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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be at the end of my tether with him?

80 replies

Auldgregg · 16/08/2022 19:10

I have a 22 YO DS
He had severe anxiety and OCD. He never managed to complete his GCSEs and has never worked due to anxiety and a couple of overdose attempts whenever I encouraged him to live his life and find a job.
Its got to the stage now with increasing bills where I can no longer afford to support him.
I get £1650 pcm and bills are:
£800 mortgage
£150 council tax
£180 gas and electric (due to increase)
£45 water
£40 life insurance and critical illness cover
£9 mobile phone
£14 tv licence
£12 netflix
£45 broadband
£150 fuel to work and car insurance
£30 buildings and contents insurance
Leaving under £45 a week for food and anything extra like clothing or toiletries.

Jobs closer to home are paid much less so changing my job isn’t viable.

I’ve explained I can’t continue like this when the energy prices rocket and he said I chose to have kids and that he’s ill and I should take care of him!

I said he’d have to get a job or move out (he refused to sign on) and he threatened to kill himself again. We argued, I said he’s not manipulating me any more and he shrugged and said well, I can’t cope with work so…and walked off.

I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
fatgirlslimmer · 16/08/2022 21:05

Why does he not claim PIP and UC sickness he doesn’t have to sign on?

He is a long way from being able to find and sustain employment.

MH services are very poor and non compliance is common with severe MH.

Having said that I do understand how draining it is living with someone with severe mental health illness. Can you find someone to help him claim benefits, he could be entitled to well over 1k a month.

SunnyD44 · 16/08/2022 21:15

I completely agree with fatgirlslimmer this isn’t someone who is just lazy.
You cannot kick him out.

Does he have an official diagnosis?

He needs to be getting PIP or something.

I’d look into getting a lodger if you have a spare room.

cocktailclub · 16/08/2022 21:21

I think there's a difference between mental illness and selfish behaviour though. Mental illness can mean people come across as selfish as they are so wrapped up in their own needs and concerns they find it hard to think of others. However, actually telling you to get a second job seems more like a total disregard for you and using you to maintain an easy life where no one makes demands on you.

I would be supportive and helpful but firm. "Fair enough you don't feel well enough to work right now but the bills need to be paid so you'll need to sign on"
Being mentally unwell doesn't mean you turn down benefits because you don't want the hassle of answering phone calls.
Let's not confuse mental illness with being lazy or self centred

Timeforredwine · 16/08/2022 21:21

You need to do a telephone Universal credit in his own right, you are definitely allowed to speak fir him, then apply for PIP and then put in as his carer. They cannot force him out of the front door, he will qualify, in the short term this is your solution & then mental health nhs counselling. You do all the talking on his behalf, he does not need to speak if he is not up to discussions. Get a free expert to help you complete pip form. Good luck.

Timeforredwine · 16/08/2022 21:23

Mental health manifests in many ways, autism can be very straight and narrow minded. Just how it is, maybe some portray as selfish.

Original poster
Auldgregg · 16/08/2022 21:23

2Hot2Handle · 16/08/2022 19:59

What an awful situation for you. It sounds like you’re terrified of your DS hurting himself and at the same time, hating that his lack of action is manipulating you to support him and go without to fund his lifestyle. Are you paying for his phone/hobbies/clothes etc? I’m wondering if there’s a way to make him feel the need to get a job. With your outgoings, you have very little left over and could use the rising cost of living (especially utilities) as a reason to cut off some of his resources. Position it as out of your control, so that he’d have to take some action to continue to fund the things he wants.

He doesn’t ask for money for anything as he does nothing all day every day. He’s not bothered about rising costs as he sees it that that’s my problem not his.
The only thing he has is food from the big shop and access to things already in place like broadband. He has a mobile but it’s paid for and he has free texts and uses wifi at home so dosent use data.
He doesn’t get on with his older bro as he’s ridiculously jealous of him being ‘normal’ yet doesn’t try and help himself which is difficult to cope with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Auldgregg · 16/08/2022 21:24

Timeforredwine · 16/08/2022 21:21

You need to do a telephone Universal credit in his own right, you are definitely allowed to speak fir him, then apply for PIP and then put in as his carer. They cannot force him out of the front door, he will qualify, in the short term this is your solution & then mental health nhs counselling. You do all the talking on his behalf, he does not need to speak if he is not up to discussions. Get a free expert to help you complete pip form. Good luck.

Already rang in his behalf but as he’s over 21, he has to contact himself and he refuses as says he can’t cope with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Auldgregg · 16/08/2022 21:28

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 16/08/2022 19:55

You need outside involvement desperately.

Start with your GP and the Central Advice and Duty Team at your local authority.

He will be entitled to some UC and PIP. You need to get the ball rolling with Citizens Advice.

He won't be forced to look for work if he is genuinely incapable (and this can be signed off) but you do make him sound a bit manipulative

He won’t go to see a GP, GP won’t come to house and can’t carry a 22 yo to the car and force him. It’s so hard

OP posts:
Timeforredwine · 16/08/2022 21:31

You need a referral from gp if UC wont listen, its ridiculous, you are entitled to be his representative. Alternatively become his POA that way you have more credibility to deal with all his affairs. He is seriously entitled to about 1k pm?

SparklingLime · 16/08/2022 21:31

Auldgregg · 16/08/2022 21:28

He won’t go to see a GP, GP won’t come to house and can’t carry a 22 yo to the car and force him. It’s so hard

Show quote history

As a PP said, request a carer’s assessment for yourself to try to get things moving. The rest of toooldtocarewhoknows post must be helpful to you, surely?

Original poster
Auldgregg · 16/08/2022 21:35

Winter2020 · 16/08/2022 20:12

Quote "Can’t afford to live on a carers allowance as that would be considerably less than my salary!"

Sorry I didn't mean you to claim carer's allowance and just because you don't claim it that doesn't mean you are not a carer. You are a carer and should be entutled to an assessment by social services to see what help you need. It's actually more about what help your son needs but a way for you to start to access without his input is through your role as a carer a right to be assessed for support (practical not financial).

E.g. you say "as a carer I am at the end of my tether. I cannot cope providing for my son financially or with him never leaving the house. He has mental health needs and as we are in crisis he is at risk or becoming homeless."

Then (I hope) an assessment takes place that finds you need help to get your son on benefits including disability benefits and help to find him meaningful engagement.

Then (again very hopeful) the social worker helps/supports his benefits claim. Encourages and helps him to link up with agencies that can support him to engage in volunteering/work/education. Also encourage engagement with mental health services/GP/meds.

It is your son that should be able to access benefits but he can then help contribute to the house. E.g. if he was claiming universal credit and disability as well as weekly income he would be entitled to cost of living payments.

You also need help to get him out of the house in a supported way.

You have a lot on your plate and you need to seek and demand help.

I have demanded help but because he won’t leave the house, been told by GP, citizens advice and universal credit that they can’t help me as he has to apply/go to appointments.
Rang social services but again as he’s a grown man, they won’t help me.

Been struggling to get help for 8 years and nothings ever improved as he won’t help himself.
He’s been in hospital, had counselling, had a social worker for his teen years and nothing helped whatsoever.
Feel like moving out myself and disappearing sometimes.

OP posts:
EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 16/08/2022 21:37

@Auldgregg
I meant for you to go to the GP yourself and ask for support/inreach.

Original poster
Auldgregg · 16/08/2022 21:37

SunnyD44 · 16/08/2022 21:15

I completely agree with fatgirlslimmer this isn’t someone who is just lazy.
You cannot kick him out.

Does he have an official diagnosis?

He needs to be getting PIP or something.

I’d look into getting a lodger if you have a spare room.

No spare room, he wouldn’t cope with a stranger in house anyway.
He just refuses to apply for UC and hid his national in’s card so I can’t do it online for him.

OP posts:
TheUsualChaos · 16/08/2022 21:41

He's living his life online by the sounds of it so treat him like a teenager and cut his access to the internet massively except for essential purposes (like job hunting, looking into job seekers allowance etc, which he can only do downstairs not in his room. If he goes to his room, internet goes off).
It will soon wear thin.

You absolutely cannot go on like this on such a tight budget. He is being completely unreasonable.

Original poster
Auldgregg · 16/08/2022 21:43

toooldtocarewhoknows · 16/08/2022 20:35

@Auldgregg

I couldn't link the PP (@Winter2020) post
to this but your comment about not being able to survive on carers allowance was in response to the post suggesting you ask for a carers assessment.

They are different things.

You are legally entitled to a carers assessment. You are his carer. You also work.

This assessment will identify your needs and it will flag his needs for a full social care assessment.

I think you can self refer, but the referral might be better coming from your GP.

The other thing you can do is register as a carer with your GP surgery. This will help you get the right information. It also helps them help you.

You can work and care for someone without claiming carers allowance.

The other thing your son is still entitled to is education. This doesn't have to be formal qualifications. It can be a quiet supported environment to help him gain social skills very gently. The gaining of social skills and skills towards independent living is classed as education. You can apply for this under an EHCP which is an Educational Health Care Plan. This can be applied for and run until 25.

It sounds very much as though the GP needs to review his mental health with a view to referring To the CMHT community mental health team (adult). He is very much in need of an assessment.

Can you get a form from his GP for him to give you permission to talk to them on his behalf? He'd have to sign it.

This is the first step to getting him help. He's not in a position to help himself. Especially if he's soiling himself with anxiety when he tries to leave the house.

He will definitely qualify to receive PIP. You can advocate for him as he's mentally unable. He, again, has to appoint you as his representative, it's another form from PIP.

All these benefits are a battle sadly.
You are entitled to 25% off your council tax bill once he gets PIP and you declare the caring you do to the council. You are also entitled to it once he's back in education.

Make a list and speak to your GP (after getting him to sign the consent form for you to speak to the GP).

Sorry, this is a lot of info. It's such a sad situation. He's really slipped through every net and you both are at real risk of the situation deteriorating significantly.

Many thanks, I will call the doctors tomorrow and enquire.

OP posts:
howshouldibehave · 16/08/2022 21:45

The only thing he has is food from the big shop and access to things already in place like broadband. He has a mobile but it’s paid for and he has free texts and uses wifi at home so dosent use data.

Who pays for it though? You presumably?

If he literally won’t do anything to help himself or you, can you force the issue and change the router password and cancel his phone contract?

SparklingLime · 16/08/2022 21:46

When someone has lived in an intolerable situation for a long time, like you have, and tried repeatedly to get help, you can understandably shut down a bit and dismiss any new suggestions/information because nothing you have tried has ever worked.

You’ve had some good advice on this thread. It won’t all be appropriate for you (or even correct!) but please do read it through again tomorrow and make a list of those things that you haven’t already done.

Superfrog3 · 16/08/2022 21:47

This sounds like such a sh*t situation and my heart goes out to you and your son. It sounds like he is being nasty towards you and manipulating you and thats not ok.

To me it sounds like he's being this way out of fear. He is scared of the outside world and life with you not being there looking after him. He has no idea how he would start to look after himself because that seems like an impossible task right now.

I would try and register as his carer and get social care involved. If he threatens to end his life take him to the hospital/ ring 999. The hospital might not do much but he will be on the radar and you can access services from there. Yes DWP can be pushy but you have to be so honest with them and actually don't push your son past his comfort zone to leave the house for appointments ect. They need to see what he's like day in day out and to see that leaving the house for him is such a massive thing it can cause him to wet himself. They might send loads of appointments telling him he has to come in but each time let them know he can't due to his anxiety ( it's almost a test because if you can make it to their appointment you can go to work).

If you had help financially would you be OK him still living with you or do you feel like even then you still want him somewhere else? That's something you need to decide OP.

It sounds like such a stressful time at the minute with bills rising and everything don't forget to look after yourself through all of this, do something just for you. Take some time to relax and have a think if you have anybody around who could help, even if it's just somebody to offload to who won't judge 💖

whynotwhatknot · 16/08/2022 21:53

what do you mean his mobile is paid for-you mean youre paying for it so stop it

MrsMoastyToasty · 16/08/2022 22:02

If you can get a diagnosis you could become an appointee on his PIP application.

missymarrk · 16/08/2022 22:16

Awhhh I'm so sorry. My brother is the same and still sponges off my mum, he's 40 now. He's ruined her entire retired life. Selfish wee mummies boy. Needs a rocket up his arse!

vaingina · 16/08/2022 23:21

I think you son has very significant MH issues.What diagnosis does he have formally? From what you have said - ‘get an evening job’ he sounds autistic.What support did he get in school?

Don’t change passwords or throw him out-he is tortured enough by his own
issues. You are his only advocate but you need to do something different now.
The only thing you can do is spend time trying to get the right help. It doesn’t matter what he had before, that’s all finished now, use the posts above to draw up a plan and work resolutely through it. Keep names and dates and numbers of people and organisations you speak to. If they say they will do something, ask them when. Phone them every two days to see how it is progressing. Don’t give up. If he is not capable of working, and it doesn’t sound like he is, then you/he will get an allowance. This can contribute to his living expenses.

I would go to Dr, get signed off for two weeks and devote my time to finally sort this out. Do nothing else- just focus on getting help for him psychologically and financially.Can your older son help navigate a way through the system?

I am shocked at some of the previous responses. I know your life is very difficult, but so is his.He is not doing this deliberately.
Good luck

vaingina · 16/08/2022 23:23

If he has a diagnosis Gob agencies are required to make allowance for his ‘disabilities’

Timeforredwine · 17/08/2022 10:39

Their is a mental health crisis line 111 and i think its option 2 this is for immediate danger or life emergency. You can ring it yourself if needs be if a situation occurs & they will help too.

Timeforredwine · 17/08/2022 10:43

Agree with posters - he is certainly NOT doing this on purpose. He is locked in his own mind. He needs your help. You must persevere and access all options - keep going until they listen and definitely get listed as carer with your gp fir starters. You probably cant get carers allowance until he gets pip. Ring the line get them to send forms complete on his behalf. He just needs to sign. Good luck.

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