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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be at the end of my tether with him?

80 replies

Auldgregg · 16/08/2022 19:10

I have a 22 YO DS
He had severe anxiety and OCD. He never managed to complete his GCSEs and has never worked due to anxiety and a couple of overdose attempts whenever I encouraged him to live his life and find a job.
Its got to the stage now with increasing bills where I can no longer afford to support him.
I get £1650 pcm and bills are:
£800 mortgage
£150 council tax
£180 gas and electric (due to increase)
£45 water
£40 life insurance and critical illness cover
£9 mobile phone
£14 tv licence
£12 netflix
£45 broadband
£150 fuel to work and car insurance
£30 buildings and contents insurance
Leaving under £45 a week for food and anything extra like clothing or toiletries.

Jobs closer to home are paid much less so changing my job isn’t viable.

I’ve explained I can’t continue like this when the energy prices rocket and he said I chose to have kids and that he’s ill and I should take care of him!

I said he’d have to get a job or move out (he refused to sign on) and he threatened to kill himself again. We argued, I said he’s not manipulating me any more and he shrugged and said well, I can’t cope with work so…and walked off.

I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Auldgregg · 16/08/2022 19:10

Has not had anxiety and ocd

OP posts:
RandomMess · 16/08/2022 19:11

Kick him out and get a paying lodger in.

Original poster
Auldgregg · 16/08/2022 19:18

RandomMess · 16/08/2022 19:11

Kick him out and get a paying lodger in.

Said he’d have to move out and he said he’d kill himself and it would be my fault. I want to throttle him! He doesn’t act his age as he spends most of his life in his room and doesn’t socialise.
He used to run away from school and ended up in a mental health hospital for 18 months but none of it helped him.

OP posts:
QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 16/08/2022 19:25

OP this is such a tough situation, he needs to sign on and see what benefits he can get. It's just not acceptable or sustainable for you to fully support him forever, he needs to take responsibility for himself - if he can't work due to illness, that is fine but then he must see what benefits he can get.

Is he on medication and seeing a therapist?

Mumspair1 · 16/08/2022 19:29

It seems like he does have severe MH issues. Has he looked into what he can claim for this as he can't work?

Rogue1001MNer · 16/08/2022 19:30

How many bedrooms in your house?

What does he do all day?

Are you single?

Rogue1001MNer · 16/08/2022 19:30

Sorry, 1 more question.
Any siblings?

RandomMess · 16/08/2022 19:30

Take him the local housing office and present him as homeless. Says he's suicidal take him to A&E he is emotionally abusing you.

You can't spend the rest of your life dancing to his tune when you won't be able to afford to eat.

Greengreengrassbluebluebluesky · 16/08/2022 19:32

Doesn’t he qualify for PIP?

Greengreengrassbluebluebluesky · 16/08/2022 19:33

What does he do for money for himself at the moment?

Original poster
Auldgregg · 16/08/2022 19:34

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 16/08/2022 19:25

OP this is such a tough situation, he needs to sign on and see what benefits he can get. It's just not acceptable or sustainable for you to fully support him forever, he needs to take responsibility for himself - if he can't work due to illness, that is fine but then he must see what benefits he can get.

Is he on medication and seeing a therapist?

He’s on anti depressants and was supposed to see a counsellor but wouldn’t turn up and I’d be at work so couldn’t take him.
They took him off the list in the end as he missed 3 in a row. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone or seemingly help himself.
He refuses to go to job centre as is anxious and when I went to push him out the door to go, wet himself and cried.

OP posts:
Winter2020 · 16/08/2022 19:36

Perhaps you could ask social services for an assessment as a carer. You are looking after an adult with care and support needs.

Try to get him "in the system" and supported by professionals as well as yourself.

Try to get a social worker to help your son to claim benefits and disability related benefits to help support your household.

Although your son can't cope with work he might be able to do some work/activity in a supported or voluntary role to help him build his skills and confidence.

You might need to demand tgat assessment but as a carer you are entitled to it.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 16/08/2022 19:37

If he was a psychiatric inpatient for over a year, what follow up is he having? Does he have a social worker?

Original poster
Auldgregg · 16/08/2022 19:37

Rogue1001MNer · 16/08/2022 19:30

How many bedrooms in your house?

What does he do all day?

Are you single?

2 bed, his older brother is at Uni living out.
Am single parent, hasn’t seen his Dad since he was 5.
He watches TV or goes online all day, wastes his life. Not interested in anything else. Gets panicky if he has to walk out front door.

OP posts:
LpPp · 16/08/2022 19:38

This is really sad. No way should you chuck him out or force him into work that’s going to tip
him over the edge. Could he claim DLA/PIP? Could you then get carers allowance?
Those benefits open doors to other benefits/ services.

I understand that it’s frustrating.
He needs help not to be abandoned.

Original poster
Auldgregg · 16/08/2022 19:38

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 16/08/2022 19:37

If he was a psychiatric inpatient for over a year, what follow up is he having? Does he have a social worker?

As soon as he was signed off child healthcare, he was assigned a counsellor for adult mental health but didn’t go so they took him off list.

OP posts:
Biscuitandacuppa · 16/08/2022 19:39

I think he would qualify for pip under mental health grounds. Can you contact mental health services and explain about his severe anxiety in going out and see if they offer any community services that could visit him at home?

Original poster
Auldgregg · 16/08/2022 19:39

Winter2020 · 16/08/2022 19:36

Perhaps you could ask social services for an assessment as a carer. You are looking after an adult with care and support needs.

Try to get him "in the system" and supported by professionals as well as yourself.

Try to get a social worker to help your son to claim benefits and disability related benefits to help support your household.

Although your son can't cope with work he might be able to do some work/activity in a supported or voluntary role to help him build his skills and confidence.

You might need to demand tgat assessment but as a carer you are entitled to it.

Can’t afford to live on a carers allowance as that would be considerably less than my salary!

OP posts:
Original poster
Auldgregg · 16/08/2022 19:40

RandomMess · 16/08/2022 19:30

Take him the local housing office and present him as homeless. Says he's suicidal take him to A&E he is emotionally abusing you.

You can't spend the rest of your life dancing to his tune when you won't be able to afford to eat.

He’s been to A&E 3 times this year and they let him come home each time. Council said as he’s a single man, he could try and get a bed in a refuge 35 miles away but they are so rammed that it would be doubtful and he’d have to camp on the streets.

OP posts:
Original poster
Auldgregg · 16/08/2022 19:43

LpPp · 16/08/2022 19:38

This is really sad. No way should you chuck him out or force him into work that’s going to tip
him over the edge. Could he claim DLA/PIP? Could you then get carers allowance?
Those benefits open doors to other benefits/ services.

I understand that it’s frustrating.
He needs help not to be abandoned.

Point blank refuses to sign on as doesn’t want job centre ‘nagging him to get a job as well (as me)’
I told him that I can’t afford for us both to survive and he told me to get an evening job as well as it’s my job as his mum to look after him!

OP posts:
Biscuitandacuppa · 16/08/2022 19:46

You can claim carers allowance and work as long as you are still providing 35hrs a week support. But you can only earn £135 a week which is a pittance.

If he was claiming PIP the weekly rates are-
higher rate daily living £92.40
standard daily living £61.85
higher rate mobility £64.50
standard mobility £24.45

The assessment covers needing supervision, prompting and things like emotional/psychological distress.

Biscuitandacuppa · 16/08/2022 19:48

He could have a work capability assessment on ESA and maybe assessed to be in the support group and then he wouldn’t be pushed to get a job. He is being very selfish and doesn’t sound like he takes any personal responsibility for his own life. I get that he is unwell but he cannot expect you to carry him for his entire life. What would he do if anything happened to you or when you retire?

DPotter · 16/08/2022 19:48

You can be assessed as a carer even if working full time, so it's not an either / or situation. Whether you would get the allowance is not clear to me, but I only have experience of claiming for frail elderly parents. It's certainly worth an ask.

If you contact Social services - you could ask if there are any local support groups, - for your son and for you.

Would he listen to his elder brother - at least about signing on, if not about actively seeking help ?

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL · 16/08/2022 19:51

I've no advice @Auldgregg but it sounds shite. Sorry Flowers

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 16/08/2022 19:55

You need outside involvement desperately.

Start with your GP and the Central Advice and Duty Team at your local authority.

He will be entitled to some UC and PIP. You need to get the ball rolling with Citizens Advice.

He won't be forced to look for work if he is genuinely incapable (and this can be signed off) but you do make him sound a bit manipulative