparable, as someone who randomly suffered from GD in pregnancy and it made my life and work really difficult towards the end, I now have a 50/50 chance of developing type 2 diabetes and a pretty much guranteed chance of GD in future pregnancies. This takes a toll on my health and requires extra time off work for specialist appointments. Both illnesses are specifically pregnancy-induced and related to hormonal imbalance. If someone judged me for deciding to have more children knowing the risks, I'd tell them to go to hell. It is my health and my decision. Having children usually comes with sacrifice to a woman's health. For some of us this doesn't outweigh the willingness to have more than one child.

SaltySeaWitch · 16/08/2022 23:22

I had terrible hyperemesis and antenatal/postnatal depression. I had my two close-ish (two year gap) because tbh I just wanted to get pregnancy and sleepless nights over and done with. In for a penny, in for a pound. I couldn’t see the point in prolonging a stage in my life that I knew I would find difficult.

LaLoba · 16/08/2022 23:24

The posts saying maybe she wants more children and wasn’t going to let illness get in the way - wtf? I doubt this will be a popular opinion around here, but maybe people should think about the impact on the children of their mental illness which they know they’ll have in advance. I’ve got physical scars my mentally ill mother gave me as a baby, and the mental scars are far worse. Sometimes the selfless decision is not to make babies.
I do judge. Too many people putting their wishes to have children above the welfare of the children they will have.

averageavocado · 16/08/2022 23:26

loosebutton · 16/08/2022 20:34

This is so nasty.

Why??

Are we not allowed to ponder why someone would go through so much for a second child??

ladydimitrescu · 16/08/2022 23:32

Unbelievably nasty of you to start a thread on this. Shame on you.

Foldinthecheese · 16/08/2022 23:45

I don’t know. I get where you’re coming from. I worked with someone who had severe PND after her first pregnancy, and although she didn’t get pregnant again straight away, we were kind of astonished when she announced her second. Both times she came back to work relatively quickly after having the baby, and then was signed off sick so she received full pay. Eventually she did a phased return. Everyone was very supportive, but it created a fair amount of extra work for the rest of us. In the end, the PND led to an alcohol problem, and the whole situation kind of exploded. Of course you’ll be supportive, but it would be disingenuous to suggest that her choices won’t affect you in some way.

PurplePansy05 · 16/08/2022 23:57

which they know they’ll have in advance

You can't know you will have PND or another post-natal MH issue in advance, there is a higher chance if you meet certain criteria, but it's not guaranteed.

And why should we not ponder about why some women sacrifice their health, on a temporary or longer term basis? Well, because apart from coercive/abusive scenarios, we are perfectly capable of making our own decisions and managing our brains and vaginas in ways we consider suitable. There is nothing else to discuss on this subject. The woman in question will likely seek medical help and support considering her history and she'll recover over time if PND returns.

35965a · 17/08/2022 00:01

Trauma.
Want a better experience next time
Desperate for more children so want the horrific part out of the way as quickly as possible
Feeling hopeful
Not thinking clearly
Feeling better now

Could be any of those I suppose.

35965a · 17/08/2022 00:02

Also if you have PND once it doesn’t mean you’ll have it again.

justloveandlightx · 17/08/2022 00:02

Mind your own. Posts and judgements like this are the reason mums don't speak out about their mental health or speak their mind at all really, just be supportive and live your own life. All of the eye rolls right now

Mariposista · 17/08/2022 01:37

LaLoba · 16/08/2022 23:24

The posts saying maybe she wants more children and wasn’t going to let illness get in the way - wtf? I doubt this will be a popular opinion around here, but maybe people should think about the impact on the children of their mental illness which they know they’ll have in advance. I’ve got physical scars my mentally ill mother gave me as a baby, and the mental scars are far worse. Sometimes the selfless decision is not to make babies.
I do judge. Too many people putting their wishes to have children above the welfare of the children they will have.

This! Sadly this. Wanting another child is not necessarily a good enough reason to go ahead and have one.

LaBellina · 17/08/2022 01:42

This thread is why so many women are still afraid to open up about their PND. Stigma and judgment will be the result. You’re indirectly saying that your colleague is unfit to be a mother. One of the most inappropriate threads I’ve seen here for a while.

MarmadukeSpillageEsquire · 17/08/2022 01:48

I'm sorry for the awful experiences of some PP but mental illness in someone does not automatically result in them being abusive to others. It's dangerous and unhelpful to claim it does. I was treated by specialist mental health teams when I had PND and I certainly wasn't abusive to my DC. They are unharmed, happy and thriving.

If anyone with PND is reading this thread, please know that it doesn't mean you're a bad parent. Please speak out and seek out support; there is non-judgemental help out there.

Mamapep · 17/08/2022 02:40

Yeah mind your own fucking business OP.